Masochistic Lullaby
-Ivory Princess-
It was official: Charlie was seriously thinking about putting me into an asylum. I was sure of it. I could feel the tension between us growing stronger as each day passed. I couldn't blame him for worrying, though. He had every right to think I was losing my sanity… Not only because I hadn't spoken to him in weeks, but partly because I truly was losing my mind. Every day that passed without him…every second that I found myself alone, without his cold touch…I knew that it was only a matter of time before my logical thoughts went out the window.
Maybe it was all, in a weird way, for the best like he had said. Maybe it was a good thing that he left when he did. He did it for my safety…for my benefit…Before I knew it, I was throwing pictures off my shelf and slamming my CD player against the wall. "NO!" I screamed at the top of my lungs as I continued to throw random objects that were once placed neatly across my room. "NO!" I yelled again. "You didn't have to go!"
It wasn't until I fell to the ground that I started sobbing helplessly. It felt as if my insides were about to explode from anguish and despair. I could feel it now: my throat was slowly choking up and my heart was racing furiously. I was sure that I was running a temperature, because everything suddenly started to get very hot… too hot to breathe. I then grabbed my knees and curled up into a ball on my floor, and slowly started to rock back and forth. "Edwa…" I couldn't bring myself to say his name without wanting to die inside. I could feel my vision starting to blur as chocked out another sob. My heart was still pacing vigorously and my head began to ache violently.
A few minutes passed before I was able to see straight and stare ahead at what was in front of me. I was still lying on the floor and I was still curled up into a helpless ball. I hadn't blinked for what seemed like hours and my breath was starting to come out slower, less painful than before. My eyes then fell upon the CD player that was hanging by mere wires against the pale blue wall. I didn't move and check to see if there was any permanent damage, mainly because I didn't really care to. However, I continued to stare at it…thinking back to the time where it played the most beautiful music I had ever heard: his music. His beautiful lullaby…My lullaby. I suddenly felt the urge to cry again, but my body was too physically drained to perform the task.
All of a sudden, I heard the most beautiful sound. A sound that not even the most magnificent musical instrument could ever possibly mimic. It was his voice… singing my lullaby. His velvet voice began to grow louder as I slowly closed my eyes, falling into the wonderful music. I felt a small smile creep upon my lips as his angelic voice continued. The sound was extraordinary and I was almost sure that I had died and reached a heavenly afterlife. I buried my head into the floor and squeezed my eyes tighter. I didn't want to move, because I was afraid that the track would end inside my mind. I knew that if I were to look around, I would come to the painful realization that his voice wasn't real and that I was still in my room…alone. There would no longer be a heaven, but a hell instead. The music continued as I slowly rocked myself back and forth.
Charlie had every right to think of me as insane, but the way I saw it was… if I could hear his musical voice inside my head all the time… I would never want to go back to a world of logical understanding.