Disclaimer: This story includes excerpts of the movie Star Wars. The characters and idea of Star Wars is property of George Lucas. I'm borrowing the characters as respectfully as possible, simply to entertain myself and anyone willing to read this fanfiction.
AN; Dear reader. To begin with I apologize for the somewhat rickety nature of the previous chapter. My aim of that chapter (and my excuse to you, dear readers) was to show a few added thoughts to a part of the film and story that didn't really need any new input from me. I had no real need to rehash the action scenes, and just wanted to show some thoughts that obviously were not shown in the movie but should be present in my view. The quick change in things would reflect the quick nature of thoughts, passing by in an instant. Anyway, that's my excuse. As you all know, my story works the best when seeing the movie right next to it, and the previous chapter was leaning on that perhaps a little too much. Not this chapter though! Ladies and gentlemen, strap yourselfs in, it's going to be a bumpy ride! To give you a taste of what's to come; I just couldn't accept Padme brushing over the fact Anakin killed an entire nomad camp like it was a stroll through the park. Here is my version...
PS I most certainly have NOT dropped this story. However, I am attending classes at the university AND give guitar classes myself, so I won't be posting chapters at the same rate as I did during the vacation. But they will come!

Peace of Heart

Death

Silently and without much conscious thought Padme was running her fingers over the seam of her sleeve. It had been hours since Anakin had left to find his mother, and they hadn't heard anything from him. Strangely enough she wasn't afraid he was in trouble. He could handle himself if anything should happen, the night of her assassination attempt had taught her that. But she was feeling a little scared, scared that Anakin could not find his mother, or even worse to find her dead. Cliegg was nearly convinced that Shmi was dead, impossible for her to survive this long out in the wilderness amongst those savages. Padme knew that hope was eternal and there was always a slight chance that Anakin's mother was still alive. But she could see how sad Cliegg was and understood that there was practically no hope. She didn't know Tatooine as they did.

"Credit for your thoughts?"

A little startled she turned her head and saw Cliegg looking at her, his chair on the threshold. She hadn't heard him approach her, but her mind had been a little preoccupied.

"May I come in?"

She nodded her consent. Cliegg guided his chair forward and rolled up next to the bed she was sitting on. For a moment she studied his face. It was, as most faces on Tatooine, a little worn and weathered by the ever-present heat and sunshine. His beard had light streaks of brown still in it but was rapidly changing to grey. The hair on his head was more or less still its original color, making him seem less old. He looked the kind of man that could work all day without a single complaint and come home in the evening to be with his wife and child, a real father. A man who would sacrifice anything for them, clearly demonstrated by his current injury. A realization came to her and she smiled sadly at him.

"You loved Shmi, didn't you?"

He looked at her with the same sad and somewhat lonely expression he had during the conversation hours ago with Anakin.

"Yes, I did."

With a swell of sympathy she reached out and laid her hand on top of his. He smiled and looked down at his lap.

"I will always love her. But I had to face the harsh reality, she won't come back."

"It hurts when those we love leave us."

She saw him nod slowly. Padme squeezed his hand.

"Were you happy?"

With this question he looked up at her again, his eyes shining with tears. "Very much."

Padme smiled at him. "Then you have given Shmi something good and free in a lifetime of slavery. She will remember that."

His smile tightened and she could see the tension in his face. He was clearly experiencing a lot of emotions and was struggling to not let them break down his composure. Something she could understand, having to do so every time she walked into the Senate building to do her part as senator. It was something essential in her line of work to reign in emotions, as they could prove your downfall in the political arena where everything consisted of arguments, logic and twisted logic. Someone thrown slightly off course by emotions would be eaten alive by the sharks in the murky waters of the Senate.

"What about you?"

Her head snapped back at him after drifting away, immersed in her thoughts.

"Me?"

"Yes, you. Forgive me if I'm too curious for my own good but Shmi was my wife and I will treat Anakin like my son." He turned over his hand and gently squeezed hers. "Can I see you as part of the family as well?"

For a second his words didn't reach her and she blankly stared at him. Then her eyes widened and her insides tightened in embarrassment and awkwardness.

"No, no! I…I'd be honored to be part of your family, but that is not the case."

He looked at her with a small frown on his forehead. "I'm sorry…I assumed…"

She hung her head a little. "Anakin is my friend, I couldn't let him go alone."

"Mmm, that's very admirable of you. Anakin is lucky to have you."

