Chapter 2

Behind the Scenes

Me: Welcome back to O.I.A.N! As for yesterday we got a close up look at what the hidden cameras caught Ozai doing on his own time, let's have the audience's favourite clip.

(And now you see Ozai walking into the Washroom)

Ozai: (Grumbles) There shouldn't be a camera in this room, well not in the shower of course…

Ozai steps in the shower and pours some shampoo onto his hands and starts rubbing it into his hair.

Ozai (Moaning): Yes! YES! YES! I AM A HOTTIE! PEOPLE LOVE MY HAIR! I AM SOOOO BEAUTIFUL! I AM SOOOO GORGEOUS! MY HAIR IS MY LIFE! MY HAIR IS NICE AND LONG! HOW I WISH I WAS A WOMAN….F NOT AGAIN!

(Crowds Laughs)

Me: So you want to see more?

Audience: Yes!

Me: I can't hear you…

Audience: YES!

Me: What?"

Audience: YES!

Me: Excellent! Now meet our special guest today! Please welcome, Lady Ursa!

(Crowds goes nuts cheering and squealing to Ursa as she walks on to the stage and waves out to the crowd and took a seat on the couch across me.)

Me: Hello Lady Ursa.

Ursa: Please call me Ursa.

Me: Alright Ursa, I heard you caught some behind the scene clips of Ozai am I correct?

Ursa: Yes, how about this one to start with?

(Lights go out and you see the TV screen turns on…)

Ozai: Ursa dear, have you seen my hairbrush?

Ursa: No.

Ozai: Azula honey, have you seen my hairbrush?

Azula: No father, I have not seen it.

Ozai: Zuko son, have you seen my hairbrush?

Zuko: No, was it gold?

Ozai: Yes, with pretty red squiggles all over?"

Zuko: Hm….did it happen to be your precious one?

Ozai: (Eagerly) Yes!

Zuko: Oh yes, Azula was using it to practice Firebending by using it as a target.

Ozai: (Screams literally rather girlishly and runs out to find Azula…)

Ozai: Azula! Hand the brush over!

Azula: What this one?

(Hands over the burnt purple hairbrush.)

Ozai: MY PRECIOUS HAIRBRUSH!

Azula & Zuko: What the hell?

Ursa: (Flinching) Ozai uh, I never knew you were soooo attached to your hairbrush…

Ozai: WE MUST HAVE A FUNERAL!

Iroh: (Walks into view and looks at his brother and groans and walks out again) Not again….

Ozai: SCRIBE!

Scribe: Yes my lord?

Ozai: I would like to have all the nobles and the royalty of the Fire Nation to attend to this funeral.

Scribe: Whose funeral's?

Ozai: (Wailing) MY BEAUTIFUL PRECIOUS HAIRBRUSH!

(The Scribe looks at Ozai strangely and writes it down anyways…)

(Ozai walks out crying carrying his burnt brush as Azula and Zuko stare at each other blankly.)

(Azula tugs on Ursa's dress)

Azula: Uh mommy, why is daddy crying over a stupid hairbrush?

Zuko: (Out Rages) HE IS EMBARRASSING US BY HAVING A RIDICULOUS FUNERAL FOR HIS DAMN HAIRBRUSH!

Ursa: Now, now, he may be…

(Over hears Ozai wailing from inside the palace…)

Ursa: On the second thought he is being too dramatic.

(The siblings nod as they went back playing as Ursa walks away.)

(Crowd laughs their heads off)

Ursa: But this only the beginning, Ozai does a lot more stranger things…

Me: No seriously, when did he fall in love with his hairbrush?

Ursa: Don't ask.

Me: Alright roll the next clip!

(A new clip appears on the screen…)

(Ozai in his War Room)

Ozai: So what do you have in mind Admiral?

Admiral: I believe that we should ambush the Water Tribe and the Earth Nation at the same time.

Ozai: Very smart idea…WAAHHAA!

(Generals and Admirals stare at Ozai strangely)

Admiral: That isn't how you do an evil laughter right?

Ozai: Well I had something in my throat…Cough

Admiral: Try again my lord.

Ozai: WUAHAHA!

(Azula steps into the war room with Zuko…)

Azula: Did I hear a piglet-chick in here?

Zuko: Yeah it sounded like it.

Ozai: Children, why are you in here?

Azula: Well we heard something from the other side of the palace.

Ozai: Well then go back to your mother now…

Zuko: No, let us find that thing first.

Azula: Yeah! I want to use it as a target!

