Disclaimer: Characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and Grey's anatomy.
N/A : To answer about Meredith's position in their relationship. I always found that in the show Meredith's character was quite critical about Arizona. One time reminding Callie who was still confused after their split up, that Arizona had cheated on her; then when Callie wanted to move, she blindly support her and the icing on the cake for me, was her testimony in court, she was an adoptive mother too and I think she could have understood Arizona's position...For me, that wasn't the coolest part of the character but I choose to keep it like that for a while
Chapter 17: "Memories reinvent life, they are another form of forgetfulness"
On Sunday morning, the bell rang very early at the blonde.
- Did you fall off your bed, April? Asks Arizona, although she had noticed that the redhead was dressed the same way as the night before.
- Uh…It's a long story... April comes into home and throws herself on the sofa under Arizona's amused gaze. I... I haven't gone to bed yet... Well, I have. But I haven't slept... I thinkn I drank too much and you know with Alex, it's always kind of hard to follow him and...
- Oh my God, April, did you sleep with Alex?
- No! Cries the redhead laughing. She casts a sorry look at her friend... Worse
- Worse than Alex! It's gonna be hard April, and not only from a lesbian perspective. Alex is your ex-husband's best friend... That doesn't sound very appropriate ...
- Arizona, shut up, shut up! I didn't have sex with Alex... I...
- Oh, Jesus worse than Alex, but not Alex? ... The blonde opens big bewildered eyes... Did you sleep with Callie?! With Penny?... Oh my god, with both! And that's why you show up at my place at this hour. You slept with your best friend's ex-wife! I should say YOUR EX- BEST FRIEND'S ex-wife! April! It's... it's
- It's nonsense... April didn't know if the blonde was really serious, Arizona's deadpan humor always confused her... I slept with the intern... Joshua
- Ah, okay, never mind then. He is cute.
- Arizona! He's ten years younger than me and he's an intern! And, it's forbidden by hospital rules. He can get me fired. Let me thank you for that, by the way.
- What else am I doing with this story again?
- The hospital rules... Murphy?...
- Oh yeah, it's true, shit I forgot about it... Oh fuck! That must have been rough for Calliope, too. Oh, what was on my mind? It must have been so hurtful and humiliating... I can't believe I behaved this way and how she could ever forgive me. Or maybe she didn't by the way; because we finally got divorced. Yeah, Meredith's right, I do nothing but hurt her, and now Calliope has found her Penny, who makes her happy, and I broke up with Carina because she's not Calliope.
- About Callie! April Interrupts the creepy hike of Arizona who had almost forgotten about the redhead... Since apparently everything revolves around her lately ... that's why I stopped by your place, actually...
- What? Is she gone yet? She went back to New York without saying goodbye? Is that right, April? Suddenly the grief was plainly written in the blue eyes.
- Uh…No…But I thought you'd like to know that she broke up with Penny or that Penny broke up with her, she didn't know that too well.
- Oh shit ... But last night they were together and they seemed fine together, and... uh... They were pretty close, and...
- And Carina was pretty close to you, too. It doesn't look like she's here this morning?
- How was she doing?
- Whom? Carina?
- No! Oh my God April! Can you try to keep up a little bit? ... Callie! How was Callie?
- She seemed fine to me. She won all the darts games. And then I left with the intern! Regretting clearly her gap, the redhead whined, hiding her face in her hands.
- April, quit sleeping with the intern. Whether you like it or not, he's gonna bring this to work and you're gonna end up in a situation you can't handle. Trust me.
- Experience speaks for itself, right? And even when you think about it, don't you still see Callie?
- No, still not. I end up thinking I'm my own breaking point. You know, maybe it's what I did to her that I want to forget... And now it's because of me again that she broke up with her girlfriend. I think I'm a horrible person, April! Oh my God, all my hopes are now in this fucking hypnosis session.
In the afternoon, Arizona got a text message from Callie, her heart had missed one beat when she saw the photo of the sender on her screen.
