Not Another Ninja!

Disclaimer – Even if I told you that I did own Naruto, it's not like you would believe me, right? Let's just go with what you think.

A/n – Yay! My AP United States Government exam is over! I actually think I did pretty well, too. So, now I can update a bunch since I don't need to study! And I had a really amusing bit of randomness for this chapter, but I've completely forgotten what it was, so you'll just have to deal with it until I remember! And also, if you can't find the Monty Python reference in here, you, A. are blind, B. are stupid, or C. have been living under a rock for most of the duration of your life.

And, if you're actually reading these notes, instead of just skipping to the fic, REVIEW! But you would do that anyway. Right?

Chapter Eight – Drastic Measures: Part One

"Umm…" Olivia whispered as the group was herded along by Kakashi, Kurenai, Asuma, and Gai. "Does anyone have any idea where we're going?"

"NO TALKING!" Kurenai screamed. She was clearly still upset that her idea hadn't worked and instead they were using Kakashi's idea.

"Yeah…" Leah said, "You see, I'm not so good at not talking, so I was wondering if-" She promptly shut up as a kunai thrown by Asuma whizzed past her head.

Naruto, for once, was actually being quiet. It was most likely out of terror, considering that he was walking right behind Leah and was likewise graced with the opportunity to have a pointy object zoom past him about a centimeter away from his head.

Sasuke, clearly fuming, was not at all hesitant to glare at everyone around him without letup. Indeed, within twenty minutes Sasuke was subject to about ten different mental death threats. However, being Sasuke, he continued to glare.

Michelle, being herself, as usual, was clutching the ten dollar bill that she took from Olivia and laughing manically.

"MICHELLE!" Kurenai screamed (you'd think she would have lost her voice by now, but no…), "I DO NOT PERMIT MANIACAL LAUGHTER IN MY PRESENCE! STOP!" Her screaming had no effect, and Michelle continued to laugh maniacally. "I MEAN IT! SHUT UP!" Michelle did not shut up. Finally, Kurenai simply walked up to her and snatched the money from her hands.

"What the crap! That's mine, dammit! I won it!" Michelle babbled, indignant.

Kurenai smiled evilly (because if she wasn't capable of that before, she is now!). "It's mine, now."

Michelle roared, and launched herself at Kurenai.

"Talk about overreaction," Naruto said to Temari, who was behind him, "That stupid Ero-sennin takes my money all the time!"

"You're not one to talk," Sakura said from three feet to Naruto's left.

At this point, Kurenai was holding Michelle upside down from one ankle, this being possible because Michelle is super-teeny. Michelle was not pleased. "It's mine! I won it fair and square with only minimal amounts of cheating!"

"Well," Olivia said, "Technically, it's really mine because we aren't legally old enough to gamble…"

Kurenai smiled sweetly. "Well, in order to solve this disagreement between the two of you, I'll keep it for you. Does that sound fair?"

"No!" Olivia and Michelle yelled together.

Two shurikens appeared in Kurenai's hand that wasn't occupied by holding Michelle. "I asked, does that sound fair?"

Michelle and Olivia gulped and nodded. Michelle was dropped on her head. "Ouch! That hurt!"

However, Kurenai wasn't listening. She was too busy shoving everyone else back into their original line. The line was very similar to the circle, going from Naruto to Gaara, Leah, Shino, Olivia, Neji, Hinata, Michelle, Kiba, Kankuro, Ino, Sakura, Chouji, Sasuke, Shikamaru, Lee, Anko, Tenten, and Temari. Forget similar to the circle, it was the exact same!

"Alright, we're here!" Gai said in an annoying sing-song-y voice.

"What the crap?" Anko said, "Why are we at the 44th training zone? Chuunin exams aren't for a while!"

"Ah, you see, Anko, this has nothing to do with the exam. This is going to be your home for the next week."

"WHAT!" every single member of the group (Sasuke and Gaara included) shrieked.

"That simply cannot be possible!" Ino screeched, "What will I do about my hair!"

"Sakura-san!" Lee yelled, "Do you want to share a tree with me?"

"Eeeww! No!" Sakura yelled. She calmed instantaneously. "Sasuke-kun, do you want to share a tree with me?"

"Let me think about it," Sasuke said, "No."

