It's far too early for me to be awake, but after the impromptu meeting last night, I had a difficult time sleeping at all. Natsu helped, but between my brain not wanting to shut off and nightmares plaguing me when it did, I decided to just get up and go for a run. I haven't run the grounds since before I graduated high school, and I always did love seeing everything come to life as the sun rose over my father's estate. Though, I guess it's mine now.
In an effort to not wake my cuddle buddy, I slip into my closet to throw on some leggings, a sports bra, and the zippered hoodie I commandeered from Natsu. A surprised yelp leaves me as I was working on zipping the hoodie, since I was not expecting arms to wrap around my waist and pull me against a wall of muscle. Not that I mind Natsu's arms around me, but I'm going to have a heart attack one of these days.
"What're ya doin' outta bed? 'S too early." His words are slurred from sleep as he rests his chin on my shoulder and holds me close.
"I'm just going for a run," I tell him, reaching a hand behind me to graze his scalp. "It's a little after four; go back to sleep."
"Is Loke going with you?"
"No, this is hours before we usually run. It would be rude to wake him."
"But it's okay for you to wake me?" For once, I feel a little sad hearing Natsu's playful tone. I really didn't mean to disturb his sleep, and now he's actually awake instead of just groggy. Natsu must have seen my frown reflecting back at us. "You know I'm joking, right? I don't really mind you waking me up."
"I know," I sighed, leaning into his warmth for a moment before pulling away to grab my socks and sneakers.
"Want some company when you head out? I could probably use a run to work off last night's dinner." He looked at himself in the mirror, sticking his stomach out and patting it a few times.
"Sure," I answered, shaking my head and giggling softly at his ridiculousness.
Within minutes, we were stepping from the kitchen door into the back gardens. A wave of nostalgia laps gently at my mind as I remember the first time I met Natsu, the first boy to look at me as something more than a dollar sign, my first crush. And with the way things are going, my first love, as well. Part of me wonders if the affection I have for him is merely superficial; do I only feel this way because he's been so helpful and comforting? Is it just because…
"You alright, Lucy?" Natsu broke through my train of thought, and I realized I've just been standing next to the door for however long, making him wait while I sort through the chaos in my mind.
"Yeah, I'm fine, sorry. Just got a little lost in thought remembering the last time we were out here." I stepped away from the door and led him through the garden gate where we would start our run. "How far are you willing to go today?"
"As far as you want; I've got pretty good stamina, so I can go for however long you want to."
I laughed at his suggestive comment and he gave me a grin while I latched the gate behind us. Snow crunched under our feet as we started at a slow pace to warm up. I've been averaging five miles on mornings I run with Loke, so it will be interesting to see if Natsu can actually keep up with me. We hit the half-mile point and I picked up speed, choosing to go a little slower than I usually would due to how slick the path is. Natsu keeps up with little effort, but it's not like I'm going to sprint across snow and ice.
Even though it is still long before sunrise, our path is brightly lit by the moon reflecting off the snow-covered grounds as we make our way in a loop around the estate. The entire experience felt a little surreal; with Loke and Taurus, they were always keeping conversation, filling every gap with pointers on my posture or how to improve my stride length or whatever inane thing they were thinking at the moment. This run with Natsu, however, was bathed in comfortable silence. I don't know if he was stuck inside his head like I was, but he seemed to know that I didn't want to talk; I was still trying to clear my head and contemplate everything Ghost had told us the night before.
"There is no prison option anymore," Ghost told me, closely watching my reaction.
"What do you mean? Won't PLG have to stop operations if Jose and Bora are behind bars?" Surely with the head of the organization and his son imprisoned, they would have to shut down.
"They can still find a way to run things from the inside; people like that always do. But no one can run an organization from the grave. When those two are permanently out of the way, we will be able to dismantle the rest of their operation without too many issues." Ghost kept his voice level as he spoke of murdering two people, as if this were an everyday occurrence. "It's not too late for you to back out; let others handle it. But if you don't, I need you to understand that your involvement and your actions in this are going to contribute to the deaths of both of them. And you're going to have to be okay with it, and live the rest of your life knowing that you're part of the reason they're dead."
I pulled my lower lip between my teeth as I thought about his words. Natsu had told me that it was my decision what happened to Bora, but that was before we really knew the entirety of the situation. I'm still not convinced I know everything. And the new thing at the top of the list of what I don't know is whether or not I'm okay with my role in all this. Looking towards Natsu, I see him just shake his head.
"I can't make that decision for you, Lucy. It's not my place to tell you what to think or to feel, just like it's not my place to dictate your actions." He leaned his head over to rest against mine and whispered the rest that he had to say. "No matter what your choice, know that I'll support you in it, and if you'd rather not be involved, I will still keep my promise."
Long moments were spent contemplating what both men had said before I looked to Ghost again.
