It was early in the morning when Snowpaw's lessons picked up. Two days had already passed since her punishment began. And during that time she found herself being subjected to the humiliation of "basic training." Kit stuff like what herbs were used for what ailments, and proper cat anatomy. It was knowledge Snowpaw had drilled into her head seasons ago by her original mentor, Softpetal. The older medicine cat had been a stickler for that sort of thing. "If you can't remember something so simple then you have no place being a healer", Snowpaw recalled Softpetal repeating on numerous occasions. Back then, the lynx point molly had made it her mission to memorize everything within just two moons' time. And with experience, the knowledge soon felt like obvious information. So having it all retaught to her now felt redundant; ridiculous even. Goldensong knew that Snowpaw understood it already. She was the one who taught it to her for Starclan's sake! But Snowpaw knew that Goldensong was only "doing her job". Still, after two day of this, Snowpaw's patience had been worn thin.
"-And blackberry leaf is used for bee stings," Goldensong babbled on, showing off a pile of the small, rough edged herbs. Then she moved her paw, gesturing to another herb to explain it's usage. Snowpaw growled in frustration.
"For Silverpelt's sake, Goldensong, would you stop this already?" She snapped, interrupting the young medicine cat.
Goldensong let out a tiny meep of surprise at the interruption. "What are you talking about? I'm teaching you the same way you taught me. You want me to stop..? Am I doing it wrong?"
Snowpaw huffed "No. But how about we stop acting like a couple of mouse-brains and skip to the more advanced lessons instead? Because this is infuriating! I feel as stupid as newborn listening to you praddle on about the use of herbs. As if it isn't something that's second nature to me at this point."
Goldensong held her gaze for a heartbeat. At first her expression was full of pain. And then, like the tides, her mood shifted. Her brows furrowed and her voice became tainted by seriousness. "Fine then, if that's what you want... Gather some borage from the stores. We're going to take them to Jaybird to help her milk come."
Snowpaw took an immediate pause upon receiving this instruction. They were going to visit the nursery today? Snowpaw hadn't been allowed in since she'd come home from the Moon Cavern. As she moved to search through the medicine stores, she began to question Goldensong's reasoning for this task. Was it to rub sand in her wounds; to remind Snowpaw that she was being punished? Or was this the golden molly's way of calming her agitated mentor-turned-apprentice? Snowpaw was unsure. But in her heart she hoped it was the latter. Goldensong wasn't a malicious cat, even when someone was rude to her. She always favored the good things, rather than lingering on the bad. Snowpaw believed that was the young molly's only shining quality as a medicine cat. Although she'd never admit it aloud.
Shortly after, as the healers made their way to the nursery, Snowpaw's thoughts began to run through her mind like frenzied rabbits. She wondered how much her kits had grown in such a short time. Were they more active? Had their fur grown in any? Were they attempting to open their eyes yet? These were all important things she hoped to not miss. She was already losing such vital time with her kittens. Missing out on milestones felt like a tragedy.
The medicine cat's arrival seemed more welcomed than Snowpaw had originally anticipated. Jaybird was the only queen awake, while Ashwhisker and Mallowlight continued to sleep alongside their litters. Lilacbreeze had probably gone on the dawn patrol, and Posytail and her kits were out for their usual morning walk. This made the nursery very peaceful. And it would make Snowpaw's job here much more simple. Goldensong gestured to Jaybird, prompting her warriorpaw apprentice to step up and feed the queen her herbs.
"Good morning, Goldensong. Hello, Snow." Jaybird greeted with a soft smile. Snowpaw said nothing as she passed on the borage, putting her focus onto the sleeping kittens nestled against her sister's belly.
"Good morning! How is everything today?" Goldensong chirped, leaning down to give the newborns a sniff. Snowpaw took a step back to give her "mentor" some space, eyeing her as she went about her business. I've already looked over the kits. They smell healthy. And they're certainly being well fed. They're a strong bunch, just like Wolfheart and I are.