She couldn't think of anything to say in response to this. On the one hand she wanted to thank Cliegg for his compliment, but she also didn't want to give him the impression that Anakin 'had' her in any way. With a small feeling of guilt she realized she hadn't really done a lot to state she wasn't involved with Anakin. She had just travelled thirty parsecs with him to visit his mother, admittedly that didn't seem like something casual friends would do for each other.

"I'll let you get some sleep now, it's late."

Padme looked back at him and smiled. "Thank you."

Cliegg nodded and he steered his chair towards the door. With his back to her he stopped just before exiting. He turned his head back to her and spoke in a strong but somewhat hushed voice.

"Anakin will make it back."

Hey eyes sought out the same spot on the wall she had been looking at before Cliegg had joined her. "I know," she softly replied.

Again he nodded. Then he left the room and the door quietly closed behind him. Padme sighed and let herself fall back on the bed. Her thoughts drifted to the two jedi who had turned her world upside down these last few days. She could hardly believe all of this happened in a matter of days, instead of weeks or months or years even. She worried about Anakin, out there looking for his mother. Something told her he wasn't going to react well if his mother was dead, and she didn't know how she could help him. Padme closed her eyes and thought of Obi-wan. He would know what to do, she thought. The master could help the apprentice, guide him through such an emotional time.

Then a memory sparked in her. Obi-wan had lost Qui-gon on Naboo and the imposing master had been like a father to him. She could remember it clearly. They had sat together, she in his lap, talking about it in soft voices. The memory gave her a bit of confidence. All everybody needs after a personal loss is someone who will listen to him or her, maybe offer a reassuring hug. With that in mind she sat up and started to look for her sleepwear. When Anakin would come back she knew how she could be his friend. She would listen to everything he had to say, let him get it out of his system. A little less anxious she made ready for bed.

- ∞ -

With his eyes closed he brought himself into a deep meditation. The sun was liberally streaming into his private chamber, but its brightness and heat did not reach him. It had taken him many years in his youth but he could sink into meditation deep enough to completely shut out all influences from the outside. This brought his own thoughts and the feeling of the Force more to the front, enhancing his ability to work with both.

Today had been abnormally quiet. The temple always held a number of jedi going to and fro on their business, creating a calm but ever-busy atmosphere. But today the general mood seemed…dampened somehow. He sighed internally. Probably because so many jedi were on assignment right this moment, trying to hold the fragile peace in this universe intact.

But the younglings in his class this afternoon were also subdued. Normally they would have questions, revealing their youthful curiosity and playfulness. Just not today. Perhaps something was gathering in the Force. The young ones often subconsciously felt changes coming and it would do the elder jedi good to remember such things, he though with a silent chuckle.

Following his own advice he delved even deeper into meditation, focusing himself fully on the flow of the Force in all its aspects. To him the Force was like a never-ending ribbon, perpetually winding itself around and through every living being in the universe. The ribbon would rise and fall, glow brighter or dim, lay still or suddenly move. In his mind he reached out and carefully touched the band of the Living Force. It briefly glowed under his touch but continued to flow as normal. Well, as normal as could be expected in these troubling times. Prime example was this planet. Coruscant was an enormous gathering of creatures and species, often with less than honorable intents.

Shrugging off such feelings he focused more on the distant call of the Unifying Force. In his view the Unifying Force was not yet part of the ribbon. The Unifying Force to him were the colors in the sky and on the horizon deep in his mind, slowly merging with the bands of the Living Force over time. The location and color could warn him of danger or tell him of wondrous things. He could remember sometimes seeing magnificent colors merging into the Living Force, resulting in remarkable events. Even individuals at times. One that immediately came to mind was the unusual mixture of blue, silver, grey and green that had merged into a small but very dense portion of the Living Force so many years ago. With a soft smile he could remember the little boy coming to the temple for the first time. He had seen and felt the connection between Qui-gon and the little boy instantly, even though they hadn't. He was almost proven wrong years later, but his faith in the two had paid off. They had formed an incredible duo, often referred to as the Order's best team.

Obi-wan Kenobi. One of the most remarkable and admirable knights in the Order at this time. He knew it would not be long until Obi-wan would be on the council. He almost exemplified the all-round jedi, his strength and wisdom known throughout the temple. If he were to be honest he had a soft spot in his heart for the jedi knight too. There was just something pure, honest and peaceful about him that made it impossible to dislike him.

He lightly frowned. Obi-wan was currently trying to track down the culprits behind the assassination attempt on Senator Amidala. And by doing so had discovered a larger plot, which caused him to worry a great deal more about everything. He hoped Obi-wan would return safely, the order could definitely use his strength to unravel and fight all the looming mysteries.

