Disclaimer: Characters belong to Shonda Rhimes and Grey's anatomy.

Chapter 18 "Memories are useless, but they keep you warm."

It was still dark; Arizona opened her eyes.
In the sheets crumpled by their hugs, the body still wrapped around her, the Latin woman breathed loudly; and this regular purring was strangely soothing.
She did not recall having ever experienced such a symbiosis in any of the intimate relationships that she kept the memory in her damaged mind. But she'd probably done it by now.
Calliope knew everything about her; of her desires and her needs. All night long, she knew how to make her lose her mind.
Delicately caressing the copper skin with a softness like none other, the blonde giggles silently, so, that was the so-called «Wow», the famous revelation.
She frowns at the unpleasant realization that has just titillated her mind, spoiling the perfection of that moment.
She would now increase this tiny percentage of cases that don't fully recover their memory, because there were no options left.
Even that wonderful moment that she had certainly shared many times with her ex-wife had not brought back anything in her dissolved memory.
She will never remember a whole part of her life, of her happiness, because happiness is not told, it is lived.

She will never remember their first kiss, their first night. The emotion of a sentence said with eyes in eyes; a silence laden of meaning, or having thrown oneself into each other's arms, eager to give one another.
Nor will she remember these conversations all night long, huddling close together and watching the early morning coming, without having slept yet. Because sleeping means splitting up. Or having walked all night hand in hand on the sidewalks of the city, just to prolong the moment together.

She will not remember the indulgent looks placed on the other when you do not really agree, but you know that she cannot do another way, because you know her, you understand her and you love her even with her flaws, her inconsistencies, and her difficulties.
She'll never remember why she came all this way, what her life was like with Calliope for the last ten years and why she wanted to be there.
Nor will she remember wounds, sorrows, fear, regret and forgiveness.

A whole part of her story with Callie had been taken away from her and she will never be able to catch up with it, because emotions are not told either, they are felt. They build us and give us the meaning of our lives and our actions.

This thought being suddenly encrusted in the blonde's mind, she moves with discomfort. Disturbed in her sleep, Callie also moves slightly grunting. She holds the blonde's body harder as if even in her sleep, she guessed the questions that would confound Arizona's spirit.

What if these ten years suddenly erased, were not unintentionally. If deep down, her subconscious had knowingly invented this subterfuge so that she could imagine a new life, away from mistakes, guilt and pain.

What if this is the opportunity for a second rebirth? If this, was the only way she had found to wash herself of all the impurities she had felt, of the filth she had worn on her like a shabby coat, that kept reminding her of the small wickedness and bad choices.
And if it was only to forget this behavior that had been told to her and that seemed to her to be someone else's life, or this painful contempt that Callie had confessed having made weigh on her, because of her inability to understand and forgive her.

And if it was only to protect herself from the pain inflicted and felt in this incredible love story that she would rather remain in ignorance.

Virgin of any good or bad experience, this would then be an opportunity for her to start a new life with the innocence, illusions and naive dreams of those who have not been touched by heartache.
It would be an opportunity to reconnect with love, to rediscover the passion of the beginning of a meeting and finally to know how to enjoy life to the fullest again, without Meredith's voice resounding in her head like an anguishing jingle. "You don't know how to resist yourself, but together you suffer, then you leave and you hurt yourself."

What if her breaking point was to no longer know how to love and be able to give herself, as Carina had suggested.

And if she still made Calliope suffer, because she could never love her at the level she needed.

Of course, if it was; then that theory took Callie out of the equation. Their past was so heavy that her ex-wife still could not, after years of separation, evoke it without tears.
She was lucky enough not to remember. But Calliope knew even the most sordid details of their history, and she had made it clear, she had had a hard time forgiving.

As for her, how could she forgive something when she did not know exactly what to forgive, when she did not understand in spite of everything that her ex-wife had told her, what could have led them to a situation such cruelly inexorable.

She would have liked to believe blindly in Callie's explanations, in her regrets and tears, and in her big sad eyes; but it lacked something essential for understanding, it lacked her own memories, her own feeling.

