Hello! I'm not dead!

I'm gonna skip all the normal stuff for author's notes this time around because it's 5 in the morning as of publishing this and I reaaaally wanna go to bed, but basically: your boi Bel has been going through some reaaaally bad times lately, and it's been all I could to do barely write at all. I know I haven't updated in over a year and I really am sorry. I've received bad news after bad news and the events in my life have been really fucked, so I haven't really had it in me to do anything more than keep stumbling forward.But, now, thanks to the help of a ton of good friends I'm very blessed to have, I'm back on my feet, and I'm back at the keyboard. I hope to be writing a lot more consistently, but we'll see how it goes.

Hopefully this chapter isn't terrible- more than half of it was written months ago. I won't say too much, just that I hope you enjoy it and I hope you'll leave me some gleaming reviews if you do. There are a couple parts I expect people to not be completely clear on, but just rest assured, we've got a plan for this fic. This fic alone encompasses four channels on my discord server, each except the newest one filled to the brim with plot and ideas. Trust the process, I promise you won't regret it-

Anyway, without further nonsense, enjoy the chapter!

Tsubasa had only made it a short distance away from Kuoh when the rain started coming down. She sighed quietly, wishing she'd brought the umbrella she normally kept with her, and retreated underneath a bus stop to stay out of the cold downpour.

Despite only just having begun, the rain turned rather torrential in record time, and she found herself wondering how Issei was doing.

Then, she slapped her cheeks, dismissing those thoughts.

He wasn't on her team any more.

Sighing again, Tsubasa Yura stared out at the rain through the glass of the bus stop, unable to stop her thoughts from wandering.

She was ten, the first time she ever saw something that wasn't real.

A Noppera-bō.

A faceless ghost.

At first, she'd simply noticed it lurking around in their yard- but, once the apparition noticed she could see it, there wasn't a single moment it wasn't attempting to terrify and haunt her.

It stalked the grounds of her family home, terrorizing her at every turn.

Nobody else could see it, and it knew that. If she told someone about it, they called her crazy. If she cried to her mother, she went to counseling. If she confided in her friends, they shunned her.

At school, it would stare at her though the window.

At her friend's house, it would watch her from the corner of the room.

At her own home, in her own bed- it would stand above her.

Always watching. Always haunting.

One day, she finally had enough.

It had been a childish outburst. A fit, at best.

It had haunted her for a year and a day, and she'd finally grown tired of it- in a flight of anger, she'd flung her hand backwards towards the Noppera-bō, fully expecting to just pass right through it.

But, to her surprise, she slapped its faceless head hard.

The ghost had just enough time to realize what had happened before she was on it.

Tsubasa Yura was eleven years old the first time she exorcized an apparition with her bare hands.

In the years to come, she would use her talents to defeat and excise many different monsters- ghosts, demons, specters, anything that would terrorize a human. She went on to become something of a "folk hero" in the Kuoh area- 'the girl who fights ghosts'. If you had a supernatural problem, she'd defeat it, eagerly and free of charge.

Nobody ever saw her fight them, of course. One could watch her, no problem, but all they'd ever see is the girl swinging her fists at nothing and then claiming the job was done.

In five years, she'd long since learned nobody would ever believe her. Nobody would ever care about her crusade against the supernatural.

But, every time she was shunned, and every time she felt like giving up her own personal battle, she remembered the terror she'd felt when she was a little girl, curled up under her blanket, hoping the faceless ghost would go away.

And, every time, she remembered what team she was on.

Humanity.

In all her life, she'd never known a monster to coexist with humans. They would always terrorize, haunt, stalk, hunt humans. There simply wasn't a good monster.

But, fortunately, she'd also never known a monster she couldn't beat.

So, the black and white dichotomy was easy to understand. She was on 'this team'. The monsters were on 'that team'. Neither had any interest in cooperating or negotiating, and so, it was as simple as defeating the monsters. It was rather storybook, to her.

When she'd heard about the vampire in Kuoh Town, she'd been scouring the place and seeking to rid the world of another monster. It didn't seem too hard a task- how difficult could one blood-sucker be? She'd killed a hundred ghosts, a hundred demons, a hundred monsters- what was one more?

And, in the interest of keeping her 'team' safe, she'd warned everyone she'd run into to avoid the vampire at all costs. They hardly believed her, of course, but it wouldn't hurt to instill in them the fear of walking alone at night. It may deprive the beast some prey, at the very least.

But, she never found the vampire.

Issei Hyoudou did.

She didn't dislike him. She'd heard his reputation, and she didn't particularly care- she had one of her own, after all, and if his was half as exaggerated as hers was, he wasn't even close to the piece of garbage her classmates made him out to be. He was a pervert, sure, but all that meant was that he was a guy who was open and honest about his (admittedly strange) desires.

Not something she hated.

Unfortunately, despite her semi-positive feelings about her new acquaintance, he'd gone and done the unthinkable. Something she hadn't even imagined was possible.

He willingly switched teams.

Issei stopped being human, and became a monster- of his own volition.

And it was her fault.

If she hadn't told him about the beautiful vampire, he might never have found her, and he'd still be a human. It made her feel guiltier than she cared to admit, but more than that, it instilled her with doubt.

Earlier that night, when she'd kicked him in the face, she'd kicked harder than she ever had anyone in the world. That kick had once excised three separate demons in one fell swoop, and she was confident it was more than enough to kill a normal human.

She had been trying to exorcize Issei Hyoudou, and it didn't even almost work.

All it did was break his nose, and even that healed right after. It was so inconsequential, he hadn't even noticed her intent.

Tsubasa Yura was seventeen years old when she'd finally met the monster she couldn't beat, and it wore the face of a friend.

For a moment, she panicked.

She hid it expertly, masking her fear with simple camaraderie, but she was terrified. She bantered and smiled with the beast, but under the calm and friendly surface, she was quaking with fear.

At first, that is.

