Issei liked manga. He liked isekai manga, especially the ones where the guy entered the new world and kicked ass and got a harem of hot women!
Those were the stories Issei liked. Simple. Direct. Appealing. There was no need for some artsy plot or fancy gimmick, just pure, vicarious thrill.
But even among those, the ones that he really liked, were the ones where the guy was a villain or a background character, and beat up the 'hero' in their path. It satisfied something deep within him. People liked to say that the world was fair a lot, that anyone could step up and steal the limelight if they had the wit and guts, but protagonists broke that rule. There was no stealing the limelight, because it had been built for them. Where they went, so did attention. A protagonist was someone who, no matter what you were doing, would unfailingly be more important. More respected, and paid attention to.
Yes, this was the position Yuuto Kiba held in Issei's heart, and he loved reading edgy isekai because if he couldn't actually beat up Kiba in person, he'd get the next best thing.
"That's pretty sad man." Matsuda slowly wiped away a tear. "You get more pathetic every time I talk to you, it's a thing to behold." Ah, harsh as ever Matsuda-kun; Issei continued to feel actual agony every time this sharp-tongued simpleton spoke.
"In conclusion." Issei said loudly. "Fuck that guy. He's the worst and I'm never gonna get some while he's hanging around." Thus concluded, he sketched a deep bow to a round of sarcastic applause.
Motohama went back to filing his nails. "I don't care what you say, I'm not driving you to Mt. Fuji." He said absently. "Find somewhere else to dispose him." Neither of the other two were impressed, aware that the bespeckled idiot was barely paying attention to them so he could ogle girls in the reflection of his file.
"Lazy asshole." Matsuda muttered. How harsh Matsuda.
Motohama shot him a sardonic look. "Which one of us keeps 'forgetting' to return that copy of One In The Bush: The Def-"
"SURE IS LUCKY HOW SHORT HIFUMI'S SKIRT IS." Matsuda yelled, and with muffled screams of irritation girls fled from the window around their classroom. Motohama, furious, slammed his filer into the desk.
"Son of a bitch!" He roared. "I was watching-"
"What's this about returning a vhs, eh Motohama-kun?" Matsuda bit out, and Motohama physically recoiled. "Surely you aren't demanding something like that. Not after breaking my copy of The Dragon Enters, now are you?"
"I did not break it." Motohama hissed. "I returned your stinking vhs to you without a single scratch! The librarian praised me! 'Ooooh, Motohama-chan, you're so good with your hands!' That's what she said!"
"You recorded it halfway over with the ResE: Conception OVA."
"An objectively superior experience!" Motohama roared. "Who would dare turn down legs that fine?! I haven't even finished watching it, and gave it back anyway! That's the kind of hero I am!"
"Ah, I destroyed it." Issei said with a pure smile. "The picture quality was shit, and so was the actress. She could barely keep a straight face while-"
Motohama went for Issei's throat. "Prick!" He hissed. "That was a limited-time run! I'm not shelling out 60,000 Yen for the Blu-Ray!"
"Don't worry!" Issei gurgled hazily, as Motohama shook him back and forth in abject fury. "I saved you the trauma of discovering that the male lead looked like Kiba." Motohama and Matsuda stopped moving, faces twisting into identical images of horror.
"That man has got to go." Matsuda gagged. Motohama dropped Issei in disgust who began gasping for breath quietly, as his eyes slowly morphed from revulsion to thoughtfulness. "Cinderblocks are a classic." Motohama mused. "Ocean's right there. Sploosh and the problem's gone. Just like that."
"Just like that." Issei echoed dreamily, eyes spinning a little. "If only. Maybe I'll find the guts to flirt with a girl if we kill him first. They say you only become a man on your first kill."
"Easy enough to prove." Motohama bumped Matsuda with his shoulder. "Look over there." They all turned slightly, and Issei began quietly grinding his teeth as Yuuto Kiba, handsome extraordinaire, walked past their classroom, drawing attention with every step.
"We start with his arms." Matsuda said sharply. "Can't hold hands or hug a girl with no feelers. Bet he can't feel her up either, or watch porn, or eat food. Might as well be dead at that point."