"I honestly don't know if I'll be okay, but I understand why it will have to happen." I took a shaky breath before I continued. "I still want to help, though."
I know I've been told countless times that the deaths of my former bodyguards are not my fault, but that does nothing to stop the guilt I feel when I think about them. So would it really weigh any heavier on my mind to add the deaths of two people who actually deserve what's coming?
"Earthland to Lucy." Natsu's hand waved so close to my face that I jumped backwards in surprise. "Why'd you stop?"
Looking ahead, I see his footprints go a short distance ahead before coming back to me. The first signs of dawn are on the horizon, and I know we've already gone over the five miles I wanted to run today; with where we are on the property, I'd guess we have at least two miles back to the house.
"Just lost in thought, I guess." I rubbed my left arm, avoiding eye contact with Natsu as I spoke.
"Did I…?"
"No!" I interrupted him before he could even ask. "It…it's not you. At all. I just…I don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore. This whole thing is so much bigger than I thought it would be, and I'm scared that I'll do something wrong and screw everything up. And I'm not really okay with having more deaths on my conscience, but with who it is, I think I might be at least a little okay with it. So, does that make me a bad person? Would it make me a worse person if I wasn't alright with it? I mean, they're steaming piles of shit as humans, but they're still humans…right?"
I stopped my spewing of words long enough to take a deep breath, but not long enough for Natsu to even try to speak.
"And us," I continued. "I have no clue what we're doing. I mean, I trusted you when it made zero fucking sense to do so. I had no clue who the hell you were, and even if I did, that would've just made you that guy I had a crush on practically a lifetime ago. But now we kiss, and we hold hands, and you sleep in my bed, and I can feel myself falling in love with you, but I have no fucking clue what you feel about me, or if this is going anywhere, or what I want it to go if it's... Like, are we dating? Are we just fucking around? Are you even really attracted to me, or is this just because you feel obligated because of what happened to me, or remnants of attraction to the girl you asked out that same lifetime ago? I really have no fu-"
My words were cut off by Natsu's hand over my mouth. He looked more than a little overwhelmed by everything I'd said, and possibly more than a little shocked. Oh fuck… did I really just tell him that I'm falling in love with him? I hope this doesn't end badly; it would be just my luck to scare him off.
"Is it possible for me to get in a few words before you continue?" His words are soft. I looked at him wide-eyed and nodded; he didn't make a move to remove his hand from my mouth, and I didn't fight him on it. "I'm going to do this in order, so please bear with me, okay?"
I gave him another nod and tried to slow my breathing to match his.
"First, you're not a bad person for being alright with two very bad men dying. Both are responsible for a lot of suffering - more than can truly be measured at this point. And you would still not be a bad person if you were not okay with them dying, because you are full of compassion - even for those who some of us feel are undeserving. They are still human, yes, but this world will be a better place without them in it." Natsu's voice was unwavering as he spoke, and I can feel in my heart that what he said is the truth.
"As for what we're doing. I can't give you any sort of answer you're looking for, because I don't know." He sighed and pulled his hand away from my mouth, only to wrap his arms around me instead. "We were just kids when we met, but I knew you were special when I first saw you, and it had nothing to do with how beautiful you were that night. I walked into that ballroom fully expecting to be bored out of my mind, but instead I see you looking uncomfortable and trying to distance yourself from the entitled prick dancing with you. Got it into my head to swoop in and save you, but didn't get the chance because you saved yourself before I could take a step in your direction."
He let out a breath of a laugh at his own words, then placed a gentle kiss against my hair.
"I watched you do it time and again. The only reason I stepped in when I did was because I wanted to meet you, and didn't think I would get a chance otherwise… well, that, and you looked like you could use a break. Never in my life was I so nervous to be alone with a woman, and all we did was talk. That wasn't something I was used to since… well… I didn't really have a great reputation in high school."
"Cana may have mentioned something to that effect when we had brunch the morning after Levy and Gajeel's wedding."
"Fucking great," Natsu swore and slid his fingers through his hair. "After your party, I couldn't keep my mind off of you. And after the almost-engagement, I often wondered how you were, what you were up to, if you were alright. But I never reached out, because I thought that the silence from you was answer enough - either you weren't ready, or weren't interested. I tried dating a little in college, but every time I just ended up comparing her to you, and no one ever measured up. Until one day, someone did."
My heart sank at his words. We discussed relationships months ago and Natsu assured me he was single, which means something must have happened to the woman he fell for; the only one who could compare to whatever image he had of me in his mind.
"What happened to her?" I couldn't help but ask, even though I knew he was getting there.
"She just stormed into my life one night in a short dress and high heels, challenging me in ways I didn't think anyone could and lighting my whole world on fire in the best of ways. And not two days after we met, I found out she wasn't who I thought she was; turns out, she was the one I'd been waiting for all along." His arms tighten around me. "I held onto an idea of you for years, and I didn't even know it was you I was comparing you to until two days after we met again."
