Huzzah! Fast update!

Chapter 2-3

Of Very Pissy Villagers, Terminators, Ut-Oh Oreos, and Creepy Castles

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"'Ello again strangahs!" Mercer shouted, causing Ashley to cower behind Leon.

"Hiya, Mercer…" Katrina said, rolling her eyes at Ashley's fear. "That's Ashley, by the way." She gestured to the sluttish blond. And I don't mean Leon.

"Glad to meet ya!" Mercer said sticking her hand out, causing Ashley to shriek a little.

"Oookay then! Got anything that might interest us?" Katrina quirked an eyebrow.

"A rifle! Care to buy one?" Mercer said, pulling said weapon out of her purple coat.

"Oooh…" Leon said, studying the gun. "Nice… I'll take it!"

Katrina gasped at one of the weapons. "Leon! Can we get one, please?" The gun that caught Katrina's eye, was a Rocket Launcher.

"What would we need one of those for? Come on!"

"I'll pay for it!"

"Okay, then, waste your money if you want… Actually, waste your money only if you're going to let me carry it; I don't trust you with heavy artillery."

"Fine…" With that transaction complete, the trio came upon a covered area with a lever.

"Thank God!" Ashley said, walking over to the lever.

"Don't get too excited, Ashley – it's not a dildo," Katrina said, walking up next to Ashley, with a coy smirk on her face.

"You know what," Ashley said, cueing the music 'We're Not Gonna Take It' by Twisted Sister, "I'm not going to put up your bitchy comments this whole damn trip!"

"You wanna do something about it?"

"Bring it!"

"It's already been brought, ya ho!"

"Okay guys," Leon said breaking them up before they started actually fighting, "let's not do this. Which way do we want to go?"

Katrina closed her eyes, trying to remember something – anything that would help them. "Well… I think we should take the left road…" 'And maybe stuff little miss priss in a dumpster before she really starts to piss me off…'

"Kay then; left it is!" Leon said pushing the lever to the left.

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"I am never letting you navigate for us again," Leon said, shooting another villager.

"You didn't have to listen, Leon!" Katrina fired back.

"Katrina! If you can't talk and shoot at the same time, don't bother talking!"

"Bastard…"

The sound of chainsaws starting rang through the pit where Katrina and Leon were currently fighting a small army of villagers. "Yeah… We definitely should have taken the other path."

"Don't get cute, wise-ass!" Katrina shouted, climbing one of the ladders out of the pit.

"I think you mean 'don't get wise, cute-ass'," Leon said, raising a suggestive eyebrow and aiming his shotgun at the two women wielding chainsaws.

"Leon, allow me to be perfectly frank," Katrina said, kicking one of the villagers' heads off, "the day that I tell you that you have a 'cute-ass' is the same day that I booty-dance with Mendez."

"So… Slim chance?"

Katrina just glared and fired her TMP at an approaching villager. "It's probably as slim as Ashley growing a brain."

"You know, Ashley really isn't all that bad." 'Nearly missed that time…'

"So says the guy who's been hitting on our support agent this whole time; ironically enough, Ashley's got big boobs, a big butt, and is wearing a short skirt. Coincidence?"

"Ashley's butt isn't that big compared to yours…" 'One down one to go…'

"What in fuck's name does that mean!"

"It means that you have a very nice ass. I'm giving you a complement, damn it!"

"Then why did it almost make me throw up?" 'Take that! Ha, ha!'

"What do you mean?"

"You're seven years older than me, Leon. New flash, it's illegal."

"I'm not hitting on you!"

"Oh! So you think I'm ugly now?" 'And another one bites the dust!'

"What do you – This is why I hate women! They jump to con-fucking-clusions!"

"Kidding, much…"

"Yeah, okay then." 'All right! The other creepy chainsaw-chick is down for the count!'

"Chill, Leon… Every once in a while I like to joke around with my friends… Maybe I'm just weird that way, then?"

"Chill? Chill! How in the hell am I supposed to chill right now? There's a crazy man injecting us with shit, a village that seems to hate us, and the village chief doesn't seem to be too keen on us being here either!" 'Last one.'

Katrina rolled her eyes as she dusted her jeans off. She smirked slightly as she said, "We got into this mess; we can get out of it."

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"Well lookie here, guys! Apparently these people have technology and shit!" Katrina said, gesturing to a gondola system spanning across a gorge.

"Ladies first," Leon mumbled, grabbing one of the lifts, stopping it momentarily. Katrina and Ashley got on it, and Leon jumped on shortly after.

