Title: If I Could Turn Back Time (4?)
Author: Cheryl A
Rating: Teen
Genre: Angst/Romance (A/U)
Notes: This is different from other stories, I was inspired by a movie I saw on TV awhile back, called "If Only" so this shares some loose similarities. The story is set right after the re-election in the fourth season, then goes off from canon there.
Premise: What if the unthinkable happened and Josh loses the only person he truly loved before he got a chance to express his feelings? What if he was given an opportunity to turn back the clock for twenty four hours? Can he save the woman he loses from her tragic fate and salvage any chance for happiness before time runs out?
Feedback: ; I love it and enjoy hearing what others think of my story
Special Thanks to my beta Elizabeth who has helped me so much with this story!
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Flashback: 7 months prior: The Morning After
Josh groaned as he awoke to the rays of sunlight permeating through his window shades and unwelcomingly entered into his bedroom.
'Wow daylight' he thought to himself as he couldn't remember the last time the sun had beaten him in rising. He looked over at the alarm clock, and saw it was already 10:30am, which meant he had almost gotten a full eight hour sleep, a feat that he hadn't accomplished since he started his career in politics.
He was amazed at how completely relaxed he still felt, perhaps if he felt like this more often he'd still have more hair left on his head. He was reminded of the reason of his tranquil state as he felt a warm body snuggle up to him, and place her blonde head comfortably on his chest. Josh smiled as he placed a soft kiss on the top of her head as he wrapped his arms around her lovingly. 'If only it could be like this forever' he thought as he pictured a life growing old with Donna.
His daydream was cut short as he was interrupted by the ringing sound of a phone. Without even looking up or breaking his embrace with Donna, he carefully reached over to the nightstand to silence the ringing before it awoke Donna.
"Hello" he mumbled into the receiver.
"Josh is that you?" CJ asked curiously
"Yeah… who else would it be? C.J. Aren't we taking a weekend off?"
"Yes we are… and I was expecting it to be Donna, considering you are answering her phone!" CJ exclaimed as she woke Josh into the realization of the situation he had put himself in.
He looked down at the phone and upon further examination he noticed it was Donna's, she must have changed her ring-tone recently to match his.
Donna stirred in bed, as she mumbled, "Who is it, tell them to go away."
Hoping that CJ didn't hear that Josh pulled the phone away from his mouth as he quietly put his finger to his mouth and tried to silence Donna who continued to mumble in her sleep. Not wanting to take any further chances he slipped out of bed and moved into the living room white still covered in the spaghetti mess. .
"JOSHUA LYMAN… Was that a woman's voice I just heard? What the hell is going on…?" CJ asked impatiently.
Scrambling for an excuse, "Umm… Nothing at all CJ" Josh stuttered hoping that she would believe him.
"As much as I love both you and Donna, I don't need a morning press frenzy over the newest D.C sex scandal involving one of the President's closest advisors and his pretty blonde assistant just two weeks from Election Day." CJ stated hoping that she was wrong.
"No CJ it's nothing like that. I promise you." Josh said as he lied through his teeth
"I don't care if you are sleeping with Amy again but I feel I need to remind you Josh that we just got past the M.S debacle and we can't afford another situation with re-election right around the corner. It's not fair to the President, it's not fair to Leo and it's certainly not fair to Donna who deserves more than have her name and character dragged through the mud by the press. You are smarter than that I hope." CJ coldly stated hoping she wasn't being too harsh.
"I get it CJ!" Josh snapped as the full weight of his actions last night came crashing down and resonated in his mind. It was true how could be he so stupid? He had been so careful for so long in regards to his feelings towards Donna. He would be close to her, but not too close, love her, but not admit to being in-love with her. This is the problem that he had been desperately trying to avoid for years, the reason why he and Donna never had "the talk." Because there was no possible way he could be in a relationship with Donna so long as they both worked at the White House and they served at the pleasure of the President.