"The kits are all doing well. Sadly I've still been unable to produce milk for them. I feel like I'm driving Ashwhisker batty by asking him to nurse them," Jaybird admitted as she licked up the borage, chewing them throughly with a sour look on her muzzle.
"Oh I'm sure it's no trouble," Goldensong assured. "It's the responsibility of every queen to ensure the kits are fed. Besides, it should only take a couple more days for your milk to come. We'll up the borage dosage to be taken twice a day, just to be sure."
Snowpaw blocked out whatever else the two she-cats were discussing once she noticed her kits start to rouse. They wiggled backwards then stuck their little noses into the air, sniffing determinedly. Once they recognized whatever scent they had caught hold of, the four of them began to wail. Snowpaw's heart lurched; her instincts flared back up, urging her to plunge forward and settle her little ones. She could feel her body trembling as she fought against herself. Deep down she knew that her kits were crying out for her. But logic told Snowpaw to keep her distance. She didn't want to cause trouble, even if it hurt to let her kittens cry.
Jaybird lowered her head to them, doing her best to quiet the fussy bunch with soft purrs and licks. After a short while, the four of them began to calm down, and Snowpaw sighed with relief. A jolt ran across her spine as she felt something brush against her flank. Snowpaw glanced over, meeting the concerned gaze of Goldensong.
"You're tearing up. Are you alright?" The golden molly signed, not wanting to draw Jaybird's attention with her question. Snowpaw blinked, lifting a paw up to her cheek to wipe away the tears she hadn't known were falling. She stared at her wet paw for a heartbeat before nodding numbly.
"We must be going now, Jaybird," Goldensong informed the queen, nudging Snowpaw ahead of herself toward the den's exit. "We'll be back with more herbs in the evening."
Jaybird lifted her head, tilting it a little. "Oh. Alright. Well, I'll see you later then. Thank you both so much!"
Goldensong nodded curtly to the queen, following Snowpaw back out into the clearing.
Snowpaw padded a tail-length ahead, her head lowered slightly, tail dragging along the earth behind her.
"You did well today," Goldensong spoke to her softly as she caught up, brushing her tail against the older she-cat's flank. This time, the lynx point molly felt comfort from the younger molly's touch. "You were very strong in there."
Snowpaw said nothing in response. She didn't know how to feel right now.
"Come along. I think we should go out into the meadow and gather some supplies next."
In the following days, Snowpaw was made to deliver more borage to Jaybird. Whether or not this was a punishment or an act of kindness on Goldensong's part was still unclear. Regardless, it granted Snowpaw a chance to visit her kits, and that was all that mattered to her in the end. She got to track their growth, and ensure their health.
In their fourth day of life, the little ones had begun to grow more active. They tested their tiny limbs, using them to push their stubby bodies around with all the strength each could muster. Standing was attempted on occasion, although none of them were stable enough to stay on their paws for long. Frequently, they'd call out to each other as they blindly explored their nest, as if keeping track of one another, or communicating. The bravest of the kits, the silver and white molly, was always wriggling off towards places she didn't belong. Under Jaybird's rump, or getting tangled in the wool, and sometimes even tripping up her siblings. It was an amusing sight. But Snowpaw wished it was any of her other kits who would behave this way. Out of all the litter, why was it Wolfheart's look-a-like who had to act so much like him as a young cat? As hard as Snowpaw tried to focus on each of her kittens equally, she always found her attention being brought back to her silver and white daughter. The sight of her was still enough to bring Snowpaw to tears. How was she to go about her days knowing a copy of her ex would always be sleeping a den away?
By the kits' fifth day of life, the four little bundles of fur had begun to fluff up. Their eyes, once sealed tight, now bunched and squinted, warning the lynx point molly that soon they would be able to see. And their tiny squeaks began to turn into slightly more coherent sounds; their first attempts at speech. The tom was the first to let out a sound less like a mew and more like the word "ma". His sisters tried their best to mimic his noise, but only the silver and white kit was able to succeed. Unlike the tomkit, however, the little molly had not spoken the word into the air absently. Instead, she'd used the word while kneading Jaybird.