"Well, this should be a nice, restful – " Ashley said, cutting off her remark with a scream as a villager brandishing an axe jumped on their lift.

Katrina sighed and fired a few shots at him, causing him to fall into the chasm below. "This is going to be a long ride…"

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"You ready, Kat?" Leon said, stopping outside a large barn.

"Ready as I'll ever be… You really think he's in here?"

"He's got to be. Besides, there's no way that we can get through that big door without a little bit of… Help." Leon smirked and pointed at one of his eyes.

"Good point… Ashley."

"What?" the blond sharply responded.

"Stay out here. And hide!"

"Got it." Ashley ran off to hide behind a group of barrels.

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Leon and Katrina entered the barn, revealing it to be empty. Katrina opened her mouth to say something, but was abruptly stopped as she and Leon were knocked to the ground by one of Mendez's gigantic hands. The giant turned around and proceeded to twist the steel door-handles into pretty origami. Before Mendez could grab the pair for another choke-fest, they rolled out of the way. Leon (being the smart little boy that he is) kicked over a barrel filled with oil, making the fuel surround Mendez's feet. "Hasta la vista, baby," Leon said, aiming his gun at Mendez.

'Great… He's fucking quoting The Terminator now…'

Leon fired into the oil, causing the gas to catch fire and engulf Mendez. The oil drum exploded, making the barn catch on fire. Despite the explosion and the fire, Mendez was still alive. With a crunchy, crackly sound, Mendez's spine grew causing his torso and lower body to separate. His fingernails turned into sharp, black claws and a pair of insect-like appendages sprang out of his back. "Disturbingly enough," Katrina said to a very wide-eyed Leon, "that kinda turned me on."

"Over-share!" Leon screeched, grabbing the Rocket Launcher and aiming it at Mendez. But before Our Hero© could blow Mendez's 7 foot tall body to pieces, he was grabbed by one of the giant's new appendages with a cry of pain. Katrina could swear that she heard something crack… But no time for that now!

She grabbed the Rocket Launcher that Leon dropped and made her aim right at Mendez's head. "Leon, you might want to duck!" Leon did as he was told but also said a little prayer to himself: 'Dear Lord, please do not let the girl with the fat ass shoot me. Amen.' In the few milliseconds between the time when Katrina fired the Rocket Launcher and he was blow to bits with it, Mendez realized that he probably shouldn't have listened to Saddler because, well, the bastard was probably senile anyway.

"Yes! Katrina! You did it! And without killing me!" Leon said, freeing himself from the dead-body's grip.

"Hellz yeah! I so totally smoked dat guy! I popped a cap in his cracka ass! For rizzle my nizzle! Ya know what I'm sayin?"

"No, actually… When the hell did you get… Ghetto?"

"Don't judge me! I'm like an Ut-Oh Oreo!"

"Ut-Oh Oreo?"

"Yeah… White on the outside… But black on the inside!"

"Whatever you say, white-girl…"

"Make sure you grab Bitores's eye, Leon!" Katrina said in her sweetest voice.

"Okay! You bitch…" Leon mumbled. With Mendez's fake eye now in their possession, they could leave.

"Leon! Are you okay?" Ashley said, popping out from behind her barrels as the pair walked outside.

"Bad question," Leon said, pushing on one of his ribs slightly. As the trio approached the large doors blocking their route, Leon grabbed the fake eye from one of his pockets. He held it up to a thin beam of red light coming out of the door, causing it to open. "Let's go!"

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"Shit!" Katrina shouted, pointing at an oncoming truck. "Leon! Shoot it! Shoot it!"

"Fuck that! We're running past!" Leon said, grabbing Ashley's hand.

"What?" the blond girl squeaked.

Katrina raced after Leon and Ashley as they ran across a wooden drawbridge leading into a castle. They closed the drawbridge off to the villagers as Katrina caught her breath. 'Why does this place seem so… Familiar? At least I feel a little bit safer here than in that village… But why? I mean… This place is probably crawling with just as many crazy cultists… Whatever! I'm not going to think about it too much; I'll probably drive myself insane…' With her thoughts behind her, Katrina followed Ashley and Leon into the castle.

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Y HULO THAR!

Anyway… If you're wondering about all the 'fat ass' comments throughout this chapter, someone told me that I had a fat ass today so I've been sort of running with it.

Also, for what it's worth, yes I can actually speak Ebonics and I'm rather proud of that. If I wasn't skinny white jail-bait, I could definitely make it in the ghetto. As far as the Ut-Oh Oreo goes, a friend of mine always says that so I "borrowed" it from her.

As usual, review and such, because I love you guys. Seriously.

Peace Out!