Apart from their silent exchange through a crowded bar, she had not spoken to her since Friday night, when the sad and disheartened Latina had left her home.
She would not have wanted that to happen, but she had to admit that she missed her terribly.
She wished she had a chance to explain to her that what she remembered about Boswell was only remorse, and also to talk with her about her decision to make a session of hypnosis.
But the cold laconic message from the brunette did not engage the conversation, and anyway considering Meredith was right, it was better to leave her alone, and staying in this friendly relationship of co-parents.
Callie had only asked her if she was okay with Sofia staying with her, one more day, suggesting that it would be easier to accompany her with Zola to school on Monday
Noting with sadness that Callie was visibly doing everything she could, to avoid her, including in the relationship of co-parents, the blonde agreed. So, she settled for sending back a thumbs up, so as not to impose herself with her ex-wife.
On Monday afternoon, disoriented by confused feelings and torn by contradictory desires, the blonde put all her hopes in her meeting with the therapist, hoping thus to regain control over her emotions and her life.
The only way that could save them now was, to make it works.
After telling her about the part or rather the person she wanted to remember, and hearing again all the risks that hypnosis entails in her case, seeking to relax perfectly, the blonde lies down on the couch and closes her eyes.
She was listening to the monochord voice of the therapist sitting behind her.
- I'll count up to ten. Little by little you will sink into a deep sleep. Relax.
One: Your eyelids are heavy.
Two: You close your eyes
- Already done. Mentions the blonde. Her words didn't distract the therapist who continues to count as if she was not there
- Three: You start floating
Four: You focus on my voice.
Five: Your body becomes heavy.
Six: You let yourself go.
Seven: You give up. Lose your grip.
Eight: You are slowly falling into a deep sleep.
Nine: You can't resist anymore.
Ten: You travel back in time until the day you met Dr. Torres for the first time.
The blonde opens one eye, then the other finally raising her head toward the highly focused therapist.
- Uh... Hello! No trip for me. I... I'm still on your couch.
- Okay, your mind resists, let's try again.
The therapist had started counting again to ten, and started over and over and over again. After many failed attempts and before he reached one hundred, Arizona had interrupted him.
- I... I think it's fair to say that it's not working.
- Indeed... I... I think your brain really doesn't want to remember. There is a really deep blockage in your subconscious. You ... You are not receptive to this process
Seeming to carry on her shoulders all the misery of the world, the blonde leaves the office.
She did not know what her subconscious wanted, but consciously she wished she could go to Calliope and see her beautiful smile spread on her face when she would have told her that she remembered everything.
Suddenly her eyes wrinkle up looking carefully far away; her lips stretch in a big smile. She is walking up to a bench.
- May I sit next to you, lovely lady? Seated with her head in her hands, the brunette jumps.
- Already done? Are you...? Is it over?
- How did you know? Oh sure… April.
- Yeah, I'm discovering unexpected aspects in this woman. I like her more and more. The Latin woman giggled awkwardly
Arizona sighs deeply as she sits beside her ex-wife while Callie turned toward her a worried face
- So? How are you? how'd it go? Are you...? Are you okay?
- Would you be scared of what I was about to find out?
- Arizona, I'm not afraid for me. I'm out of danger now. You can't hate me any more than you already did, and I've already lost everything in this history, my dreams, my illusions my family and ... you.
But you found who you were again. And you know, I had forgotten how happy you were, always in a good mood and always in the light side. And I'm afraid that what you can discover make you suffer again and plunge back into the darkness that had invaded you. Arizona sneered nervously without saying a word... I mean, if you erased it, it's not by chance... So even if to keep seeing that smile that I love so much, you have to wipe me out from your memories, it doesn't matter. Okay? That's fine.
- No, that's not what you really think. I saw how disappointed and upset and sad you were...
- Because I was stupid... Again... You know, even in New York I've never been able to forget you, so being your breaking point, being the one you didn't want to remember, hurt me in the moment. It was... It was like you were rejecting me, I mean, you were rejecting our whole story, that...That you didn't want it to exist.