Maybe this whole thing was just a decoy from her mind to force her to finally close that book, and be able to take control of her life again.

The blonde grabs her phone; she looks at the time. It was 4 in the morning in Seattle, so it was noon in Germany. Slowly, she frees herself from Callie's embrace, and gets up from the bed to join the kitchen and make a coffee.

Sitting on the couch, she was staring at her phone. Teddy was a very good friend to her, she remembered it perfectly now, but she wasn't used to sharing her innermost thoughts. In relationships, she was a good listener, but when it came to sharing her own worries, it was difficult for the blonde, including with her friends.
She giggles silently, realizing that it was even with the woman she had married...

She pressed the contact of the cardiologist who had left for Germany.

- Hey, Arizona, you finally decided to be a good friend and call me once in a while... Laughs Teddy on the other side.

Seizing the barely disguised reproach of her friend, the blonde raises her eyes to heaven, this introduction was not going to help her much.

- Hi, uh... are you okay? Her voice was imbued with her worries.

- Wow... what's the matter with you? What did Callie Torres do to you, this time?

- I... No ... Nothing... She didn't do anything wrong... Why do you say that?...

- Arizona, I know this voice... It sounds like "I love her...but"

- No, there is no "but".

Uncomfortable,the blonde scraped her throat. She had once again, the confirmation from another of their relatives, that her history with her ex-wife had been more than complicated and that suffering had not only been on the brunette's sides.

- Oh, you're finally admitting that you still love her... Across the line, the cardiologist was laughing, while the blonde was wincing, realizing that it wasn't just Calliope who knew her well

- Oh my Gosh, don't say that, Teddy... I fell and I lost the memory of the ten years I spent in Seattle, and then after a few days that came back, except for Calliope.

- But how could such a thing be only possible? Laughs the cardiologist incredulous. There had been so many tragedies in her two friends' lives that what the blonde said could only be a joke in Teddy's eyes. Callie was everywhere in your life over the last ten years. I mean, even when you weren't together- together, you know what I mean, well, she was still around you or at least in your head.

- Yeah, well, she's not there anymore. I can't see her anywhere anymore; and you know, she came back from New York the minute she heard about my accident and she took care of me, all the time. And since she's been with me, she is so ... so thoughtful and awesome, but you know, at one point she needed to get away from me anyway, and I wonder if...

- Of course, she looked after you Arizona! That's what you two always do. I mean it's Callie and it's you! The cardiologist didn't understand that her friend couldn't see this obviousness. Look, Arizona, you can fall in love, and forget that you fell in love, but when you love someone the way you have, you never stop loving each other. I'm sure you would have jumped on the first plane for her as well.

- Yeah, I hope so; but even that, you see, I can't be sure. All I know about myself is what she told me but, I feel confused... I know that I love her and I feel like I have loved her madly even desperately but...

- See, there is the «but» ...

- But I feel like I've been so horrible! I can't figure out how I became that person and I need someone else to tell me how we were together. Because I still don't believe that's who I am, and maybe... Well ... maybe we have a toxic love relationship with each other and that led us both having behaviors ... Uh how could I say?... So inappropriate and incredibly hurtful

The cardiologist sensing the severity of her friend's tone was no longer inclined to joke

- Does Callie know you don't remember her...

- Yeah...

- Oh, dear God... She must be mad at you!

- She doesn't! This is what everyone says! I cannot get it. Everybody still feels like she's going crazy! But yet she's awesome and understanding and maybe she's suffering in silence. I feel like that's what we used to do together. You know, like if we kept stuff inside, and then, suddenly, we blew them up and we destroyed everything. I don't know... I have no idea about who I am with her...and I... I don't know who she is either... I don't know anything about us anymore, except that I hurt her and maybe I just keep doing it, and… And I don't want to hurt her again. And if I forgot her, maybe it's because she too...

- Act like you're getting to know each other... Suggests Teddy... like you just met her for the first time

- But this is not possible! Because she's got it all in her head; all the harm we've done to each other. And I feel like it's mostly me, even though she feels like it's mostly her. Oh shit, it's... it's so complex... it's...

