Oof, this chapter took some serious editing! Chapter 8 will see the return of Hawks' POV. Don't get to scared by the title of this one, however - I'm far from finished with Tokoyami.
WARNING: This chapter includes suicidal thoughts and torture. It's no more graphic than the previous chapter.
Chapter summary: Forced to contemplate his own mortality, Tokoyami begins to lose hope. Dark Shadow and Twice do their best to encourage him in their own ways, while Dabi, Toga, and Shigaraki seek answers at any cost.
Chapter 7: Last Words
Tokoyami spends the next several hours curled around his stomach on the cot and choking on tears. His torso is bruised from Spinner's punches and red from Dabi's fire. He's lucky that Dark Shadow took the brunt of that first attack, or he's sure it would be black and blistered. The physical pain hardly registers, however, in comparison to the horror running through his mind.
He's dead. At least, he's dead to everyone he cares about. He pictures his parents in mourning, like when his grandmother died. They'd stand before his small memorial and hold one another, the shadows shuddering around his mother in response to her distress and his father's beak hooked over her shoulder. He can't remember what the last thing he said to them was, and now he might never see them again. It hurts like someone is reaching into his chest and squeezing his heart until it bursts.
"Do you think they miss me too?" Dark Shadow asks.
"Yes," Tokoyami replies without hesitation. "You heard dad – they love you. You are my brother. They mourn for us both."
"What about our friends?"
"The same." Tokoyami is glad that he does not need to respond out loud, or he is sure his voice would fail him. U.A. was the first place where he and Dark Shadow felt truly accepted.
Shoji and Kouda were the last people he spoke to, besides the lady in the shop. They'd confirmed the location and time of their lunch, then waved as they went their separate ways. He can only imagine the number of texts and missed calls that must be on his phone, now in the clutches of the League. He hopes they don't blame themselves.
He wonders how his other classmates reacted to the news. Did they rage against his disappearance and passing? Did they try to find him themselves? 1-A bands together whenever their classmates are in trouble. Tokoyami has witnessed their willingness to break every rule in the book just to keep one another safe.
But then…why has no one come for him? It's possible the villains have hidden a rescue attempt from him, but he's certain they wouldn't miss an opportunity to brag about his allies' failure. Did anyone even try to find him? Will they forget about him now? And what happened to the heroes?
Tokoyami knows for a fact that Hawks has some secret intelligence on the League of Villains. It was the reason he invited Tokoyami to be his intern in the first place. Surely Hawks has some idea of the League's location and intentions. Surely he's realized they were involved in Tokoyami's disappearance. Tokoyami did not spent enough time with the man to claim that he knows him particularly well, but he trusts Hawks with his life. That trust is both a job requirement and something Tokoyami feels Hawks earned after his work study. Tokoyami has to rely on that now; he has to believe that somewhere out there, Hawks has a plan for Tokoyami and the League. Hawks may give off the impression that he acts recklessly, but in truth his every move is calculated. Speed means nothing if he overshoots his target.
Yet in the video interview, Hawks seemed sincerely upset and pledged his support to Gang Orca's search for the Mutant Killer. Was that just an act, or was he as convinced of Tokoyami's death as everyone else? The only one in the video who did not acknowledged his demise as a fact was Mr. Aizawa.
Tokoyami glances at his unfinished English essay, still sitting on the table alongside the dictionary. The villains have taken everything else from the room. They must believe that he really is using a code if they left his writing behind. They're going to be disappointed when they figure out it's only English homework and the ramblings of a teenager who writes depressing poetry even when he hasn't been kidnapped and tortured. Seized with a sudden need to confirm his own existence, Tokoyami grabs his pencil and scans through the dictionary.
"I live," he writes. "I am living. I am alive. I exist. I am existing. I animate. I am animating. I breathe. I am breathing. I aware. I am awaring. I conscious. I vital. I endure. I remain. I survive. I live. I live. I live. I li-"
There's shouting outside the door. Tokoyami pauses with his pencil poised over the page, his concentration broken.
"–point if he starves to death?"