- Calliope, I can't reject you or our history... I can't explain why, but I'm sure of that, I don't want to reject you. You...you're like an anchor to me.
Remembering that last cry of love that the blonde had dropped like a cry of help, like a bottle thrown into the sea, during their last couples therapy session, Callie grimaces in pain. Unconscious of the emotion that this word caused in the Latin woman; dismayed Arizona goes on ... Oh damn it, Calliope, I would have liked so much...
- And?
- Holy shit! There were just numbers that were floating away in my mind… Callie opened astonished eyes wide … I... I'm sorry... I have no memory of anything else. Admits the disappointed blonde while Callie was biting her lip not to laugh ... Does that make you happy? Are you glad I don't remember you? Exclaims Arizona stunned
- No! no! but I was pretty sure it wouldn't work... With over-pride, the brunette laughed... That means I know you rather well! ... I knew you were gonna resist, oh crap! You're so stubborn. You always want to control everything. I knew you weren't gonna let go... For the ghost limb, you put Owen through hell...
- Why Owen?
- Uh...well... It was Owen who took care of you... You ... you didn't want me around you. You hated that I took care of you actually. For a long time, you even hid from me that you were suffering...
Aware that she could not try to build a life by ignoring all these things, Arizona inspires deeply. She puts her hand on the brunette arm.
- Fuck, I've been damn shitty, huh?
The Latina nods with a laugh
- On a scale between 0 and 10? Be careful not to fall babe, you are at the highest level. Joking with her ex-wife and regaining the complicity that they had always had when Arizona still knew how to appease her, was exactly what the brunette needed... With you I hit the jackpot
- Stop, I... I don't need my entire memory to know that you always tend to over-exaggerate everything! The blonde suddenly looks serious... Callie, do you remember that promise you made me?
- Uh... which one? 'Cause actually since we met, I've promised so much. I promised you that I would never let anyone cut your leg off, and you're amputated. I promised you I will never leave your side, and we're divorced. I even promised you one day that I would never go away and I moved to New York. See, broken promises are kind of my thing.
A tender smile on the face, the blonde affectionately passes her hand on the Latin's arm
- Apparently, my thing was to make you make impossible promises... About New York, I... I heard about you and Penny, I'm sorry, Calliope.
- Well... uh... I'm not. You know, it wasn't fair to her. I think I should have broken up with her like years ago. I... I feel more in tune with myself now. You know, I had forgotten how important it was to feel at peace with yourself.
- Yeah, I feel that as well. I need it so much. The blonde sighs, her thoughts drifting away towards this feeling she couldn't have as long as amnesia will be there... I came by taxi; would you give me a ride?
- That's why I came here. To pick you up in case reality will be too hard to take. Holding her arm, the brunette stops her ex-wife who stood up to leave. Surprise, Arizona questions her with her eyes
Arizona, I haven't always been there, I haven't always been perfect, but I want you to know that you can count on me, now.
Smiling, Arizona just nods emotionally
- Let's go back home, and you can at least keep that promise.
- Which one?
- You know, at the French restaurant, you promised me that if I couldn't find my memory, you'd tell me everything, every last detail. That's where we are, Calliope. I ran out of all my other options.
When she got to Arizona, Callie showed numerous signs of anxiety that the blonde had already learned to spot.
While Arizona was making tea in the kitchen, the Latina was nervously running her fingers through her hair as she walked up and down the living room.
- Uh… don't you have anything stronger?... I'll need something stronger ... Suggests the brunette
- You want some booze at this time of day? Asks the blonde, smiling. Calliope it's gonna be okay. What could be more important than learning that you have a child, or that you lost your leg falling from the sky? Arizona gave her ex-wife a sweet and supportive look. So, before we played «Kramer vs Kramer», how was our relationship? It was more like "When Harry Met Sally" or "Sleepless in Seattle" or wait …I know…Uh… "Indecent Proposal"! Arizona bursts with laughter
- No, I would say it was more "Notting Hill".
