Disclaimer: Characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and Grey's anatomy.

Chapter 16: " Memory needs oblivion, it is a way to heal the mind"

The next day, knowing that the orthopedist had scheduled a major surgery, Arizona was not really worried about not hearing from her. As agreed, so that the girls could play together, and that they finally spend the famous slumber party long awaited by Sofia since her arrival, Meredith had come to pick up Sofia early in the afternoon.
As soon as she opened the door Arizona rushed toward the general surgeon

- How is she doing?

- Hello to you too ...

Looking at the dark circles under the eyes of the blonde who had visibly not slept well, Meredith smiled.
She loved genuinely both women, even if she had to recognize that often, she did not understand them and even sometimes they riled her.
According to her, life had done enough to send you bad shots, not to make it worse.
When she watched them; she could not help but think of her own story. She would have given anything so that fate did not prematurely deprive her and her children of the man with whom she wanted to share the rest of her life with.
This still very vivid pain caused a touch of irritation in her heart, when she saw her friends not realizing how lucky they were to still be alive both, and unlike her all the hope that gave them; whereas they continued to waste precious time.

She thought that the most difficult thing was to have a chance to meet such a great love, certainly not to live it.

- Who are you talking about?

- Meredith ?

- She's as good as she can be. I mean, Arizona, you should understand that it's pretty hard for her... Well, I know it's hard for you, too, but you spent so much time rejecting her after the crash that now she's living it like one more rejection, and it's hard to take.

Meredith's tone and forthrightness undermined Arizona's convictions. Shaking her head at this revelation, she takes a deep breath

- I really feel like all I'm doing is just hurting her

- Kind of, even if it's unconscious and involuntary and so on. You guys spent most of your history hurting each other.

- Oh, okay! That has the merit of being clear. I mean, no one had ever told me about our history that way.

- I'm sorry, Arizona. But you asked me about her, and I may be the only one still here who has seen Callie fall apart after each of your separations, and I know you did too. But you know, every time you guys came back together and gave your love another chance, she believed in it, but every time you failed. And every time, I saw her breakdown. You two don't know how to resist each other, and then you suffer and then she leaves you and she hurts you and you hurt her in turn and you two still suffer.
I mean, I don't think it's just to follow Penny, that she wanted to move to New York.

Bitten by Meredith's comments, Arizona had kissed her daughter to wish her a good evening and had long sat on the couch thinking about this new information.
The general surgeon was clearly close to Callie, but even though it was hard to hear, there seemed to be quite of sincerity in what she was saying, and the description of their relationship wasn't as idyllic as Callie had implied
The blonde had the unpleasant impression that this feeling of serenity, and of happiness that she had felt during these last few days, had flown away in a second with the rather direct words of the general surgeon.
But these few words gave meaning to many things.
The reasons why Callie had chosen another life, as well as the embarrassment of all her friends who had tried to warn her about this, appeared increasingly clear to Arizona, now. It reminded also her that the brunette's presence in Seattle was temporary, and that it was time for each of them to resume their existence where it was before this stupid fall.

So, it was in this mood that Arizona had prepared for the evening and that she had pushed the door of Joe's bar where Alex, April and Joshua, the poor intern that she had terrorized, as well as her girlfriend Carina were waiting for her.

Leaning up at the bar, the blonde heard from afar without really participating in the chatter of the surgeons who laughed, and used their hierarchical superiority to gently heckle the young intern.
She was trying to get out of her head that the last time she came to this bar, she spent a wonderful evening with her ex-wife, not knowing yet that she was.
This reminder brings a smile on her face. Throughout this evening, she had the impression of experiencing this delightful phase of the beginning of a meeting, where you discover someone and suddenly the slightest detail of her life fascinates you. She really remembered wanting this evening not to end, and thinking about that now; she would have liked to keep ignoring her past a little longer, and be allowed to dream of a future with the beautiful Latin woman.

Triggering a huge smile on the blonde's face, a burst of laughter is heard across the bar. As she turns towards where it came from, Arizona's face falls.
A strange feeling that was unknown to her and that she would never have wanted to feel, invades her when she sees her ex-wife in company of her girlfriend.
It was like a stab in the heart. Kind of mixed of sadness and dismay with a touch of jealousy twisted her guts and plunged her into an unbearable malaise.
This is probably what we call heartbroken, thought the blonde distraught.

Through the room, two astonished black eyes connect with the blue eyes. Reading each other, the two women are held captive for long seconds. Arizona was the first to lower her eyes on Penny's hand resting on the Latin woman's thigh, and when she raises her head, Callie was looking at the hand that Carina had just placed on hers, like if she was marking her territory, while the blonde had not even felt it.