In an expected vain attempt he tried to feel Obi-wan in the Force, to see how he was doing, but his signature was nowhere to be found in the Force. This actually made him smile. Obi-wan was stealthily executing his mission, not even risking detection through the Force. He was proud to know Obi-wan was doing his utmost to uncover the plot. His training had not been forgotten.

Unlike Obi-wan's apprentice. He took a calming breath before searching for Anakin's presence in the Force. How different master and apprentice can be, he briefly thought. Through the years he had seen Anakin grow up from a young boy to a strong young man, and seen him grow in his connection to the Force. But sometimes he could not help but think there was something wrong him still. Obi-wan was a strict but fair teacher, however with a large tolerance. Ordinarily this was not a bad thing but he wondered if Anakin was showing his master everything about himself. Tolerance is good, if blind it doesn't make you, he thought. It would no do good if—

The colour in the Living Force changed, but it was far away from him. Mentally he searched for the disturbance. Sounds reached his ears and he felt his flesh grow cold as he heard them. Incoherent screams filled his ears, bringing the feel of pain and death to him. Then he heard a male voice call out for Anakin. He felt the tip of his ears rise as he instantly recognized the voice. It had belonged to Qui-gon, one of his old apprentices. Only in the deepest of his meditations could he sometimes hear individual voices in the Force, but always very faint and incomprehensible. Yet this time his cry was as clear as Rokian crystal. More pain washed over his consciousness.

He barely noticed the door of his chamber open and Mace walk in. The jedi master settled himself on one of the large cushions. Letting the voices drift away from him a little he opened his eyes and looked at his fellow council member and old apprentice. Mace frowned a little and concern laced his voice.

"What is it?"

Jedi Master Yoda, unelected head of the Jedi Council and oldest jedi knight alive, closed his eyes again and let the voices and feelings come back to him through the Force.

"Pain, suffering…death, I feel."

- ∞ -

"Listen"

Padme stopped eating the moment Lars spoke. All day she had been on edge, waiting for any sign of Anakin. She looked at him, trying to read his eyes. Suddenly they widened.

"It's a speederbike."

In a flash everyone was up and heading for the surface. Lars quickly ran up the stairs with her right behind him. When she finally walked up the last set of stairs she could see Anakin walking around the bike. His dark attire stood out clearly against the bright sands. He had his head turned down a little and she couldn't see his eyes. She was worried for him, but that feeling was quickly replaced by shock as he lifted up a body wrapped in grey cloth from the bike. She held her hand against her mouth, holding in her gasp.

Anakin slowly walked past them. He levelled his gaze with everyone, telling them without words that he had found his mother when no one else was willing to look for her anymore. Padme understood his reaction and even felt a little guilty herself. But the moment he looked at her she was surprised by the amount of hatred he held. It was a mere glance, he moved past her quickly and didn't look at her anymore, but it was enough to convince her something had gone very wrong. She had expected him to come back immensely sad, not angry. But as he descended down the stairs his whole posture yelled of a barely contained anger. With an inaudible sigh she closed her eyes. It was going to be hard getting through to Anakin and offer him her support. But she would do it.

After Anakin had handed over the body of his mother he disappeared. Eventually she tracked him down in the systems room. Padme knew he was very fond of tinkering with gadgets and technology but this time it wasn't for his amusement. It was a defence mechanism, keeping himself occupied so he would not have to discover the depths of his grief. With the help of Beru she made a lunch tray for him, hoping he wouldn't see through her excuse to see him.

She walked down the small ramp and watched him for a moment. He was doing something to some machine and kept his gaze fixed downwards. Instantly she knew this was going to be difficult.

"I brought you something."

He just kept working.

"Are you hungry?"

For a split second she thought he was going to ignore her completely. She looked down at the tray and tried to think of another excuse to disrupt his obvious attempt at hiding. When he spoke up she quickly looked back at him.

"The shifter broke."

Well, at least he's not completely unresponsive, she thought. She scanned around the room for a place to set down his lunch.

"Life seems so much simpler when you're fixing things."

She was a little surprised he was actually talking, so decided not to interrupt him. Placing the tray on an empty surface to her left she calmed herself and focused on his every word in order to help him the best she could.

"I'm good at fixing things. Always was."

Padme turned and looked at him. He was still looking down, his hands working the machine. But she could tell he wasn't really interested in it anymore.