- Wow, really? Who was I, Julia Robert or Hugh Grant?
- Without any doubt Julia Robert! You kissed me by surprise, in an unlikely place when I didn't even know you. And then you didn't want to go on a date with me because I didn't have any experience with women. You even called me a baby. Finally, you changed your mind again and you wanted to take me to the diner, and for a while you showed some hesitation about getting involved in that relationship. You know, I already told you this part, the children and Africa. Nostalgic, the Latin woman smiled at memories... Even if we had great moments.
I mean our relationship seemed such inevitable. We were indispensable to each other. And then there was, you know, the car accident and Sofia's birth. And it's incredible how something terrible can also bring so much happiness.
- Wow ...wow it's too fast. Let's go back to that improbable place where I would have kissed you... I mean where did I kiss you?... Uh on the cheek? In ...in the neck?... Uh ... I don't know, the lips?
Callie bursts with laughter
- It wasn't the place of my body that you kissed that was unlikely! But the place where you did!
Finally putting two and two together, Arizona blushes
- Oh sorry ... I thought... oh I'm sorry ... Oh my God! I also thought, it was kind of awkward...
- The improbable place was in Joe's bathroom... Explains Callie between laughter and laughter... You have to admit that there is more romantic for a first kiss... Seriously Arizona, I can't believe you imagined...! Mind you, this may have been your first intention... I never thought of it that way, but now that you say it...knowing you... The playful brunette, laughed heartily of her saucy insinuations, her anxiety having completely vanished in front of her ex-wife's embarrassed face
- Stop it. It's not fair to use your superior memory to laugh at me!
- Yeah, well…Anyway, obviously it didn't hit you, because the other night when I took you out for a drink at Joe's, it didn't really ring a bell.
- So, that's what was that night? ... You were playing it, like "Regarding Henry," when I was naively thinking it was because you liked spending time with me. Playing in turn the offended woman, the blonde was fishing for something.
- That was the case, even if I remind you that at that time, you seemed pretty focused only on Amelia's beautiful eyes...
- Oh... To be honest, I should tell you that I really wasn't flirting with Amelia. I used her to divert... because ... Uh...I was extremely troubled...
- You were; clearly by her beautiful eyes...
Looking at her, disbelief in her eyes, Arizona no longer wanted to play games or hide her feelings, she wanted to have as frank a relationship as possible with her ex-wife.
- Calliope, you know very well who troubled me… And now it just makes sense. Oh, I guess that with all this stuff you do around Amelia, you tended to be a little jealous?
- Somewhat, but no more than you. Before we met, you slept with a lot of girls at the hospital and you had never mentioned it to me. You know, that's where the little lies thing comes from.
Callie tells Arizona the whole story, from her discovery of her relationship with Colleen to her return home, even the justifications of her lovely wife worried for hurting her. And that's when you told me that it was to protect me and that it was just a little lie to make me feel better. You thought that those little lies should be allowed if we did them out of love.
- Yeah, that's what Sofia often says. It's pretty...
- I swear, it wasn't only pretty, it turned into an absolutely memorable sexy night. Of course, our daughter doesn't know this part of the story. But you, not to remember that!? It's downright a real... waste, an insult to lust...
The two women roared with laughter. A silence sets in as their eyes connect installing them in indisputable comfort
- I don't understand why it didn't work out between us. I mean, it sounds so easy. I...I mean why did I react like this? How could I come about…You know, to believe I could find the answers in someone else's arms?
- I made many mistakes, I was clumsy. Callie sighs deeply... You used to tell me that you loved the way I cared about my patients The Latin sneers bitterly... When they brought you back from Boise, I clung to it. But when you were my patient, you didn't like that at all. I knew how to help my patients, but with you, I couldn't do anything. It was so hard being the doctor and the wife at the same time.
- Oh, hence the story with Dr. Torres in the rehab room and Calliope the best friend elsewhere.
