(A/N: Looky-loo! It's an update, 'tis! Man I'm tired. I'm glad you guys have enjoyed this fic so much, and am very sorry it so long to get a new chapter up, but what with college and computer crashing sending all I'd written spiraling into the black depths of HELL, it was only a matter of time before excruciating writer's block set in. But, uh, I'm back now! So enjoy.
Disclaimer: Invader ZIM belongs to that funny guy with the name everyone spells wrong and green slime fiends. Neither of which are me, though I envy them. Oh, how I envy them.)
Chapter Three
Upon entering the household, the alien leaders were greeted by the sight of two zombies doing battle over a pink-frosted cupcake conveniently placed between them on the living room floor, while a mechanical arm held out a cup of coffee and offered it to the dueling undead incessantly. As Red and Purple looked on first in puzzlement, then began placing bets (Purple was sure the one missing a lower jaw had the advantage), Membrane held his head and muttered darkly, "Oh, that son of mine..."
"What was that?" Red asked; Purple grabbed a picture frame off the wall and threw it at Red's zombie while the other was distracted, improving his odds of winning the bet. The zombie groaned as his neck snapped at a 90-degree angle, but seemed no worse off for it and knocked off his opponent's arm, much to Purple's dismay.
"Oh, nothing," the Professor laughed, then motioned for them to follow. "I, uh, have always preferred the kitchen." As the three made their way to the kitchen and Purple whined about missing the zombie fight, one zombie pushed the other onto the coffee-serving arm, which stuck out of his rotten stomach and continued to offer coffee. Unable to dislodge himself, the trapped zombie groaned sadly as the other devoured the cupcake in triumph - then spat it out upon realizing it wasn't a brain, after all.
In the kitchen, Membrane poured himself a cup of non-zombie-contaminated coffee and sat down at the table, inviting the Tallest to do the same. Once they were seated, two coffee cups rose up out of the table, their entrance holes closing seamlessly shut behind them. Red poked his curiously while Purple proceeded to down the whole cup.
"Uh, I wouldn't - " Membrane warned too late, as Purple began to scream and gasp in pain - as if it weren't bad enough the coffee was scalding, his Irken allergies to water-based fluids were acting up.
"That was stupid," Red commented without a hint of pity. Purple only screamed more in reply.
"GASP! That man - alien... man... is choking!" Membrane cried (no less dramatic for his vocal foibles), shaking an index finger at Purple's prone form as totally unnecessary special effects flooded the background. Stage truly was Membrane's second love, science being of course his first; he had various special effect-makers hidden all around the house in case of sudden drama.
"Ooh, lasers," Red commented admiringly, coughing slightly and fanning a two-fingered hand as a cloud of purple smoke dissipated. Purple might have enjoyed the smoke more, if it hadn't been so thick low to the floor where he was, resulting in him breathing in several alien-organfuls and aggravating his sensitive throat. Fortunately, a dazzling yellow-and-green starburst signified importance as Membrane pulled out of his pocket a humongous oblong pill labeled "THA COFFEE-DEESTROYZER 6000".
"Here, swallow this!" Membrane commanded, proffering the gigantic pill as he knelt down and held Purple's head up with his free hand.
"Actually, I think that's a little big to - " Purple managed hoarsely, just before having it shoved down his esophagus. He managed to swallow it, with a great deal of difficulty. Gasping for air afterward, Purple suddenly perked his antennae. "Hey... I do feel better!" he cried, surprised.
"Of course! One must never doubt the effectiveness of THA COFFEE-DEESTROYZER 6000!" Membrane replied loudly, his voice echoing strangely at the end of the sentence as he shook a fist... then realized his free hand was still holding Purple up. Purple didn't seem to mind too much, though.