- Come on, you guys were great together! For me, you and Callie were the perfect couple. Still there for one another. I mean, I was there practically at the beginning, and of course you had disagreements, but at the end of the day you always found each other, because between you, it was no-brainer. You were inevitable to each other. Teddy, could hear the doubt expressed through the blonde's silence.
Arizona, when her father rejected her homosexuality, you went after him while you guys were barely dating for a few weeks, and you told him your whole story about the good man in the storm, you even told him that you loved his daughter. I mean, the man doesn't seem friendly, yet he changed his mind on the spot.

- Oh, I did that?

- Yeah, you see! And even for your wedding, with her mother's attitude...

- What happened with her mother?

- She didn't tell you that? Her mother turned her down. She didn't attend the wedding and told her some pretty harsh things, and I don't think they've gotten back in touch since then.

- Oh, damn it. You see and I've rejected her for long after the plane crash, and even now she feels like my subconscious is rejecting her. Her mother rejected her, her wife rejected her. Maybe, that's why she felt bad and even needed to get away, and now her ex-wife rejects her.

- Oh, fucking! Stop with that shrink stuff!... Arizona, stop torturing yourself, and love Callie the way you always have. Her mother threw her out, all right... but you didn't. For that too you were by her side.
And how about the car accident! Oh fuck! I remember the car accident. You couldn't let her even for a second. There was no way to get you out of this room. You haven't slept in a bed until she woke up from the coma. You sat next to her, holding her hand, waiting for a sign. And ... Teddy bursts into laughter thinking about these hard times that could lead to laughter today because at the end, things have been okay... Even during her rehabilitation, oh my God, she was so impatient, she was hellish, she had fired four physical therapists in a month, and you kept defending her and looking for physical therapists who could deal with her.
Arizona smiled; she pictured the scene so well, that she was overwhelmed by strong emotion. When she lost confidence, you were there for her, you were the only one who could convince her that everything was going to be fine, and make her laugh... You've supported her every step of the way. Arizona, believe me, what you both have from the very beginning, is outstanding.

Arizona would have liked to be lulled by that lovely story, but what she wanted was explanations about these incessant breakups or pauses whatever the way we wanted to call them.

- But then... Why did I go to Africa leaving her in an airport? How can you do that to someone you love? No one does that. Why did she forget about me so fast and sleep with Mark? Why didn't I really want to commit?

- Listen, back then, you and Callie were arguing about the driver of the car.

Unable to grasp the analogy, Arizona opened her eyes wide.

- What?

- I mean, you two weren't going in the same direction, but you desperately wanted to stay in the same car, so you were fighting over the steering wheel. And Callie always wanted to drive much faster than you, and often drive recklessly, and that scared you. The cardiologist bursts out laughing... Don't you remember telling me that you were afraid to open your eyes whenever you felt she was watching you sleep.

- No, I'm telling you, I don't remember any of this.

- You were afraid of anything that could come out of her mouth... Fear that she would want a child, or marry you; and you were so not ready for that ... It must be said that Torres does not take half measure when she wants something, or someone. I think so much love and change in your life scared you, too. You know, I felt like no one had ever taken up that much space in your life, and it terrified you... You know, the fear of not being up to it... Arizona grimaces, what the cardiologist was describing was exactly how she felt right now... You just wanted to take it easy on her. You didn't need anything other but her.
Yeah, Callie was driving a Formula One car, and you wanted to drive a sedan. So, Africa, well, I guess this was your opportunity to slow things down. But when you came back, you were clearly ready for Formula One, because life without her seemed absolutely impossible to you, and I'm not telling you how bad she was without you.

- Yet she says that when we did couple therapy, I regretted coming back and I blamed her for not giving me any time, and even I regretted being trapped by her pregnancy...

- Oh no, I don't think you regretted it. You would never have regretted something that brought Sofia into your life. You fought like a lioness for that child. But truly, that was no easy task.
At first Mark didn't make it easy for you and Callie didn't really realize it. She didn't always back you in that infernal threesome you made. You were having a hard time with that thing with her and Mark, and they didn't spare you. You couldn't find your place, and yet you overcame everything out of love for Callie and Sofia. But I think it may have left a loss of self- confidence in you, which must have worsened with the amputation.

