WARINING: SELF-INJURY -- CUTTING (may not be suitable for younger readers)
Chapter nine: a need and a remedy
Draco woke up to the sounds of banging and scrapping. He opened his eyes. Harry was moving throughout the room throwing piles of clothes into an open trunk. He grabbed his books that were stacked on top of his desk and tossed them into the trunk as well.
The trunk was overflowing with stuff. Harry tried to shut the lid but it was too full. He then jumped onto it and tried to latch the top. With a frustrated growl he grabbed his wand and was just about to spell the trunk shut when Draco's chuckles caught his attention.
Harry whipped around.
"Oh, you're up," He said. He looked awful. Draco hadn't realized how much he had changed while Draco had been there. His once sickly pale face had bronzed and was golden. The dark circles that were once around his eyes had faded due to the sleep he had been getting. He had been eating and filling out. But at the moment Harry looked worse than ever to Draco.
"What's going on Harry?" Draco asked curiously. Harry looked confused. Draco gestured to the trunk Harry had been packing.
"Oh, uh, I'm just packing." He said.
"Why?" Draco asked raising an eyebrow. School was still seven weeks away.
"Because we're leaving." Harry said simply and turned to work on closing the packed trunk once more. Draco looked shocked.
"What? Why?" He cried. Harry laughed mirthlessly. "Harry, we can't leave. Dumbledore told me that you're safe here. You can't leave."
"Draco, I'm going. Are you coming or not?" He asked with his back still to the blonde. Draco just gaped at him before he composed himself.
"No one is going anywhere until you tell me what is going on. Why are you doing this? Did something happen?" Harry turned sharply to look at the boy.
"Did something happen? DID SOMETHING HAPPEN! Yes something bloody well did happen! You were almost raped! By Dudley! Don't you remember!" He ranted. Draco looked down at his hands.
"Oh that." He said quietly.
"Yeah that," Harry spat bitterly. Draco looked up and saw that the Gryffindor was pacing.
"Harry," He called but Harry ignored him. "Harry." He said firmer causing the other boy to stop. Harry stared at the ground. Draco growled in frustration. "Look at me, dammit," He demanded.
Harry lifted his head and green met grey.
"Harry, I know you feel responsible but you shouldn't. It wasn't your fault. Besides everything is fine. I am ok and nothing happened."
Harry looked at him sadly and sank into a chair beside the bed.
"How can you be so calm? Why aren't you demanding the muggle's blood by now?" Harry questioned. Draco shrugged.
"I want you to be safe and you're safe here. Doesn't matter what your perverted cousin tried to do to me. Doesn't change that fact." He said calmly. Harry sighed.
"You're right. I am safer here, but that's not my concern. My concern is, are you safe here?" He asked. Draco thought about it for a minute.
"I guess the only thing to do is make sure I always have my wand. And maybe not go wandering around alone again." He said. "Besides Dumbledore obviously felt like I was safe here." That last comment did it. Harry nodded and sighed in resignation.
"Ok, we'll stay," He said then looking up at the blonde his features set in determination. "But if anything else happens, we're gone. Ok?" and Draco nodded.
Satisfied Harry leaned back in his chair and sighed.
"Guess you should get dress. We can train some today." Draco nodded again and got out of the bed.
"I got to take a shower first though." He said leaving gathering up a pair of fresh clothes and his wand before heading down the hall to the bathroom. Draco slipped off his clothes gingerly. His body ached from the abuse of yesterday. Not only the training session but the, uh, encounter with Dudley.
He looked at himself in the mirror. He could only see the upper part of his body unless he backed up and then his head would get cut off. His pale white chest was spotted with purple and blue bruises from where he was slammed against the door.
But the most sickening thing to Draco was the reddish brown mark on his collar bone. A hickey. Draco shuddered at the memory of that disgusting mouth on his skin. On his own. He felt so violated. He couldn't stop thinking about what could've happened. His body's aches were nothing compared to his soul's
He quickly grabbed the sink as a wave of nausea hit him. He lurched forward and vomited into the sink. Whipping his mouth, he grabbed his wand and did a quick cleaning spell before getting into the shower.
