Pure, unadulterated chaos. Those were the only words I could think of to describe the scene that awaited Natsu and I when we arrived back at the penthouse. Natsu was more reserved than usual, but offered his assistance in case I needed help walking. Exhaustion from the past day had fully set in and I gladly accepted the help. With my left arm around his shoulders, and his right around my waist, we made our way slowly to the elevator - both of us using the wall for support on the ride to the top floor - then to the familiar blue door. And that is precisely where my respite ended.
Said blue door was flung open when we were mere steps away, revealing an extremely worried and pissed off Igneel.
"Where in the absolute fuck have… you… been?" His raised voice lowered to just above a whisper as he took in our appearance. Well, mine, anyway, since aside from being tired, Natsu looked fine. "What the hell happened?"
Igneel stepped aside to allow Natsu and I in, shutting the door behind us. Not that being inside made anything better, as the eyes of pretty much everyone I was close to were turned towards us. All of the Zodiacs - minus Crux, who was likely sleeping somewhere - plus almost all of mine and Natsu's close friends, as well as my uncle and cousin and two more people I didn't know were standing or sitting in the living room. As spacious as the floorplan is, I had no clue how so many people were able to fit.
"What are you all doing here?" Natsu asked in lieu of answering his dad's question.
"Waiting on answers as to what the hell happened today," Laxus answered gruffly. I could tell he was still angry with me, but if I read the look in his eyes correctly, his ire was far overshadowed by worry.
"Well, I spent a few hours at the hospital getting patched up and answering questions," I told him with all the snark I could muster, which wasn't much compared to my usual levels, "and then Natsu drove us home."
The sound of Natsu's chuckles beside me was music to my ears at that point, but no one else in the room seemed to appreciate my sense of humor. Bad timing? Maybe, but someone had to break the tension.
"I think I may owe a few people apologies for my behavior yesterday," I added, since no one else seemed inclined to talk just yet.
"Not tonight, you don't," Natsu said firmly. "We need to get you fed, and then you're going to get some sleep." That pained look returned to his face, and he leaned slightly closer to whisper to me - a feat in and of itself, since we were still holding onto each other, and his support was most of the reason I was able to stand. "I mean… you can do it now if you want to, but I know you didn't rest at the hospital. It's not really up to me, though; I don't… it's not my say. I'm sorry. I don't want you to think I'm trying to run your life… I promise I'm not trying to be overbearing."
"Natsu," I sighed softly, leaning my left cheek against his shoulder, then flinching at my own actions. "You're not overbearing, and you are right - I should get something to eat and then rest." I turned to address everyone else in the room, a few of whom seemed a little more rosy than usual. "I really am sorry for all the trouble I caused today. I could have handled it a lot better than I did, but I had a reason for everything I've done in the past eighteen-ish hours. If we could just… deal with this after Natsu and I have had some rest, that would be great. If not, someone is going to need to make a lot of coffee - not me, because I don't even have the energy to stand here much longer."
"Gray and Juvia left a little while ago to pick up food. They should be returning soon." Erza came forward to inform us from the other side of the room. "Would you like some help getting cleaned up before you eat?"
It had taken a lot of work these past three months to begin accepting help from my friends again. I had to remind myself that they genuinely cared about me and wanted to help, and that their offers were out of love instead of some sense of obligation. As soon as I agreed, I was whisked away from Natsu's warm embrace by Erza and another woman while Cana, Wendy, and Levy set about their Erza-assigned tasks.
Much to my surprise, I was not led into my room, but the one belonging to Natsu's brother and sister-in-law. They sat me down in the salon chair as the woman introduced herself as Mavis - Natsu's sister-in-law - before she began tending to my hair. The familiar smell of vinegar filled my nose; I almost asked why before I remembered Natsu doing the same thing when he first washed my hair this way. It wasn't until that moment that I remembered that two men had been shot while standing next to me, and their blood had splattered on and soaked into my hair.