"Ugh," Leah said, "A week living in a tree, with no TV, no computers, no video games… no civilization…"

"Oh, no," Kakashi said, "You're not living in trees. You're living in tents."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Leah said dryly, "A week living in a tent, with nothing but my Nintendo DS to occupy me…"

"Oh, wait!" Asuma said, "You can't take a DS into the Forest of Death. You'll be too distracted playing it and you'll get eaten by snakes. You'd better give it to me."

"No way!" Leah yelled, "I can see through your words! You just want to play it, don't you? You're going to waste all the batteries, and I left my charger in Rockville!"

"That's not true!" Asuma said as he yoinked Leah's DS out of her shuriken holder. "What the hell? All you've got in here are Animal Crossing and Pokemon Emerald! What's wrong with you?"

Leah sighed. "I have Metroid Prime: Hunters and Final Fantasy IV: Advance in my pocket. If I give you those to play, can I keep my cell phone?" She pulled out the little chip and the cartridge and blew into them like you do with any cartridge game.

"Deal," Asuma said as he grabbed the games and stuck them in the DS.

"You'd damn well give it back when we're done," Leah muttered, "I paid for that thing with my own money, and it was expensive."

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Asuma said, clearly absorbed in the prospect of blowing up aliens with a laser gun.

The gate swung open, and Kakashi addressed the group. "The rules of this little game are simple. Once you're in, we're locking the gates behind you. When we come back for you in a week, everyone in the group must still be alive. If you are, you get to leave. If not, we leave you in the forest to rot. Or get eaten alive by tigers. Your choice."

Shikamaru sighed. "With the given group, this seems to be rather difficult. How troublesome."

"Oh, don't say that!" Anko said with an evil grin, "This will be fun for you!"

"But, Kakashi-sensei," Chouji whined, "We'll starve in there!"

Kakashi shrugged. "You've got Anko with you. We figure she knows enough about this place to hold you to some degree of survival. Not sure what degree, but, hey, where's the adventure in knowing everything?"

Naruto appeared to be in shock. "No ramen. There is no ramen in the Forest of Death. None at all. No ramen for a week. A week without ramen. I want ramen so badly. But there is no ramen. No ramen at all."

Temari smacked him with her fan. "Shut up."

Naruto was not listening. He was busy staring at Ino's hair. "Is that ramen? It looks like ramen. So tasty… must eat…" Naruto was promptly knocked out by Ino.

"Well," Gai said, gesturing towards the gate, "Get going."

The entire group slouched and trudged towards the gate. This of course excluded Naruto, who was currently having his face dragged across the ground as he was towed by his toe by Gaara's sand.

"Okay!" Anko yelled, "We're setting up camp here! Naruto, go get some firewood." Naruto, who was now conscious, complied sulkily. "Sasuke, once Naruto gets back, start a fire." Sasuke made some sort of noise that could possibly be taken as consent. "Lee and Tenten, start setting up tents." Lee and Tenten, being the enthusiastic people they are, immediately got to work. "Ino, Sakura, and Chouji, go look for food or anything that looks edible." Said three drearily trudged off into the woods. "Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro, patrol around the camp to make sure there's nothing in here that we don't want to be." In an incredible spurt of OOCness, Gaara, Temari, and Kankuro skipped off holding hands. "Shikamaru, set this thing up." Anko pulled a weird looking box out of her bag. It turned out to be one of those weird, battery powered electric outlet things. The ones that say "some assembly required" and then make you follow fifty pages of instructions just to use them. Shikamaru took it, grateful that he at least didn't have to run around. "Kiba, Hinata, Shino, and Neji, go scout around for water and the like." The four mentioned sprang into the trees, Neji significantly more reluctant than the others. "Michelle and Olivia, set up these strings of lights I brought once Shikamaru is finished with the outlet." She handed the strings to the girls.

"What about me?" Leah asked, noticing that she hadn't been mentioned yet.

"Since you're the one with a cell phone, your job is to order pizza."

"That's it?" Leah said, "That's not much of a job!"

Anko grinned. "Yes, but you're also the one who gets to attempt to give directions for delivery."

"I changed my mind. This seems like a lot of work. Shouldn't we make Shikamaru do this?"

"Nah. I'm having fun watching him nearly electrocute himself."

"DAMMIT!" Naruto yelled, "Kunai are not made for chopping off branches!"

"It is a test," said a voice in the forest. "You must now chop down this entire tree wiiiiiiith – a herring!"

"Chop down a tree with a herring?" Naruto yelled, "Are you mad?"

"No, that's you. I'm not the one talking to invisible voices in the middle of a forest!"

