1. World's Worst Potions Professor
Mike flattened his hair and stepped down, waggling his elbows just slightly which caused his robes to billow outward.
"I can teach you how to bottle fame," he hissed, "brew glory… even stopper death." The students burst into laughter. "If I had my way," Mike continued menacingly, "Gryffindor testicles would be the main ingredient in every potion I make… dunderheads."
As the students laughed harder, a dark, angry-looking man melted out of the shadows at the back of the audience. Mike gulped and quickly stumbled backwards.
-----
2. World's Worst Person to be Minister For Magic
"Hullo, my name's Aberforth Dumbledore, and my first act as Minister will be to abolish all those silly laws about which charms you can and cannot practice on goats."
-----
3. World's Worst Thing to Say to the Dark Lord
"So, Voldie – can I call you Voldie? Such an interesting name. Anyway, Voldie, dear, I was just saying to my friend Sally what a shame it is that we can't get Muggle soaps here at Hogwarts. I mean, Coronation Street is just so much more well-written than Days of Destiny, don't you think?"
The awed silence was broken by Harry Potter's hysterical cackle of laughter.
-----
4. World's Worst Person to be Stuck on a Moving Staircase With
Mike rubbed his hands through his hair, making it stand on end. He stepped forward, speaking rapidly and in a high-pitched voice.
"Did you know these staircases were charmed by the founders to move only when the Giant Squid forms certain arithmantic equations with its tentacles? I read it in Hogwarts: a History."
-----
5. World's Worst Death Eater
"Hi, I'm Martin Miggs, and I'm ready to dedicate myself to the cause of the Dark Lord. Down with mudbloods!"
-----
Notes: "Days of Destiny" is lovingly stolen from St. Margarets' Wallpaper Trilogy.