Disclaimer: Characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and Grey's anatomy. I keep borrowing them just to have fun writing stories.

Chapter 4: "Our memories are graves in which all our secrets are locked up."

The next morning when Callie looked through the window of Arizona's hospital room, the blonde was perfectly awake, her face was serious, much less relaxed and perky than the day before. The Latina had too often seen this air not to recognize it. It was the same look that had led her to lie down in the bed of her dead best friend for months, while her wife refused to lay eyes upon her, or if she did, it was to pour on her all the rage and hatred that had long inhabited her.

"Here we are, again" whispers Callie for herself, "The leg". As every time she came back to apartment 501 in those days, the Latin woman rediscovered the ritual. She closes her eyelids, takes a deep breath, opens her eyes again and finds the courage to push the door.

- Good morning, Dr Robbins, did you sleep well?

The blonde doesn't answer, her eyes were staring at the blankets that fell on the mattress in place of her missing limb.
Her mind parasitized by images that came back to her memory, Callie's blood freeze.
"It's not a decision that I should be make for you! Say it because it was perfect! Say it again! It's not a decision I should make for you, as opposed to hacking off a limb that's the kind of decision that I should make for you". "I'm sitting in a pool of my own urine; I can't even pee by myself and you did it! Get out of me! Get out of me!" "I trusted you more than anything more than anyone in my life and you decided to cut it off!..."
The Latina wasn't sure she could handle it again. Feeling her weak knees, she sits down and closes her eyes, trying to calm her raging breath. Arizona's soft voice makes her open the eyes.

- Shouldn't we have a conversation, Dr Torres?

Callie looks up timidly. Arizona's face was serene. Grave but peaceful. No expression of hatred or anger that had been the only thing the Latina had seen for months after the amputation, appeared in the blonde's eyes

- I... I guess we should, Dr Robbins... Without leaving her eyes on the orthopedist, tilting her head, Arizona leans a little towards the Latin woman. Seeming to read her discomfort, she gave her this look of implicit tenderness which had often soothed Callie in another life, but which right now, bringing up in her mind too many sensitive memories, twisted her guts ... Before... before you ask me any questions I suppose; let me give you an update, and then I'll answer as many questions as I can.

- Okay, Dr Torres

Having spent much of the night preparing a well-oiled speech in anticipation of this moment, Callie sat on the edge of the bed. Without thinking about it, she takes Arizona's hand in hers.

Stunned by the emotion visible on the Latina's face, the blonde smiled at the unprofessional gesture. She definitely felt that this orthopedic surgeon had an unconventional way of taking care of her patients, but it was surprisingly comforting. She didn't know what she was going to hear, but so far, she felt at ease.

- Okay... so, apparently you fell off a stepladder... and you lost consciousness. You were brought here in a coma and you woke up yesterday afternoon, after three days of sleep.

- Okay... The blonde's mind was very focused, apparently, she was processing. Frowning, pretending to misunderstand, Arizona who had had time to see that the amputation of her leg was not recent exclaims concealing a smile ... And you had to cut off my leg?! ...

- No! No Arizona, let me finish

The natural and familiar way her first name had just come out of the orthopedic surgeon's mouth, increased the disorder of the blonde who was to force her eyes to land elsewhere than, on the wonderfully drawn lips of the woman in front of her

- So, when we found you... Resumes Callie nervously... You were unconscious, and when you woke up, part of your memory was gone, but it's okay with your scanner, and...

- Uh... what do you mean?

- It's a known problem called "dissociative traumatic retrograde amnesia...

- "Transient from emotional origin". I know... uh… Doctor... uh...you know, this professor from London wrote about it

- Koperman. Callie says a smirk of admiration on her lips.

The Latina was not surprised, obviously her ex-wife was aware of this study. Arizona had a curious mind, she inquired about everything, it made her a brilliant doctor whom the Latina had always envied.

- Yes, that's right! Exclaims the blonde. I forgot his name. Arizona chuckles like a child. Well, from what you're saying, I would not have just forgotten that, but well, as the name suggests, it's transitory and so my memory will come back? There are only few cases where memory loss is permanent... The blue eyes darken... but I'm certainly not gonna be one of them, right?

