Disclaimer: I don't own it.
Summary: After the death of Lily and James, Sirius goes through the five stages of grief.
Author's Note: For the first part, I assumed that Sirius could find James and Lily because Peter had told him where they were.
The Five Stages of Grief
Step 1:Denial
A large motorcycle flew dozens of feet above Godric's Hollow, the rider disregarding all the laws about muggles and magic. Even from a distance, the remains of a house he had known so well—a house he would recognized no matter what state it was in—were plainly visible. So many memories accompanied that house, which Sirius had helped Lily and James pick out, so many good times…
Sirius Black leapt off the motorcycle the moment it touched the ground and started for the wreckage, hoping against hope to find James and Lily alive… and Harry, poor baby Harry, too. At the thought of his godson in all that destruction, so innocent and helpless, all strength left Sirius, and he sunk helplessly to his knees in the middle of the lawn. Could they possibly be…?
Absolutely not. They couldn't be dead; it was simply impossible to think that James and Lily—who had escaped Voldemort three times—could now be dead. No, they were still in the ruins, laughing their heads off at another failed attempt by Voldemort. Or, James would be laughing and Lily would be scolding him for not taking it seriously. James would then make his favorite joke, about how he was doing exactly what Sirius himself would do, and Lily would stalk out of the house. When she came outside, she would see Sirius, and immediately rush over to greet him.
Any minute now… very soon… in just a few seconds… one of them should've been out by now… they never kept him waiting before… "WHERE ARE THEY?"
"They're gone, Sirius," a familiar voice said behind him. Sirius turned blankly around to see the huge form of the Hogwarts Gamekeeper staring sadly down at him. "Dumbledore jus'… jus' told me… But I didn' think it would be this bad." A fat tear leaked out of one eye, but Sirius continued to stare at him incomprehensively.
"Why are you crying? They're not dead," Sirius said slowly. "They'll come out in another minute or two, and everything will be alright."
"Sirius, they aren' comin' out. I know it hurts, but yeh have ter realize it. They wouldn' worry us all by keepin' in the house; they wouldn' leave us waitin', 'specially not you."
That was true, Sirius knew it was, but he still would not—could not—believe James and Lily were dead. "No," Sirius said firmly, even a touch fiercely. "Any minute now they will come out, and then you'll see they're still alive."
They didn't come out, but Sirius refused to believe they were dead. Not even when Hagrid searched through the rooms for baby Harry, and told him in a choked voice that he saw the bodies, did Sirius believe. He insisted on taking Harry—James and Lily would want their son when they finally came out—but Hagrid told him Dumbledore himself wanted Harry. A smart idea, really, since more Death Eaters were likely to come in an attempt to finish the job. James and Lily could defend themselves easier if they didn't have to worry about Harry's safety, so Sirius offered Hargid his motorcycle to get to Dumbledore quicker.
For hours after Hagrid left, Sirius sat on the lawn and waited. Muggles gathered around, but Sirius paid no mind to them. Only when Aurors came and removed their bodies, did Sirius finally know the truth. James and Lily would never pretend they died; they might have used the Fidelius Charm, but they were definitely not so cowardly as to fake their deaths. Only one option was possible… James and Lily really were dead…
Step 2:Anger
Peter Pettigrew was the slimiest, filthiest, most traitorous excuse for a man that Sirius Black ever knew. How had he not seen it before? Who else made sure that he was surrounded by those stronger and more powerful than himself, in order to protect himself from being hurt? Who else always fretted about choosing sides in anything because he was afraid to chose the wrong one? Who else always thought of himself before everyone he knew? It was so obvious, Sirius wondered how he could have ever trusted that rat.
Never in his life had he hated someone as much as he hated Peter at that moment. Even his family had been more humane and likeable than his former friend. How could he do it? How could someone ever betray James and Lily, let alone someone who knew all their good qualities? James and Lily were the best people in the entire world! They would have died for Peter, had the situation been flipped!
What hurt the most, however, was that this whole thing was mostly Sirius' fault. He had thought it was a brilliant plan, to make Peter the secret-keeper instead of himself. He had insisted that they use Peter, even though Lily had misgivings about it. He told James and Lily that Remus was the traitor, that it could be no one else. He had put Peter in the position to sell James and Lily to Voldemort.
But, oh how he was going to get his revenge. He was going to kill Peter, even if he died himself in the attempt.
The muggle street was crowded, but Peter was there somewhere, Sirius knew it. But where… where? Aha! Sirius quickly pushed some muggles out of his way, drawing his wand as he raced to catch up to the unsuspecting Peter.
"I'm going to kill you, Peter, for what you did," snarled Sirius, pointing his wand at Peter's back. The coward stiffened and slowly turned around, his eyes going wide upon seeing Sirius.
As Sirius started to wave his wand, about to perform a spell, Peter burst out as loudly as he could, "SIRIUS BLACK BETRAYED JAMES AND LILY POTTER!"
Before Sirius could so much as say a word, Peter had killed everyone on the street and had turned into a rat. Only very bloody finger was left were Peter had been previously standing, and Sirius cursed loudly. He was going to get Peter Pettigrew, even if it took forever. He would not rest until the man who had killed his two best friends was also dead.
