DC: don't own it
Thank you to my reviewers.
I'm so happy that this story is doing well. I was worried about Dumbledore in the last chapter, I didn't know if I should have made him really angry or mellow about the whole thing. So finally after reading the Voldie memories in book six I was able to settle on an understanding Dumbledore. Sigh. People are complicated.
Chapter 11,
"So you left The Order!" James cried. "Why!" Lily sighed. Sirius, Remus, James and Peter were watching her anxiously over their coffee.
"Because I've nearly died three times, I've people I care about die, I can't handle it anymore." Lily said. She had been rehearsing all night. There was some truth into what she said.
"But Lily, we're saving people!" Sirius whined.
"Look, I don't expect you guys to understand." Lily said. "I'll still be an auror. I want to start settling down. I realized that I want a family some day and I can't do this anymore."
"Well it's your choice." Remus said just as James and Sirius opened their mouths to protest. "We all want what you think is best." Lily smiled thankfully at Remus.
"Thank you for understanding." She said.
"So you left the order?" Voldemort asked. Lily shook her head no.
"Dumbledore found out about us."
"What did you tell him?" Voldemort asked emotionlessly.
"I told him that I'm your enslaved sex kitten." Lily said. Voldemort glared. "I told him the truth, okay. He knows that you're a charming asshole and people are usually putty in your hands."
"You told him everything?"
"What was I supposed to do? Lie to him? He's Albus Dumbledore! Also, I'm not very good at lying!"
"I can't believe you told him." Lily frowned. "I haven't told anybody, it's not hard to keep it a secret."
"Probably because you're stupid little slaves would abandon you if they knew you were sleeping with someone like me!" Voldemort shook his head. "I mean they don't even know that your father was a muggle." Voldemort looked at her coldly.
"And they never will know that little detail." He sighed. "I have to go attend to other matters…"
"Like blowing up my friends?"
"…I will see you later." Voldemort finished stiffly. He kissed her cheek and left.
Lily rolled her eyes and went into the bathroom. She threw her clothes into the hamper and turned the shower on. She had a headache and her stomach was jumpy. Like she always did, she wondered when the bottom fell out of her life. She wondered if she would ever be able to go back to a time when she wasn't frustrated out of her mind.
After her shower, Lily brushed her hair and changed into a white t-shirt and jeans. She walked into the kitchen and looked at the calendar. January 31st. Lily swallowed hard. She looked at each individual date. She didn't see the little red dots she used to mark her periods.
"Stress," Lily whispered, "it's just stress."
Her palms were beginning to sweat. Her mind went blank, she couldn't remember if Voldemort used a condom or not.
"Okay, okay calm down. I'll just take a test. No use worrying unless I have to."
Lily walked quickly down the aisle of the drugstore and found the pregnancy tests. The cruel irony was that they were in the middle of the condoms and the diapers. Lily looked around quickly and picked up a test with the shortest waiting time.
The last thing she wanted was to go to a male cashier. Lily stood in line behind a plump woman with a baby, she recognized her to be Molly Weasley.
"Lily! Hi!" Molly said brightly as she put several packages of diapers on the conveyer belt. Lily saw the baby in the cart look up at her with a toothless grin. Her palms began to sweat. "What brings you here?"
"Uh," she grabbed a magazine quickly from the rack, "reading material." She lied. However as she held up the magazine the pregnancy test fell to the ground.
"You're expecting?"
"I'm late and I just want to be sure." Lily mumbled.
"I didn't know you were seeing anyone."
"Uh, yeah, it's getting pretty serious." The cashier told Molly what she owed and she paid. Lily felt ready to die. "Actually I forgot something so…" she turned and crashed into James. Quickly, Lily tossed the test onto the belt and hoped James didn't see.
"Hey Lils."
"See you later, Lily!" Molly said before leaving with her infant son.
"So today we were talking and…"
"Price check on register seven." The woman said. Lily grew pale. James looked over her shoulder.
"A pregnancy test?" James asked calmly. Lily had no idea why, but she felt unbelievably terrible.
"It's not what you think." Lily said automatically.
"Well, maybe I'm not the best at cracking codes, but I think that a pregnancy test means that you may be pregnant."
"It's for a friend."
"You don't have to explain yourself to me, Lils, we aren't dating or anything."
"Miss," Saya turned around and paid for the test.
"I have to go die now." Lily muttered. She ran out of the store and to her apartment. It was like a nightmare.
She was sitting on the toilet with her eyes focused on the ground. The timer had gone off but she couldn't bring herself to look at the test. It was one thing for her to be involved with Voldemort, but something completely different to give him a child. She heard someone come in and her heart began to race.