"Kid has to learn some basic respect. We've been too soft on him, let him get comfortable." That's Dabi; Tokoyami can hear his smirk all the way through the door. It sends shivers up his spine.
"You fucking tortured him!"
"And? What did you think this was, daycare?"
"No. But it's not…that! We're not here to hurt kids! We're here to hurt everyone!" Ah. That's Twice, returned from whatever assignment kept him away from Tokoyami's earlier trauma. It's kind of nice to know that someone else is opposed to his mistreatment, even if it is a villain.
"And how do you think we're going to do that without any information? I've kept up my side of the deal. What happened with your contact again? Oh, right. He murdered Magne, took Compress' arm, stole you and Toga for a month, and finally got his whole organization wiped out. We've got nothing to show for that entire venture but a couple of bullets."
"That's true! That's a lie! We destroyed a rival. Your contact's no better. Your contact's amazing! He's a liar, he's only using you."
"My contact might be a liar, but I damn well know it. It's a mutual arrangement, and I know exactly how to use him. He's the reason this kid of yours hasn't brought every hero in the district down on our heads."
"He's not my kid, I don't care about him! I like him. Your contact is why we'll never get ransom out of him. You can't ransom a dead man."
"Yeah, and without a ransom we need to get something else out of him. He might be pint sized, but he's still a hero. He's just like every other bastard in the system, and he might have some intel that could help us dismantle it. We're going to get our money's worth one way or another."
"Pick another way, then."
"The nice way ain't working too well. But if you really want to play good cop…"
Tokoyami tunes out the rest of their argument. If he's dead, he should at least be allowed to enjoy it. He shouldn't have to answer their questions, grapple with his emotions, or feel any pain. He should just lie down and turn to dust.
He used to dream of death, the way he supposes many chronically depressed teenagers do before they learn to handle intrusive thoughts. It was never something he thought about seriously – at the very least, not for long. At the lowest points in his life Dark Shadow has always been with him, for better or worse.
"I won't let you die, Fumi. Not then, not now," says Dark Shadow.
"You're too late for that," Tokoyami replies. A tear rolls off the edge of his beak and lands on the page beneath his hand, blurring the letters.
"Fumi-"
The door slams open. Tokoyami flinches but doesn't bother to look up. He doesn't care what they do to him now. If he dies here, what does it matter? The rest of the world already thinks he's gone, murdered one way or another.
Dark Shadow growls. "I will NOT let that happen."
Tokoyami gives Dark Shadow a mental shove, locking the quirk out of his conscious mind. He wants to mourn his life in peace. Twice races to his side and makes it clear that's unlikely to happen. "Hey, Tsukuyomi! You okay?"
Tokoyami ignores him. He picks up his pencil and goes back to writing. Dabi snatches the page, leaving a long streak of pencil across it. "What's this, a confession or a suicide note?"
Tokoyami grabs for it, but Dabi holds the page beyond his reach. "'I live,'" he reads. "'I am living.' What bullshit is this? You don't even have the grammar right. 'Aware' is a fucking adjective, dipshit."
"Stop teasing, give that back," Twice snaps. "Hold onto it, it might have a code. How do you know that, anyway?"
Dabi scoffs. "Perfect little soldier boys have to be perfect little scholars, too."
Deprived of his only distraction, Tokoyami returns his cot and lies down with his back to them. He's never been so tired in his life, yet even when he shuts his eyes the lights burn through his eyelids.
A hand lands on his shoulder and he flinches away. Twice immediately pulls back. "Damn, you're freezing! If you get sick, I'm not calling the doctor. Dabi, call the doctor."
Dabi rolls his eyes. "You are impossible to work with, you know that? You're shit at interrogations, too. It works better like this."
He grabs Tokoyami's shoulder, palm too hot against his bare skin, and flips him over onto his back. "I don't care if you're trying to play the brooding hero or just sulking; either way, you won't like how it works out for you. What you got today was easy. Next time I'll show you some more of my quirk. Maybe we can even let yours out to play."
That brings a spark of life back to Tokoyami. "Leave Dark Shadow out of this. You've done enough to him already."
