Disclaimer: only in my dreams do I own this
thanks to my lovely betas HPBNC and hp4freek
Warning: SMUT

Chapter Eight: Mission: Embarrass Snape

It was time for class with the fifth year students again. She started class by greeting her students.

"Good morning!" They replied back in unison.

"I've got a special surprise for all of you today." She began her lesson, and mutters sprinkled the classroom. They had no idea what could top last class. She waved her wand, and a banana appeared in front of each student. They muttered to each other in more confusion. Clearing her throat, she called their attentions back to the front of the classroom. She picked up a small package and held it up for everyone to see. "This," pointing to the package, "is a condom. They are best kept in a cool, dry place. They all have expiration dates on them and are best used before then, of course. The package should be a bit squishy to the touch, which means that there is air in it." She ripped open the package and picked up a banana of her own. "What I would like you to practice today, is putting a condom onto your banana." She removed her condom and placed it on the tip of the banana. "The proper way to put it on is to simply unroll it. Be sure to pinch the tip to make sure there is a reservoir where the semen will stay. Once it's been properly unrolled, make sure you smooth it out so there aren't any air bubbles. That's the most common reason why they break."

She waved her wand again, and packets appeared next to each student. They began opening their own packages and trying to cover the bananas.

"Eww! It's so slimy!" one girl squeaked.

A few students couldn't manage to unroll their condoms.

"If it's on backwards, just flip it over for now, but if that happened in an actual experience, you should just get a new one since you would have contaminated both sides of the condom," Hermione called out.

"Do you think this could be used as a water balloon?" One girl asked her neighbour. She was a Muggle-born, of course.

"These smell funny," a particularly high maintenance Slytherin girl proclaimed.

"This would never fit on me; I'm too big for them," one boy confidently told the girl sitting next to him.

She giggled in response.

Hermione overheard the comment about it not fitting. "Professsor Snape?" she asked him gently.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" he responded, but was a little frightened of what she intended to do.

"Could I have your assistance for a minute, please?"

He walked over to her and complied with her request. "I cannot stress this fact enough. If a boy tells you that a condom just won't fit him because he's 'too big,' he's lying to you. Condoms are very stretchy. Professor, please hold up your hand."

"I'm sorry, hold up my what?"

"Your hand, Professor, nothing more." He begrudgingly held his hand up for the class to see. She then began unrolling a condom over it. It did indeed stretch to fit over his whole hand. She even demonstrated the point by having him ball up his fist, and pull on the condom.

"Wow!" "That's so cool!" "It didn't even rip!" were some of the comments that spread throughout the room.

Once everyone seemed to get a condom onto their banana, she called their attention again to request them to remove the condom. "The proper way to dispose of a condom is to hold the tip, and begin rolling it off. Be sure to keep the condom up right, you wouldn't want any bodily fluids to find their way out. Once you have removed it, tie a knot in it, very much like you would tie the end of a balloon. This keeps all biological material inside of the condom. I can't stress enough that you should throw it into the trash and not flush it down the toilet. I don't know about you, but I certainly don't want to find a used condom on the beach when I'm walking around."

There were sounds of disgust whispered throughout the room before they started to take off the condoms.

"Professor, I think it's stuck!" one girl called out.

"Well, you heard the girl, Professor, she needs your help!" Hermione teased Snape.

Severus glared at Hermione and stalked off to the girl in question. He roughly took the banana in his hands. It's so wrong, but it's so hot! He followed the instructions Hermione had given on proper removal. Once the condom was started he handed her back the banana, disgusted. He marched back up to the front of the room, where Hermione had an evil smile firmly in place.

"I hope you enjoyed that, because you're never going to see it again!" he growled, only loud enough for Hermione to hear.

Once class was dismissed, Severus rounded on Hermione. "What was the meaning of that?" he asked without giving her a chance to respond. "Placing a condom on my person in the middle of class! I've never been so embarrassed! And to make matters worse, then you make me assist some silly little girl in the removal of that… thing from a piece of produce!" With every word he said, he became closer and closer to Hermione. When he had completed his ranting, his face was inches from hers. Hermione did not think, she just instinctively pressed her lips against his own. It had been rather erotic, feeling his ragged breathing against her lips. She felt a flooding of desire surge below her robes when their lips made contact.

He pulled away roughly, and she searched his eyes for a sign that he was not disgusted with her for kissing him. His face was full of bewilderment, shock, and could that be, passion? She leaned closer to him, and he did not pull away. Her voice had become husky with passion and arousal.

"Kiss me again, Severus." His name sounded like a hiss leaving her lips. The way she demanded his attentions struck a cord deep within him. He found himself complying to her request before his mind was able to tell him not to. His lips roughly fastened themselves onto hers. A soft moan escaped the back of her throat as his tongue flicked against her lips. She complied automatically, opening her mouth for him to explore. Her tongue came out to meet his, and they were softly massaging each other, trying to overpower and gain entrance into the other's mouth.

His arms had wrapped around Hermione, and he pushed her towards the desk. She positioned herself at the edge of the desk, just leaning on it. Her legs were spread further apart by his as he pushed himself closer to her body. Her hands were trying to pull up the hem of her robes. She finally managed to pool them around her waist, revealing her short skirt below them. Her hands moved to unfasten his trousers and free his erection from their confines. She hissed his name once more, begging him to penetrate her. She muttered a spell while he lifted her short skirt higher on her thighs. He was surprised to see that she was not wearing any knickers.

"Miss Granger, you are a kinky little wench. Teaching students without any knickers on." He tsked her actions. His silky voice had dropped in timbre; he too was in a high state of arousal. He did not wait any longer before pushing himself into her. He took her roughly upon the desk, pounding into her. Their breathing was rapid and laboured. She moaned a few times against his neck and bit down on his shoulder as she came, trembling around his shaft. He made a few more thrusts before he reached his orgasm too. He stayed within her for a few moments longer, treasuring the look of her, eyes glazed over with passion, absent-mindedly chewing on her lower lip.

After he pulled out, he performed a few quick cleansing charms on their exposed areas. He swept out of the classroom without another word.

Words you probably know, but I'll tell you anyway.
Jumper- A sweater or some sort of upper body covering
Phallus- A penis
Knickers- whatever form of "underpants" you'd like to refer to them as.

I know it's been a bit of a long haul to get the characters in canon, but by the end of the story they'll be knocked right back out of place.