"Lily, are you okay?" it was James. Lily let out the breath she was holding.
"Yeah." She lied. James looked in the bathroom.
"So what's the result?"
"I haven't looked." Lily told him. "I'm to scared."
"Do you want me to look for you?" James asked. Lily nodded. James picked up the stick and looked at it. "Honestly, I have no idea what I'm looking at." Lily laughed weakly. He picked up the box and read the instructions.
"What color is it?" Lily asked.
"Blue."
"Oh god." James knelt down and took her hands.
"Lils, it's okay, everything will be okay." He tore a piece of toilet paper off of the roll and dabbed her cheeks lightly. "I know that whoever you chose loves you, and he'll love this baby too." Lily sniffed.
"I'm scared, James, I'm scared of being a mother."
"Just today you said that you wanted to have a family."
"I wanted to be married first." Lily told him. "I wanted to have a sturdy marriage and a home. I'm living in a one bedroom apartment."
"Who is the father?" James asked.
"You don't know him." Lily lied. "What's that noise?"
James pulled out a small mirror. "That's Sirius." He looked at the mirror. "What?"
"Where are you? Why aren't you here for poker night? Remus has already busted and I need someone to challenge me!"
"I'm a little tied up." James said.
"God, fine." Sirius groaned. "Stupid James." He added before hanging up. Lily smiled weakly.
"You should go."
"Are you sure? I'll stay here with you if you want."
"Yeah, I'm sure, I need to figure out how I'm going to tell my boyfriend." James nodded. He helped her stand and she walked him to the door. "Thanks." She said.
"It's nothing." James said. Lily hugged him. "If you need anything, call me."
"I will." James kissed her cheek and smiled warmly at her. "I'll call you tomorrow." He nodded.
"Bye."
"Bye."
"You haven't eaten much." Voldemort said.
"Do you ever think about the future?" Lily asked suddenly.
"Every day. I have to or Dumbledore's resistance will win."
"No, I mean your own future. Like family and such."
"Why do you ask?" Lily shrugged. "Are you doing the girl thing?"
"Girl thing?"
"You know, the girl thing, when girls ask where the relationship is going."
"Uh, yeah, a little." Lily answered. "I just want to know where you stand with family and stuff."
"Don't really want one." Voldemort answered firmly. "I've never had one and I'm having a hard enough time with a girlfriend."
"See, it doesn't really pay to be emotionally dead all your life." Lily teased. Voldemort leaned over and kissed her lightly. "I think you'd really like family if you gave it a chance."
"I can assure you I wouldn't. You know my grandfather emotionally abused my mother. My uncle was a blundering idiot. My father was a pompous ass. So as you see, I have no desire to father children or engage in the tangled tragedy that is family."
"I see." Lily said quietly. Voldemort put his hand on hers.
"We're having fun, let's not spoil it with future talk. You're only nineteen, you still have all your life to think about those things." Lily forced a smile.
"You're right, it's not like we have to rush anything."
"I'll owl you as soon as I can." Voldemort promised. He pulled Lily close and kissed her. Lily couldn't help but wonder how many more of his kisses she would be able to enjoy.
Out of nowhere Lily envisioned Voldemort in white robes and herself in a white gown. Then they were walking through a park, Voldemort was pushing a carriage with their little baby giggling and playing with a toy. Then their child was a teenager, graduating from Hogwarts.
Voldemort pulled away and gave her a rare smile. Lily wanted it to go somewhere. She wanted to wake up every morning with him by her side. She wanted to have the baby with him.
"I want to have a baby." Lily said before she could stop herself. The warmth faded away from his eyes.
"I don't." Voldemort said firmly. He left without another word. Lily's eyes filled with tears. She knew right then that she would have to choose between him and her baby. Voldemort didn't compromise. He didn't care about anybody's feelings. He killed people who disagreed with him.
Lily sat on her sofa with a box of tissues. The decision shouldn't have been so hard. After all she didn't even know she was pregnant until that morning, and she had told James that she didn't want to be a mother.
But the daydream was so beautiful. She looked down at her stomach. There was a small little baby in there. She was only four weeks, she still had twenty weeks before it was illegal to get an abortion. It's not like she was terribly attached, after all. Voldemort was right after all, she was only nineteen, she still had her whole life ahead of her.
But it was her baby. It was something that she and the man she loved created while they expressed their love.
Lily curled up and pulled a blanket over herself and drifted off into an uneasy sleep.
TBC
Okay there's chapter 11. I hope you enjoyed it. Review!