sorry this is so late! My computer went postal. I even had it written out, but it was deleted! This is done by request. The person who requested this will recognize this immediately!
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I watch the swinging doors swing shut behind you, Dear. As you leave, the familiar feeling of emptiness fills me to the brim. You are the only one who treats me like someone, something, with emotions other than this smile on my face. I'm not just a chef/scientist, I'm a human being. But there is something, Sweetheart, that even you don't see. I love you. I truly do.
Lone wolf. It suits you. You enjoy being alone. I am always alone. Maybe not physically, but spiritually. If only we could be together, and less alone. But you do not love me; I will not dilute myself like that. I can't say those words, those accursed words! "I love you." Because I have something in common with Ryou. I cannot take the pity. I can see you, being angry, or sad, over my confession. I can see you, pitying me. Feeling sorry for me. Alienating me with permanence from your presence.
You are the only person near me, my sweet wolf. Because we are both alone in spirit, but physically near. This smile is always on my face, but I can't seem to ever get near enough to people to truly open up. I was always that way. but so are you. We both hide behind a mask, but we cannot even show our faces to each other.
Can you not see them? "Oh, poor man," they would moan, after I said those words. But it would be so shallow; so meaningless. They don't mean it, Dearest. They say that, but gossip about me like I am just some poor lost one, who will never find Redemption from this darkness. But they are in a darkness so deep, they are blind. I love you, and dreams of you keep me tied to reality. Because nothing else can. I slave over a hot stove, my lavender wolf, but my mind is not there. I am so numb, and all I can feel is this love for you.
But I can't say those words, Love. Because saying it would make it too final. My last sanity thrown to the wind. If I thought I stood a chance with you, I would give anything. Actually, I would give anything now. Because I love you, and only you. Even though I am hopeless, you can still see my face, more than anyone else. But to the rest of them, I am just happy. They take that for granted. But I have no real friends. I know the girls consider me a friend, but they don't know me.
I feel so disconnected. No, I am so disconnected. I can't wear a watch, because I hate being aware if wasted seconds passing. But if I am with you, no second is wasted. Because I can see more of you than anyone else, and you can see more of me than anyone else. You are the only who knows what it is like to feel hollow. It hurts. Because I am afraid to try. I cannot be hurt again. So many people have hurt me. The one I used to love, my parents, my 'friends.' My past is full of failure and Pain. Pain I wish I could be free of. But it isn't as simple as screaming silently for help.
I need to speak, but I can't bear your rejection. No matter how sympathetic, it will always hurt me. So I just sit over this hot stove, preparing more food.
I love you, even though I cannot speak.