Your comments make my day! I'm glad Tokoyami came across well, and I'm excited to explore his personality a lot more in this chapter along with my favorite LoV member.
Chapter Summary: Tokoyami reflects on the early days of his captivity and bonds with Twice over the split nature of their quirks.
Chapter 4: Mediation and Meditation
It takes five days for doubt to set in. When the League kidnapped Bakugo, All Might and the other heroes organized and completed his rescue within two days. The consequences were horrific, of course, and Tokoyami hopes his own escape does not lead to any serious injuries, but he wants to go home. It doesn't make sense for them to leave him for so long. Unless the League's taunts are true. Unless –
"No, Fumi. They're lying to you, you know that. You know our friends won't abandon us here."
Dark Shadow's voice rings through his head. Tokoyami knows the shadow is just as frustrated as he is from being cooped up for so long. The League has kept him under constant light and surveillance since his arrival. He's locked in a windowless room that seems too large for the limited furniture it contains. There's a small cot for him to sleep on, a table, two chairs, and, of course, as many lamps as the League could plug into an extension cord. He tried turning them off the moment they left him alone with his hands free, but Shigaraki returned immediately and disintegrated the switches, threatening to do the same to Tokoyami if he touched the lights again.
The League is all too familiar with his weaknesses, likely from watching the Sports Festival. What he can't figure out is how they know what he likes. For the first few days they gave him a random assortment of takeout and snacks. He'd refused to eat, not only as a protest, but also because he wasn't sure if it was drugged. They never gave him chopsticks, either – presumably so he wouldn't use them as weapons – and he wasn't interested in humiliating himself by attempting to use his hands to dump food into his beak. By the end of the second day, however, he felt dizzy, and Dark Shadow insisted he eat something. If he starved himself, he might end up too weak to escape.
Then Dabi brought him an apple for breakfast. Tokoyami thought it was sheer luck at first; apples weren't uncommon or particularly expensive, after all, and they were probably easy to steal. But now the League gives him an apple with every meal, and even the snack bars they provide are apple flavored. It's suspicious, but there isn't much he can do about it. There isn't much for him to do at all.
It turns out that being a captive is, for the most part, boring. Tokoyami goes through all the training exercise he can without Dark Shadow. He meditates and talks to his quirk. He fiddles with the guitar strings. He explores every inch of his room. It looks like it's been abandoned for some time. There are deep cracks in one wall and moss growing in the corners. He keeps his eyes open whenever they take him down the hall to use the bathroom, and is eventually rewarded when he spots lockers down at the end of the next corridor. It's an old school building. That's just his luck; he finally gets off campus and he's trapped in a school.
Perhaps that's what sparks the sudden, irrational fear that he's falling behind on his schoolwork (he thinks Iida would be proud). He ends up asking for some paper and pencils and attempts to write out what he remembers: geometric equations for Ectoplasam, quirk history for Midnight, and English sentences for Present Mic. He makes a point to avoid anything he's learned about hero work, but he figures finding X is safe enough. Coming up with the dimensions of the room he's trapped in helps take his mind off of the actual trap, and it feels like he's doing something proactive.
He's a little more stuck on his English homework. English has never been Tokoyami's best subject. He likes words, and it frustrates him endlessly that he doesn't have the same level of vocabulary in his second language. He sounds like a child when he speaks or writes, like the cute little baby bird everyone called him before he taught himself to speak more eloquently – and before Dark Shadow manifested his full power and began scaring everyone away. Not to mention the fact that English grammar and spelling are filled with more contradictions than he can wrap his head around. (I have looked. I have rescued. I have – fighted? That's not right...)
However, Present Mic was – is an attentive teacher. After Tokoyami failed a test, Present Mic took him aside. His voice had been quiet and calm; it was strangely comforting to hear the radio star and voice hero speak so gently, and Tokoyami had found himself expressing all of his frustrations. Present Mic was understanding and told Tokoyami stories of his own first attempts at learning new languages (English and Japanese being but two of his extensive repertoire). Then the teacher's face had lit up, and he ducked into a shelf to present Tokoyami with a book.