But, as she talked with Issei, as they joked and quipped and laughed together, and she heard his story, she forgot her fears and slowly slipped into a sense of familiar comfort. It felt just like chatting with a friend, and she was at peace.

She'd allowed herself to slip, almost forgetting there were teams in the first place.

"You're gonna go back to being human, right?" she'd asked, as if it were that easy.

And he denied it to her face. He'd brazenly rejected her, reminding her that he wasn't on her team and declaring her an enemy.

After he left to go fight the other vampire, she walked away, dismissing him entirely. He was clearly beyond her level, and while the thought of him running loose around town and resurrecting what he'd called "a super powerful vampire" was absolutely mortifying, she accepted the reality that she couldn't stop it.

It was no longer her problem.

So, why…

…why did she feel so sad?

Tsubasa Yura was staring out of the glass of the bus stop, unable to process her own emotions, when the lightning came down.

It was bigger than any she'd ever seen. It seemed as if the sky cracked in half, and the dark horizon lit up brighter than the midday sun.

And, it was right where Issei would've been.

"Hyoudou!"

Tsubasa took off without a thought, running towards the school as fast as her legs could carry her. Her previous misgivings were suddenly quashed at the thought of her new 'friend' being caught in that blast, and she was unable to stop herself from dashing to him.

She ran the entire way there, getting drenched in the process, trying her best not to trip on the nearly-flooding sidewalk. By the time she arrived at Kuoh, she was gasping for breath, having just sprinted the entire way in a raging storm.

She was greeted with an unexpected sight, and it made her jaw drop.

Issei Hyoudou, covered in mud, and wearing tattered, torn clothes.

When he saw her, he grinned cockily and gave an exhausted wave, and to say she was conflicted would be the understatement of the century.

Because, unfortunately for the already-troubled girl, she found the idiot ridiculously alluring.

His torn clothes were wet and matted to his glistening skin, and they were ripped in such a way that she could easily see his muscular physique- his red eyes were piercing, and the mud on him only brought out the sharp allure of his pale complexion.

A moment later, when she realized she was staring at him, she shook her head and slapped her cheeks, ducking under a nearby building's awning to get out of the weather.

Her heart began to race. She'd at the very least thought her mind was made-up regarding Issei being her enemy, but then she'd taken off running just to make sure of his safety, and now, she found him hot?

Tsubasa wanted to punch herself in the face. She was rubbing her cheeks and slapping herself, trying to shake those ridiculous thoughts out of her head, when Issei walked up.

"You catch the light show?" he smirked, as if he was proud of something.

"H-hi!" Tsubsas yelped, not noticing his approach. Her heart rocketed in her chest, and she pressed herself flat against the wall with a rather girlish 'eep'. Issei cocked his head, confused, wondering if he'd said something wrong. He did not expect that reaction.

"Uh, are you okay?" he asked, one eyebrow raised in apprehension.

"I-I'm fine! Peachy! How are you?" Tsubasa retorted nervously, trying to ignore how stupidly attractive he was up close.

Issei, on the other hand, was completely bewildered. Both times he'd met her, she'd been a total firecracker, and now she was acting like a schoolgirl.

"I'm… fine?" He answered, almost a little wary of the odd transformation she seemed to be going through. "A little shell-shocked, but mostly fine-"

"Great! Glad to hear it! Bye!" Taking off like a rocket, Tsubasa leapt out of the awning, seeing no fix to her current solution than to distance herself from this vampire who was clearly hypnotizing her.

Unfortunately, Issei grabbed her arm with lightning reflexes before she made it even a step away.

"Whoa, hold on! If you go out in that, you'll get a gnarly cold. I dunno what your deal is, but if you're that weirded out, I'll go-"

"No! No, no. That's not… it's just… ugh."

Tsubsas, finally calming down enough to talk, tripped over her words as if she'd never spoken a day in her life. She didn't even know where to start. Her emotions had gone into overdrive tonight, first with the 'realizing he was now a monster' then with 'wait, he might not be so bad' followed by a healthy 'oh shit, he could've died in that blast' and rounded off with 'why is he so hot'? Her poor heart didn't know how to handle the influx of feelings, but luckily she was a disciplined fighter, and she knew how to calm herself down when adrenaline got the best of her.

Taking a long, deep breath, Tsubasa separated herself from Issei and looked down at the ground, unable to face him..

"I tried to kill you, earlier," she said bluntly, unsure how else to start. Issei immediately looked bewildered, and she was quick to explain.

"When I kicked you, that was enough force to take a grown man's head off, and I'm not exaggerating. If you were a small fry demon or ghost, that would've sent you straight to the after-afterlife, same day shipping. I played it off afterwards, but I was really trying to do you in, and… it really scared me when it didn't work."

Not really sure why she'd do something like that, Issei was a bit slow to come to terms with her words. After a moment of silent contemplation, he just asked:

"Why?"

For the millionth time that night, Tsubasa sighed, then looked up and met his eyes.

"You're a monster now, dude. Even if it doesn't feel like it, even if you don't think so- you are, beyond a shadow of doubt, a man-eating monster."

"But I-"

"No buts!" she yelled, uncharacteristically agitated. "You're a full-fledged vampire! You may not have eaten anybody or drank blood yet, but isn't it only a matter of time?! Look at yourself, Hyoudou! You're not human anymore!"

Issei was stunned silent. He didn't know what to think, much less how to react.

Was… was she right?

So far, he'd only been thinking about the cool, useful parts of being a vampire, like super strength and immortality. He hadn't even really spared a thought to the truth of the situation.

Would he really become a blood-sucking monster?

Or…

…was he already?

"I just keep the balance. You could call that my job. Building the bridge between 'this side' and 'that side', so to speak."

Was that what Oshino had been talking about? Monsters and humans?

Once again, Issei wondered what side he was on. The side of his parents? Of his friends? Of Tsubasa?

Or, was he on the side of Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade? The iron-blooded, hot-blooded, cold-blooded King of Monsters?