The blonde wondered, why she was even asking an orthopedic surgeon this question and how would Dr Torres know about it? Yet she felt the need to do so, she had the strange impression that she could trust this woman with a such reassuring smile whom she knew nothing about

- Probably not. Callie puts her hand on her ex-wife's arm speaking in a sweet voice... Arizona you should know today, it's April 12th 2017

The blonde bursts of laughter.

- Very funny Dr Torres... Last time I checked, I had an appointment here with the Chief Webber in order to head up the pediatric ward, on September 22nd, 2007! So, unless I'm the Sleeping Beauty waiting for her princess charming to kiss and wake her up since ten years... The blonde runs her fingers over her lips laughing... but I don't remember being kissed. Has anyone kissed me, Dr Torres? You, who seem to be keeping an eye on my sleep, you should know that? Are you my princess charming? Or maybe Dr Shepherd is?

Blushing, and hoping only that her ex-wife had been deeply asleep when she laid a kiss on her forehead, the Latina shook her head repressing a laugh at her ex-wife's banters. She hadn't seen this version of Arizona always playing on the border between charm and flirtation, since February 23rd, 2012, the day before when a plane had fallen from the sky taking away her daughter's father, her wife's leg and her whole life.

- No, I don't think someone kissed you. Not with me around, anyway. Seriously, Dr Robbins, I know this is hard to believe and how disturbing it can be, but you must trust me, today is really April 12th, 2017, and you've been working in this hospital for almost ten years.

The seriousness with which the Latina in front of her was talking, suggested to Arizona that no one was joking at the moment. Suddenly, the blonde had no heart for laughter anymore

- So, my brother's been dead for eleven years?... With eyes lost in the distance, the blonde wasn't really asking the question... What about my parents? I used to phone my parents almost daily ... Oh my God, are my parents?...

Devastated, Arizona sounded like she was talking to herself. As a sob came out of her throat, the blue eyes filled with tears.
Like a familiar impulse, irremediably inscribed with indelible ink in her brain, Callie gets closer and hugs her.

- Hey, hey…Relax, calm down. Your parents are fine, we briefed them and everything is fine

- But they're not here. And you said it's been three days... Why…Why didn't my mom jump on the first plane? Oh that... that doesn't sound like her. Sobbed the blonde.

The Latin woman affectionately ran her hand on the blonde's back, speaking in a soft voice to tranquilize her.

- We asked her not to. Arizona, can you imagine what it would be like for a mother?

Arizona seemed upset, but nodded between two sobs to admit it. Realizing the professionally and even socially inappropriate proximity between two supposed strangers, Callie recovers the physician's attitude towards her patient.

The feeling of lack in the loss of warm contact, left the impression to the blonde that things with this doctor were strangely too intimate and pleasingly comforting, but the latest revelations made her too confused to be able to analyze what she really felt.

- Dr Robbins, I know this is a lot, but can you focus a little more and listen to me? If you have read Koperman's publications, you know that to have a perfect recovery, the patient must recover the memories alone and at his own pace. The Latin grimaces... And sometimes that can be a bit difficult. We can't ask your parents for this. Your parents will want to spare you, and we couldn't ask them not to answer your questions. That's why they were advised not to come for the moment, but we keep them informed of the changes in your condition. All right?

The blonde appeared satisfied with this explanation. This indeed seemed to make sense to her, and her parents had already gone through hell with the loss of their son. This still recent and vivid pain in her personal chronology, tended to convince Arizona that it was useless to worry them more.

- Okay, Dr Robbins? Insists Callie, to get her ex-wife out of the thoughts in which she suddenly seemed to have strayed

- Okay. Sorry, I think I just panicked. I lost my brother last year... Confused, taking a deep breath, Arizona furrows her eyebrows... Uh no... eleven years ago actually... so... uh ... No matter the years... I'm always afraid that something bad will happen to my loved ones. Sighing, the blonde shakes her head sadly… Life takes us back so quickly what it has given us...