"This, dear listener, is an English thesaurus. It's a powerful tool, but be careful. Its power comes with great responsibility. Not all synonyms mean exactly the same thing. If you use them incorrectly, you could end up saying something completely different from your intention. However! I'll let you use it for your next essay. You get to pick three ridiculously complicated words, and I'll help you use them correctly."
The next time one of the villains comes to see him, Tokoyami requests an English thesaurus. Twice looks at him like he's grown the head of a second animal. "You're a weird kid. You're so cool and studious!" he says. "I've got to run it by Shigaraki, though. We're not supposed to give you anything for free. Sure, I'll get one for you!"
Before the end of the day, Twice returns with an English dictionary/thesaurus and a deal: "Anything you write, we're gonna read. And by we I mean Toga, Dabi, and Mr. Compress, because I never bothered with that shit. School's a waste of time. Study hard, or you'll regret it!"
"I accept your conditions," Tokoyami agrees, taking the book with reverence. It's clearly a well-used copy, with a torn cover, a weak spine, and "Property of All Might Library" stamped on the first page. Tokoyami decides he doesn't want to know how the book was procured.
The last assignment Present Mic gave them was to practice the past tense by writing an essay about their weekends. Tokoyami ends up writing about his time in captivity. Like the math problems, writing makes him feel like he's doing something useful. If he writes down what's happening, then it will be easier to make a police report if he's rescued. No, when he's rescued, or when he escapes. He can use the note paper like breadcrumbs if the League ever lets him outside.
Tokoyami pictures returning to class and handing the essay to Present Mic. He would probably laugh, big and far too loud but more than welcome after the oppressive silence of Tokoyami's room. Tokoyami may not like English, but Present Mic is one of his favorite teachers. It probably has something to do with the trauma of the USJ incident; he knows that Mr. Aizawa and All Might were the ones who fought the nomu, but Present Mic was the one who found Tokoyami and Kouda in the hurricane district. The darkness of the area had given Dark Shadow more than enough power to take out the low-level villains that attacked them, but he'd felt his quirk growing over-eager, tugging on Tokoyami's control like a wolf on a leash. Tokoyami would never have forgiven himself if he ended up hurting Kouda. Present Mic showed up just in time to lead them back into the sunshine where Dark Shadow calmed.
Tokoyami shakes his head. In spite of his best efforts to keep himself occupied, he's left with too much time to think. Even napping doesn't help. He's too nervous to sleep well and the lights are too bright. Without the League reminding him of how long he's been stuck with them, he'd have no idea if it was night or day.
Shigaraki comes to see him at least twice every day, offering him freedom and power if he agrees to join the League and threatening his life when he refuses. He has yet to act on any such threat, but Tokoyami is certain the villain's patience will not hold out much longer. The other villains take turns bringing him food or taking him to the bathroom. Toga's visits are the worst. She sticks him with needles to collect his blood and asks weird personal questions. The rest are surprisingly tolerable. Spinner even gifted him with a few comic books from his (apparently extensive) collection. They aren't really Tokoyami's style, but they pass the time.
When he asked to borrow more, Spinner lit up and immediately returned with a box of them, rattling off his favorite titles and pointing out the best parts. He seemed genuinely interested in knowing what Tokoyami liked to read in return, though he shook his head at the answer.
"That's too dark for me. I don't like horror."
Tokoyami stared. "You're a villain."
"Yeah, but I'm not into gore."
"You follow Stain! You use swords!"
Spinner shrugged. "That's different. And if you keep swearing you're a hero, how come you like horror so much?"
Tokoyami didn't have an answer for that. He's still thinking about it hours later when Twice appears to collect his dinner.
"Heya, Tsukukomi!" Twice announces with a small salute. He immediately spots the apple core on the side table, and the half-eaten sandwich beside it. "It's good to see you're eating. We were hoping you'd starve so we didn't have to deal with you!"
"Dark Shadow reminded me that I should not do the dirty work for you. If you intend to kill me, it won't be by my own hand," Tokoyami replies.
"We don't want to kill you," says Twice. "But also we do. And that's not just me talking, that's the truth."
Tokoyami huffs. "The feeling is mutual."
"That's the spirit!" Twice grins. Or at least it sounds like he's grinning; it's hard to tell under the mask. "It's not so bad being a part of the League, you know. If you joined us, we could stop wanting to kill each other and start killing the same people!"