"Ma," she purred, pushing her tiny white paws against the silver queen's belly. "Ma, ma, ma, ma, ma."
At first, Jaybird had found the attempt amusing. But once she'd gotten a glance of Snowpaw's face, she quickly changed her tune. Snowpaw could hear her sister chiding the little one softly, attempting to correct her thinking. But young kits could not be reasoned with, and this kit in particular was adamant about the lable she'd placed upon her aunt.
All Snowpaw could see was red. Her ears were ringing, and her veins felt like they had been flooded with icewater. Why was her kit calling Jaybird by that name? Who in the nursery was encouraging the kits to see her as their mother? Snowpaw was livid. She could barely contain her upset. She couldn't even bare to stay in the nursery anymore; not after this. With a harsh lash of her tail, the lynx point molly fled the den, rushing back to her own to cry in her nest. Snowpaw so desperately wanted her kits to know her as their mother. To love her and bond with her, just as they were meant to. But Snowpaw was missing out on such precious time with them. And it didn't help that her connection to them felt strained, with Wolfheart's look-a-like driving her away. What was Snowpaw to do? For a long while, the lynx point molly wept in her nest, thinking, trying to figure out something she could do. Then, in an instant, an idea settled in her mind.
The rain began to fall hard against the forest floor as Snowpaw went on her way. The branches of the trees were nearly bare in the change of seasons, allowing more water to make it to the ground. For a good while, the only sounds which echoed through the woods were the patter of raindrops and an occasional clap of thunder. At least until Snowpaw's kit began to wail.
The lone she-cat traveled far beyond her familiar territory, getting lost in the deep forested area of Treeclan. Though the clan did not take kindly to trespassers, Snowpaw found herself hardly worried about getting caught. She was still a medicine cat, technically. She could still travel across borders as she pleased as long as it was for a just cause. Giving a lone kit a good home seemed like a perfectly good reason to trespass to her.
What Snowpaw did worry about however was the newborn herself. It was hard enough traveling through unfamiliar grounds alone, but it was a whole other experience carrying around such precious cargo. Snowpaw's maternal instincts were still very strong, despite the seperation from her litter and the herbs she had started to take to prevent her milk from coming. Every noise spooked the poor she-cat. The wind blowing the wrong way caused her to involuntary growl. Snowpaw felt ready to strike at anything that dare threaten her now. She would fight all of Tigerclan if it meant protecting this tiny scrap of fur, even if she couldn't bare to look at it. Even if she disowned it like she planned. Soon, she would not have to carry the burden of protecting this kit anymore. If only she could find her way to Wolfheart already. Where was she? How far was she from camp?
A scent traveling on the wind stopped the she-cat in her tracks. A row of blackthorn bushes opened up ahead of her in the inky darkness. A flash of lightning illuminated them temporarily, revealing their identity. This was the barrier which protected Treeclan's camp. She had made it! Now Snowpaw wondered how she was supposed to get past the thorny wall. But before she could try to get in, she had to hide the kit. Thinking would be much easier without having a fussy little one to disturb her planning. The lynx point molly turned around and walked away from the bushes for a few heartbeats to look for a good hiding spot. A foxlengths away she spotted a maple tree with a hollowed out trunk. The hole within it was not too big, yet it was the perfect size to serve the purpose she needed it for. Carefully she placed her tiny silver kitten inside, mewing a soft promise to return. The kit let out a tiny cry, wriggling half blindly in the hole. In response Snowpaw purred, licking her a few times to help quiet the kitten back down. Once she grew still, Snowpaw walked back to the blackthorns.