Attempting to swallow the lump of guilt that had formed in her throat, Callie closes her eyelids. Even when things were going well between them, she didn't remember Arizona never really telling her how she felt about her brother's death. The blonde had always shown the face of a cheerful, talkative and playful person, but when it came to her emotions, she locked everything deep inside her, and very rarely shared her feelings.
Callie knew that her ex-wife was enduring the profound wound of the loss of a beloved brother, but these words proved that visibly at a very young age, she was terrified, and already cruelly aware of what her existence would be; a long list of things that life would give her then take from her back. A brother, love, one leg, her family and her daughter. And Callie felt responsible for some of this.

- Arizona, your parents are fine. And if you want, you can call them in a few days. Okay? Arizona was nodding... As far as I'm concerned and as much as I really would like to answer all your questions, I won't be able to either. It could create another shock, which could worsen things... But if you will, we'll try to take things one by one. Maybe trying to remember how to walk with a prosthesis, and all these things that you've had to relearn will certainly help you regain former sensations and maybe memories. I read that sometimes a taste, a music, a perfume could be the trigger.

Even though she had retreated a little, Callie was still standing by the blonde's headboard, speaking to her with conviction and empathy as she always did with all the patients, but here her feelings clearly outweighed her professional involvement, the Latina felt overwhelmed by the emotions that she was struggling to keep at a distance.

- Well, Dr Torres, I really like your perfume, but as much as I've tried to concentrate, it doesn't seem to trigger any flashes. Embarrassed, Callie smiled. For the seven years that their relationship had lasted, it was always Arizona who offered her the perfume she used. Trying by all means to get away from her own past, she had changed it by leaving Seattle. Does that mean I can't know how I lost my leg? Continues Arizona unaware of the disorder these words were evoking for the orthopedic surgeon... Or if, I've become an excellent pediatric surgeon. Or if, I don't know... The blonde lowers her voice making a mischievous face.... If I'm involved with a beautiful woman? ... Although if I was, she should be at my bedside instead of you... so... Arizona grins... I'm afraid I have the answer to that question. Really no questions about my past? But do you even know anything about my past, Dr Torres?

- Some things... Answers the brunette with a barely audible voice.

Seeking to look confident and concealing her embarrassment, Callie was uselessly checking the laying woman's shoulder who through the seemingly futile chatter was gleaning information.

- Oh, we were friends then?

- In a way... I... I think it's fair to say that...

- I think we were friends... You called me Arizona Uh…It means that we're friends, right?... I immediately felt a familiar closeness. And about the letter C. beside your name on your medical coat, what would it be? The blonde was blinking, seeming to indulge in a guessing game... Celimene - Castafiore... Uh… Wait! I got it! Cassiopeia!... Shouts Arizona, laughing frankly

- Almost! The Latin giggles. She couldn't help but love the way this conversation was going, it was the most fun she had experienced with Arizona since quite a while…Calliope. My name is Calliope, but everyone calls me Callie.

In the head of the Latin a silent speech resounded." Everyone except you. You used to call me Calliope when you got emotional, or when you snuggled up against me or when your eyes lit up with that spark that said how much you wanted me. It was always full of love. And then one day you stopped saying it."

- Calliope is a pretty name. I like that. Calliope. Calliope. Was rehearsing the dreamy blonde

- You have always loved it...You even ended up making me love it to me who hated it.

- Yeah... I guess in the playground, Calliope's no easier than Arizona.

- But you were always proud to be named after the USS Arizona, and you're a military daughter who learned to fight, so in the playground...

- Oh, you know about that too? So, Calliope, it sounds like you know all about my life.. And... Taking a pout falsely disappointed, the blonde shrugs a shoulder ... I find it unfair not to know anything about yours, I feel like...uh... You know, kind of at a disadvantage for a fresh start in our new relationship.

- You…you can't ask me about your past, but you can ask me what you want to know about me, if that helps.

No sooner the words left her mouth, Callie bites her bottom lip, already regretting them. Their lives were so intertwined that she was going to be trapped in the blonde's questions, even more than she felt right now. She was so overwhelmed by Arizona's words and attitude that the brunette was pretty lost.

- Really? All right... so Calliope are you the orthopedic surgeon who amputated my leg?

The body of the Latina freezes, she didn't expect to pass in such a brutal way, from a harmless and pleasant conversation to the big elephant inside the porcelain store. Disconcerted, she looks away, exhaling between her tight lips the anguish she had been holding back since she had entered the room. She answers with her head down, unable to stand the look of her ex-wife.

