Author: Black-journal
Disclaimer: I own none of this
Rating: T (just to be safe)
Pairing: Sirius/Remus
Summary: What happened after Sirius escaped, without ever getting a chance to really talk to Remus?
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I never got a chance to fucking talk to him. Those damn kids just got in the way. Not that I blame them...it was Harry and Hermione that saved my life and believe me I'm thankful for it. But seeing that expression in Remus's eyes when he came into the room, I knew there was so much that we needed to talk about. And damn it, I thought we were going to get it. Catch Peter, turn him in, and then I'd be cleared. There'd be as much time for talking as we'd ever need. Hell, I think I wanted the talking more than I actually wanted my freedom. Especially talking to Remus.
Of course, clearly neither of us thought ahead to the fact that it was a full moon. I had long since stopped caring about it (though when we were in school, it was something that I could always have told you, how close to a full moon it was), but Remus should have known better. All the excitement, I suppose. For a minute, I thought that he was actually going to hurt those children, and then I was more concerned with avoiding the Dementors than anything else.
After the kids rescued me and sent me off on that beast Buckbeak, I flew as far as I could before I could tell by the hippogriffs movements that it was exhausted. We were by the coast and after I found a fairly isolated stretch, I let Buckbeak land. Finding a small cave (cave was a complimentary term for it...it was a hollow on a rock face), I curled up and slept.
I have no idea for how long I slept but when I woke up, I felt more refreshed than I had in years. Better than I had ever felt during my time since I escaped. Now everyone that mattered knew I was innocent. Remus knew. That was all that mattered. I couldn't stand for him to think so poorly of me, especially as he'd thought so for so long.
And it wasn't as if I'd given him a good parting memory. A drunken kiss. The man certainly deserved more than that, even from me. I should have known better. But hell, that's what alcohol is for...removing inhibition. I should have forced more on Remus. Then things might have gotten interesting.
At least until the morning after. Then maybe the friendship would be irreparably broken. And even I'm not so much of a fool as to trade a wonderful friendship for a drunken one-night stand. I like to think of myself as having slightly more of a moral code than that.
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I have no idea how the owl found me. I didn't even know where I was. But the next morning, there was an owl standing about three inches from my face, staring down at me with a distinctly disinterested expression on its face. I had to laugh at that - the first time I'd laughed in who knows how long. The owl extended a leg and I removed the slip of parchment.
It was from him.
I have no idea if this owl will find you. I hope you are safe. I'd write more but I fear interception. Just stay well and safe. Wormtail is still missing. All those who matter believe your story. One day you will be a free man and on that day I will again embrace you as a brother and friend. -Moony
I couldn't help but smile, even as my stomach fell slightly at the phrase "as a brother and a friend". That was how Remus felt about me, and that was that. Hell, he probably didn't even remember that kiss. Or how much it meant to me. I did it drunk, but I had been wanting to do it for years. I just lacked the moment or courage to attempt it.
The owl was waiting there still, as if it expected some kind of reply. "Stupid bird, I have no ink or quill. Or parchment for that matter. Go away, leave me alone." I made a shooing motion with my hands and it took flight for a few instants before settling back down. Clearly, this owl was here to stay.
In that case, I needed a good reason to get rid of. I needed to get the means to write a letter back to Remus.
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No doubt every one who knew me would scold me. I stole supplies from a local Muggle store in my dog form. That's a lot harder than I thought it would be. Being a huge black dog is fairly noticeable. Being a huge black dog with a pen in your mouth just looks absurd.
But eventually I did it, and made it back to my pathetic excuse of a cave. The parchment I had treasured for the days I had had it still lay in the back corner, away from the ravages of weather. I took it up, turned it over and began to scribble on it.
All is fine here. Less than optimal living conditions but survivable. Would love to relocate if possible. Take care. - Padfoot
The owl appeared more than eager to go on another trip and I was more than eager to get rid of her. I didn't know what kind of response to expect, I just wanted to reach out to someone, to have contact with another human being again.
Especially if that human being was Remus.
It was thoughts of him that sustained me over those few days. I had so many memories of him as a young man, each of them special to me in its own way. I had been careful to keep my obsession well-concealed. There was no need for anyone to know how I truly felt about the bookish werewolf we all lived with. How much I cherished every minute I spent with him, how I purposely did poorly in my classes in order to coerce some tutoring out of him. How during tutoring I would read right over his shoulder, something that I knew irritated him no end, but also so that I could smell him.
I knew it was an unhealthy addiction, but as long as I made no mention of it to anyone, then I could pretend that it didn't exist. That I didn't dream of him, that when I slept with all those pretty girls, it was him I thought of when I closed my eyes.
I think the Marauders might have understood. Well, they might have understood if I told them that I was gay. They'd mock me for a while, but they'd stay my friends. But I could never let them know that I fancied one of them. That might well have destroyed our friendship forever. So I stayed quiet.
I was awful at staying quiet. So I masked it by pulling all kinds of stunts. It was what everyone expected of me. They thought I was a joker and a prankster, so I gave out that image. And they all bought it.
But a little part of me died every time Remus scolded me for a particularly malicious prank. His opinion meant everything to me, but again, that wasn't something that I could just let everyone know. It was another secret.
I hated all those damn secrets.
But I hated him thinking I was a traitor and a murderer for thirteen years. I hated that far more.
It was the worst punishment anyone could ever have inflicted on me.
----
It was a different owl that attacked me one morning, about a week after I had sent the last owl. This was a big one, and one that seemed overly fond of pecking at my fingers as I attempted to remove the parchment. I wished that I had my wand so that I could hex the damn thing. But I had been without my wand for so long that the lack of it was hardly a hindrance to me.
I will admit it, my hands were trembling as I unrolled the parchment.
Need for relocation understood. Meet me at the old place as soon as you can. Albus has made arrangements. Looking forward to seeing you again. -Moony
There was no need for a response. I stuffed the parchment in my pocket and crawled out of my hole to go find Buckbeak's hole.
Buckbeak did not look thrilled to see me again. Then again, I had forced it to live here for at least a couple of weeks. I had lost track of time, but it certainly could not be less than that.
But what did it matter?
I was going to see Remus again.