He closed the curtain and secured it with a charm. He set his wand on the ledge of the little window and turned on the water.
He put both hands onto the smooth tiled surface of the wall of the shower and let the hot water pound on his tense shoulders. The therapeutic power of the swirling steam and jet of hot water seemed to have unleashed something in Draco.
He began to cry. Sobs wracked through his slim frame. He tried to grab a hold of the window ledge to steady himself but only succeeding in knocking his wand to the ground, and the sheer amount of emotional burden caused him to sink to the floor.
He curled himself into a ball and he sobbed and sobbed. His mind and body screamed for a relief he could not obtain with tears. Draco's hand curled around his wand and without a thought he conjured up a small sliver dagger with an emerald snake engraved in the hilt.
He stared at the knife. Just holding it brought an eerie calm from the blonde's distress. He moved it side to side and watched as drops of water dotted the surface than rolled across the razor sharp edge to drip off the point.
Water moves quicker than blood he mused darkly. His heart began to pound with need and his head buzzed with want. It had been six months since the last time he had done this. Since he had figured it all out. But the want and need were as intense as it had been during the height of it all.
Only a small voice told him not to do it. But as Draco became more mesmerized by the blade the voice faded. Without much thought and with the skill of an old habit Draco moved the blade to his leg.
He set the edge lightly against his pale skin and then pushed down. He no longer gasped as he once did at the first sensation of pain shot through his body. It eased the buzzing and pounding.
He slid the knife up his leg leaving a thin line of scarlet behind. He gasped as the blood began to bubble up out of the wound and flowed down his leg. He repeated the motion a few times, alternating between legs, relishing in the sensation of releasing his emotional pain through a physical mean.
He had no other choice. He couldn't talk to Harry about how he was feeling and he didn't know how else to deal other than Avada Kedavra-ing the muggle who did this to him. Draco made the dagger disappear with a wave of his wand. He pulled his knees up to his chest and watched as the water washed away the blood.
As if washing away the pain Draco mused, though that wasn't really the case. The pain dull, yes, but it wasn't gone. It weighed heavily on his heart as did all the other pains of his past did. Not to be forgotten or eased.
The bloodied water swirled around the drain before disappearing into the muggle sewage system. Draco sighed and stood up. His new wounds protested a bit. He quickly washed his hair and body, crying out in pain as the soapy water ran over the opened flesh.
He stepped out of the shower and decided to dry himself off with a quick drying charm rather than with a towel. He knew he had spent more time in the shower than usual and he didn't want Harry to question him. He was in a fragile state and didn't feel up to lying to the boy.
He threw on his clothes, towel-dried his hair and finger-combed it before leaving the bathroom, wand securely in his trouser pocket. He shuffled, bare-footed down the hall to Harry's bedroom.
The room was still when he entered. He looked around and saw Harry passed out on the bed. He lay on his stomach, his legs and arms wide apart and his head turned to the side. Looks like he might've collapsed.
"Poor fellow," he muttered. He dropped his clothes into his trunk and picked up a light blanket and draping it over Harry's prone body. Harry murmured something in his sleep.
"What was that?' Draco whispered and leaned forward placing his ear right by the Gryffindor's lips.
"My hero," Harry breathed. Draco went ridged and stood up. He had no idea what that meant but his overactive mind was spouting tons of theories.
He likes you!
No, he doesn't!
He's dreaming about you!
He's mocking you!
You're his hero
No, you said he's you're hero
The battle inside his head went on and on. Draco shook his head to try and get the thoughts out. He bent down and placed a small kiss on Harry's forehead before straightening up again.
Kiss him on the lips
No don't
No one will know
But you will
How can you not do it?
How can you?
It's romantic
It's creepy. You'll be the creepy kiss-people-while-they-sleep-peacefully-not-dreaming-about-you-to-serve-your-own-delouted-fantisies guy.
Once again Draco shook his head, it was starting to hurt. He had a decision to make. To kiss Harry or not. Both sides were clambering excitedly trying to get Draco to listen to them
It's a perfect opportunity
No the perfect opportunity would be if he were conscious and asking to be kissed by you
Oh pish-posh. Do it, no one will know!
Don't do it! It's weird.