- Um... I tried not to make the same mistakes again. I mean, when you lost your leg, I obsessively wanted to make it easy for you. You know, I wanted to find something that would give you hope and make you smile again. You were so desperate to be able to take care of Sofia and be a surgeon again and do everything like before. I spent most of my time working on a prosthesis that would give you complete autonomy. But the more I tried, the more you couldn't stand me. I didn't realize that in wanting to help you and fix what I hadn't be able to avoid, I was sending you back an image of a disabled person while you were fighting so hard to forget it. I forgot you were an attractive woman who also needed to feel desired. For a long time, you even didn't let me near you, and I let you do it but when I lost my patience, I said things that, you know, that hurt you.
- Oh, I'm surprised about that! ... Really you, losing patience? I can't believe it... Chuckled the blonde, trying to make Callie smile, who was locked in painful memories... Calliope I guess feeling rejected by her wife is pretty hurtful too... I think that in this kind of situation, everyone reacts as they can. My mother says that these moments were really tough for you too...
- Yeah... Anyway, you had always been so attractive and you had always had such self- confidence, it even annoyed me at times, that I didn't pay attention that you had lost that part of yourself as well. Another woman has known how to give you what I couldn't. She knew how to make you feel how beautiful and desirable you still were and it was just what you needed. At these words Callie's voice broke, the tears appearing in her eyes still testifying to the deep pain she felt as soon as she recalled this episode... And I fucking reacted really, really badly.
Hardly swallowing the ball that had formed in her throat, the blonde watched her, struggling with these emotions that still seemed alive.
- Calliope no one reacts well to that. It's...it's demeaning and painful. It's normal, it's human to react badly when the person you love and trust has betrayed you.
- Yeah, but I've really made things difficult between us. I said it in front of everyone, it was so stupid. I felt so bad, I wanted you to feel as bad as I did. I was really mad at you. I left home with Sofia, I took off my wedding ring and our heart, I refused to talk with you, to allow you to try to explain yourself, to try to understand what had happened, and I even kicked you out of our apartment. I set up all the conditions to make you think we were finished; and of course, it has been the escalation, and you had sex with that intern who filed a complaint against me afterwards.
Arizona had lowered her head; she was ashamed to listen to the outpouring of all her indiscretions... Even when we tried to give us another chance, you know, I never really gave it to us. I was mad at you, of course, but I was mad at me, too, because someone else knew how to give my wife what I didn't know. And you know what, I think that feeling caused the most damage. Even if we had admitted that we had both made mistakes and that we no longer talked about them, it was still between us. When you saw me sad, you apologized, you probably apologized a thousand times and I couldn't bear to hear your excuses anymore, because I knew I owed you too.
We were still married but unhappy and more bound by something other than love
- By Sofia?
- Yeah, also by Sofia, but mostly by the guilt
- Yeah, obviously in these conditions, there was not much chance of not sinking
- It took me the trial for Sofia's custody, to figure it out.
- Why?
- Because suddenly, driven by the fear of losing Sofia, you finally spoke truthfully. My lawyer was stalking you to prove you weren't Sofia's mother and you fought… For Christ's sake, I really thought you were gonna physically assault her. Fuck, you threatened her outright.
But in a few words, you made me realize that our truth was simply there. At some point you had a choice between leaving or staying, and you chose me and the baby within me, concealing out of love what you felt about it. You decided to stay no matter what. But I, I didn't do it, I decided to run.
The two women face to face looked each other in the eyes;Callie cleared her throat before continuing... It reminded me that sometimes when you're miserable and angry, you can do stupid things that are inappropriate. That's what I realized I was doing in this court and on other occasions as well... The Latina snickers bitterly... And so you did, with Boswell.
You were unhappy and angry, and I preferred not to see it and think it was okay than face it. I mean, you thought the woman you trusted and who promised to save your leg had cut it off. I'm not so sure now, that it was a very great idea either.
- What?
- I... I let you think that I was the one who cut it. I never told you it was Alex, and I forbade him to tell you. You know, always those little lies to make you feel better. Alex told you when we were already divorced
- But... but why, did you do that?