Soon we were joined by the others, who brought in fresh clothes for me. As my friends helped me out of my torn and bloody clothing, I felt like I had returned to the time years ago when the maids were preparing me to attend my first big event. They gently washed the dried blood off my skin with warm, damp washcloths. At no point during this did I feel that I deserved their care.
Since the hospital staff was more worried about my head and anything that was bleeding, my bruises went untreated and left to darken. Which they did. A lot. Wendy soothed away some of the pain, rubbing a healing salve onto them before I was helped by Levy and Cana into the warmth of my softest pajamas. Once I was clean and dressed, Mavis - who really did have ridiculously long hair - and Erza brushed my hair out and weaved it into a loose braid.
During all of this, not one of them pushed for information of what I had been through. Part of me wanted at least one of them to ask - or demand - answers about what I had done, or what I was thinking, or details of what had happened, but there was nothing of the sort. When they were done, however, I was grateful that they had left me alone; I'll tell them sooner or later, but not yet.
Mavis grabbed my hand as the others left the room, holding me back so she could speak to me privately.
"Please be patient with him, Lucy. Natsu thinks he let you down by not protecting you today. You and I know that is not the case, but he still feels responsible."
"Did Natsu tell you that?" I wondered when he would have had a chance to talk to her today, since he only left me a few times at the hospital, but never for very long.
Her soft laughter broke me from my thoughts.
"He didn't have to," she giggled again. "I've known Natsu since he was just an adventurous little boy; I could tell from the way he spoke to you, and the way he looked at you." Mavis gave a wistful sigh. "Natsu has always had such a big heart, and he is fiercely protective - as I'm sure you've seen. Whatever happened yesterday scared him more than I've ever seen before. He is vulnerable right now, and cautious. It will pass, as it always does; I'm just asking that you give him the time he needs to come to terms with whatever is sitting so heavy in that heart of his."
After giving me a small squeeze, she released my hand, and we made our way back to the living room just in time for Gray and Juvia to walk through the door with - hopefully - enough food for everyone. Gray sent me a look that let me know he was still angry and disappointed, but that was to be expected.
That seemed to be the default expression almost everyone was giving me - anger, frustration, disappointment. Several wore pity instead, which just added to my own frustration. And then there was Natsu; his eyes lit just slightly when they met mine, and the sad smile he gave me let me know that Mavis was right. He needed time.
At his silent request, I sat next to Natsu while we ate. Conversation flowed around us, and our friends tried to get answers from both of us a few times. Their efforts were futile, since Natsu didn't have the answers they were looking for, and I did not really have the energy for talking. A fact which became evident when I started to fall asleep with my right cheek pressed against Natsu's shoulder.
"Do you want some help getting to bed?" Natsu's question was whispered softly into my ear after at least the fifth try at nudging me awake.
"Yeah," I replied, making no move to rise from my comfortable place tucked against his side.
Natsu let out a soft laugh as he helped me to my feet, letting the room full of people know we were turning in for the evening. He supported me as he had when we arrived home and walked me through the multitude of people towards our rooms.
"I like Mavis, she's sweet." A slight quirk of the mouth and a grunt that sounded like agreement confirmed something that had been on my mind off and on for hours. I waited until we were in my room with the door closed before I asked my question. As far as I'm concerned, this was just between us, and not anyone else's business. "On a scale of bell pepper to habanero, how mad are you?"
"Right now, I'm still shocked and relieved that you're alive." Natsu ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "If I were to make a guess, I'd say it's going to be ghost pepper range when I wake up."
"Are we…" I bit my lower lip, rolling it in my teeth as I thought of whether it was even okay to ask such a selfish question as Natsu pulled back the covers so I could slide into my bed. "Are we going to be alright?"
"I think so." He placed a kiss on my forehead, lingering for a few breaths. My eyes closed as his fingers stroked my hair, before he pulled away. "Yesterday was a lot for you, and you need to take some time to process it. We've got some things to talk about and work out, but not until after you're doing better - both physically and mentally. Okay?"