Draco couldn't listen to the voices anymore. In one quick, deft motion Draco swept forward and kissed Harry on the lips. Draco had planned it to be just a quick kiss. A mere brushing of lips.
But apparently Harry had other ideas. As soon as Draco's lips touched Harry's, the raven-haired boy responded. Draco was shocked to say the least. He tried to pull away only to have one of Harry's hands slid to the back of his head and pull him closer. Draco nearly toppled onto the other boy.
The kiss was passionate and heated. When he needed air Draco pulled away and Harry let him. Draco looked down at the other boy. He was still fast asleep.
"Mmm, you taste good." The boy mumbled in his sleep. Draco was confused and shocked. He moved away from the other boy and dropped heavily into a chair. He needed to think.
Why had Harry kissed me like that? Was he dreaming about me?
Maybe he thought you were someone else his self-doubt offered.
No, He was thinking about you! His ego protested.
He was awake and just teasing you
No, he likes you!
He does not! Why would he? You're his enemy. He thinks you're a Death Eater-in-training!
No, he thinks you're his hero!
We've already been over this! He is your hero. Draco, think about it…well, you are thinking about it but what I mean…you mean…whatever, think about how you feel. The pain is gone. The emotional and physical. You were feeling so worn out and hurt still but now it's gone.
But that's because of the…thing. Not Harry. His stubborn ego claimed. Draco rolled his eyes. His ego was all for Harry liking him but he couldn't like Harry. And his self-doubt would admit his feelings but not Harry's.
You know it's more than that. You don't need anyone else Draco. You control your pain and emotions and you help yourself
That's not the only reason. You can't keep trying to do everything by yourself. You need help Draco. Not only that but you want Harry's help.
No! You can't tell him. Can't tell him about what you do- did. He wouldn't understand. He would think you were weird. He doesn't know about your life. About your father.
Because you won't let him know! Draco, you realized six months ago that you were still letting your father control you. By hurting yourself you were playing into his hands. You realized that, and you backpedaled today. But you got to give Harry a chance. You claim to never trust anyone because they never asked; well here is your chance. He's asking! Tell him, let him in. Give. Him. A. Chance! Besides by not speaking about it your father is still controlling you. Forcing you into silence, scaring you.
Well, ok that makes sense. As long as your still in control I am all for it.
Draco was confused. His self-doubt and ego seemed to reverse roles or else he had bipolar therapist taking residence in his head. Either way he had to admit that some of what they said was right.
He felt the weight lift off his heart after the kiss. It had never truly gone away. It had always been there. Ever since his first 'punishment'. But that kiss had done something that no amount of blood, alcohol or sex could. He had forgotten.
Draco could never manage to forget the horrors of his past, no matter how hard he tried. And some of the things, actually just one thing he wouldn't let himself forget. But that kiss had given him peace of mind, even if it had only lasted a second.
Draco wasn't sure he understood what his mind was telling him, he wasn't sure of what was going on with him and he sure as hell wasn't sure what Harry was think/feeling. But he was sure of one thing.
He wanted to kiss Harry again and again and again. It had been amazing, soft, passionate, incredible, and addictive. He wanted to taste that peace again, taste the comfort again, and taste Harry again.
But he was also sure that he wouldn't do that again. He wouldn't steal kisses from Harry. He wanted to be given them. He wanted Harry to want him, and until he was sure of that he was going to keep his lips to himself.
He was confused and a bit scared. He doubted Harry would ever love him and he couldn't bear to confess just to be rejected. No, Harry would never know. Draco would see to that.
Idiot His ego hissed at the same time as his Self-doubt cried Idiot
"Oh, shut up," He mumbled before his emotional and physical exhaustion took over and he fell asleep.
(A/n: you guys, you guys, and I am going to give a shout-out to all my reviewers THANKS GUYS! You make me feel soo loved. I have to say that a good deal of my future chapters is going to have warnings. As I think you've gathered from chapter 7 and this one, SI is an issue Draco struggles with and it will be mentioned quite a bit.
I am writing these chapters as fast as I can. I have no idea when this story will stop. I set out writing a chapter about one thing and end up with something different. I have been trying to write chapter nine into these last two chapters but it just doesn't fit.)