But then, what about Dramaturgy? Wasn't he a vampire? A 'monster'? That kinslayer was firmly against the side of 'monsters', and so was his whole organization. Not to mention Oshino, the self-proclaimed 'bridge' between both sides.

So, then, wasn't it possible to be on 'this side' and 'that side'?

After all, he hadn't even felt so much as a single urge to drink blood yet. Was that even really a problem for every vampire? Dramaturgy didn't mention it. He seemed completely polite and helpful, too, not nearly the image Tsubasa seemed to be painting.

Plus, going off of what Kiss-Shot had explained, he was more than just a cut above his kin- they were the apex, the pinnacle of all vampires.

Did they even need to drink blood?

Issei Hyoudou came to a conclusion.

"You're right," he answered, looking back at her. "I'm not a human anymore. But so what?"

Tsubasa straightened at his bold words, her eyes widening.

"So what if I'm not a human? That doesn't make me a monster. Right now, all I'm doing is trying to save a little girl- and isn't that as human as it gets? Aren't you the same way, ghost fighter?"

Issei stuck his hand out for a fist-bump, grinning as if he'd said something spectacularly cool.

Tsubasa's breath hitched in her throat. Her mind flashed back once more to the memory of a little girl cowering underneath a blanket, waiting for the ghost to leave her alone. In the end, she'd had to save herself, but all the while, she'd been desperately hoping that somebody would come save her- and, ever since, her single-minded crusade against the supernatural had been a raging attempt to ensure no human would have to suffer at the hands of a monster ever again.

But, had she missed something vital in her quest?

What if…

… what if monsters could be allies too?

What if not every single monster wanted to harm humanity?

Tsubasa's eyes widened as she stared at the mud-covered boy in front of her, clothes torn, eyes gleaming with resolve, and her heart leapt into her throat.

"Maybe…" she whispered, turning away from him and looking off towards the rain.

Issei nearly fell over from the sheer awkward pressure of having both his cool line and his fist bump totally blown off, but he recovered quickly.

If he'd been able to see Tsubasa's face, though, he'd have noticed a faint red blush on her cheeks. Unfortunately, she had absolutely no intention of letting him see that, so all he got to see was her back as she stared out into the storm.

The weather was starting to finally let up now, with the last of the thunder and lightning having been done with minutes ago. The rain was beginning to pitter out, turning into more of a drizzle rather than a torrential downpour. Glancing back towards the direction of the cram school, Issei remembered his errand.

"Well, um, as totally confusing as this has all been, I should really be getting back to Kiss-Shot now, so, uh… bye?" he said, rubbing the back of his head and wondering what in the world the awkward interactions he was having with Tsubasa were all about.

"Bye, Hyoudou. I promise not to try and kill you next time… probably. And, by the way- don't think I didn't notice you staring at my chest through my wet shirt. Are you at least going to comment on how cute my bra is?" she asked with a sly grin, turning her head just enough to look smugly at him with one eye.

"Bye!"

Having been successfully found out, Issei shot off faster than a bullet to escape from the ensuing wrath. Of course, Tsubasa actually had no idea if he had been ogling her- she'd been far too focused on ogling him to keep a good eye out. It was more of an educated guess, that he'd been checking her out.

Not that she really minded.

"WHAT WERT THOU THINKING?!"

The little girl's shriek could be heard all around the cram school, echoing throughout the halls and making Issei's ears hurt a little too much.

"What are you-"

"I toldst thou the limit of thy power is thy body! Thou cannot pull lightning from the sky, I said!"

Issei's foot erupted in pain as Kiss-Shot stomped on it, her face bright red and clearly ticked off.

"And what dost this meatheaded servant of mine do?!"

"You're overreacting-"

"He conjures it anyway!" she yelled, before driving her foot into his shin and leaving him aching on the ground.

Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade huffed indignantly, turning away from the writhing boy.

"Lightning is fickle," she said after a moment, calming down enough to speak reasonably. "If ye don't take care to use it properly, it can devour ye. I did not warn thee because ye cannot pull lightning from the sky- rather, 'twas a misspeak on my part. I meant thou shouldst not. Ye cannot die to it, nor any other natural thing, but it could scar thy mind. What do you humans call it? 'shell-shock'?"

Softly, almost gently, Kiss-Shot approached Issei and began to ruffle his hair, smiling. "Wounds of the mind are not so easily healed," she said, as if imparting great wisdom.

Issei simply looked up at her for a moment, then deadpanned.

"Screw that!" he yelled, jumping up off the ground. "You said I couldn't! I totally could! I totally did!"

"Hah?! Didst thou not listen to a word of my sagely advice?!"

"Your advice sucks! You almost got me killed! Dramaturgy just about turned me into a vampire filet!"

"That one was the weakest of the three! Thou couldst destroy him with but a single slap!"

"That would've been handy information to have before I went to go fight him!"

"'Twas common sense!"

"Your common sense is totally stupid! How the hell was I supposed to know that?!"

"Thou art the kin of the King of Monsters! That vampire is a part time bounty hunter! He is barely fit to call himself a vampire at all! Even the half-blood is stronger than he!"

"I didn't know that made me Superman, you little twerp!"

"A super-man? Spare me thy fantasies! Thou art more akin to a super-worm!"

"Why, you-"

"Geez, you two sure are feisty."

Kiss-Shot and Issei both stopped mid wrestling match to see that Oshino Mémé had snuck in at some point, watching the two of them from one of the cram school classroom's desks. He had it turned around so that he was sitting backwards in it as he watched them, swishing an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

"Something good happen?"

When they saw him, Issei cringed and turned away, and Kiss-Shot's eyes filled with excitement.

"There thou art, boy! Prithee return to me my limb!" she yelled, pointing to the blue duffel bag atop Oshino's desk. Smirking, he swished his cigarette around a little more before underhand tossing the bag to the vampire, who excitedly began to tear into it.

When she finally got it open, Issei blanched.