"Then the face." Issei mumbled, still getting angrier as people began applauding while Kiba walked past. "'Cause fuck that guy."
""Fuck that guy."" Came the rebellious echo. At that point, Kiba whipped around, sun gleaming off his polished smile like he had something to hide, and cheerily waved at them. The repulsion was instant, the three of them physically throwing themselves off their chairs to avoid his eyes, and shivering.
"He might've heard us." Matsuda whispered. "Might've echoed."
"Good." Issei spat angrily. "Teach that asshole to be handsome and popular."
"That's right." Motohama agreed. "It's his fault for being handsome and perfect. How- how dare he be better than us!."
Issei punched the floor. "We'll kill him for it yet! Just you watch."
"Alright idiots, shut up and sit down, class starts in 5 minutes." A tired voice said loudly, slamming the door open. Issei popped up to his feet. "But Hana-sensei!" He yelled. "Kiba's such an asshole. He's better than us and acts like it! That makes him a bad person!."
The thirty-something woman sighed deeply, lines etched on her rather unremarkable features. "He is an asshole, yes, but no disrupting class." She shook a fist at them threateningly. "My salary is late this week, so I'm in line for a bonus."
Matsuda popped up beside Issei, folding his arms over his desk. "Can we kill him after that?" He demanded. Hana-sensei sighed. "Yeah, alright. Just make sure his body doesn't turn up near the school."
"We're doing mankind a service." Motohama popped up as well. "Hey, you think the Librarian might take pity on me if I pretend I'm sad?" He slid into his seat, turning a little to face a sober Matsuda.
"No." Matsuda said honestly. Motohama looked disappointed.
Around them, people had continued filtering in, sitting down amidst a hail of quiet murmurs. No one paid the three any mind, besides a few of the girls walking in and giving them nasty looks. This had only continued getting worse as the three refused to speak any softer than a stage whisper, so odds were increasing that Issei himself would probably die before he could wring Kiba's neck.
That was, until one of the girls did worse, strutting over to them with an ugly smile and an uglier look in her eyes.
"Rumor has it that you three are planning homicide." Aika Kiryuu purred, flipping her red braids over her shoulder. Issei felt his mouth warp itself in revulsion, and beside him Motohama and Matsuda looked like they'd sucked particularly pungent lemons, features twisted in a rictus of distaste.
"Piss off." Issei whined. He really didn't want to deal with this today.
Her grin widened, and she began tapping a finger thoughtfully against her chin. "Now let's see...if I was a sad vigin, totally at odds with polite society," her eyes danced over Matsuda, "incapable of polite conversation with the other gender without making some sort of passing comment about her body," her amused eyes tiptoed over Motohama slowly sinking into his seat like particularly dull-witted mud, "and with a libido so massive it followed me like a bad smell," and now she was looking at Issei in a way that was just completely uncalled for, "What would I have to be angry about?"
The sound of fury popping like oil got louder as she tapped her finger mockingly on their desks, and if she wasn't blown away by their unfiltered anger, it was because she was almost literally propped up by irritated classmates shooting Issei ugly looks.
"You're not the Sensei here, Kiryuu." Matsuda ground out. "You can't just come here and lecture us like this, right guys?!"
He whirled over, and his (un)righteous anger immediately shifted tracks. "Guys?!"
Issei coughed. "I mean, she's right man." He was actually a little proud. He shouldn't be, but he was. "Like, I'm not sure why you're getting angry. You literally said as much when you asked Sato out." This was what they called confidence! God, he probably looked so cool right now, being the calm voice of reason.
"Yes!" Matsuda said loudly. "I did!" Man Matsuda-kun, you look super uncool right now. "But it doesn't give her the right to throw it in my face!"
Kiryuu said, smirking. "Shame you're wasting all that confidence on that...untenable position."
Issei's brain stalled. Wait. That was cool? Oh shit, had he been doing it wrong all this time? W-was he supposed to loudly declare his deviant beliefs?! No! Everyone already knew about them! Surely downplaying them a bit was gap-moe right?! He was an expert, he was confident about these things!