Their eyes met again a little longer than they should. Arizona tilts her head with a sad grin as an implicit apology, and Callie sends back the same sadness in her beautiful black eyes that was telling that sometimes as hard as you want to believe in it, things just don't happen the way you would have wanted them to.

Penny, Carina, as well as April who, in spite of appearances, did not let much escape, had followed this silent dialogue between the two ex-wives.

When Callie turned to her girlfriend, Penny, a painful rictus on her lips, gave her a stern look.

- Oh my God! You've never been able to get over her, actually!

- What? Whom?

Seeking to keep their conversation low-key, the redhead leans towards Callie.

- Dr Robbins, Arizona, your ex-wife. You never stopped loving her, actually. You... you just used me to try to move on, or maybe just to get back at her for hurting you.

- No! I never meant for revenge. I never wanted to hurt her... I was just trying to save myself. Callie became pensive…Saving us both, actually… That's why I left, not to...

- Oh, you're saying you didn't come to New York for me?

Callie raises her eyes filled with exasperation to heaven

- Penny damn it... I've been moving all my life to follow you to New York and I took her daughter...

- I'm not likely to forget it, you always bring it up in all our conversations! Usually, you end your sentence by saying that you followed me because you didn't want to make the same mistake you made with her for Africa or even for fetal surgery. You see, it's not necessary to name her, your ex-wife is always between us. The redhead spoke in a low voice, her teeth clenched.

- I never said that!

- You did! And you don't even realize that you're saying this to me, Callie... and... and how much it hurts me. You never want to hurt anyone, do you, Callie? I got some news for you, you do it anyway. You hurt me so much. But as soon as it comes to her, after everything she's done to you, you're still here, with this vital need to always play hero for her.

- Come on, I'm not. Trust me, she never saw me like a hero. Callie chuckles sadly…But, she is and always will be my daughter's mother, that's all.

Penny closes the eyelids, taking a deep breath to regain the calm she did not like to lose. When she opened her eyes again, Callie knew that definitive things were about to be said.

- Look, I always knew you'd never love me as much as you loved her... and you know what?... I even got used to the idea; because I love you enough for both of us. But if you stay here...

- Oh, don't do that, Penny, don't give me an ultimatum...

- I mean, I could do it when there were thousands of miles between you and her, but I'm sorry, I can't if you live next to her another day and I'm the one who's thousands of miles away. I didn't apply for the Preminger grant by accident...

- Wow... you... you applied for this fellowship hoping to get me away from Arizona?! With everything I've lost in my life, and Sofia's, but... but this is not loving someone, Penny! This... this is twisted manipulation. Oh my God! Am I so obsessed with falling in love that I don't see these things?

Realizing that the distance between them was much greater than the miles between Seattle and New York, the redhead looked sadly at Callie's incomprehension.

- Everything in this world is not always about you, Callie. I was hoping to get away from you both! Of your history, which always hovered around this hospital and all the places in this town we used to go to... Actually, it's kind of ironic. I wanted to get away from you two and you followed me because you wanted to get away from her; but we're still a few feet away from her, still talking about her, while you're still eating her with your eyes.

- You exaggerate...

- Do you remember what you said to me the night I told you I loved you?

The Latin woman closes the eyes, she remembered perfectly her discomfort and the ridiculous and awkward "thank you" that came out of her mouth that night.

- Yeah, I see you remember it perfectly. Penny sneers with bitterness... And do you realize you never told me that back since.

- A lot of stuff happened, Penny. It was complicated. Argues the brunette in her defense

- Yeah, it's complicated. The redhead displayed a resentful smile. Saying "I love you" to someone other than your ex-wife is really complicated, isn't it Callie? You need to find something else besides "it's complicated". I'm not going to settle for "it's complicated" any longer. Penny was staring straight at the Latina, pushing her to her very limits... Callie, are you truly ready to build a life with me? To marry me? To have a child with me?

Castigating the fact, she could be read like she was an open book, with her big sad black eyes, Callie looked at her girlfriend, expressing that in everything she had just heard there were only truths. Callie had never considered anything like this with Penny. To tell the truth, since they met, she never even thought about it once.
After her divorce, all she did was convince herself that she was in love to be able to move on, then her mind had been rather busy fighting with Arizona for custody of Sofia and then in New York her thoughts were often filled with regrets and questions about it. Sofia was missing Arizona and Callie realized that she was missing her too, and that she had certainly ruined many things between them, and not just because of the court, even if that remained for her the climax of her mistakes.
Penny's voice reminds her of where she was.

- That's what I thought. I'm sorry Callie, I deserve to be loved too.

Afflicted by Callie's deafening silence that said a lot about what they really were; Penny gets up and leaves the bar.

Unconsciously, Callie scans the room looking for her ex-wife. But the blonde had vanished.
She joins Alex and April, looking pretty drunk, they were arguing like two teenagers about the score of a dart game.