"Yeah." My eyelids were getting heavy again, and I wanted to ask Natsu to stay with me, but I already knew he wouldn't. It would only serve to hurt us both for me to ask and be denied, so I held my tongue.
"Goodnight, Lucy." Natsu was already at my door, turning out the light when he spoke.
"Goodnight, Natsu."
With a soft click, my bedroom door closed, and I was finally allowed to get some much-needed sleep.
I may have broken my clock when the alarm I had set to go off early every Monday morning to run started blaring in my ear less than an hour after I had fallen asleep. Vague memories of me flinging it across my room surfaced when I managed to open my eyes enough to try to check the time. Everything hurt, and I was only able to fully open my right eye, but I managed to pull myself onto my side enough to switch on the small lamp on my nightstand. Searching the room, I saw that, yes, my clock did smash against the far wall, leaving a decent dent between the doors to my closet and bathroom.
With my clock in pieces and my phone likely still at the estate, I got dressed so that I could safely venture towards the kitchen - I would have normally avoided changing out of my pajamas, but I had no idea whether or not I would be exiting my bedroom to be greeted by a room full of people. The process was slower than I would have liked, but I managed to not fall down or rip open any stitches, so at least there's one thing in the win column for me.
"Finally!" Loke's voice was as dramatic as ever when I stepped into the living room. "I thought you were going to sleep forever, and I was getting bored. A little longer, and I would've had to see if I could wake you up with a kiss, just like all handsome princes do in fairy tales."
Usually, I would have shot back a comment about his lips not being allowed anywhere near me, but I did not have the energy or mental capacity to engage in a battle of wits. Or even enough to give a sliver of snark. There was just nothing there; no sarcasm, no excitement or disappointment, just nothing. Well, nothing except my stomach demanding to be fed, which is where I directed my feet to go after sending a quick greeting to Loke.
"Princess?" I heard him call at me, but just kept on my route. He was closer when he said my name, but I continued on… not that I had far to go. My progress was halted by his sudden presence directly in front of me, though he didn't say anything for a few moments while he studied my eyes. "Right."
He sighed, but stepped out of my way, finally allowing me to seek out food. If you could call it food, anyway. It was just a handful of saltines, since that was all my stomach would tolerate; I really wanted ice cream, but that wasn't going to happen.
After cleaning up what little mess had been made, I sat myself on my favorite chair in the living room. Restrictions on my activities were lighter this time, since my concussion was mild, but instead of turning on some TV show or movie, or even playing music, I merely sat there. My eyes grew unfocused as I remembered everything that had happened yesterday. Every scene played itself out again and again, and though I technically only saw him fall over the balcony, I knew that Bora was dead. That particular memory started to loop as I analyzed everything that had happened, and I spent some time wondering if my actions of self-defense made me a murderer.
"Oh, no." Loke cut through my musings; until he spoke, I had forgotten he was even here. He pushed a glass into my hands before I had a chance to ask what he was doing in the penthouse in the first place, since it had not occurred to me when I first saw him. "I know that look, and you're not going down that road alone. Talk." There was the briefest hint of a pause before he added, "and drink, 'cause gods know you probably need it right about now."
"I'm not supposed to drink alcohol when I have a concussion," I informed him as I took my first sip. The familiar warmth of Natsu's whiskey burns down my throat. "What do you want me to talk about?"
"Whatever is putting that look on your face." He took his own sip of the fiery liquid. "If I were to wager a guess, I'd say it has something to do with the three deaths you witnessed yesterday."
"I guess."
He studied me for a few minutes while we drank. It had been a while since I saw him look so serious; I know, in the past, I would have felt something at that revelation, but not this time. There was no sadness that someone I considered a friend was upset. Digging deeper, I found no relief or joy that the hell I had been through was over; no calm or overwhelming panic. Just… nothingness. I could feel that nothing lodged into my heart, reaching out with icy tendrils until it enveloped every part of my soul.
"Yeah, you guess." Bitterness was heavy in his tone. "Lucy, how do you usually deal with trauma?"
My unamused snort answered his question better than any words would have.