"Look at Motohama!" Matsuda shouted, righteous in his disbelief.
Motohama refused to make eye contact with anyone. "I can talk to people." He mumbled, shaking a little from bottled emotions. "I can. Other people just get there first. Like Kiba."
Matsuda jabbed a finger accusingly at Aika. "You did this!"
She rolled her eyes. "I didn't do shit." She folded her arms, snorting gently. "This bullshit you three are up to, it wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Yuuto was seen walking that little first-year girl, Kone-something, home, now would it?" She asked slowly.
A pause.
"SHE SAID IT!" Motohama screamed.
Issei forced down the homicidal rage. That didn't happen. It didn't. He refused to believe it. Not in this world or the next, would such an admission cross his lips!
"Fuck you, Kiryuu." Matsuda forced out.
"You fucking wish I would." She sneered, before her eyes drifted further south, sneer deepening. "Or you could. Unfortunately, that seems about as beyond you as actually talking to the girls you stare at."
Matsuda snarled and lunged for her, and she danced away squealing, laughing as he ended up flopping over his own desk in his haste.
"Sensei, these dirty perverts haven't bathed in weeks! I can smell them from across the room! Suspend them for public indecency!"
"Are you just messing with me?" Came the exhausted question, to which Aika nodded enthusiastically.
"Then I'll let you join them in suspension, and you can all go disrupt someone else's class."
Aika immediately stopped laughing as she realized that Hana-sensei had decided she couldn't be arsed to play ball this morning.
"In fact!" Hana-sensei continued loudly. "I should ban all you assholes, for delivering the most degenerate perspective I've ever been forced to put up with at 7:30 in the goddamn morning, every single goddamn day!" She hurled her chalk out a window, and people instinctively ducked. She turned back and her eyes were red.
Issei slowly sat down and got small. That's how you dealt with gorillas right?
"In fact, why don't we just burn the damn textbooks!" She grit out. "Clearly, I'm the one learning things here! I've discovered all kinds of ways to put up with headaches!" Her hand went out like God's laser pointer, homing in on Matsuda. "Like this one! Or this! Or this fucking migraine!" One by one her hand swept by, and they all sunk lower.
"I oughta-"
The door slid open, Sato-san pausing at the entranceway, all giggling and chatter outside cutting out like the wire was pulled.
In the dead silence, Hana-sensei turned to the newcomers slowly. "Get in."
"You got lucky." Aika whispered, pouting and crawling over to join her deathly quiet friends near the front of class. The three sighed in slight relief, drawing more fearful attention from their neighbors once again filing in. The room had continued slowly filling up, and it was nearing capacity already, most people already desperately crawling away from their friends to head back to their seats. Issei, Motohama and Matsuda began quietly grumble as they reached down to their bags.
"This blows." Issei grumbled, watching Aika slump over to her desk in front of them. "Hana-sensei usually waits to 4th period to blow her top."
"Maybe low blood sugar?" Motohama suggested.
"I heard she got shot down." Matsuda whispered confidentially. Issei leaned back. "That's a really fucked up thing to know about your teacher."
"Yeah, but we know when Matsuda gets shot downall the time." Motohama observed.
Matsuda clenched his teeth, grinding them. "That shithead Kiba, stealing all the girls. Is nothing sacred in this fucking school. Is the bro-code not applicable?"
"The bro-code is always applicable." Motohama quietly insisted. "Enforceable, not so much."
"Damnit." Matsuda hissed. "We don't have a high enough male population to ostracize that asshole."
"We'd be having other problems then though." Issei pointed out. "Namely, the fact that we'd no longer have any chance of getting a girlfriend with the male population so high."
Matsuda frowned a little. "Didn't you...have one...or something?" He winced and rubbed his close-cropped head.
"Yeah." Issei answered automatically.
"Wow, really?"
"No, I lied, I'm sorry."
"Oh."
Well.
"Turn to page fifty, we start polynomial integrations." Hana-sensei hissed impatiently.
Three heads slammed into wooden desks in sequential harmony.
"""Ugh."""