A/N: I actually had this typed and ready to roll right after the last chapter. I went on a freakish writing spree and wrote three chapters at one time. But, I didn't have a chance to upload it until now because I was out of town for catering. Anyway, here it is. Severely angst ridden.
Rating: Take notice of the R rating as it is extremely evident in this chapter.
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Pam was completely submerged underneath the covers, her legs curled into her chest and her chin resting upon her knees.
She was freezing cold and no matter how many blankets she piled on top of her frail form, she would always end up shivering. When she was little and would get a cold her mother would poke her nose and say, "You don't have a cold heart, do you Pammy? Because cold hearts make your entire body freeze."
An excited six-year-old version of her self would sit up in bed with her hands in her lap and ask, "Why mommy?"
Her mother would smile and sit next to her, taking her small hands in her long aged ones. "Because your heart," She patted her chest where her heart was for emphasis. "Is warm when you love somebody very very much. And it beats faster." She began to tap her hand rhythmically against her chest.
"Like mine does with Daddy." Pam would smile and her mother would grin right back. "But sometimes, when that love goes away, or when that love gets hurt, your heart gets cold. And the beating gets slower." Her hand stopped beating against her chest and she would drop it by her side. "And that is the worst feeling in the world."
Pam would then put her hand to her chest and look down at it. "My heart is beating normal. It did not freeze."
And her mom would look at her in mock surprise and say. "Than it is just a cold, nothing to worry about."
The thirty-year-old Pam clutched the blankets tighter around her and pushed the thought out of her mind. She didn't want to think right now. She just wanted to close her eyes and be calm.
Roy wasn't home when she had shown up last night. Probably for the better considering she was sobbing and didn't feel like answering questions. She had crawled into bed, still fully clothed, and immediately fell into a deep sleep.
She had woken up sometime before the sun had risen and found that she was still alone in her bed. She had gotten up and shuffled in the kitchen to make sure Roy hadn't passed out anywhere but he was nowhere to be found.
She wasn't surprised. She knew down in her heart that nothing would change. That nothing would be different. It would be the same as all the other times she had went back to him. He would promise her things about how he was going to change, about how their life would be better together. But every time, he would fail her. And she just didn't have the strength to get disappointed any more.
But she couldn't stop. She couldn't stop herself from looking into his eyes and saying yes every single time. Because every single time he promised her no alcohol and apologized for the bruises on her skin, she would believe him. She was convinced that he loved her somewhere in his heart. That his heart still beat for her the way hers used to when they first met.
And every single time it happened again, she would feel sick to her stomach because it was no ones fault but her own that she stuck around.
This isn't your fault. This was never your fault.
The words subconsciously came into her head without warning and she blinked back tears.
Jim. The single subject she had been mentally avoiding the entire night. She couldn't think about him now. She couldn't go into work today and see him at his desk, packing up his things. She couldn't look at him from across the room and not have him feel her gaze and look up, giving her that smile.
She had hurt him. She knew she did. And she had hurt herself in the process. She knew she felt things with Jim that she hadn't felt in years with Roy. The heart beating faster, just like her mom has described so many years ago.
And the heart freezing, just like her mom had described so many years ago.
I can't stop caring because I love you!
He loved her. He loved her. Jim loved her.
And she was pretty sure she loved him back. What else was that feeling in her chest every time he walked by? What was that flutter in the bottom of her stomach when someone mentioned his name? What was that explosion in her mind when his lips brushed against hers? How come when they were alone, all she could think about was the fact that they were alone?
But she was stuck. Hopelessly stuck in this ridiculous relationship with a man who did nothing but hurt her. She wanted to leave, she did. But every time, Roy managed to convince her otherwise.
She squeezed her eyes shut and squirmed down further in the blankets. Her life was such a mess. She just wanted everything to be normal again.
She heard the door open and shut in her cocoon of warmth and her eyes snapped open. She listened with awkward breathing as Roy stumbled into the room. He stood for a second in silence then prodded her body underneath the covers.
"Playing hide and go seek baby?" His words were slurred and she knew without even smelling his breath that he was drunk.
"Why don't you come on out and give me a kiss?"
She didn't move, pretending to be asleep. Maybe he would get bored and just go away and pass out on the couch.
He pulled back the sheets that covered her in a flourish. She winced as the cold air hit her skin. He smiled down at her.
"Found you."
She looked up at his face from the bed for a split second before sitting up and tucking her legs under her. She was still in her winter jacket and her mascara had successfully run the length of her face.
He didn't notice.
He leaned down to give her a kiss but she pulled away from him. He looked up at her and smiled.
"Playing hard to get, huh?"
He leaned forward again, this time using his arm to bring her face to his. Her lips crashed against his haphazardly. He tasted like scotch and cigarettes.
Nothing like wintergreen and jellybeans.
She wiggled out of his grasp and rolled out of bed, landing with a smack on the floor. She got up on her knees and stood up shakily, using the nightstand for support. Roy watched with amusement from the bed.
"What is wrong with you? Why are you so clumsy?"