"Do you feel each other's pain? I have to admit, even I'm a little curious. You don't meet many shadows," says Dabi.
Tokoyami growls through his teeth and tries to jerk away from the villain's grip. "Go away."
"You're in no position to make demands. How thick is your skull, dead man?" Dabi replies, giving him a shove. "We've got work to do. Twice, get going. Believe it or not, I have better things to do than hold down weaklings."
Tokoyami frowns at Twice, the only member of the League who hasn't done a thing to hurt him yet. Twice reaches into his pocket and Tokoyami tenses, expecting a knife or a needle full of something to make him talk. Instead, Twice produces a measuring tape.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Whatever I want," says Twice. "I'm just following Shigaraki's orders. Now hold still, my copies are only as good as my measurements. They're perfect!"
Tokoyami blinks. "You're making a clone of me?"
"Just a precaution. It's a perfect use of my talents. Dead men make good criminals," Twice replies. He unravels the tape and holds it up against Tokoyami's body. "My talents are wasted like this. A copy of you is useless. It's a terrible idea to use your ghost for anything."
"I hate to say it, but I agree with both sides of you on that one," says Dabi.
Tokoyami squirms, then stills. They're right. The League could make terrible use of his clone to invade U.A. or wreak havoc on civilians, but it would probably be their final act of villainy. Even if no one realized it was a copy and not the real Tokoyami, the reappearance of a dead man would make even the least experienced hero suspicious.
"What does Shigaraki want to do with my clone?" he asks.
"No idea! I have a few guesses," says Twice.
"Are you going to interrogate it…me?" Tokoyami asks. He winces as Twice wraps the tape around his waist and injured stomach.
"It won't matter to you," Dabi says. "You can't feel your clone's pain. I should know; that hobo who calls himself a teacher destroyed two of mine and I didn't feel a thing."
"Of course he did. Eraserhead is stronger than any of you," Tokoyami replies. His feather puff up a little with indignation and pride, much to Dabi's apparent amusement.
"Don't be so sure. Twice's copies aren't as perfect as he'd like you to think. I bet I could give Eraserhead a run for his money in a real match up. He's not the one I'm interested in, though," says Dabi.
"Stop telling him so much about my quirk!" Twice shouts.
"I'm just trying out your buddy cop routine," Dabi shrugs. "So now you know about us. How about you and your monster? Or did I scare it away?"
Tokoyami feels Dark Shadow bristling inside him, rattling the mental box Tokoyami shoved him in. "Why don't you turn off the lights and ask him yourself?"
Dabi laughs. "Oh, I would love to. I think we'd make a hell of a match up. The dark side versus the light side – it's kind of ironic, isn't it? Makes you rethink which one of us is the villain."
"You are," Tokoyami growls.
"C'mon, kid," says Dabi. "You're a dead man now. Why not take advantage of that? You could reinvent yourself, become whoever you want to be. No past, no expectations, just a wide-open future."
"Is that what you did?" Tokoyami asks.
"Sure," says Dabi. "This is who I am, scars and all. Nothing before this matters."
"For someone who has no past, you sure seem to hold a lot of grudges," Tokoyami says.
"Stay still!" Twice demands. The measuring tape wraps around his beak, forcing his silence.
Dabi grins. "You're a stubborn little shit, I'll give you that. I was worried for a moment that you'd given up on us. It'd be pretty annoying if you just went and offed yourself."
"Please don't do that," Twice adds. "Yeah, I don't want to clean up the mess."
Tokoyami doesn't respond, even when the pressure on his beak lifts. The idea of his own death has been so pervasive today that it is impossible to dismiss. There is some appeal to giving in; he's exhausted, he's in pain, and his hope for rescue is dwindling. He has no doubt that's Dabi's threats of more terrible torture are very real, and he is not foolish enough to believe that he will withstand it all in silence. Suicide would be inconvenient, at the very least, for his captors. That seems to be the best he can hope for.