He hadn't really known what to expect, but it certainly hadn't been the fully-intact lower leg of a grown woman, still wearing black leggings and a white heel.

Kiss-Shot's eyes lit up when she saw it, and she eagerly held the leg up, as if admiring it.

"You're not just gonna stick that back on, right?" Issei asked incredulously, rubbing the back of his head in disbelief. "I mean, it's like… the same size as your whole body."

"Of course not. Don't be a fool," Kiss-Shot retorted, sticking her tongue out at him.

"Then how-"

"Like this," she said, cutting him off.

Without an ounce of hesitation, Kiss-Shot tilted her head down and took a bite out of the calf muscle of her own leg, making Issei cringe as his stomach did a flip.

"By the way, is it not good manners to leave a lady alone while she eats? Begone, both of ye!" she yelled, shooing them out of the classroom.

Issei and Oshino quickly withdrew from the room, and the door closed behind them.

Oshino laughed, leaning against the wall of the classroom and taking out another cigarette. He flicked the used one away and put the new one in his mouth, swishing it around as he looked at the teenager in front of him.

Issei was leaning against a rail, looking down at the floor beneath them, with a curious look on his face.

"Hey, Oshino," he said after a quiet moment. "How come Kiss-Shot isn't regenerating?"

"Hmm?"

"Well, when I was fighting Dramaturgy, he totally blew my left arm off- but it was back before I even had a chance to freak out about it. Plus, after you showed up, I went back to look for the original one and it had just disappeared. Why aren't Kiss-Shot's limbs coming back?"

Oshino hummed and swished his cigarette around some more, looking up at the ceiling.

"By the time you found her, Heartunderblade had already lost most of her 'immortality' as a vampire, so to speak."

"...huh?"

"Her limbs aren't coming back because those three have taken great pains to ensure that they don't. Special rituals, and such. They basically… cauterized the wound, so it can't close properly. Make sense?"

Issei still looked wildly confused, so Oshino laughed and kept going.

"Think of it like this. Your master is a big deal, you know? The King of Monsters. She didn't get that title from her looks, kid. To steal even some of her power would be a game changer. So, if you were going to hunt her, wouldn't you want to take her immortality, rather than just destroy it?"

Issei didn't even really know what to say for a bit. What had come out of Oshino's mouth was somehow both more and less cryptic than anything he'd said so far, and he didn't know where to start.

"You keep saying King of Monsters… what exactly does that mean?" he asked, wagering that was as good a place as any.

Oshino grinned, turning his cigarette up towards the ceiling.

"Exactly what it sounds like," he answered. "Sacred beasts, Dragons, other assorted monsters… they're all beneath her."

"Whoa…" Issei whispered, blown away that things like that not only existed, but apparently were subservient to the little girl in the next room.. After a while of taking that in, he asked another question. "How did she get that title?"

Oshino Mémé smirked widely.

"Ever heard of Typhon?" he asked. "From your Greek Mythology class, probably."

"Typhon…?" Issei questioned in return, feeling like he was staring down into an abyss of things he knew nothing about.

"Ha! 'Course not. Typhon was the King of Monsters, a titan of ridiculous power, stronger than almost every being on the planet. But, one day, he barked up the wrong tree, so to speak, and your dear master relieved him of his title- and his head," Oshino cackled.

"Holy shit…"

"But enough about that, kid. This old man could bore your ear off with stories about Gods and Titans all day long, but let's worry about the present for now. Let's talk about you."

Oshino flipped his cigarette down into his hand, pointing it at Issei with a grin.

"Me? What about me?" the teenager asked, curious.

"How do you feel?" Oshino questioned, still grinning his sketchy grin. "About all of this. You're holding up pretty well, for a teenager thrust into the supernatural. What's your take?"

Issei had the strangest feeling he was being interrogated, but he didn't let it deter him.

"It's kind of cool," he answered, sheepishly rubbing the back of his head. "Feels like I'm suddenly in some shounen manga. I just had my first superpowered school battle and everything."

"That so? And how about Heartunderblade? You like her?"

"Do I like her? You mean, like…"

"Nah, not in the schoolyard kissy-kissy way. I mean, do you like who she is? You seem like you've got a good eye for character- what's your take on the Queenly King?"

Now that was a question he wasn't expecting.

Issei sighed and looked back down at the floor below them, staring off at nothing.

"She seems lost," he mumbled.

At that, Oshino's grin grew just a bit more.

"Couldn't agree more," the sleazy old man answered, before flicking his cigarette away. He drew himself up to full height, then exhaled deeply and checked his watch. "She should be done by now. Go on in."

Issei perked up, as if he'd been lost in thought, then nodded and opened the door. He walked in slowly, not really knowing what to expect- and the sight that greeted him was indeed unexpected.

May 2nd

Issei watched Asia as she tried to figure out how best to approach eating the donut, conscious all the while of the ancient monster glaring a hole into the side of his head. His bond with Shinobu transmitted nothing but pure malice, but he couldn't for the life of him guess why. He'd gotten her the donuts she'd desired, so why was she pissed?

Did she really dislike Asia that much, or was there some other reason?

Shinobu, easily able to detect that her master had no idea why she was upset, only grew moreso. She growled and kicked him in the shin under the table, not even bothering to stop glaring or pretend it was an accident.

Issei yelped and glared right back at her, annoyed at her annoyance. Even at their paltry level of vampirism, Shinobu was many, many times physically superior to the average human, and her kick was more than enough to fracture his shin. It healed quickly enough, but it still hurt.

"What the hell is your problem?" He whispered under his breath.

Not deigning to dignify his idioicy with a response, Shinobu just harrumphed and turned away, beginning to pick at her donuts. Asia, meanwhile, had given up on trying to hold the strange delicacy and now began scanning the room for cutlery, wondering if she was supposed to have a knife and fork.