- Hey you guys, have you seen Arizona?

- She was tired, she just left with Carina. Answers April, more concerned right now about Alex than her friend

- With Deluca, I don't think she'll get much rest!

The pediatrician bursts out laughing loudly, when an elbow in the ribs comes to cut her breath. April was shooting at him with her eyes.

- Oh ...Uh...Okay.

The Latina pretended indifference, but neither of the two surgeons in front of her was fooled.

- Penny is gone? Asks the redhead, filling the clumsy silence

- I... She kind of broke up with me, I think; or maybe I broke up with her, I don't know. It happened as always with Penny, no drama, easily.

The brunette did not seem to address anyone in particular, but rather to make a sad observation of what her relationship with now her ex-girlfriend really was.

- And you're okay…? Asks April nonchalantly

- Yeah, surprisingly well. It's time for me to really face myself

- So, awaiting this great moment, come to face to face with April, me and Joshua who is a promising intern! Chuckling, Alex was trying to make up for his blunder... Well, with darts he's a champion, so we should be able to teach him at least how to put a needle.

- Joshua, this is Dr Torres. Let me give you a friendly advice, don't ever approach her in the morning until you're sure she's had her coffee, or Robbins' screams will sound like love words to you compared to hers. April explodes with laughter at her joke, under the gaze of Callie, who found that during her absence, the redhead had visibly acquired a great self-confidence, unless it was, she who had lost a little of this pride that characterized her in her youth.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Arizona actually had left the bar earlier than expected. She already thought it strange enough to be in the same room as Calliope and at the same time so far from her, but when she saw out of the corner of her eye that Penny had leaned on the Latin woman and started a conversation, even though she was light years away from suspecting the contents, the discomfort she had felt had become unsustainable, so she preferred to call a cab and return home.
It was without counting on the flattering relentlessness of Carina who had followed her and accompanied her.

The two women were now sitting on the sofa in the Arizona living room.

- May we at last have this conversation? Requests the Italian

- Uh... yeah... If you want to

The blonde was not very prone to talk, these thoughts were more directed towards another brunette and all the feelings that had clearly appeared to her tonight and that she had to deal with.

- Where do you stand about us, Arizona? I mean, if you remember everything, you remember us and so...

- Uh... I don't remember there really being an «us» Carina. I remember a very funny, sexy relationship, and delicious moments, but that's all it was. I don't think we really got involved with each other, or you wouldn't have met Owen's arms. The blonde spoke with a confidence that the Italian hadn't ever seen in her ... And don't get me wrong, I don't blame you. Everything I've learned about myself recently, don't allow me to feel offended or even to pass judgment, but I just wanted to say that there was no "us"

- Maybe not yet... You kind of asked me to give you some space. And... and I have to admit, I missed you and I feel like we could be going somewhere. That maybe...

As she spoke, the Italian woman had become dangerously close to the blond. She firmly grabs the collar of her shirt, and with an energetic gesture, surprising Arizona, she puts her mouth on that of the blonde kissing her lips feverishly.
The blonde places her hands on Carina's shoulders to push her back gently. She felt as if it was wrong, decidedly every time a woman had kissed her lately, she found it wrong, but here, besides, she felt the same unpleasant sensation that she had remembered after Lauren Boswell. However, this time Callie was clearly visible in her head, and this image forbade her from going on.

- I... I can't... I can't do that ... I'm not ready... I'm still too confused, you know I still haven't found any of my memory and...

- But wait, I don't understand ... You said you remembered?

- I don't remember Calliope... and

- Oh Torres!... again Torres... still Torres.

- Listen, I'm not sure about anything in this part of my life, except that Calliope has been someone very important to me and we've been through a lot together. I ... I can't get into another history until I'm clear on this one. I'm sorry. I... I can't do that.

- Yeah... and you know what, I don't think you'll ever be clear on that one day. You even weren't before you lost your memory. She hurt you, left you, took your daughter thousands of miles away, but she was always around you, even when she lived across the country, even though you never mentioned her. In fact, I felt, that there was always something holding you back and... Carina laughed nervously ... And damn it, it was still her.

- Why the hell does every single person in this hospital have an opinion about my relationship with my ex-wife. What do you know about what we shared, what we went through together, to judge us.

- Apparently, you don't know either, and I hope you won't regret anything when you find out. In any case, for me it is very clear, it is not worth wasting time with someone who has nothing left to give.

The upset and disappointed Italian woman gets up to leave the room, leaving Arizona with the same questions that were spinning in her head.

Even though she seemed to have disappeared, had Callie in fact never left her mind? Had remorse and guilt definitively broken her? Was she capable of love anymore?

Thank you for reading