As she made her way around the barrier, Snowpaw searched for the camp entrance. She eventually came across an elm tree which reeked of clan scent. This had to be the way in. The tree's low branches made easy access for any skilled climber to come and go. But the she-cat was terrible at climbing, especially with her belly still pudgy from pregnancy. She had to find another way in. She continued walking along the thorny wall until she came across a new smell, one even more familiar to her. Excitement flooded her senses and she carelessly rushed towards it. On the other side of the blackthorns, she spotted the cat she had come to see, making dirt. She hesitated a moment before calling to him.
"Wolfheart!" she mewed softly. At the sound of his name the tom's attention turned towards her, eyes flashing green in the darkness. He stared for a moment through the bushes before turning away, only to return a moment later, jumping down from a tree. He stood in front of the she-cat, head held high. His usual long flowing coat was soggy from the rain, clinging to his sides revealing him to be thinner than normal. Leaf-fall was coming to a close, giving way to a harsh Leafbare. It was clear to see the tom was already suffering from it, and the she-cat could only imagine what the rest of his clan looked like.
"What are you doing here?" Wolfheart challenged, his voice harsh and low. Snowpaw took a step closer to him, unintimidated.
"I need to show you something. Come with me." She sounded desperate, Snowpaw knew she did. But in this moment she couldn't bring herself to care.
Wolfheart hesitated a moment as the molly began to walk off. She looked back at him, beckoning him with a wave of her plumed tail. He let out a soft sign, padding after her back to the maple tree. Snowpaw poked her head into the hole in its trunk, pulling out her kit. She turned around and carefully dropped her at Wolfheart's paws.
"She's yours," the lynx-point molly told him, her voice monotone. Wolfheart bent down to sniff at the kit. He nudged her gently with his muzzle, causing her to stir. The kitten let out a tiny squeal, attempting to lift her head. She wiggled in Wolfheart's direction, obviously cold from the rain. Sympathy seem to overtake the tom as he cupped the kit with his paw, guiding her into the shelter of his warm belly fur.
"Snowfrost, where have you been all this time?" He asked, taking his attention off the kit for the time being.
Snowpaw growled, averting his steady green gaze. For a moment, she was silent. There was so much she wanted to say--that she needed to say--yet she could not convince herself to bring up any of it.
"...Why do you care?" She asked, voice soft but laced with attitude. She glanced away, feeling a sudden annoyance with the tom.
"Because I still care about you," Wolfheart responded, sitting down on the damp, leaf littered ground. "Don't you know whats been going on for the past moon and a half?"
Snowpaw narrowed her eyes, lashing her tail, but she did not respond.
"I told Blazestar about our affair. I told my whole clan about it. I was made an apprentice again," Wolfheart confessed, his green eyes brimming with sadness.
"You're an apprentice..?" Snowpaw gasped, her eyes snapping back to look at the tom with fake astonishment. She'd already known of Wolfheart's fate. Though she was surprised that he would confess it to her. Part of Snowpaw was relieved. Now she could tell Wolfheart all about what had happened to her, too. About the trial, about her being named an apprentice again. As she was about to part her jaws to speak, Wolfheart shook his head.
"I was just made a warrior again yesterday. I went through so much humiliation. But I did it all for you, and our children. After the Warriorpaw ceremony, I left. I went to Grassclan to help you raise our kits. But when I got there, Whitestar told me you had gone. She said you were on a journey to reconnect with Starclan. But I know that had to have been a lie. Where did you go?"
Snowpaw lowered her ears, staring at Wolfheart for a moment before finding the right words to say. "I went to Twolegplace. I did what you told me to," she lied. "Our kits are in the care of the Twolegs now. I realized you were right. It's for their own good. Our own good. I left to live in Twolegplace long enough to have the kits. But I couldn't bare to leave all of them." Snowpaw felt bad, not being able to tell Wolfheart the truth. But it was for her own protection, and his. What if their kits really were going to end up as kittypets? If she told Wolfheart that they were in Grassclan, it would give the tom hope. Hope that neither of them could afford to hold onto at this time. Not with how disappointed their clans were with them.