- No, I didn't cut it off. But... but... I'm the one who did not save it.

The ortho surgeon's eyes were staring at the missing part on the blankets of Arizona's bed

- And how long has it been since you have been able to save it? Because we must agree on this immediately; you said yourself yesterday that you were one of the best and I tend to believe you, if you could have done it, you would have done it

- Arizona...

- It's not about me, it's about you, here! I'm just interested in your work... Defends the blonde against the orthopedic surgeon's reluctance to carry on this conversation... So... How long?

- Barely five years ...

- Waouh! Five years! And you still make that face when you talk about it!... I think, Dr. Torres that for your own good ; you should take a step back from your work. You seem to be a little too involved. The Latina raises her head timidly and crosses the blonde's gaze. It sent back to her, the indulgence and understanding that it had often seen until life had put on their way this insurmountable obstacle ... We can't just fix everything every time, Calliope. Sometimes nature is stronger than science and we can't win. Or not yet. We can only hope that it will happen sometime. In pediatrics some days are heroic. You know, with tiny humans, everything is harder, and more moving; and it's not because you're insensitive, but you must turn your back on pain and failure; to focus on another child who needs you. The blonde puts a compassionate hand on the Latina's arm... Calliope, if you could have saved my leg you would have done it. I get it. Okay? … So, please put that beautiful smile on your face again.

Upset, Callie stands up, she was unable to cope with those words. This understanding and benevolence that she had so much hoped for, came five years too late, when so much irreversible damage had been done, unforgettable words had been uttered, irrevocable acts had been committed. Even the way the blonde said her name hurt her.

Unaware of the brunette's malaise, Arizona changes topics by laughing.

- Let's talk about this prosthesis so I can stand up soon, because to tell you the truth I would like to go pee, and I hate the bedpan.

- You can't get out of bed yet. Your ribs will make you cry out of pain.

- I'm sure I can do it with a little help. Oh wait, I'm sorry about that. The blonde's cheeks suddenly turned pink…I've already used up enough of your good will. I think, I felt comfortable with you and you know I... I didn't realize... I'm gonna call a nurse, it's not the job of one of the best orthopedic surgeons in... uh...This hospital? The country? The Woooorld!? Making fun of the Latina to disguise her embarrassment, the blonde laughed... You ... You probably have better things to do. I'll try with this… Arizona shows the wheelchair that was in a corner of the room

- No, no, I don't mind, let me help you. Taking advantage of Arizona's jokes the Latin was trying to pull herself together ... It will be said that it is the work of the best surgeon in the Woooorld, who does not take enough distance and is too involved with her patients.

- But who's going to try to do it, and stop looking at me like if I was a poor thing.

- I'm not...

- Come on, Calliope, let's go. Please... Interrupts the blonde with laughter... I can't wait no more and I don't think I still know you well enough, to pee in front of you in the middle of this room. Arizona roars with laughter

Stunned by the blonde's reactions, Callie cannot repress a chuckle, everything suddenly seemed so easy. She grabs Arizona in her arms, like she had already been led to do and take her to the bathroom. The blonde laughed wholeheartedly, the embarrassment she had always felt when this situation occurred seemed to have never existed.

- I'll be at the door, call on me for the ride back. Says Callie closing the bathroom door, after dropping off the blonde next to the toilet.

- Oh my God, Calliope!...

Frightened by the scream coming from the bathroom, Callie pushes the door without even wondering in what situation she would find Arizona.

- What? What's going on?

The blonde was standing by the washbasin facing the mirror ...

- No doubt, years are passed on me... I …I've changed so much... it's... it's awful ... I'm... I'm almost old. Arizona was whining. Look I got a wrinkle here…And here too

- Are you kidding? You're still as beautiful, maybe even more so. Time has had no hold on you.

- Oh, thank you, that's so sweet Dr. Torres... But you're a terrible liar. Wiggling, the blonde was doing an elegant pee dance… Come on let me pee now.

A short while later, the Latin woman was laughing again, hearing her ex-wife call her..

- Hep Taxi!

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