Issei's first instinct was to help Asia, and show her how to eat a donut properly- but, suddenly, he felt a strong desire to get his other half back for her assault on his leg. A very, very misguided idea formed in his head, and Shinobu picked up on his intent immediately.

"'Twould behoove ye to reconsider," she growled, her eyes sharpening at him. She couldn't tell what he was planning, but she knew it would annoy her.

"I'll be right back, I gotta go to the bathroom." Issei said, not even bothering to hide his grin as he stood up from the table. He quickly fled to Mister Donut's restroom, leaving Asia alone with his extremely irate partner in crime.

Shinobu audibly growled, wondering how best to repay his audacity.

"Um, miss Shinobu?" Asia said, catching the vampire's attention.

Shinobu had half a mind to ignore the cretin outright, as punishment for intruding upon her master, but she allowed the girl a gaze at least.

"I'm sorry for interrupting your date with mister Issei..." Asia mumbled, looking genuinely remorseful.

Shinobu's brows furrowed as she wracked her mind, trying to remember the definition of 'date' in this language and time period. Geologically, Italian was very close to her native language, but the dialect she'd learned was seemingly out of fashion. Some worm named "Dante" had apparently unified the language while she wasn't paying attention.

What a pain.

She raised her hand to scramble her own brains and force a memory, but the confused look on the sister's face told her that may leave the girl fleeing in terror.

Although, she mused, that would be an apt punishment for her wretch of a master- to watch his new 'friend' run away with her tail tucked.

Shinobu slowly lowered her hand, sighing inwardly. She didn't care for conversing with those beneath her, or those above her, or anyone, really- but something about this innocent girl reminded her of herself, once upon a time.

"'Tis indeed unfortunate," she replied, still not entirely sure what the definition of 'date' was in this context. "But thou'rt hardly at fault, sister. Blame rests entirely on the shoulders of that damnable boy."

"I can leave, if you want…" Asia offered, a sad smile on her face. "I'd hate to be in the way."

"Nay," Shinobu declined, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth. "'Twould ruin my master's mood, which would sour my appetite. Think not of it. He beget thee accompany us, so I shall honor his arrangements. Aggravating though they are…" she added, glaring at the bathroom door.

"Ah… thank you," Asia replied, glad she wasn't too unwelcome. "To tell the truth, I wanted to decline, so I wouldn't be in the way, but… I got so excited at the thought of having fun with friends."

Asia trailed off, seemingly embarrassed at the sentiment, and Shinobu inwardly scowled.

Friends?

Who did this presumptuous nun think she was?

Shinobu had half a mind to simply punish the girl for her impudence right now, her master's feelings notwithstanding.

But, she'd already deigned to put on airs, and it had been a while since she'd sharpened her deceitful tongue anyway- she could use the practice.

"Is that so?" Shinobu asked, truthfully not caring in the slightest. "Hast thou none?"

"Friends? Well, not really…"

Asia seemed to become uncomfortable at the question, and Shinobu wondered if her attempt at a conversation had been for naught, but she soon began to speak again.

"I was raised by the Church," the nun said, sounding terribly sad. "I wasn't allowed to have friends or anything like that."

Try as I might, I could not keep my displeasure from rearing its head as the nun prattled on.

My mood, while already justifiably foul due to my impetuous master's ill-advised absconsion, became more so when the sister began to drone.

It soured even further when she mentioned that damnable den of iniquity, however. To say I disdain the church of God would be both entirely correct and a woefully inadequate understatement, and despite my endeavor to sharpen my guile against this unworthy whelp, I found myself vexed.

"Raised as a saint, I suppose," I replied, inferring her status given her demeanor and abilities. Irritated though I was, I persisted in my attempts to hone my tongue. 'Twould make for a decent passtime, if nothing else, and help to slake my desire to flay this creature before me as an indignant display against my master. "And now a fallen saint, judging from thy current position."

If the nun had any sense at all in that head of hers, she may have realized my words implied that I knew she kept those disgusting carrion crows as company. But, fortunately, or rather, unfortunately for me, as I did not wish to continue this ridiculous tête-à-tête, she did not seem to piece that together.

Where is that cretin who dares proclaim himself my master? I shouldst relieve that obstinate boor of his conniving head for this slight; perhaps even thrice. Leaving me alone with this ignorant, naive babe- no longer am I a god or a king, but still I cannot suffer such grievous sin to pass.

"I'm afraid so," the nun answered, her expression every bit as dismal as a rainy day. "The church cast me out for blasphemy when they discovered my power could heal devils. I've been excommunicated," she explained, on the verge of tears.

To another, this may be a revelation- to one such as I, however, who hast lived six human lifetimes, this was no surprise. I have seen the worst of humanity, and no small part of it was under the direction of men who wore saintly robes. 'Tis exactly that sort of sanctimonious pharisaism that boils my blood.

"Such is the hypocrisy of the church," I sighed, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. "Thou wouldst do well to accept their malice and return it in kind. A hateful heart warms even the coldest night."

"Oh, no, no!" The sister exclaimed, her eyes wide as if she feared my very words. "I could never hate the church!"

"...why?" I asked. 'Tis perhaps the first time in an age that I found it within myself, but a flutter of amused curiosity sprang up within me. How could one so reviled ever think to look upon her abusers with kind eyes? A laughable thought.

"Why can't I hate them? Because they don't deserve that! The church is good, and filled with good people! They just…"

The nun trailed off, seemingly unable to justify her own feelings.

It was then that amusement turned to umbrage, and I lost any desire to hold my tongue.

If she could not even justify her own feelings, then why did she leap to the defense of those who would see her slain? Not laughable, nay. Moronic. Damnable.

"Thou art as naive as a newborn pup. Nay, moreso- even an abused pup has sense enough to turn from the hand that strikes it. Hast thou not pondered why the church would do something so ungodly as to excommunicate an innocent child for the crime of being merciful? They preach of acceptance and forgiveness for every soul, yet wicked actions echo far louder than hollow words. Thou wert a tool to them. Nothing more."