-That sounds like a Theodora's psychoanalytical analysis? Laughs the blonde

- Dating a shrink for months leaves some traces... Teddy also laughed ... Arizona, in your history I can't deny that you hurt each other, but you've always been there to get through the worst and to support each other as well. Even when it seemed to be over between both of you, you still let Sofia go with her to New York, and I don't think it was neither for your own good nor for Sofia's.
But, it's true that after the crash I wasn't in Seattle and you weren't answering my calls, so I don't know any more than what Callie was telling me. I figured it was hard enough for you and between the two of you, but I saw you guys, love each other so much that I thought you'd get over it too

- Apparently, you were wrong

- Or not... Teddy sneers... Didn't she jump on the first plane as soon as she found out you were in a coma?

The blonde sniffs. She loved the always cardiologist's pragmatic approach.

- Yeah, you're right...Arizona was pensive. Teddy, when are you coming back to Seattle? I miss you so much...

- Sometimes you need to stay away from the people you love to survive and hope that one day you will find them.

- Oh, I get it. Owen is your Arizona, then.

- Or he is my Calliope. Haven't you unconsciously deleted everything about her to survive without her and maybe now is the time to find her.

- For Christ's sake, Teddy stops dating shrinks...

Both surgeons laughed out loud and promising to visit soon, Teddy leaves Arizona with those last words in mind.

She'd been sitting on the couch for hours, brooding over the various conversations she'd had about her past.
Teddy's version had done her good, but Meredith's words were still haunted her, when Callie's footsteps were heard

- Hey you. You woke up early. Says the Latin woman with a smile, giving the blonde a chaste kiss on her forehead. I... I thought maybe we could hang out in bed this morning. You loved it before...

- I... I don't know what I liked or disliked, Callie. Interrupts Arizona dryly, startled herself by her tone

- What has gotten into you? I said... or do something wrong?...

- And if we have made a mistake, Calliope... I mean, it never worked between us even when we both had all the cards in hand, and right now, there's only one deck of cards and you're the one handing it out. You're the only one who drives the car and ... I mean it's... Sorry, I ... I'm confusing myself with metaphors.
And if we put that great friendship in jeopardy because no matter how much we want it, we can't make it work... You said there were some pretty rough things between us and I don't really know... And it's not like it will be the first time... I mean we've already failed! Apparently, we don't know how to resist each other and then we hurt each other and we split up, and we hurt each other again...

- Oh no, here we go again... The questions, the hesitations, the "why", the "how", and the "what if". Arizona! What if in the end, all these questions were not helpful! This has nothing to do with your amnesia, I've always known you with more hesitation, more questions than certainties. You're always doing that...

- Because you always drive too fast! And it's scary!

- What?

- It's easy for you, because you remember everything. And I'm still missing something to feel good enough. A penis, one leg and now memories. Callie glares fearfully at the blonde, she certainly did not expect such an awakening after the dream night they had just spent... You... You know all the things we went through. Awesome times and awful times, and apparently for you, right now it's still worth it. But until when? What if I still didn't know how to give you what you want. What if you thought that you finally got to forgive me and you still didn't? I don't know anything about that. What if my memory came back and I could not forgive either? How would that be like for Sofia? And for us. You...you left me and then you left me again and this time it was worse because you even needed to get away from me to survive. And what about Sofia?... I... I don't want to be separated from Sofia anymore, and even...

-Wow... I can't do this again... you know what, I can't do it anymore. I... I'm sorry, Arizona, I can't take it again. You're right. Let's consider it a mistake or our farewell night, whatever you want. The Latina giggles bitterly. It was always less sad than the last one, anyway.

-See, I don't even know what you're talking about, right now. Our last night I'll never remember it. How can I get out of this if I know so little of our past?

Shaking her head, the Latina looks sadly at her ex-wife, disappointed to find themselves once again at the point of retrieval

-Yeah... Maybe there was a way, but you had to trust me, and apparently that's still the point, you still can't.

Devastated, she recovers her stuff and leaves home.

Thanks for reading and not hating me