He only wishes he could leave something for his family and friends to let them know it's not their fault. To tell them how much he loves them, how he'd give anything to return to them. Well – anything isn't quite right. He won't betray his friends, not even for the chance to say goodbye.
"Stay alive, Fumi. Stay alive with me and say hello instead," Dark Shadow insists, forcing the thought through Tokoyami's mental block.
"Your feathers are all wet. Is that normal?" says Twice. "I've never made feathers before. It's going to be such a pain. It'll be very exciting to try!"
Dabi sighs. "Are we done yet?"
"You can't rush art! Yes, nearly there," Twice replies.
Dabi rolls his eyes and cracks his neck, then looks back down at Tokoyami. "Since I've got you here, I've got another question. Call it a personal interest."
"I already told you I'm not answering your questions. You can burn me again, if that will satisfy you," Tokoyami says. He regrets it instantly when the palm against his shoulder suddenly flares with heat.
Dabi laughs. "Believe me, it would. But this one shouldn't be so hard. I just want to know about Shoto."
"Shoto?"
"Yeah. Red and white hair, giant scar, kinda hard to miss. That Shoto. You two friends?"
Tokoyami scowls. He can already imagine Dabi ambushing Todoroki, smirking as he tests Cremation against Todoroki's Half-Cold Half-Hot. "What do you want with him?"
"Nothing much. I promise I'll be a good boy if you answer. I'm not going near him. Not yet, anyway," says Dabi. "If you don't answer, I could pay his family a little visit and find out for myself."
"Stay away from them!" Tokoyami yells.
"Stop moving!" Twice shouts. "All done. You can let him go now."
"Just when the conversation was getting interesting," says Dabi. He releases Tokoyami with a sigh, and Tokoyami immediately scrambles away. He examines his shoulder to find a reddened handprint on his skin, still hot to the touch.
"I need cold water," he says. Between Todoroki, Bakugo, and Kaminari, the entirety of 1-A is well-acquainted with the treatment of minor burns.
"I need answers," Dabi replies. "I'll trade you for them."
"No deal," Tokoyami growls.
"Guess we're both going to be disappointed today." Dabi stretches, then makes his way over to the door. "C'mon, Twice. Visiting hours are over. Shigaraki wants to give him some time to reconsider his answers."
Twice hesitates. "But…he really might get sick."
"Then it's his own damn fault. Unless you want to give him your jacket?" Dabi asks.
Twice looks down at his jeans, black shirt, and blue jacket. The jacket is threadbare and covered in the uneven stitches of an amateur tailor. Tokoyami can't decide if it would be worse to wear the villain's clothes or freeze. Not that he gets a say in it. Twice is already following Dabi out the door. "See ya', kid. Think about what we said – it's easier if you just look out for yourself. No one else is looking for you now, after all."
With that, Tokoyami is left alone in the light once more.
XXX
At some point Tokoyami's exhaustion catches up with him, and he sleeps despite the lights. When he wakes again his joints are stiff with cold and his injuries protest the cramped position. His stomach growls and the inside of his mouth is bone dry. The League hasn't left him a single drop of water.
Tokoyami has read about monks who are able to enter a meditative state so deep they can go weeks without food. He's always wondered if such intense mediation would help him awaken some new understanding of his quirk, since the practice does renew and deepen his connection to Dark Shadow. He figures he might as well try.
Tokoyami wraps the blanket around himself, gets comfortable, and reaches into the pocket of his sweatpants. He's relieved to find that his guitar strings and flashlight are still there. It means that the League did not manage to rifle through his clothing while he slept (a legitimate fear, given his level of exhaustion). He focuses on the breath filtering in and out of his lungs and runs his fingers over the smooth surface of the flashlight. Thus grounded, Tokoyami sinks into himself.
At first Dark Shadow refuses to cooperate. He's angry with Tokoyami for blocking him out during his interaction with Twice and Dabi, but Tokoyami can feel that his quirk's anger is rooted in worry and fear. Light is not the only thing that frightens Dark Shadow. If Tokoyami dies, neither of them knows what will become of the quirk. That is part of the reason Dark Shadow protects his host so ruthlessly.