Tears built up in my eyes at his words, and my heart fluttered faster than a hummingbird's wings.
"Lucy, I loved the idea of you for eight years, but I've been falling in love with you since the night you walked into my office."
My tears fell freely at his admission and I clung to him as if my life depended on it.
"Nothing I do for you is out of obligation; I just want to be able to be near you, and I guess I don't feel like I deserve you at all. And I don't ever want you thinking I'm not attracted to you, because everything about you is beautiful." Natsu rubbed his hands up and down my back; I hadn't realized how fucking cold it was until a light breeze picked up, cutting straight through my sweaty workout gear.
"My scars aren't beautiful," I whispered, though I'm not sure why I'm looking for a lie in his words. Then it hit me: as much as I may want, there was still a part of me that firmly believed Natsu is far too good for me and deserved someone better.
"They may not be pretty, but they don't define you. And they do not make you any less beautiful." He pressed his cold lips to my forehead, lingering there before pulling away and completely changing the subject. "You up for more running, or should we take whatever direction is the quickest back to the house? I'm still pretty much okay, but I think you might turn into a Lucy-pop if we stay out here much longer."
His smile was playful, but there was a hint of worry around his eyes. Understandably so, since now that we've been standing talking so long, my muscles have cooled down and I can really feel the temperature.
"I think I'm done with running at the moment," I told him as I gathered my bearings, then slid my hand into his and pointed in the right direction so we could set off. "We need to go that way. How long do you think we ran, anyway?"
"Hour and a half or so before you stopped, and probably another half hour on top of that talking." He stopped me, looking into my eyes as he spoke. "Lucy, I don't know if what we're doing can be considered dating, but I do know that - at least on my side of things - I don't consider this just fucking around. And it's fine that you don't know what you want to happen between us. I waited eight years to be able to take you on a date, I can wait for you to figure it out either way."
Gods, that smile he gives me before we start walking again is going to be the death of me. It's fucking freezing outside and his smile instantly warmed me to the point I felt like I could melt. I'm struck by the fact that I do want more, so much so that it's overwhelming, but I don't tell him. Not yet.
Neither of us spoke as we grew close enough that I could see lights on in some of the upper windows. Walking through the back garden towards the kitchen, I could picture our life together - one filled with love and laughter. I knew at that moment that this was more than me responding to him because of physical attraction, or some shit from a bad action movie where two people develop feelings because of shared trauma or whatever. Natsu broke through every wall I had put up around my heart, and I found myself unafraid of being open and vulnerable with him.
The kitchen was bursting with activity when we stepped through the door. Nearly every Zodiac was preparing something for what I can only guess will be a shared breakfast. Natsu was immediately separated from my side by Aquarius, who handed him a knife and ordered him to start slicing fruit, while I was pulled in the opposite direction to begin making everyone's coffee orders.
By the time we actually sat down to eat, I was sore, exhausted, and starving. I hadn't said more than a handful of words since I walked into the kitchen; my mind was too full of what Natsu said as we walked back to even focus on the conversation around me. Between bites, I would sometimes look up to find him watching me, his eyebrows scrunched up as if he were trying to read my thoughts. My answer each time was a soft smile that I hoped would assure him that I'm alright - that we're alright - and a brush of my fingertips across the back of his hand or up his forearm.
I would have felt bad for eating more than I usually would, but no one left that table hungry, or even full. Every one of us ate far more than we should have, but everything was delicious and I could tell no one regretted stuffing themselves sick.
At the end of the meal, I was still sore, but less exhausted because of how much coffee I drank, and now fully feeling gross because of all the dried sweat on my skin. Once the table was cleared and the kitchen mess cleaned up, Natsu and I made our way back upstairs to finally get ourselves cleaned up as well. He gave me a smile before slipping into his suite to shower and change; part of me wanted to follow him, but I know it's still too soon for me.
I spent a long time thawing out in a hot shower - probably longer than I should have - before stepping out to get dressed. There are a few things I should get started on now that I will be transitioning to running the business full time. Letting out a sigh, I make my way towards my office, phone in my back pocket and laptop in hand, so I can look through the paperwork I found Friday evening.
There was barely enough time for me to pull out the paperwork before my phone buzzed with a text from an unknown number. A quick press of my index finger unlocks the device so I can read the message, and the sentences within completely fucked everything I had planned.
Jose bugged your office. He knows about your deception, and about Natsu.
This chapter... did not go as planned. I guess that's what happens when there is no outline, and the story was just supposed to be a one-shot? In case y'all missed it, some shit is about to go down in the story. Updating may be a little slow for the next few chapters because real life is a thing that's happening right now. My goal is to give you at least on a month until shit settles down (hopefully by early May). I appreciate your patience.
So, huge thanks to everyone who fave/followed my story (and me), and to all who comment. You really do keep me going with your support, and I love you all.
TTFN, Lovelies!