"Do… Do you hate the church, miss Shinobu?" The nun asked me, avoiding my words entirely.

"Hate implies that one cares at all. The church means as little to me as thine apathetic god's 'children' do to him," I spat. "Were he half as benevolent as thy fantasies, suffering would not exist, and I…"

…

…would not have been shackled in an eternal living hell, I had been going to say.

I trailed off, losing myself in thought.

Was there any point in shoving my blame for God onto this young sister?

No.

She knows not that I wandered alone for centuries, begging to die, nor that I cried His name in desperation more times than could possibly be counted.

Long has it been since my burning hate grew to cold apathy. Though the church itself remains a thorn in my side, my heart has no room left to hate an absent God or his misguided worshippers.

Now without a target, the rage within me swiftly cooled. Perhaps some time ago, I would've allowed myself to kill this innocent girl to soothe my irritation, if nothing else, but… being bonded to Issei Hyoudou influenced me in more ways than one.

"Miss Shinobu… what happened to you?"

"A great many things, sister," I said. "I do not respect thy faith, nor thy loyalty to the ones that hurt thee, but… I understand. Thou feelst thy suffering is a trial that will bring thee closer to thy God. Thou thinks it a test, of thy faith and thy resolve."

"...I do. I believe that-"

"'Tis neither. Suffering is not a trial, nor a test. If ye heed not a word else from me, heed this- Suffering is naught but suffering. There is no respite. There is no reward."

For but a moment, the sister cast her face down upon her breakfast, and her eyes watered as if fit to cry- but then, to my surprise, she raised them to look back at my own. Instead of anger or sadness, she reflected gentle resolve.

"That's what everyone tells me," she said, her eyes shining bright. "Everyone always says I'm silly for believing despite my troubles. But, as Saint Teresa said… Suffering will come, trouble will come- that's part of life; a sign that you are alive."

…

Hmph.

Relentlessly naive, but… her optimism is enjoyable, if nothing else.

Perhaps I do not understand after all.

"Thou art foolish, sister, but also intriguing. Ye remind me of another I knew- a priest of your faith, a man unerring in his conviction and unshakable in his resolve."

Just like Guillotine Cutter, Asia Argento was a human I could not comprehend.

At my praise, she smiled brightly, slightly bowing her head in thanks.

"You're very kind, Miss Shinobu," she said. "I'm very blessed to have met you."

Foolish indeed.

I could hardly keep myself from grinning at her words. My master cares not for deception, but I have always enjoyed its charms, and the irony of a legendary vampire being praised by a nun of the church was not lost on me.

How would she react if she knew I was responsible for the deaths of not just her former comrade, but tens of thousands of other humans, I wonder?

It tickles me to imagine.

"Still thy misguided tongue, and enough of theology. Thy pathetic attempts to eat the delicacy before ye offend not just me but the sanctity of Mister Donut, and I'll have thee repent."

As I began to instruct the sister on how to properly eat her donuts, my master chose to finally make his reappearance. Like as not, he had heard the sister's words and saw my actions through my senses, and was confounded that his plot to annoy me had somehow failed. He slowly poked his head through the doorway to the restrooms, looking hesitantly in our direction.

Unfortunately for the boy, there can be no doubt I have influenced him as well. Months ago, he would never have left one as dangerous as I alone with this defenseless pup for something so mundane as a prank. Now… he thinks himself a jester. It tickles me to have foiled his plot, but it is troublesome that he tried plotting at all. I shall have to break the habit from him.

Perhaps it would be good to truly- what is the phrase- put the final nail in his coffin? To strike his foolish plan for a prank down for good.

"This is how one properly eats a donut, sister. Watch closely. I shan't instruct ye a second time."

Issei Hyoudou could hardly believe his eyes.

Not only was Shinobu not hyper-aggravated by Asia, she was actually teaching the girl how to eat a donut.

It wasn't possible. A truly unimaginable scene. The vampire formerly known as Heartunderblade, sharing a donut with a nun?

Not possible.

Something in Issei's brain short-circuited as he retook his seat at the table, failing entirely to notice Shinobu's smug grin.

"Welcome back mister Issei," Asia said good-naturedly, finally eating her breakfast properly. "Miss Shinobu was just showing me how to eat a donut."

"I see that," Issei muttered, himself annoyed that Shinobu wasn't. "I'm glad you guys are getting along."

"Truly?" Shinobu asked with a smirk, knowing full well he wasn't.

"Sure am," he deadpanned in response. "Anyway… Asia, what were you doing with that douchedick anyway? Why the hell were you with a psycho priest?"

"That's… a long story," Asia said, her expression falling. She put down what was left of her donut, then looked back up at him. "But I think you deserve to know, since you saved me from that awful vampire."

The smug aura radiating off of Shinobu was palpable, the vampiress apparently very pleased with herself for Asia's failure to realize she was sitting next to her "attacker."

"A long time ago, when I was just a little girl, I was cast out from the church for healing a wounded devil. They said that, because my power could heal devils as well as humans, I was a witch. A heretic."

Asia's mood soured further and further as she spoke, but she wasn't the only one.

Shinobu, annoyed that she had to listen to the child's exposition not just once but twice, was staring angrily at Issei for the millionth time that morning. He just had to ask. Of course, Issei just ignored her, choosing instead to focus on the adorable nun pouring her heart out to him.

"I was excommunicated and abandoned, and I wandered around for years. Recently though, I was contacted by some fallen angels in this town. They wanted me to come to their church, and said that they could help me become closer to God. They're wicked, nasty people. I knew better than to trust them, I just… didn't have anywhere else to go. Mister Freed was working for them, too."

Issei listened closely, hanging on her every word. In fact, he was listening so closely that he didn't realize she had stopped talking and was seemingly waiting for some kind of response.

Shinobu, who was surprisingly also paying rapt attention at this point, discreetly elbowed him beneath the table, bringing him back to reality.