Tokoyami apologizes for his moments of despair, and Dark Shadow repeats his promise to brave the light if it will keep Tokoyami safe. No new powers appear to result from the session, but it does bring the pair back into balance. Tokoyami feels less hopelessly alone. He and Dark Shadow will never abandon one another, even if they are lost to the rest of the world.
When Tokoyami blinks back into full awareness, his only clue to the amount of time that has passed is how badly he needs to use the bathroom. It hardly seems fair, given that he hasn't had anything to drink. He bangs on the door and waves at the camera to no avail. He doesn't want to give the villains the satisfaction of his embarrassment, and he doubts they'll offer to clean if he gives in and picks corner to piss in. The room's too small to deal with the smell. He sits on the cot and tries to meditate again, but it's much harder to focus. Clearly he is going to need more practice if he wants to reach the level of the monks who can deny all bodily functions.
Just when he's about to make a choice between wet pants and that back corner, he hears the locks click on the door. Tokoyami has never been so happy to see Dabi, who rolls his eyes and allows him to stop in the bathroom. Tokoyami takes advantage of the time to drink tap water from his hands after he's washed them. It's not enough to quench his thirst before Dabi bangs on the door, but it's better than nothing.
Dabi drags him back to the interrogation room. The setup is the same, with Tokoyami tied to a chair in front of his captors, only now Toga has taken Spinner's place. She grins at him and brandishes a knife. Tokoyami swallows. That will do a great deal more damage than Spinner's fists. Crueler still is Shigaraki, who takes a bite out of an apple directly in front of Tokoyami's face. The sight of the sweet fruit is enough to make his mouth water and his stomach growl.
"If you're hungry, all you have to do is answer," Shigaraki says. "How do you get into U.A.?"
Tokoyami looks away from the apple and stamps down on his stomach's protests. Shigaraki sighs. "Pity. I don't even like apples."
He squeezes the fruit with all five fingers, and Tokoyami can't hide his horror as he watches the apple rot to pieces.
"Come on Shigaraki, don't waste it. We could have fed it to the birds," Dabi says.
Shigaraki lets out a huff that might be amusement or annoyance. "We can get more. Which students have the strongest quirks?"
Tokoyami stares past him and tries not to focus on the way the light reflects off Toga's knife. The task becomes easier and harder in equal measure when Toga shifts out of his line of vision. He can no longer see the knife, but seconds later he can feel it. He winces as a sudden, sharp pain flashes across his arm.
"Fumi!" Dark Shadow's outrage echoes through his mind.
"It's alright. I think it's just a scratch. She wants to scare us," Tokoyami thinks. He sincerely hopes that he's right.
"Better not flinch. I don't want to slip and cut something important," Toga says. She kisses his check, and Tokoyami tries to twist his head away until the cold, flat edge of her knife presses against the other side of his face. "I said don't flinch."
"Don't touch me," Tokoyami snaps. Dark Shadow makes a valiant effort to form a barrier, but only manages a few wisps of darkness that manifest between his feathers and Toga's knife before disappearing entirely.
Toga laughs and runs her free hand through his feathers and over his beak. "That was super cute, but I'm not into you like that. Maybe if you tell me about my sweet Izuku I'll be nice to you anyway."
"I didn't bring you here to talk about your pathetic crush,"Shigaraki growls.
Toga sticks her tongue out. "Why should you get to ask all the questions?"
"She's got a point," says Dabi. "There's a couple of things I'd like answered, too."
"We are not using the boy to take care of your personal problems!" Shigaraki shouts.
"Are you kidding? None of us would stick around here if it wasn't fuckin' personal!" Dabi replies, his quirk flaring along with his temper.
"Yeah," Toga agrees. "You can't expect me to do your dirty work for free!"
"It doesn't matter!"
Three sets of eyes turn on Tokoyami. "What was that?" says Shigaraki.
Tokoyami grits his teeth. He doesn't understand Dabi's interest in Todoroki or Toga's crush on Midoriya, and he has no intention of trying. "It doesn't matter which one of you questions me. I'm no traitor."