"But I couldn't…"

She carefully refrained from speaking out. He was touching the subject of his mother on his own and she didn't want to scare him off. Then his hands stilled and he looked up. His eyes held a mixture of anger and childlike grief, born out of stubbornness and not understanding.

"Why did she have to die?"

He locked eyes with her for a second before looking away.

"Why couldn't I save her?"

Anakin looked back at her and she felt his eyes search hers, looking for an answer that would take away all the grief and pain. But she didn't have it. He was asking questions she had no answers to. Especially the last one.

"I know I could have!"

He turned and walked away from the table. It gave Padme the time she needed to formulate her response. She wanted to give him some kind of answer that would probably bring his grief into harsh daylight, but at the same time sooth his emotions. Slowly and tentatively she took a few steps towards him.

"Sometimes there are things no one can fix."

He kept his back at her and gave no sign he heard her. But she knew she needed to forge ahead.

"You're not all powerful."

"Well I should be!"

His sudden reply puzzled her. What did he say? He should be all-powerful? Her worries increased another notch.

"Someday I will be. I will be the most powerful jedi ever."

She could hear him take a breath in between his tears. Part of her wanted to reach out and touch him, give him a shoulder to cry on, but his words were stirring a whole different response in her. Declarations of power usually had a very negative effect with her. Anakin in a quick move turned his head around and stared at her.

"I promise you."

The intensity of his emotions in his eyes almost gave her the same suffocating feeling he had given her a few days ago.

"I will even learn to stop people from dying."

This time his words really made her worry about his mind. She tried to gather the words necessary to make him see reason again.

"Anakin…"

But he looked away again, his breaths short.

"It's all Obi-wan's fault."

'What! Where the hell did that come from?'

"He's jealous. He's holding me back!"

To punctuate his statement he threw the spanner he'd been using across the room. With a dull clunk of metal on metal it hit a piece of scrap and disappeared from sight. She was still trying to make sense of his words and apparent wish to become so powerful he could stop death, but she had a slight ringing in her ears at the outrageous accusations at Obi-wan. Where did he have the nerve to accuse Obi-wan so! He had done nothing but teach and guide Anakin, probably giving him more time and attention than the average parent did.

When he turned his back to her again she saw his shoulders slump a little. She practically saw the anger he had just displayed leave his body, deflating him a little. The only feeling she could sense in him was guilt. Her logical mind told her that perhaps there was a reason why he was turning on Obi-wan like that, placing blame with others.

"What's wrong Ani?" she asked him, her voice sounding undemanding yet a little reproving.

It took a while for him to respond. He still kept his back at her and she had to strain to hear his voice.

"I…"

The tone of his voice told her there was something very wrong. Something more than finding his mother dead.

"I killed them."

Instantly a violent chill ran down her spine. The muscles of her lower back cramped painfully and her mind reeled at his words.

"I killed them all. They're dead. Every single one of them."

He turned and she looked at his face. She prided herself in her ability to read people, but at this very moment she cursed it. His gaze made her shiver internally, intensifying the pain in her lower back.

"And not just the men. But the women, and the children too."

Although she could see his eyes were wet with tears his entire demeanour and voice revealed nothing of sorrow or pain. She could only stand in silence and hear him out. The shock was too great for her to respond to him. His words reached her ears but her mind was refusing to acknowledge them.

"They're like animals. And I slaughtered them like animals!"

The anger, rage and utter contempt in his words and eyes pinned her to the ground, forcing her down like a dress made out of duristeel. She almost missed it but still managed to see his bottom lip trembling.

"I hate them!"

A solitary tear travelled down his cheek. He gave her one last intense look before turning his head. Her mind was filled with icy feelings of dread and fear. Mentally she slapped herself for not thinking how Anakin managed to get his mother back. Oh good heavens, she thought. He had to kill to get her back. Her heart immediately went out for him, imagining how much this must hurt him. When he sagged to the floor she had to hold back a few tears of her own. He was rapidly falling apart and the tears were flowing freely now. His previous anger was completely gone and all she could see now was grief, pain and loneliness.

Slowly she got down next to him. Her heart was overflowing with compassion as she ran her hand over his shoulder and back. His sobs now became audible and she let her hand go up the side of his head, stroking the short hair. For a moment he seemed to resist her touch but after a few seconds he shifted his legs to the side and leaned towards her. She pulled him into an embrace, holding him like a mother would her crying child.