"The killing is exactly the problem," Tokoyami replies.
"You just said you want to kill us," says Twice.
Tokoyami sighs. "You're right. But it is as you said: I do not want to kill you. I will simply do what I must to protect myself and any civilians."
"I want to kill them," Dark Shadow whines within his consciousness. "I hate them and their lights and their questions."
"No killing, not unless it is the very last resort. You promised," Tokoyami thinks.
"You want me to eat them, though."
"Desire and will are different. I know you can't understand that, so just – just wait. Please," he thinks.
"Hey, kid!" Twice's shout and waving arms break through Tokoyami's conversation with his quirk. "Are you ignoring me again? The silent treatment never works! Actually, it's a brilliant tactic."
Tokoyami shakes his head. "I was conversing with my quirk. I am aware that two days of silence is not enough to make any of you leave me alone."
"We're very persistent!" Twice proudly replies.
"So am I," Tokoyami says. "So are my friends, and the heroes looking for me."
"Of course they are, don't give up! We'll destroy them," says Twice. "They'll never find you, they don't really care. Nobody comes for the lost ones like us."
Tokoyami isn't sure which scenario is worse, but he replies anyway. "They came for Bakugo."
"They did!" says Twice, then his face twists. "That's different."
"It's not. They came for me in the woods when I lost control. My friends won't abandon me," Tokoyami insists.
Twice shrugs. "If you say so."
Tokoyami waits for an opposing response, but Twice is distracted by the pages of schoolwork Tokoyami has out on the table. He watches the villain flip through them, humming thoughtfully over some and chuckling at others, as though he's discussing them with an invisible partner.
"Can I ask what exactly your quirk is?" Tokoyami asks after a moment. "You seem…"
"Like us," Dark Shadow whispers in his hushes him, though he cannot deny the truth.
"Odd? Incredible!" Twice says, grimacing and then flexing.
"Yes," Tokoyami replies, as that seems the safest option.
"Well, I suppose there's no harm in telling you. It's only fair since I already know yours," says Twice, dropping into the chair opposite from Tokoyami. "My quirk is Double! I can create copies of anything and anyone, as long as I have their exact measurements."
"Oh?" says Tokoyami. It doesn't exactly explain the man's strangeness. "Even yourself?"
"YesNEVER!" Twice slams his hands on the table and stands up, looming over Tokoyami. "Don't ask us! Me! Don't….STOP!"
Twice clutches at his head, pushing inward like he's trying to keep his skull together. The gesture alone gives Tokoyami more answers than anything Twice could have said. He's all too familiar with the splitting headache that comes from arguing within your own head. He pushes his chair back away from Twice and holds up his hands, speaking gently. "It's alright. We're here and whole. I won't ask again."
Twice sucks in a breath, then exhales slowly, releasing his head as he does. He sits back down and rubs his temples. Then, so quickly that Tokoyami nearly jumps from his seat, Twice reaches out and pokes at Tokoyami's head.
"So!" he announces. "You've been talking to your quirk, right? It's still in there, even with all of this?" He gestures to the lamps that fill the room.
"Yes. Light does not erase Dark Shadow. It merely weakens him," Tokoyami replies. Every member of the League questioned him about his quirk. Ignoring the violent group entirely would be unwise, especially given the fact that half of them already question his use as a potential convert or living hostage. Instead he feeds them tiny, inconsequential bits of information, or repeats back the things they already know from his debut at the sports festival.
Twice leans back again to observe Tokoyami. His mask shifts over his rapidly changing expression, and his fingers twitch in the air as he attempts to formulate his next question coherently. "Two minds or one?" he finally asks.
Tokoyami blinks. He's used to people making assumptions or speculating about Dark Shadow's sentience, but few ask so directly. The last to ask, with many apologies and digressions before the actual question, was Midoriya. The thought makes his heart ache.
"Both," Tokoyami says.
"Yeah? I know the feeling. I can't relate," Twice replies, and in both responses his usual joviality slips into melancholy.
Tokoyami suspects he knows the answer, but he extends Twice the same courtesy of a direct question. "And you? Are you truly two minds, or one?"
"Sometimes," says Twice, and seems surprised himself when there is no opposing echo.