Ozai: Do you mean this? WAAHHAA!

Azula: That is supposed to be your evil laughter?

Zuko: That sucks.

Azula: Like this dad, Zuzu try it.

Zuko: MWUAHAHA! AND DON'T CALL ME ZUZU!

Azula: Hm… you are good, try dad.

Ozai: MUALALALA!

Zuko: (Blinks) You suck, you need a lot of practice, maybe me and Azula could tutor you…YES! WE CAN TUTOR YOU!

Azula: (Grins evilly) You are BRILLIANT ZUZU!

Zuko: Thank you Zula.

Azula: Now try again dad.

Ozai: HAHAHLAA!

(Azula and Zuko burst out laughing and runs out of the room…)

(Crowd laughs)

Ozai's Former Fan Girl#7: Good thing I abandoned the Ozai Fan Club.

Former Ozai's Fan Girls: YEP!

Me: Whatever…Any better clips?

Ursa: That wasn't really funny, but this one will be, roll the next clip!

(Ozai walks into the meadows and picks a flower)

Ozai: Ooooh, pretty flower…

Zuko: Daddy, that flower is a poison ivy flower.

Ozai: Don't be silly…oh…I am so itchy….

Zuko: Told you.

Ozai: Could you scratch my back please?

Zuko: EW no, I don't want to catch it, it is contagious.

Ozai: please?

Zuko: Nope.

Ozai: I'll pay you.

Zuko: Never.

Ozai: I'll…I'll give you a brand new teddy bear!

Zuko: (Lamely) I already have 30 of them.

(Zuko's Fan girl#123244977: I WANT ZUKO'S TEDDY BEAR!)

Ozai: Please, how about I make you my favourite.

Zuko: Wasn't I always your favourite?

Ozai: Well…

Zuko: Well since I am not your favourite why not ask Azula, the one you adore.

Ozai: But…

Zuko: (Taunting) Oh don't worry I am sure Azula loves you so much, that she would scratch your back well, but I would doubt that she would want to lay a finger on your poisonous skin!

Ozai: Prince Zuko, I am telling you…

Zuko: Oh mommy is calling me, I will see you later daddy! Good luck getting rid of the itchy stuff!

Ozai: ZUKO GET YOUR LITTLE BUTT BACK HERE!

Azula: See what I mean?

Ursa: Truly embarrassing…

MWUAHAHA

Somewhere out there…

Ozai: (Angrily) Where are my people, my guards, my scribes?

Advisor: They all went to a show called, '50 ways to embarrass Ozai'…

Ozai: (Dreamily) What? Oh a show? About me?

Advisor: Not a good show about you, more like uh…

Ozai: Secrets?

Advisor: (Snickering) Yes like that time you were singing in the shower…

Ozai: That is not true!

Advisor: Oh really? It's on the front page in Fanfiction World, and one of the most popular shows in TAKE ME THERE!

Advisor: How?

Ozai: Well you are my advisor aren't you supposed to tell me what I should do?

Advisor: No. (Flees)

Ozai: (Outrages) I WILL GET INTO THAT…uh what is that place….hm…STUDIO SOON!

Back at the studios

Me: Alright we are back, now here is something I never thought Ozai would do, our second guest today will be…

Rianna: HI EVERYONE!

Me: You are the second guest?

Mel: HI! HI! HI!

Me: What?

Rianna: Oh she's the third guest; we have something that is going to crack everyone up!

Mel: Totally, I okay I was looking for bloopers for that teaser at the end of season 1, in further notice lets see before we spoil it for you.

Me: ROLL THE CLIP!

(The teaser at the end of Season 1)

Ozai: (Sing-Song voice) Your uncle is a traitor and your brother is a failure.

Director: (Angrily) NO! CUT! CUT! You are supposed to be stern and angry!

Ozai: (Rapping) Your uncle is a traitor yo and your weakling Zuzu brother is a failure.

Director: (Outrages) WHAT WAS THAT?

Ozai: Rapping.

Azula: Pardon me? That is not rapping…well as far as I know.

Ozai: WHEN DID YOU GO ON HIS SIDE?

Azula: Now.

Ozai: …

Director: Okay listen try again making it…

Ozai: (Mysteriously) Your uncle is a traitor…your brother is a failure…

Director: NO! CUT!

Ozai: Alright listen up your uncle is a failure and your brother is a hero!

Azula: WHAT? Lunch break please!

Director: You do that, sigh Ozai you screwed up the lines.