Snowpaw shook her head a little, hardly noticeable. Then she stepped forward, nudging the kit closer to him. "She reminded me a lot of you. I wanted her to meet her father." Snowpaw gave the little kit a few licks before stepping away. "Please, Wolfheart. Take her." She stared at the grey and white tom, blue eyes pleading. She didn't want to have to see this kit anymore, to look into her face and see her father. Snowpaw knew the kit would be better off in Treeclan, Starclan only knew how the rest of her litter was going to be treated. Wolfheart stared at Snowpaw only for a moment before glancing down at the kit.
"I'll take her," he finally decided. Snowpaw trilled, bumping her forehead against his in gratitude before stepping back again.
"Thank you," she sighed, relieved by his decision. "I know she will be in good paws. She is all yours now, Wolfheart, I won't interfere in her life. I know where my place is. I'm a medicine cat, not a mother." The words felt like poison slipping past her lips, burning her tongue and numbing her mouth. Snowpaw wouldn't let Wolfheart see how much it upset her, though deep inside her heart was breaking. All the lies she had told, just for these little scraps of fur she had kitted. Were they really worth it? For a moment, Snowpaw began to fall for her own lies. But before she could think more about it, she was interrupted by the grey and white tom speaking.
"Regardless of whether or not you want to be a part of this kit's life, my clan would never allow you to be. And that's because of the mistakes we've made. So, if I can help it, the clan will never know that this kit wasn't Treeclan born at all." As if to prove his vow, Wolfheart bent his head down to groom the kit's fur backwards to warm her. In return the kit purred, clearly appreciating the gesture. A look of love instantly shined in the tom's pale green eyes, and Snowpaw was reassured that he would be an excellent father, just as she had always known. As long as Wolfheart cares for this kit, I don't think I'll have any problems with letting her go. Though her heart ached, Snowpaw knew this was the best option for them all.
"It's almost morning, the warriors will be rousing soon. They won't take kindly to you wandering onto Treeclan territory," Wolfheart suddenly warned. Snowpaw's ears pricked, head tilting upward to look at the sky. On the horizon the very faintest amount of light began to shine, even from behind the dark clouds that still hung overhead. With a heavy heart, Snowpaw realized she must say goodbye to her ex-mate and his look-a-like kit.
"You're right," the lynx point molly agreed. She walked up to him to briefly touch her nose to his. Wolfheart looked into her eyes as he bent down to pick the kit up in his jaws gently. As she had done to him, Snowpaw touched her nose to the mollykit's, knowing that though she may see this little bundle again someday-all grown up-the kit would never know her true origins. But it was for the best, Snowpaw couldn't have this kitten around-an almost perfect copy of Wolfheart-to remind her of her failed relationship, her mistake, and her other kits. Standing up straight, she turned around, taking one last look back at the two cats before running off into the storm and back to the meadow.
Just as she'd done the night she informed Wolfheart of her pregnancy, Snowpaw ran. She pelted across the soaked meadow fields as fast as her long limbs could carry her. She had to get away. She needed to get away. If she stayed she may change her mind and take the kit back. And then what? Sure that kit would have a harder time being raised in Grassclan than she would in Treeclan. But at least in Treeclan she stood a chance at a normal life. A full, happy life as a clan cat. The fate of Snowpaw's other kits wasn't so sure. Plans were still being arranged that the litter be left in Twolegplace once they were old enough. Snowpaw was glad she could ensure one kit would get to live the life they deserved. But, she was even happier to know that she could finally feel at ease loving her other children. No matter what happens with them, at least I won't feel guilty whenever I look at their faces, Snowpaw reasoned with herself. She could love her litter fully now. And she would. Snowpaw swore in that moment that she would do whatever it takes to care for her other kittens. Even if it meant she'd have to make more sacrifices.