DC: don't own it

Thanks to my reviewers

Sorry it's taken so long, I've been busy with re-writing a Wicked fic and some original work I just started. Oh, and Fatal Frame 3. I've been addicted to it. Unfortunately the final ghost boss lady person is laying the beat down on me. She's fast (really REALLY cool looking) and I can't seem to hit her with a fatal frame (arg! It makes me long for the simplicity of the Kusabi in FF2) Anyway that's why it's taking so long to update.

Sadly I just realized like two seconds ago that the dividers I put in between the scenes aren't there. So if that was causing anyone confusion, I'm terribly sorry.

Chapter 7,

Lily didn't go to the order meeting the next day. When James called her she said that she must have eaten something that disagreed with her. She spent the entire day in bed, only getting out to go to the bathroom and then to grab a nice pint of double fudge ice cream.

By the end of the day her ice cream was gone and there were tissues all around. She had slept off and on all day while she watched daytime soaps. As seven o'clock rolled around she was bored and miserable. A deadly combination.

She wanted Voldemort to come but whether it was to be near him or to kick the snot out of him she didn't know. She wanted him to feel as miserable as she did. After pondering for hours about what she was most ashamed of, she came to the conclusion that she was ashamed that she was still thinking about the good times with him.

Slowly she got out of bed and shuffled to the bathroom. She had just turned on the shower when there was a knock on the door. She turned the water off and trudged to the door. When she opened it she saw James.

"Hey," he said. He was holding a bottle of medicine.

"Hi." Lily said. Her nose was stuffy, helping her sick lie.

"How are you feeling?"

"I feel like somebody is doing a tap-dance on my head." Lily answered honestly. She knew that the headache was from crying but she wasn't about to tell James that.

"I brought you some medicine, if you need it."

"You're sweet." Lily said with a weak smile. "But I took some earlier."

"Were you sleeping?" James asked. Lily shrugged.

"Off and on."

"Sorry if I woke you."

"Nah, I needed to get up anyway."

"Are you okay?" James asked. Lily shrugged.

"I'm sick but I'm fine."

"I mean about the attack." Lily sat down heavily.

"I guess." She answered after thinking about it. "I mean I think I'm still recovering from shock."

"Dumbledore figured as much. He didn't swallow the sick story. He was like the only one though. I figured it was more of a cold."

"James," Lily said looking at her feet, "I don't know if I can be in The Order."

"Why?"

"I don't think I'm up to it. I mean fell apart last night."

"Lils, the dark lord held a wand to your head and nearly killed you. I don't want to meet the person that is okay after that." Lily sighed. James put an arm around her and offered her his shoulder. Lily took his invitation and rested her head comfortably. They sat like that for a few minutes.

"How's everyone?" Lily asked.

"Well, Sirius is fine. Frank had a whole revelation and realized that life is too short so he proposed to Alice. They'll be getting married this December."

"I can't believe its fall already." Lily said

"Sirius is throwing a Halloween party at his new flat. Will you come?"

"Yeah, I'll come." Lily promised. "Costumes?"

"Lily, it's Sirius."

"I'm not going to dress up like a whore." Lily warned. James laughed.

"As much as Paddy would like that, I'd kill him if he stared." Lily smiled.

---

After James left Lily was finally able to take her shower.

Afterwards, however, she wasn't able to go to bed as there was someone sitting on it.

"You know you really shouldn't do that!" Lily panted as Voldemort helped her up. She had jumped, tripped over her feet and landed in the hall.

"You didn't answer when I knocked." Voldemort said as if he was justified.

"I could have been naked you know!"

"Yes, I know but alas I am not so fortunate." Lily pushed him.

"Perv."

"I am but a man."

"You're lucky you've got a pretty face."

"Or rather had." Voldemort said dryly. "I'm afraid the looks have faded." Lily studied his face for a moment. Compared to the photograph of him as a teenager she had once seen, he looked slightly different. His nose wasn't as long, his hair was a little thinner and his eyes were red instead of deep brown.

"So what brings you here?"