Tokoyami hesitates, then decides he has nothing better to do. Stabilizing a villain might work in his favor anyway, and heroes help whoever is around them. "I am learning a method of meditation to improve my communication with Dark Shadow and the stability of our connection. I could show you, if you'd like."
"Show me how to connect with your quirk?" Twice asks.
Tokoyami shakes his head. "No, with yourself."
Twice thinks for a moment, then agrees. "Sounds boring. Let's do it!"
Tokoyami moves from the chair to the cot, drawing his legs beneath him. He shuts his eyes, but the lights still burn bright behind his eyelids. He opens one eye. "It will work best if we dim the lights."
"I might be crazy, but I'm not stupid, kid. Yeah! I'm too smart to fall for that!" says Twice. He flops onto the cot beside Tokoyami and copies his cross-legged pose.
"It was worth a shot," Dark Shadow mutters.
Tokoyami shrugs. "It wasn't a lie, but as you wish. Now, close your eyes and focus on one thing you're sure is you in every part of yourself. It could be something you love or, I suppose, something you hate. Don't think too hard on it, it doesn't have to be profound. Your favorite color or food, a smell, a memory – whatever comes to mind first."
Twice fidgets, then pokes Tokoyami's shoulder. "Hey. What do you pick?"
Tokoyami debates answering for a moment, afraid he's getting too personal with the villain.
"Ooh, ooh! Tell him it's the souls of the damned!" Dark Shadow suggests.
"I don't think that will unsettle him as much as you want it to, given his career," Tokoyami replies. "Besides, it would behoove us to have a friend among our captors."
With this in mind, he tells Twice the truth. "Apples. Both Dark Shadow and I enjoy them, and the recollection of their texture and flavor makes them a good focal point for mindfulness."
Twice laughs. "You really like those, huh? And here I thought Dabi was being weird when he bought them for you!"
"Dabi bought them?"
"Yeah! He said they might get you to eat. I don't know how he figured it out, he never pays attention. He's a perceptive guy," says Twice.
"Then I am Snow White drawn to the poison after all," Tokoyami mutters.
"Poison? Nah, we wouldn't do that," says Twice. "It's a waste of food. There's easier ways to kill you."
Tokoyami sighs. "That is not particularly comforting. However, to meditate properly we must end this digression into the method of my demise."
"And people say I talk weird!" Twice laughs.
"He's got a point," Dark Shadow adds unhelpfully.
"So then. What's your center?" Tokoyami asks, refusing to rise to the bait from either the villain or his quirk.
Twice is silent again for a moment, then reaches up to touch his face. "My mask."
He doesn't elaborate, and Tokoyami doesn't pry. "Alright. Find a comfortable position and sit up straight. Close your eyes. Focus on your mask, and on all five senses. What do you see with it over your eyes? What do you-"
"I thought you said to close my eyes?" Twice interrupts.
"Right. Just…imagine what you usually see. I don't have to be looking at an apple to visualize one. I can see it, red and glossy. I can hear the crunch of biting into it, taste the tartness, smell the juice," Tokoyami explains.
"I don't see how this is supposed to help with your quirk," says Twice. "I understand completely!"
This is starting to remind Tokoyami of his one and only attempt to meditate with Bakugo, after the other teen overheard he, Uraraka, and Todoroki discussing how helpful it was with their quirks. He heard that Uraraka had more success with Bakugo later, so he attempts to emulate her patience. "Well, you're wearing your mask, so try starting with how it feels. What's the texture?"
"Smooth. It's spandex!"
"Is it, um, warm?" Tokoyami asks, searching for the words.
"Yeah. Kinda sweaty to be honest. Toga makes me wash it once a week or so," Twice replies. "It's clean!"
"Ah, it…smells, then?"
"Like salt, and like…you know, that fabric smell?"
Tokoyami doesn't. As with many true birds, his sense of smell is not as strong as the average human's. He nods anyway. "Ok. Concentrate on that, then. The smell, the heat, the way it's smooth and tight against your skin. Block out everything else. Right in this moment, that mask is the only thing that matters."
Twice frowns in concentration, and soon Tokoyami can see some of the tension in his limbs ease. He relaxes into the process, so Tokoyami closes his eyes and does the same. And, for just a little while, Tokoyami is able to forget that he is trapped with a villain instead of meditating with a companion.