Slowly she continued stroking his hair in an attempt to calm him. But she couldn't calm herself. All sorts of emotions and ideas were running through her mind. First and foremost was sympathy for Anakin. He really didn't deserve to lose his mother like this. She didn't dare imagine if something like this would have happen to her mother, she'd be devastated. Sadness was the second emotion. Although she hadn't spent a lot of time with Shmi she knew Anakin's mother was an extraordinary woman, who didn't deserve to pass on like this. I guess no one deserves any of this, she grimly thought.

As she sat there, rocking Anakin quietly, her sadness and compassion made room for another feeling. It started at the bottom of her heart and was slowly growing, but she had a hard time determining what is was. It didn't feel like sympathy or compassion and didn't have the same effect as her sadness. No it felt more… heavy, with a deadly potential. She started to grow afraid of it and tried to suppress it but it only grew larger and begged for her attention. Carefully she started exploring it. In her mind a small seed of the feeling was planted and it rapidly started growing. A wave of unease was the first thing she could make out. Unease at Anakin's words, she realized. Her compassion said that was only natural, such grief and anger would scare anyone a little. Anakin had said things in anger, things he didn't really mean. Yet the dark feeling grew again and the unease was replaced with a very cold feeling, one she knew belonged to death. She thanked whatever gods there were that she hadn't experienced death many times, but ever since she had been to her grandmother's funeral when she was a little girl death had left its distinctive mark behind. She could feel it now, lingering in between her and Anakin. Again her compassion told her it was natural, Shmi had just passed away. But the feeling stirred rather forcefully, convincing her it was something else.

Then it hit her like a bolt of lightning. It threw her mind in complete shock and her body chilled to the marrow of her bones. She felt Anakin's hands creep up her sides and hold her more tightly to him. Cold, violent crimson fire gripped her insides and heart, their origin the contact between her and Anakin's hands. In a moment of clarity, infinite in its meaning and just a fraction of a second in time, the red fire spelled out Anakin's earlier words in her mind. I killed them. He had killed. I killed them all. The Tuskan raiders could have had an all warrior camp, holding Shmi… but… And not just the men. But the women, and children. Women and children wouldn't be a threat to Anakin. They're like animals. And I slaughtered them like animals. She closed her eyes as tears of utter horror and shock made their way down her cheeks. I hate them! No, no, no, this isn't possible… Anakin what have you done? This wasn't self-defence, or a justified action in a rescue mission. This only made sense if… Her stomach twisted in a painful knot and she could barely refrain herself from throwing up. This was only possible if Anakin killed everyone in that camp after he had found his mother dead. Otherwise he would have escaped before anyone would notice. This wasn't a rescue, this was a massacre…

Suddenly the embrace she shared with Anakin felt like a straitjacket. It felt like she was suffocating, falling down a bottomless pit, drowning bound to a large rock with the light of the surface quickly disappearing. Her breathing picked up in pace and became a little shallow. Panic was rising in her throat, distorting her voice. It came out hoarse and a little feeble.

"Anakin"

He kept his hand on her body in their tight embrace. She had already placed her hands on his arms and tried to slowly push him away without being too obvious about it. But her emotional control was quickly slipping and she needed to get away.

"Anakin," she tried again, this time a little louder.

But he kept his head down and tried to pull her even closer. Her breathing quickened again and she pushed harder.

"Anakin!" she half screamed.

This brought him out of his trance. His hold slackened and she quickly moved away. In a flash she was on her feet and immediately stepped back two feet. He looked up at her, his eyes red and puffy with a questioning look in them. Using her last shred of control she calmed down her breathing and forced out a simple excuse to excuse herself.

"I…I'm going to check on Cliegg. Perhaps decide what we can do for your mother…"

For a second he gave her a look filled with his earlier anger and in comprehension. She swallowed, suddenly afraid of him completely. Then his look changed and sadness overtook him again. He nodded slowly but remained sitting on the ground. With some relief she nodded too. She attempted to step away as calmly as possible but when she reached the top of the ramp and the beginning of the side corridor out of Anakin's sight she quickly ran to the room Cliegg had given her. There she locked the door and crawled onto the bed, lying down in a foetal position. With her knees drawn up as tight as possible to her chest she finally let out the tears. Soundless heavy sobs wrecked her frame, releasing a lot of heavy emotion. It all felt too much to her. She closed her eyes tightly and willed everything to go away and leave her alone. But the situation didn't change. Out of self-preservation her body urged her to sleep. Her mind quickly agreed and she fell into the gentle embrace of sleep, her tears drying on her cheeks.

- ∞ -