"Oh, ah, ahem," Membrane amended, pulling his hand away and blushing slightly behind his collar. "So, now that that's taken care of, let's continue the tour, shall w - "
"I know something I'd like to tour," Red grinned, coming up from behind the Professor and hissing into his ear seductively, walking the fingers on one hand up the human's back to come to a rest on his shoulder, gripping it tightly.
"Oh. Uh, well..." Beads of perspiration appeared on Membrane's forehead.
"Me, too," Purple smiled, getting up only to cling to Membrane's arm suggestively.
"Hah! Is it hot in here?" Membrane cried nervously, tugging at his collar with a finger.
"Yes!" Red and Purple replied in unison, and tackled Membrane together.
---
Zim growled, long and low, as he watched the events playing out on the screen before him. He'd planted some cameras in the Membrane household some time ago, which meant he had full voyeuring access to the kitchen, which was currently the set of something out of a xenophilic porn movie. Red and Purple had turned the table on its side, and somehow managed to strap a naked Membrane to it with twisty ties, where they proceeded to take advantage of him (though the nature of his moans indicated he probably didn't mind as much as he pretended to). Irkens didn't have genitalia, true - but Membrane did, and with those tongues and teeth, they certainly didn't need any to pleasure him. Zim growled again as he watched with glaring, bulging eyes, clenching the control panel before him and dragging his claws down it, leaving long clawmarks.
"That human," he seethed, pounding the control panel as his voice escalated into infuriated shouts, "doesn't DESERVE the Tallest! Those are MY Tallest! MINE! ZIM'S! I should be the one doing... stuff to them in that FILTHY human food preparation chamber!" Nevermind that the Tallest were the ones doing the doing. "GrrrARR! How did he DO it! That horribly disgusting Earth-beast! Seducing the Tallest so quickly when the almighty ZIM could not! I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT!" Zim kicked the base of the control panel in his rage and yowled as his foot smarted. "I HATE HIM!" Zim threw a snarly fit for a while, until the temper tantrum was out of his system. After this, his already fierce glare narrowed until it was downright sinister. "The stink-monster must be destroyed."
"I LIKE DESTRUCTION!" GIR screeched from the background. "AND DOOM!" Zim looked in the robot's direction briefly, then let a nasty grin overtake his expression.
"Yesss," he gloated, already plotting eagerly as he tapped his claws together in typical villainous fashion. "That's right, GIR... destruction and doom for the dirty human! Destruction and DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!" With that, he broke into a bout of hysterical (albeit slightly bitter) laughter. Truly, Professor Membrane's destructiony doom was incredibly nigh.
---
Now the trouble with being a parent is that with parenthood inevitably come little chiddlers bent on emotionally scarring themselves by inadvertently walking in on said parent in the middle of something personal. Which is exactly what Dib did. Who'd've thought members of the household might walk into the KITCHEN in hopes of acquiring foodstuffs?
Dib took it surprisingly well. Unnoticed by the fornicators within, he slipped out of the kitchen almost as swiftly as he'd slipped in, and quietly made his way to Gaz's room, wherein Gaz was carrying on an epic battle with alien lifeforms.
"Shoot the ground! SHOOT THE GROUND!" one of the Tallest's guards screamed at another.
"No! Stop distracting me!" the other screeched in reply, fingers working at the video game controls frantically in a futile attempt to beat Gaz at Vampire Piggies Multiplayer XICVZPLMS. With all the might of a rabid muskrat pouncing on a hapless moose, Gaz smirked and inclined her controller's movement stick ever so slightly, masterfully pounding her opponent into the ground.
"Noooo!" the guard sobbed as his character's health dropped to zero, reluctantly relinquishing his controller to next guard in turn. "I was so clooose..."
"Hey Gaz," Dib greeted in a monotone. "Dad's being raped by horrible alien space monsters. Just thought you'd like to know."
"Whatever," Gaz muttered, executing a perfect triple-kick ingame. "Get out of my room."
"Yeah, okay," Dib consented, twitching vaguely as he left. He had much therapist-worthy material, that boy did.