Step 3: Bargaining
Aurors were swarming the street, and obliviators were performing memory charms on all the muggles who happened upon the scene of the crime. No one bothered to listen to Sirius when he told the truth of what had happened; all assumed that Sirius had killed all those muggles and Peter Pettigrew (he wished he had killed Peter). They were taking him to Azkaban, the Aurors told him, and Sirius had no strength left in him to fight.
"Fine," he said dully. "If I promise to go to Azkaban, will you bring James and Lily back to life? The Unspeakables work with life and death, I'm sure they can find some way to bring James and Lily back to life." It was forbidden to speak of what workers for the Department of Mysteries did, and the few Aurors paying attention glared. "I'll spend the rest of my life in Azkaban, if it brings James and Lily back. I promise. I'd die myself to bring them back."
"Shut up!" hissed a particularly angry Auror, and Sirius didn't know if he felt like laughing or weeping. It was Frank Longbottom. Frank Longbottom was one of the ones arresting him; Frank, a friend from the Order of the Phoenix. "You killed Lily and James, and now you had to add Peter Pettigrew and twelve innocent muggles. What kind of monster are you? And to pretend that you didn't do any of that… I thought I knew you…"
Laughing, he definitely felt like laughing. In span of one day, he had lost everything that he cared about; it was all so hilarious, he couldn't help but laugh. The disgusted looks on all the Aurors faces just made it that much funnier, and his cackle became even crazier. He should stop, he know, but if he did, he knew he would be left weeping harder than he ever had before, and Sirius hated to cry. James and Lily were the only two he felt comfortable crying in front of, and they could no longer comfort him. He would only stop laughing if they came back. Why couldn't they come back?
Step 4: Depression
Darkness filled Sirius Black's cell in Azkaban fortress, even though it was midday; the dementors were coming back, eager to feed on their new source of food. A chill descended upon him, and he felt his sorrow increase a hundredfold. More and more happy memories disappeared, and he was filled with ones of his childhood, his rare fights with James, the anger of Remus after he had told Snivelly how to get to the Shrieking Shack, and—the most painful memory of all—watching as the bodies of James and Lily were brought out of the remains of their house.
Sirius no longer cared what the dementors did to him, for what did it matter in a world where Lily and James were dead? James, his best friend, closer than a brother. James, whom Sirius would do anything for, even if it meant walking into the very fires of Hell itself. James, the one person in the world who always considered Sirius' feelings before his own, no matter what the consequences. James, who was betrayed by one of the people he thought he could trust most in this world.
Lily's death, too, greatly affected Sirius, but not nearly as much as James'. The strongest bond between Lily and him was their shared love for James; in Lily's case, it was the love of a lover, and in Sirius', it was the love between members of a close family—no, it was even stronger than that. Both knew James would never be able to chose one over the other, and both had come to accept that. It was therefore inevitable that he and Lily would grow close, and Sirius had grown to like and trust her more than even Remus and Peter, though he had known them longer.
At the thought of his friendships with James and Lily, tears fell rapidly from Sirius' eyes, and soon he was sobbing helplessly in his cell. A dementor took the opportunity of his weakened state to feed off him, and soon he was forced to relive the scene of destruction that had completely changed his life. As the memory replayed over and over again, Sirius realized he had lied; the dementors still could affect him and make him care.
"James… Lily… why did you have to die?" he moaned, a shiver passing through his body that was only partly due to the dementor. Hopelessness, misery, bitterness, and a whole tangle of other feelings fought for control of him, even after the dementor glided to another cell.
Step 5: Acceptance
Cornelius Fudge was again making his rounds at Azkaban prison, though he was more focused on an article in the Daily Prophet than checking security. Rita Skeeter had written yet another article portraying the Ministry as idiots; he would have to put a stop to her writing, it was destroying all the Ministry's credibility.
The way that Fudge had folded the paper made a page with a large black and white picture of a wizarding family easily seen from Sirius' cell. The headline read "MINISTRY OF MAGIC EMPLOYEE SCOOPS GRAND PRIZE," but Sirius hardly noticed. No, his attention was focused on the shoulder of a tall and lanky boy, where a rat rested, one that Sirius would recognize anywhere… Peter Pettigrew was still alive.
"Can I have that?" Sirius asked abruptly, pointing to the paper.
Fudge jumped slightly, looking startled. "Er… Well…" He looked around nervously, playing with something in his pocket—a wand, probably—before nodding slowly. "Of… Of course you can."
"Thanks." Sirius snatched the paper and quickly scanned the article. A lot of money… The Weasley family… Egypt… New school year… Five children at Hogwarts…
Wait… Five children at Hogwarts? Sirius quickly turned to the front page, searching for the year. 1993. Harry would be at Hogwarts, too, in his third year. With five children at Hogwarts, one of them had to know Harry. All the Weasleys had been in Gryffindor for centuries—it was one of the reasons his family had hated them so much—and Harry was also likely to be in Gryffindor, with parents like his. That meant Peter was perfectly positioned to attack, if Voldemort's side started to gain strength again.
He had to get out of here, he had to protect Harry. Sirius was the only one who knew Peter was still alive, much less at Hogwarts. James and Lily were dead, but Harry still could be saved; Harry needed to be saved. With this revelation, Sirius took Harry's protection into his own care, finally accepting that James and Lily were gone for good.