"That was it? Oh, sorry, I mean… yeah, that's really horrible. Sorry, I just… you said 'long story' so I was totally expecting something way longer-"

"Thou art absolutely shameless. The child bares her wounds to thee and what is thy response? An insult."

"Don't give me that, I know you were expecting more too!"

"Tosh. I was paying rapt attention, as the narrator said. Not to mention, I heard the girl's tale when thou wert hiding in the water-closet."

"What narrator?! And what the hell is a water closet? Update your vocabulary already!"

"Clearly they were mistaken. Thou wert paying no attention at all- merely staring at her inadequate bosom. And, my vocabulary is immaculate. 'Tis not any fault of mine that the world chooses to use such garish terms."

"Inadequate?! You're one to talk! You spend half your time having no tits at all!"

"I beg thy pardon?! My breasts are magnificent to behold! Thou shouldst know most of all, since thy wretched hands cannot be trusted to-"

Shinobu's insult was interrupted by the sound of a cute laugh, and both she and Issei turned to see Asia giggling to herself as she watched them banter. When she realized they stopped, she looked mildly embarrassed, waving her hands in front of her blushing face as if to stop them from looking at her.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I just… you two are such good friends. I'm a little jealous."

"Friends? My ass…"

"Silence."

With one final glare at each other, Shinobu and Issei turned back to Asia, who was still more than a little embarrassed at her own words.

"Anyway, Asia, do you not have any friends?" Issei asked rather abruptly, not possessing nearly enough social awareness to realize that was a bit of an awkward and rude question.

Asia took it in stride however, softly shaking her head.

"I don't," she replied, her voice quiet. "I never have. Friends are… they're all I've really ever wanted, to be honest…"

Issei was struck by the sincerity with which the nun spoke, once again his heart stung with guilt at having deceived this innocent girl so thoroughly.

She had no idea he was a vampire and a devil, or that he was indirectly responsible for Freed's death.

She had no idea that he was directly responsible for the death of another human, either, or that he-

Issei shook his head, dismissing his self-deprecating thoughts.

It didn't matter what he had or hadn't done. She wanted a friend, and- devil and vampire though he may be- that was something he could provide.

"Well, screw the church! They don't know what they're missing out on! We'll be your friends, Asia!"

Asia's eyes widened at his bold (and somewhat loud- other patrons had looked over at his outburst) declaration, but hers weren't the only ones-

Shinobu looked as if she'd stepped on poop in her favorite shoes, staring bewildered at Issei.

"Art thou mad?" She exclaimed, mentally speaking through their bond. "Forget thy master's disposition and the damnable nun, didst thou truly just offer my friendship? Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade doesn't make friends!"

"Good thing you're Shinobu," he retorted. "C'mon, it won't hurt you to have a friend. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Live another century or two and that question won't seem so trivial, milord," she growled sarcastically. "I shan't. I refuse. Absolutely not, under no circumstances."

"Shinobu, I order you as your master to be Asia's friend."

A silence hung over the table for a moment as Asia took in Issei's earlier words and Shinobu processed his current ones (the latter conversation having happened in the space of a mere instant, what with mental communication being a great deal faster than the verbal sort.)

"Really? No, I couldn't… we shouldn't-"

"To hell with that," Issei interrupted. "We're your friends now, and that's final. No ifs, ands, or buts about it."

Issei knew what was coming before it happened, but that didn't stop him from flinching as Shinobu drove her stiletto heel through his foot under the table. He gasped and very nearly cried out from the abrupt pain, but she didn't make any move to pull it out.

"Of course," Shinobu said, her voice more strained than Issei had ever heard it. "We wouldst be delighted to be thy companions."

Outwardly, she smiled at Asia Argento as she spoke, but Issei knew she was boiling under the surface.

At this point, he had only ever ordered her to do one thing ever, something that had made her dead heart pound in her chest, (not that he knew that) and now he'd made the second something trivial and annoying.

"That's… that's wonderful! I'm so glad!" Asia exclaimed, smiling so bright Issei thought she might blind him.

Or, so he would've thought, had his mind not been occupied by Shinobu's heel still being inside his body.

Straining not to yell from the pain, Issei grabbed Shinobu's thigh and tried to yank her leg up, but her strength was far greater. She merely cocked her head at him, the corner of her mouth turned up in a grin. To the outside observer, it looked like Issei was freaking out over something under the table and she had absolutely nothing to do with it- they would have no idea of the struggle going on beneath.

"Hast thou learned thy lesson? Methinks thou shalt reconsider when next ye order me."

Growling in anger and frustration, Issei did the unthinkable- he wrapped his hands around Shinobu's waist, and, against every instinct in both he and his other half's bodies, he began to tickle Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade.

"Eep!"

Issei began to relentlessly tickle the legendary vampire, and while his attempt to remove her foot from his was in vain due to her suddenly kicking and thrashing, he did find out something remarkable-

Shinobu was ticklish.

He'd had no idea.

Not even the faintest notion.

This had been a last ditch effort, something he normally never would've attempted.

Who could've possibly guessed the legendary iron-blooded hot-blooded cold-blooded vampire would be ticklish?

Certainly not Issei Hyoudou, and he'd been attached to her for quite some time now.

But, Issei was nothing if not an opportunist, and so his hands danced along her waist in a mad frenzy.

Poor Asia Argento suddenly felt very out of place as people all around the donut shop looked over in their direction. She'd already felt bad for intruding on their date, but now it seemed like they were just flirting in front of her…

But, she was happy for her new friends! What a lovely relationship these two must have, she thought.

She didn't feel the slightest bit jealous, or awkward. Not one bit.

As for Shinobu, even she hadn't known she was ticklish.

And she was not a fan.

For all her strength and power, she was reduced to a giggling teenager that perfectly fit the form she was taking as she struggled to keep Issei's hands off of her. She trashed and kicked around in the seat, and, eventually, her heel came out of Issei's foot. He hissed in pain and reflexively pulled his hands back, finally giving the poor vampire time to breathe.