CJ was right and Donna deserved more than to be on the blunt end of a political scandal that would rob her of any future opportunities of a career in D.C. She had so much promise and it would be selfish of him to jeopardize their respective futures on a chance that could ultimately end in heartbreak. After all what was his alternative? They could continue to see each other in secret, a few stolen kisses here and there on occasion, and wait until Bartlett steps down from office four years later to announce their relationship, but was that option truly fair to her?
She deserved somebody better than him, somebody that could love her the way she should be loved and could commit to her fully and not have to hide the way they really felt about her. He was damaged, he had so many unresolved issues in his life which he was still seeing Stanley to work through. Nightmares about Roslyn still continued to haunt him, what if he hurts her doing one of his post-traumatic episodes? He would never forgive himself if he did that and after that Christmas at the hospital where he watched her cry as the doctors stitched-up his self-inflicted wound closed he swore to himself that he never wanted to put her through that pain again. He had made a terrible mistake last night and he had to fix it.
"Alright" CJ said softly wondering if she had over-stepped her bounds.
"If you must know, Donna left her phone in the office yesterday and I put it on my nightstand in case she called looking for it. It was early and I didn't realize I answered the wrong phone. Are you happy now CJ? Is your inquisition over yet?" Josh replied hoping to end further discussion of the subject.
She nodded into her phone, "I'm sorry Josh, the Press Secretary in me just kind of took over and I panicked when you answered Donna's phone on our weekend off, which you have to admit looked awfully suspicious. You have to believe I only have the Administration's best interests at heart and I care about both of you and don't want to see either of you get hurt."
"Well thanks CJ, but do you honesty think I would that stupid to jeopardize our entire re-election campaign by sleeping with Donna?"
CJ paused, she was not blind and like everybody else she could tell that the relationship between Josh and Donna was anything but platonic and went far beyond a normal boss/assistant relationship. She had no doubt in her mind that should the opportunity present itself to Josh, the political ramifications of his actions would be the furthest thought from his mind. She wasn't against having two of her closest friends finding happiness but if they could refrain until at least after the re-election campaign it would make her life as Press Secretary a hell of a lot easier.
"Of course not Josh" she finally answered. "If Donna calls, please tell her we are going gown shopping for the Truman Gala this afternoon and she is welcome to join us."
Josh hung up the phone and returned to the bedroom where Donna was still fast asleep, he was sure this was the first time in a long while she's had a decent nights rest as well. Knowing the inevitable situation he was going to have to face soon, he wanted to savor the last few moments of happiness he had before he had to throw it all away in service to his county and the administration.
He crawled back in bed and just like magnets Donna body's seemed to be cosmically drawn to his as she turned and draped her arm across his chest and gently laid her head on his shoulder. Josh slowly ran his fingers through her soft blonde hair, careful not to hurt her by avoiding the tangles she'd developed from their love-making session last night. As she lay naked beside him he thought to himself how stunning she looked and how he couldn't picture a more beautiful creature.
As he held her so peacefully in his arms he was almost tempted to throw out everything he was planning earlier. Maybe Donna and he just could move to Paris where nobody knows or cares who they are or who they worked for and they could be just a normal couple for once. But as much as that idea intrigued him he knew it was not realistic, their leaving together would cause just as much chaos as if they stayed in D.C.
Knowing she was deep asleep, he placed a final kiss on the top of her head and whispered, "I love you Donna, I hope one day you can understand and forgive me."
Donna stirred slightly and mumbled something in reply that Josh could swore was an "I love you too" but maybe that was just wishful thinking on his part.
If he could have one wish it would be to freeze this moment in time as he would gladly re-live the events of the past twenty four hours over and over again for the rest of his life with no problem or complaints. But he knew life doesn't work that way after all he had learned this the hard way. No amount of wishing as a child would bring his sister back, or have his dad survive his surgery, or even stop the shooter from firing at them in Rosylyn. Life was tough and Josh had to accept how things are, no man has the power to change fate.
He slipped himself from Donna's loving embrace and hopped in the shower knowing that when he got out he was going to have the most difficult conversation of his life.