The tension in the room pulls tighter than a hangman's noose – and then Shigaraki laughs. "You young heroes are such naïve little fools. Everyone in the world is a traitor, given the proper motivations. I promise we're going to find yours."
"So you admit that you would betray the League," says Tokoyami.
Shigaraki's laughter ends abruptly, and he slaps Tokoyami across the face. Tokoyami yelps, more out of surprise than pain. Given that it was Shigaraki who hit him, he feels lucky to have a face at all.
"I am the League," Shigaraki hisses.
"Oh re-lax," Toga hums. "Admit it wasn't your best threat and move on. I'm getting bored."
"You've been here for five minutes and you already got to scratch him," says Dabi.
"What's your point?" Toga replies.
Shigaraki looks about ready to smack his underlings, too. Instead, he keeps his wrath focused on Tokoyami. "You won't tell us about your friends – fine. They're minor annoyances at most, and some may yet be turned to our way of thinking. How about Hawks?"
That catches Tokoyami off guard. "Hawks?"
"Hey, that's my question," Dabi complains.
Shigaraki ignores him. "He was your mentor, correct? Who does he work for?"
Tokoyami says nothing. The sharp edge of Toga's knife sinks into his skin, this time dragging slowly down his arm so that Tokoyami can feel the way his skin splits. He groans.
"Come on, kid. Why get yourself hurt over an easy question?" Dabi says. "We could find that one on the internet."
"Why ask what you already know, then?" Tokoyami says through his teeth. "His agency is common knowledge."
"Are you sure about that?" Shigaraki asks.
"If they don't know, then they are very stupid," Dark Shadow thinks.
"Unfortunately I doubt that is the case," Tokoyami replies. Aloud, he says, "Yes, I'm sure."
Shigaraki watches him silently for a moment, then asks, "What is your relationship to Hawks?"
"You said it yourself. I was his intern," Tokoyami says. "Why does it even matter? He thinks I'm dead, like everyone else."
Dabi snorts. "You could say that."
Before Tokoyami has a chance to process Dabi's odd tone, Shigaraki changes the topic. "What about All Might? Does he still have any of his power?"
"All Might is more powerful than you ever will be," says Tokoyami.
"Oh? And what do you know of his quirk?" Shigaraki asks.
"It has nothing to do with his quirk. He is powerful because he inspires the future, and you only want to destroy it," Tokoyami replies.
"I think you should reconsider that," says Shigaraki.
"Why?" Tokoyami asks.
Shigaraki smiles. "Because I am here, and he is not."
The questions continue for over an hour before they finally drag him back to his room, leaving him with a single bottle of juice to keep him alive. Tokoyami manages to confirm that the cuts Toga made on his arms are superficial before he falls into another exhausted sleep.
It becomes a pattern: he sleeps, he writes, he's questioned, he's beaten or cut or burned. It feels like weeks, but the League assures him it's only been a few days. Dabi even shows him an online newspaper with the date and takes great pleasure in pointing out the fact that articles about Tokoyami's disappearance and death have already been replaced with fresh news. Tokoyami begins to wonder if this is going to be his entire life; if, after all that he's endured, he's going to die of starvation without ever getting the chance to fight back.
His writing suffers as well, becoming less detailed and coherent. He tries to keep up with it anyway. It is the only means he has to ensure there is some record of his existence, and sometimes it's all that keeps him from giving in to despair.
- I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm so tired. I'm so cold. Even Dark Shadow does not speak as much. Still, I refuse to give them what they want. I'll die if I must. They have already made a ghost of me. I am not afraid. As for the League:
I know you are reading this. It does not matter. I have not answered your questions verbally, and I shall not answer them in writing either. I will not betray my friends, even if they have forgotten me. Not for heat, not for freedom, not even for the smallest bite of an apple.
You face not one will, but two. If any hero or civilian should find this, know that I, Tsukuyomi, and my quirk, Dark Shadow, resisted. Anything they have gained from me was without my knowledge or intention. Know also that I am alive. I live. I exist. I endure. I survive. I -