- Because I knew you well, and I knew you were gonna hate me anyway. You loved Alex, I didn't want you to hate him too. You couldn't be alone, you needed someone!
Tears invade the blue eyes; the throat tight, Arizona puffs of astonishment. She did not even believe that it was humanly possible to show so much love, attention and self-denial... The voice broken by sobs; she stammers.
- You... you did this...you... Oh my God, you... You loved me so much that you let me hate you and take it out on you, just to protect me... I can't believe it. Oh Calliope, if you only knew how much I hate myself right now
- I hate myself too. None of this would have happened if I had saved your leg like I promised.
Feeling the irrepressible urge to take her in her arms, Arizona embraces the Latin. She sensed Callie's body against hers shaken with sobs, her mouth near the brunette's ear, she whispered.
- I reviews my file when I was in the hospital. My leg couldn't be saved, Calliope, and even if you did, I would have had a much more limited life than with a prosthesis. You know it, and I know it too... You can't keep blaming yourself for that anymore. I know... I know how hard it is to accept that you couldn't save someone you love. I felt that way for a while when my brother passed away. I cried a lot in Nick's arms, because I just wished I could to be there to save him, and you know what, I don't even know if I would have been able.
- Yeah, that hurts so much. But I've never cried in your arms, or in anyone else's arms
Arizona retreats a little, the face of the Latina was ravaged by tears, tenderly she wipes them with the pulp of her thumb. She lays her forehead against Callie's, asking in a broken voice.
- Why?
- Because I was alone. Said the brunette between sobs... You no longer spoke to me, and Mark was dead. And then you were the one who was desperate, and I was supposed to be the one who was strong, so you could get out of it.
Arizona hugs her ex-wife, as if all the tender gestures she could make right now could erase all the pain of the Latin woman.
- Oh my God... I'm so sorry I put you through all this, Calliope.
Time seemed to have stopped, the blonde was stroking Callie's back trying to calm her down. Huddled in Arizona's arms, gently rocking her, Callie shed the tears she had always kept for herself. When she stepped away from the embrace, Arizona was looking at her. An infinite tenderness was reflected in the wet blue eyes expressing all the regrets of having been the one who at one time had made suffer.
Reducing the tiny space that separated them, their mouths were looking each other for eyes, tasting their salty tears, their lips gently touch for one brief moment. Then the two hesitant women step back slightly, looking at each other intensely for half a second and pushed by an irresistible attraction their mouths unite in a passionate kiss.
When they separate, black eyes drowning in the blue eyes, Calliope removes the blonde's splint. Barely freed, Arizona lifts her ex-wife's sweater exposing the breasts she had prevented her from dreaming of for days. She pushes Callie back on the couch and buried her head in her neck, breathing deeply the perfume that she had recognized from the first days, now understanding why it had left an indelible mark in her rebellious spirit.
- Arizona, wait... wait. What are we doing? Whispers Callie. The blonde raises questioning eyes towards the brunette ... And your girlfriend?... Arizona you have a girlfriend...
- What? Moaned Arizona. No, I don't have any more! Oh crap, I forgot to tell you. I ended it with Carina. The blonde answers as her lips slide down the brunette's body, to cover her breasts with kisses through the lace of her bra.
- You broke up? … When?
- Do we really have to get into this, now? Laments Arizona, deftly releasing her ex-wife's breasts.
- You're right The Latin woman giggles at the excitement of the blonde who was moaning and kissing her.
- On the night at Joe's bar... The blonde said finally between kisses
- Oh, at the same time as I do with Penny?
Annoyed by her ex-wife's disruptions, Arizona stopped everything she was doing, and bewildered, looks at Callie
- Could you forget that part of our lives for now, Calliope.
The Latin woman suddenly gets up from the couch carrying Arizona in her arms.
- Calliope!? What... what are you doing?
- I'm taking this to the bedroom. Trust me, that's gonna be unforgettable. What do you think about making us new unforgettable memories?
Thanks for reading