She brushed the hair out of her face and looked at him. He was lying in their bed supported by his elbows with a stupid smile on his face, shirt untucked and numerous stains all over it. She let out a sound of disgust.
"I can't do this."
He let his elbows drop and he fell with an exasperated sigh on his back. "This again? Honestly Pam, get a new bit. This one is getting a little old."
She ignored him. "I'm serious. I am not going to be your piece of ass when you get home. I want to be loved and you stopped making my heart beat a long time ago."
He sat up on the bed and turned towards her. She noticed with a slight pang of fear that a familiar glint was in his eye. She took one step back.
"Stopped beating?"
He stood up from the bed and walked over to wear she was. "Well, lets check that."
He reached for her wrist and even though she struggled, maintained a firm grip. He pulled her closer to him.
"Funny, I feel a pulse. And it's going pretty fast."
She looked him in the eye and took a deep breath. "Fear isn't love Roy."
His face contorted into one of rage and he pushed her against the wall. She it hit with a thud, knocking all the air out of her body and causing her to sink to the ground. She closed her eyes in pain.
"You ungrateful bitch!"
He pulled her up by her shoulders and pulled back a hand to smack her across the face. Before he could come in contact with her skin, she picked up her leg and kneed him in the groin.
He let out a grunt of pain and sunk to the ground. She looked down at him and put a hand to her mouth, stepping over him and grabbing her purse off the table before walking out the door.
"Pam! No one is ever going to love you! I am all you have!"
She slammed the door on the sound of his voice and shakily walked to her car. She could feel blood coming from the cut between her shoulder blades that must have reopened when she collided with the wall. Her knees were sore from her fall from the bed and her back was on fire.
She took a deep calming breath and put the car in reverse, knowing for a fact that she would never return to that house.
She could be strong, just this once.
She drove for a while, not really knowing where she was going. The thought of going to Jim's crossed her mind but she immediately rejected it. She couldn't depend on him after she had broken him like that. She didn't deserve to be loved by him. He was too great a man and she was a horrible, weak person. She couldn't expect him to drop his life again to catch her when she was falling.
There was a motel, right outside of Scranton, with a vacancy light flashing brightly in the beginning light of dawn. She pulled in and made her way to the check in desk.
An old man sat there, ancient with glasses almost the size of his face. He looked up when Pam walked in and his eyes widened slightly, giving him the appearance of a bug behind his magnified lenses.
"I'll need a room please." She dug around in her purse for her credit card. She barely noticed her hands shaking.
"Are you all right miss?"
She took the credit card form her purse and slid it across the counter to him, not meeting his eyes. "I just need a room."
He nodded and handed her a worn looking key and pointed to his left. "Just walk that way, the second to your right."
"Thank you." She whispered. She left the office and walked into the cool Pennsylvania air, wrapping her coat tighter around her body. She passed several other patrons on her way to her own room and all gave her sympathetic and somewhat confused stares.
Look at the broken girl, with messed up make up and a bruise on her face. I bet I know what kind of home she comes from.
She opened her door and shut it quietly behind her, making sure all three locks were in place. She didn't notice the stuck in the seventies wallpaper or the weird smell coming from the curtains. All she did was let her jacket drop by the foot of the bed as she climbed in to the much-welcomed sanctuary of the blankets.
She had only been lying there seven minutes and forty two seconds before she couldn't stem the tears any longer. She clutched the blankets close to her chest as she sobbed.
--
"What do you mean I can't leave?" Jim balanced a bag of groceries on his knee and his phone between his ear and shoulder as he searched his pockets for his keys.
Jan sighed on the other end of the phone. "I mean Jim, you can't transfer to another branch of the Dunder Mifflin offices. Scranton is barely getting by. We need every dedicated salesman we have there."
Jim let out a sigh. He barely considered himself dedicated. "But Jan-"
"No buts Jim. My decision is final. You stay where you are, or quit."
She hung up the phone, not giving him the chance to voice his opinion about the second option. He dropped the groceries on the kitchen counter and shuffled over to the couch.
He threw his body down face first on the couch. He didn't know how he was going to do this. He couldn't quit. He knew that. He needed this job to get by.
But Pam. He had no idea how he was going to continue working every day seeing her there, watching her. Seeing the bruises that appeared on her face, noticing with apprehension the winces of pain as she moved to pick up a dropped folder. Now that he knew, he couldn't ignore it. He couldn't block it out.
You don't have to worry about me anymore. I'm okay.
Didn't she want him to care about her? Isn't that why she came to him in the first place?
He sighed and rolled over on his back on the couch. His eyes lingered on the familiar cracks again in the ceiling.
He squeezed his eyes shut and willed himself not to think of her. He didn't want to become the guy who pined over the girl he would never have. To be the guy she always fell back on. To be the guy who had no backbone because the second she blinked those round eyes up at him, he was gone.
He was going to be strong. He would pretend like nothing had happened. He would push his love for her away and ignore it until it just left. He would treat her as a colleague, nothing more, nothing less.
He was done being so caring.
If she didn't want him to be, he wouldn't.