"I want to be your boyfriend." Voldemort said casually. Lily sighed as she brushed her hair.

"I don't think we can work." She said quietly. Voldemort stood.

"Why?" he asked calmly.

"Because I can't keep lying." Lily said putting her brush down. "I'm an honest person by nature."

"It's Potter."

"No it's not Potter!" Lily said loudly. "It's everything else!" Voldemort walked over to her.

"If it's what you want." He said quietly. "You know I cannot deny you." He kissed her hand and then apparated.

Lily sighed and sat on her bed. She would never be free of his spell.

The next day during auror training she noticed that the class was divided about what had happened in The City. Over half of the class was still shaken up. The remaining was pumped up and thirsty for revenge. Lily wasn't either, mainly because nobody had the dilemma she had.

"Lily!" it was Alice. She sat down happily. "Look, Frank proposed!"

"I know, James told me. I'm so happy for you!"

"You'll come to the wedding won't you?"

"Of course." Alice smiled. Her smile faded a bit.

"Are you going to continue? After what happened last class?" Lily sighed.

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I am."

"What do you mean pretty sure?" Sirius asked sitting on Lily's desk. "Don't you want to kick Voldie's ass for what he did?"

'You have no idea' Lily thought to herself. "I guess I've just been thinking about things."

"You're eighteen! What could you possibly have to think about?"

"Well if I want to get married and have kids some day. I mean when we were attacked the reality of the danger in this job just suddenly hit me and…I don't want to end up like Moody."

"I assure you, Miss Evans, that there is nothing wrong with me!" Moody growled from nearby. Lily looked at him.

"I don't mean any offense, sir, but I don't think you could have been this shell shocked all your life."

When the lunch break came James sat with Lily.

"What were you talking about earlier? I mean what do you mean you don't want to do this?"

"I want to do this, but I'm just struggling with myself." Lily said biting into her salad.

"Lils, everybody is having trouble with what happened, in one way or another. Sirius nearly crapped his pants and he threw up when we got home. Frank has had nightmares and Alice is jumpy. And honestly I am to. I keep thinking that there's something behind me. But if we quit, we're letting him win!" James sighed. "We have an order meeting tonight. I hope you'll come."

Lily sighed. "I don't know, I'll try to make it." James patted her shoulder and began eating his lunch.

"We need to advance as soon as possible. Our informants tell us that the death eaters are planning an attack in Kent. We need to stop their attack. This one will be big, Alastor," Moody looked up at his old friend, "how far along are the new trainees that have joined?"

"Those that have joined this organization are high in their class. They are the only few that have been able to cope with the surprise attack on the last testing day." Moody paused. "Will it be that big?"

"Yes, Voldemort himself will be there. Unfortunately, undergraduates won't be able to go." Lily looked up sharply, fortunately nobody noticed. James stood up. "Yes, Mr. Potter?" Dumbledore asked.

"I'll go there."

"The gesture is noble, James, but you aren't ready yet."

"I know that I'm ready! I want to take him down!" James said stubbornly.

"James," Lily said tugging on his sleeve, "sit down!"

"No, I have to go there. I can't just sit around while that bastard keeps killing people!"

"The reason you will not be able to attend this defense is because as you aren't a graduated auror, you are not able to use unforgivable curses on death eaters."

"Fine! I'll rip his head off with my hands! I'll bash him over the head with lead pipes, anything!" Dumbledore looked at James with a slight pride in his eyes. Sirius stood up as well.

"Count me in too, professor."

"Alastor, when is the graduation."

"In a few weeks."

"Move it up, I believe we have some fiery young lads that won't take no for an answer."

"Yes, sir." Moody said with a grin. All the undergraduates in the room cheered. After the meeting they were pumped up and Dumbledore watched them with pride.

TBC

I feel like that's a good place to stop. Fun is to come! If things are slow it's because I'm trying to make it so I'm not rushing (which I've had ppl complain about in other stories) and because I'm re writing/posting a Wicked fic. So in short I'll update as soon as I can. Enjoy!