"Naruto, what the hell are you doing in there?" Sasuke yelled from the campsite.

"Sorry, but sawing off these branches takes a while! Even when I'm not using a herring!"

"Using a herring?" Sasuke yelled again, clearly questioning Naruto's sanity, "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Umm… Never mind."

"And why are you sawing off branches? Just bring sticks!"

"Ohh…" Naruto said, "Right."

"Come on, Tenten-chan!" Lee yelled annoyingly, "Setting up tents faster will preserve our youth!"

"Lee," Tenten said warningly, "I am about one centimeter away from using this tent pole as a staff and breaking your skull. Are we on the same page here?"

"I'm hungry…" Chouji complained for the umpteenth time.

Ino grew all big and scary-like. "THAT'S WHY WE'RE LOOKING FOR FOOD, IDIOT!"

Sakura was not paying attention. "I wonder how Sasuke-kun is doing… Why couldn't I be gathering sticks and Naruto looking for food?"

"HO HO HO, HA HA HA, AND A COUPLE OF TRA LA LA'S! THAT'S HOW WE LAUGH THE DAY AWAY IN THE MERRY OLD LAND OF OZ!"

Temari and Kankuro, still caught by the OOC-bug, were singing at the top of their lungs. Gaara suspected they were high, but went along with them any way over his excitement of maybe getting to kill something!

Kankuro giggled like a six-year-old girl who just got a new pony for her Barbie to ride. "LOOK, A HOBO! LET'S BEAT HIM UP!"

Gaara raised the section of his forehead where an eyebrow would have been at Kankuro. "That's a log. What have you been smoking?"

"A DOG?" Temari shrieked, "WHERE? I WANNA PUPPY!"

Gaara shook his head. "You've been sniffing stuff, haven't you? That's the last time I ever let you near my sand."

"SAND?" Kankuro squealed, "ARE WE AT THE BEACH? LET'S BUILD A SANDCASTLE!" He grabbed Gaara. "I'LL BE THE KING AND YOU CAN BE THE QUEEN!"

"OOH!" Temari said, "I WANNA BE A PRETTY PRINCESS AND RIDE PRETTY UNICORNS!"

Gaara collapsed to the ground, clutching his head. Why me?

"Oww!" Shikamaru yelled after being shocked for the ninth or tenth time.

"Hey, Shikamaru, are you done yet?" Olivia yelled.

"No!"

"Well, then, hurry up!"

"Maybe," he told the girls, "You could come help instead of telling me to hurry up?"

"Nah," Michelle said, "That would take way to much effort."

"Yes, this is the Konoha Pizza Hut, how may I help you?"

"Umm, hi, I'd like to order three large pepperoni pizzas and three large cheese pizzas, for delivery," Leah said, awkward on the phone as she is.

"Alright, what name is it under?"

"Umm… it's under," Leah looked up, "Mitarashi Anko."

"Okay… and what will the delivery address be?"

And now for the hard part, Leah thought with an inner sigh. "Umm… you guys know where the 44th training area is, right? We're kinda sorta somewhere in the middle of the forest, so we've got lots of lights, so you should be able to find it. Right?"

"Alright, your pizza will be there in about an hour."

Leah hung up the phone and turned to Anko. "Now the only other question is, who's paying?"

Anko smiled. "Oh, I think you can guess."

Realization passed over Leah's face, and she grinned. "Oh. Of course."

About an hour and a half later, all members of the wayward group had finished eating their pizza and were relaxing around their campsite. Naruto was still sulking over his emptied wallet after being made to pay for the pizzas. Anko turned to Neji and Tenten, who were sitting near her. "You two are older, right?" She waved the bottle she was sipping at around. "Want sake? 'S good!"

"Umm… Anko-sensei…" Tenten said, "We're underage…"

"Ehh, whatever! We're in the middle of the forest!"

Neji glanced around to make sure no one was watching, then yoinked the bottle from Anko. "I want some."

Anko nodded. "See, Tenten, you have to grow up sometime!"

Late that night, Anko and several others poked their heads into Leah, Michelle, and Olivia's tent.

"What is it?" Olivia mumbled, "It's the middle of the night…"

"Everyone get up, run, and hide!" Tenten said frantically.

"What happened?" Michelle asked.

"Well…" Anko said, "My sake bottle is missing, and I can't find Lee."

A/n – I'm sure you can all see where this is going. Chapter nine should be up pretty soon. REVIEW!