And breathe she did, shortly before slapping a tooth out of his mouth.

"Well, that was very fun. Thank you for bringing me along," Asia said, smiling brightly as she followed Issei out of Mister Donut.

Issei, meanwhile, groaned in acknowledgement, rubbing the side of his face as he waited for the pain to go away so he could speak again. A glaring red handprint was bright on his cheek, and he could feel a tooth that was almost done regrowing in the back of his jaw.

Shinobu was completely irate, standing several feet behind the two of them. Her face too was bright red, though for a very different reason, and she had it skillfully hidden behind the hood of her purple jacket.

To think, Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade, the former King of Monsters, so easily felled by tickling. It made her extremely upset, to say the least, and Issei's face reflected that.

Of course, not a soul alive would ever know that she'd actually somewhat kind-of partially enjoyed having his hands wrapped around her waist-

"Shinobu, are you coming or not?" Issei asked, half hoping his pissed-off counterpart would say no.

"Silence, wretch!" the vampiress yelled in response, but she followed along.

At a respectable distance, of course.

As they walked out, Issei lamented the fact that his wallet was a good deal lighter. Just Shinobu's appetite was already hard enough to manage, but throw Asia on top of it too- and the nun was a surprisingly voracious eater- and it definitely hurt his funds.

The very second they stepped outside of the donut shop, all hell broke loose.

Shinobu immediately knew something was wrong, and while she leapt forward in his defense, Issei was pierced by not one but four fallen light-spears before he could even react.

Asia screamed in terror as she watched Issei get turned into a pincushion, but she didn't have time to sit around and think about it.

There was a flutter of black wings and the sounds of shouting, and a figure flew forward and grabbed Asia by the hair.

"Got you now, bitch!" Kalawarner yelled triumphantly, yanking Asia up into the air.

By this point, Issei had well and truly realized they were being ambushed, but he couldn't do much in the way of stopping it as he fell to the ground in agony. Shinobu stood defensively between her master and about forty rogue priests, apparently gathered by the fallen for this attack.

"Wretched carrion birds!" Shinobu roared, pure rage on her face. "This defiant act shall be thy last!"

"Who the hell is she?" Dohanseek asked, his lame fedora poking out from the crowd of priests.

"It doesn't matter! The shrimp-dick who killed Lady Raynare is dead, right?! Then let's get out of here!" said another, a girly voice Issei didn't recognize.

Without a word, Kalawarner began to teleport away, purple magic flaring to life around her. Shinobu was quick to react, fabricating a razor-sharp blade and flinging it at the fallen faster than the eye could follow, but Kalawarner's magic was faster.

She and Asia disappeared without a trace, and the other two fallen were shortly behind her.

Shinobu growled and ground her teeth in anger, but she quickly tabled any thoughts of going after them as she realized the priests weren't going anywhere. They tentatively stepped towards Issei, apparently given orders to kill him no matter what. Shinobu raised her claws and bared her fangs, ready to kill each and every one, but a whisper from Issei caught her attention.

"Shinobu-!" he croaked, yanking a spear out of his chest. "My blood!"

Without a moment's hesitation, Shinobu turned around and took her teeth to Issei's neck, biting down and starting to drain every drop of blood she could.

The priests weren't idle during this move of course, and as they began their attack, the pair felt the sting of light from the guns and blades they carried- but it was too late.

Within mere moments, Shinobu had drained the last of Issei's blood, and her form quickly shifted.

Gone was Shinobu Oshino, and in her place was Kiss-Shot Acerola-Orion Heartunderblade. As her power leaked out over the vicinity, the priests halted their assault, staring at her in abject horror.

As Kiss-Shot removed her fangs from Issei's neck and turned towards the priests, both she and Issei burst into flames, but neither of them outwardly reacted. Issei was already in mind-numbing agony from the light spears, and Kiss-Shot cared not for such trifling things as pain.

Grinding her teeth in rage, her eyes flashed with hatred and she was mere instants from obliterating every single human in the area- but Issei's hand reached out and grabbed her wrist, stopping her.

"Save Asia!" he croaked out from inside the inferno, the last of his wounds closing. "I'll handle them!"

With a quick glance up and down to ensure that her master wasn't going to die yet again, Kiss-Shot accepted that he was sufficiently immortal, and immediately jumped straight up into the sky. Her wicked wings unfurled, and with a sonic boom, she was gone.

Every single priest watched her fly away, and, as they began to believe the "threat" was gone, they turned their eyes back down towards Issei-

But he was gone.

In the place where the burning, wounded boy had been, there was nothing but a cloud of fog.

How was it? Good, bad?

Hopefully good. Like I said, most of this was written a while ago- for the longest time, that Asia scene gave me huge fits, but I think I made it work in the end. Oh well. All's well that ends well.

Anyway, I know for the last lot of chapters, I've been asking whether I should do Kiss-Shot x Issei or Issei x Harem: good news! I decided. Bad news; you'll have to wait and see! So please for the love of god, don't leave reviews saying "i think harem" or "i think single pairing" because jesus guys that's like 90% of the reviews on this fic.

Btw, I'm currently undergoing minor revisions to earlier parts of the story. I plan on doing the first several chapters, and currently chapter 1 is finished, so if you haven't already, I would suggest a re-read of that first chapter. There will be minor continuity errors until the revisions are totally done, but oh well.

Anyway, that's about all I got for now. Please, if you enjoyed the story, leave a review- this story is EXTREMELY high effort, and seeing all your positive reviews really makes it feel worth it. Next, I'll probably be updating Dance with the Devil or Maid for Each other, so stay tuned for that.

And, of course, if you want sneak peeks of my work or to just drop in and say high, my discord server would be more than happy to have you.

di scord .gg / AaQDtrWMTN

Just delete the spaces and paste into your browser, ezpz.

Alright, that's all I got. If you notice any errors, be sure to let me know, and, as always-

See you next mission!