Zhao: Why did I die?

Director: OUT! I FIRED YOU REMEMBER?

Zhao: Damn…

Director: (Slaps his forehead) Damn, again Ozai.

Ozai: I am your father….

Camera Crew: Ozai!

Azula: (Annoyed) This is boring I quit.

Director: LOOK WHAT YOU DID?

Ozai: (Chanting) My hair, my beauty, my hair, my beauty…Yes?

Director: That's it! I QUIT!

Ozai: Pardon?

(Crowd sits there quietly)

(Mel slaps Rianna and out rages)

Mel: SEE I TOLD YOU! THEY WOULD NOT CRACK UP!

Rianna: Wait…

(Ozai walks into his bedroom and sits on his bed and began flirting)

Ozai: You are the man, yeah that's right everyone loves ye, your lovely…

Ozai's Former Fan Girls: EW!

Zuko's Fan Girl#509763030: WAHHHH MY EYES! IT BURNS! IT BURNS!

Mel: GOSH! MY EYES! SOMEONE WHY DIDN'T YOU BLOCK THAT CLIP?

Me: EW THAT IS SICK! SOMEONE DELETE THAT! KIDS ARE WATCHING THIS YOU KNOW!

(Somewhere else)

Three years old kid: Heh heh naked man……AHHHHHHH! (Faints)

Baby: WAAAAAH!

(Translation: EW! TURN OFF! TURN IT OFF! MY POOR YOUNG EYES!)

Azula walks into her father's room and screams and runs out and screams through the palace covering her eyes: MY EYES! MY EYES! OH AGNI MY EYES! AGNI HELP ME!

Scribe walking by the room: (Yells) AH MY EYES ARE ON FIRE! WATER SOMEONE WATER!

Ozai looks around and admires himself winking at himself.

(Crowd groans in disgusts and snickering at the same time)

Rianna sticks her tongue at Mel as she crosses her arms across her chest and smirked, "Well?"

Mel: That was sick.

Me: (Chanting) EW…..EW…EW….ew…EW…EW… EW…EW…EW…EW…EW…EW…EW...EW... EW...EW…EW…EW…..!

Marie Christian jumps in: OMG! I GOT SOMETHING THAT YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING TO FREAK OUT ABOUT!

Crowds start talking as Rianna yells: QUIET!

(Crowd Silence)

Rianna: What do you have to say?

Marie: AANGISCHEATINGONKATARATOPHMENG!

Me/Mel/Rianna: English please.

Marie: (Slowly) Aang, is cheating on Katara, Toph, and Meng…

Kataang Fan/Tophaang/Meng x Aang Fan: WHERE IS YOUR PROOF?

Marie: RIGHT HERE!

Me: This is about Ozai Marie, not about Pairings.

Marie: Pardon?

Me: You heard me, I…

Jade: WHERE IS ZUKO?

Me: He's isn't here right now.

Jade looks at Azula: ZULA YOU B HOW DARE YOU TRY TO KILL YOUR BROTHER!

Azula: AHH SHITT! NOT MORE 'Zula's must die Fans'!

Jade: (Leading the 'Zula's must die Fan Army') ATTACK!

Azula: (Runs) TAXI! TAXI! TAXI!

Me/Mel/Rianna/Marie: (Blinks)

Emily: Okay what was that?

Me: Emily when did you come here?

Ursa: I think we are out of time…

Emily: Actually we have 30 seconds left before the next show starts called, '100 000 ways to get Zuko to fall in love with you'….hosted by Jade.

Mel/Rianna/Me: Not surprising…

Marie: I SUPPORT-

Me: Alright that is it for today DJ HIT IT! Ursa thank you for coming and bringing in the clips, and thanks for watching and we'll be back tomorrow at the same time! Good day everyone!

DJ: ALRIGHT DEDICATING THIS SONG TO PRINCE ZUKO! MOVE ALONG!

Zuko: What?

Fan Girls: OMG THERE HE IS! ZUKO! WE LOVE YOU!

Zuko: WHERE IS THAT FLYING BISON?

Aang: Appa?

Appa: Groan, groan…

Translation: Excuse me, don't I have any fans?

Momo: Chirp.

Translation: You know I don't have any either…

Appa: Groan…

Translation: Whatever, who needs them.

Momo: CHIRP!

Translation: Okay maybe on the second thought we do…

MWUAHAHA!

Disclaimer: Don't you just love torturing Ozai?

….I do…

MWUAHAHA!