"Thought so. That numbness you feel, it's a defense mechanism. Your mind is trying to protect you; you're fragile right now, and your brain has decided that you're not ready to process it." I bristled at the suggestion that I was unable to handle what had happened. "But, you see, I think you've been pushing all this shit down far too long, and it's time to process it out. All of it."
"And how do you propose I do that?"
"Talking and alcohol. And hopefully we can finish it out before Natsu gets home."
No answer was given when I asked why, instead my glass was filled again. And again. And again. Every time Loke put more liquid in the glass, I would drink it down until my brain - and every other part of my body - felt fuzzy, and my tongue was adequately loose. While I don't remember much, I know I talked, and screamed, and cried, and at some point I heard the front door slam.
Some time later I came to, surrounded by a warmth that had become so familiar as of late. Soft light filtered into the room, and for a few moments, I thought the past two days were just an extremely vivid nightmare. Not wanting to get up just yet, but needing to make myself more comfortable, I shifted my position. Natsu's arm slid across my bandaged stomach when I moved, and the pain that bloomed from my small movement and that gentle touch reminded me of my reality. That and the nausea which came with the pain, reminding me that I drank far too much.
"Sorry," Natsu slurred into my hair, his voice thick with sleep. "I didn't mean to fall asleep."
Disappointment filled me as he peeled himself from his position pressed against me. With great care, I managed to roll onto my back to look up at him.
"How're you doing?"
"Hurt," I somehow managed to answer, though my throat was so dry and scratchy, it felt like I had swallowed a sand dune. Moving my tongue around in my mouth, I tried to conjure up some sort of moisture as I sat up and glanced around. "We're in my room?"
"Uh, yeah." At least he and I have the same level of eloquence when we wake up. Natsu then explained his discontent - his word, not mine - when he arrived home after work to find me drunk, freezing and practically catatonic on the chair in the living room, with a passed-out-drunk Loke sprawled on the couch. "I knew you wouldn't want to spend the night sleeping in that chair, so I brought you in here. The only response I got from you the whole time was you grabbing my wrist after I got you settled in. So… so I… Well, I stayed. Obviously. Sorry if I overstepped; I didn't really want to leave you alone in that state, and was just planning on sitting in your chair, but… yeah."
I probably could have stopped myself from giggling at him - and should have, as it pulled uncomfortably at my stitches and smiling gave me a renewed awareness of the bruise on my face - but it felt good, too.
"Has anyone ever told you how adorable you are when you monologue?"
"Once," he said with a gentle smile on his face. "Still think you're using the wrong word there."
"You are allowed to think what you want, even if you're wrong." A comfortable quiet settled around us, and we both allowed it to linger a few moments before I broke it. "Thank you for bringing me to my room. And… for staying. You didn't have to."
"When have I ever done anything for you because I had to?" It was barely more than a whisper as he raised one hand to push an unruly bit of hair back away from my face.
He lingered there, twirling his fingers around the strands as we looked into each other's eyes. I leaned just a little closer, and as soon as I did, Natsu pulled away from me.
"I…" He looked almost panicked, and I wanted nothing more than to soothe away whatever had him so spooked. But I knew it was me, and there was nothing I could do except give him space. "There's some aspirin and water on your nightstand." Natsu gestured next to me. "You should probably eat; I'll bring breakfast to you in a little while? You might want to rest a bit more… I'll be back to check on you soon."
I performed a feat of great strength after that, managing to get down a few pills and half of the glass of water before the tears flowed freely down my cheeks. The hangover I could deal with, but at that moment I found myself longing for the numbness I had felt the previous afternoon; as much as it sucked feeling absolutely nothing, it sure did beat the hell out of the pain that came when Natsu walked away.
I had intended for this chapter to be fluffy, but instead it is just angst and trauma. Sorry, Dear Readers, y'all deserve better. BUT! It's not over yet, so there is always that little sliver of hope.
Thanks to those who fave/followed, and to CopperReign12 - the only person who commented on the previous chapter.
TTFN, Loveliies