I was burning, an all-encompassing burning and yet I never wanted it to end. I used to think that he was the sun and I was merely a moth to the flame, but I now know that it was us, a chain reaction that occurred when we aligned just right. We were burning and I prayed to whoever was listening that the fire would never die out.
BPOV
He left, he actually left me. A month had passed since he left me. I felt numb and so cold all at once, a complete contradiction to myself which I didn't have the capacity to understand.
I had been awake for hours already and the day had barely started. In truth, I had hardly slept at all. I would like to say that nightmares plague me, but all that was left was emptiness and a blank expanse that seems neverending. And so here I am staring at my ceiling contemplating, whether or not I should move.
"Bella, you awake", in the isolation of my own mind, I failed to hear Charlie moving around the house. Like clockwork, I hear the quiet raps on my bedroom door. Well, might as well give him a response.
"Yeah, dad" I can't muster much more conversation than those two words.
And as if it has become a routine, he gently opens the door to peer in to see if I am actually awake.
Turning and mustering the best semblance of a smile I can, I smile at Charlie.
"Hey Kiddo, I was thinking of heading down to the Rez today, think you might be up for it?" He frames it like I have much of a choice… That's one thing I can't fault Charlie for in the last month – his unwavering patience. He gave me space to mourn the loss of my first real boyfriend but he was so much more than that, not that Charlie knows that particular truth.
I have gotten lost in thought… again, he pushes on
"Bells, I know you have been struggling but a day at the Rez might a good change of scenery kid" he is looking at me with such an earnest need to help, how can I say no. And the idea of finding something that will chase away the cold for a while sounds beyond addicting.
Well, fuck it, "what time do we leave" the reaction on his face just made my decision beyond worth it, it's like a look of shock and pride all mixed into one.
"Well okay then, ah, how.. how about once you've showered and had some breakfast we go?" Charlie almost struggles to get the words out, probably afraid I will change my mind before he finishes his sentence.
"Is that your way of telling me I smell?" come on Charlie take the joke
Bingo. There is that Charlie smile, the smile that has been missing for the last month all because I have been so lost in my own misery.
"Alright well if you just move out of my doorway I can start to decontaminate myself" I give a small hand gesture of 'well you going to move' to get my point across.
"Right, right, well I will just be downstairs" and with another moustache quirk, he descends the stairs.
The bathroom… the mirror… Looking at myself for what seems the first time in forever, I can see the empty look in my own eyes, where did I go? I am still in there? The bags under my eyes a physical representation of my lack of sleep, looking down at the sink I shudder a few deep breathes, 1…2…3…You can do this. Looking up again, looking beyond the darkness, I see a small sliver of the girl before him the girl who had other hopes and wants and dreams.
Turning on the shower, stepping into the hot water is cathartic, it takes a minute or two but I start to feel the chill seep out of my bones. If only I could find a way to emulate that heat outside of the shower. Now that's a thought.
After showering I try to make an effort. Dry my hair put on some clean clothes, jeans and a sweater – it's a deep rust colour, Mom got it for me before I left the colour a reminder of Arizona and the sun. Finally feeling somewhat warmer and ready to face the world I go down to get something to eat.
"Lookin' good Bells" Charlie makes me blush, and the warmth in my cheeks gives me hope.
"Let me just grab toast and then we can be off" I start on the toast getting out the peanut butter.
Not ten minutes later we are pulling out of the driveway, heading down to La Push – The Rez.
With Charlie driving I can focus on the surrounding forest that surrounds Forks and the drive down to La Push.
Today all the deep greens of the forest seem richer, either my lack of sleep has finally made me go off the deep end, or the haze that settled over me when he left is finally starting to lift.
The radio is playing a soft tune, Charlie turned it on when we got in, up till now I had been playing it very little mind. That is until we pass the border into La push and 'Here comes the sun' starts to play.
I look over to Charlie to find him already slyly glancing at me.
Looking back at the road he says "You got this kiddo"
That's the thing about Charlie and me, we never needed many words to convey what we wanted to say. And at this moment right here and now I feel like coming to La Push today is the best decision I have made in a long time.