Issei was a rational, innovative individual, with a focus on the now and the important things in life. An objectivist you might say. And Issei was nothing if not focused on objects, yessir. Hot springs, changing rooms, swimming pools, beaches, bathhouses and sauna's alike, yes Issei was indeed an expert and pioneering philosopher in rational self-interest.
Perhaps this was why Issei found himself once again questioning the nature of friendship. While yes, Motohama and Matsuda were his best bros and they'd stood by him through thick and thin, that added up to maybe like 40 friend tokens, tops. He needed to weigh that against potentially walking into a spooky ghost home, and frankly the spooky ghost home was tipping the scales. It wasn't like he believed in ghosts, hell no, but something was suspicious about all this. Oh, maybe some people might criticize him for weighing friendship against possible harm and trauma, but as a sensible and forward thinking objectivist Issei was more than capable of ignoring those people. Yes, by all intelligent schools of thought, Issei should have cheerfully waved these two morons adieu and gone on his cheerful way.
Should have, except Motohama had implied that anyone who backed down was totally a bitch and, hey now, that was a different story. Intelligent, enterprising men like himself could instinctively realize that the stigma of being a bitch was one that would carry for the rest of his days, tainting all social encounters and lowering his personal stock.
"Ohohoho, this Ise-kun? Genius, top of his class, handsome and well-liked." The girls would titter upon his suave entry. "Shame he backed down that one time. I heard he was totally a bitch."
Motohama insisted that was how it would go, and that seemed super plausible to Issei. And so he found himself walking behind the other two, trying to figure out a way to weasel out of this without being publicly mocked for it. Unfortunately, all of his brilliant wit failed him, and before long the three of them stopped in front of a door in a house on a street not far from Kuoh Academy.
It felt like the first time all over again; perhaps due to Issei's nerves or the long silence.
"It might be all those fucking crows in that persimmon tree." Matsuda mused.
The tree shivered violently from Motohama's tiny front yard, caws echoing, forcing Matsuda to take wary steps back while Motohama condescendingly stared at him. Issei was too busy staring at the nameplate to join in. It was a lovely bit of copper or brass, a shining brown hallmark of society's acceptance, utterly identical to the hundreds of others they'd passed on the way here. What a beautiful symbol.
"I still can't believe you have a last name." He muttered, tracing the loopy writing on the brass plate. "It's a good one too. It's so weird every time. Like hearing your mother's maiden name. Or seeing your dads ballsack."
"Everyone's seen their fathers ballsack at some point Issei." Motohama said soberly. "It's a formative experience. A societal mandate. Penis envy is fostered in us japanese youths at a young age to keep us humble. Similarly, you must all accept that people with cooler last names than you both exist and keep you down."
He stared proudly at the nameplate, buffed and clean in the sunlight.
"It is a really cool name." Matsuda admitted. "I'd have kept it."
"Why didn't you?" Issei turned around to the two grinning boys, and eyed them suspiciously.
It was the first day of school, and Baby Issei was trundling into the classroom with a hopeful mien. Oh boy! Baby Issei said to himself, I can't wait to sleep with all the girls in this room! My future harem is now!
Class began slowly, and as introductions began, he naturally introduced himself as Hyoudou Issei, harem king. The two sitting beside him had also introduced themselves as Harem Kings, which took a bit of wind out of his sails, but oddly enough they provided only the names Motohama and Matsuda. I'm Matsuda, the bald boy had said. I'm also a Harem King, but not a wannabe like that first chump!
Baby Issei may, in fact, have been a bit scared of his baldness, but not enough to not defend his dream! They'd begun fighting, poking and slapping each other! Until the third voice spoke up.I'm Motohama, said the third boy with an odd leer as he looked over the classroom. And I'm your harem king.
It was a beautiful moment, and Issei and Matsuda had immediately broken into applause. What a guy! Incidentally, the ensuing riot had destroyed the classroom, but the three of them had quickly become good friends in the following days of suspension.
"It was my chance to start over with a perm and a new attitude, but I accidentally got a ducktail so I shaved it." Matsuda admitted. "But I went with my first name cause it seemed gangster as hell. Chicks are into bad boys, right?"
"Not really." Issei said. "If anything, they seem kinda disgusted."
"Shit."
"Stupid brainlets." Motohama grinned. "You still haven't figured out the real tech?"
Issei gasped, somewhat awed by this empty boast. How cool, Motohama-kun!
"Lay it on us then!"
"We're listening."
"I wanted all the girls to loudly scream my first name." He said smugly.
Silence. Issei felt his heart fall into his gut. He hadn't expected a real answer, and not one so powerful!
"Every time, we go peeping." Motohama continued ruthlessly. "They all scream 'Kyaa! Motohama-kuuuuuuun!' Naked. Wet."
The other two simply stopped moving entirely, staring at the shortest boy with something approaching fear in their eyes.
"Shit, what a badass." Matsuda whispered. "I lucked out."
Issei promptly lost his shit.
"Fuck! What a genius plan!" He screamed, grabbing his head and shaking it. "But it's too late to go by my first name! I fucked up!"
"Get on my level." Motohama was unrepentantly smug, and it made Issei want to kill him.
"It's like seeing your dad get naked in the hot springs, then realizing that he has the biggest dick in the room." Matsuda mused. "It's an odd mix of pride and envy I feel. And then I realize that I too, possess such genetic superiority and it all comes rushing in. How nice."
Issei howled in anguish, grabbling the little steel gate and rattling it roughly. The loss! The missed opportunity! Gone forever!
Matsuda slapped him on the shoulder. "Cheer up!" He said, grinning. "I'm sure you'll find someone willing to call you by your first name. Eventually."
Motohama burst into muffled snickers. Every quiet burst of laughter was another death knell to his happiness. How...how dare they! How dare they not share something so brilliant with him! Weren't they the bestest of bros?!
He turned to look at them, betrayed, but they were leering right back, mockery in their eyes and laughter on their lips. They knew! They felt no pity for him! There was no salvation here!
Issei grit his teeth. "Weren't we here for something?" Even to his own ears, he sounded petulant. But he had to change the subject immediately! There was no winning otherwise!
"Alright." Motohama wiped off his grin, leaning against the brick divider between his home and the next. "So, Ise-chan..." Issei loudly ground his teeth. "What do you know about ghosts?"
"About as much as you two." He said sourly.
"Correct!" Matsuda said cheerily. "Or you would be, if you'd actually been paying attention when we, your best of bestest friends, spoke to you for the past few days instead of sulking."
"Not true."
"He's right Matsuda, he spent at least half that time whining."
"Can you two stop hassling me already?"
"No." Matsuda stated firmly.
"Come onnnnnn!" Issei whined. "I wanna watch Kimiko Kida's new AV! Let's hurry."
"Shit, that's out?! Moto, he's got a serious point here. This is important."
Motohama sighed. "Alright, fine, but then we gotta make sure we do it right."
"Sick." Issei cracked his knuckles. "Have at it."
"Okay, Issei." Motohama blew out a long breath. "Here's the big question. Do you believe in ghosts?"
"Hell no." Issei replied automatically.
Matsuda threw up his hands. "Problem solved, he totally does."
"I do not!"
"I mean, I already knew he did." Motohama said smugly. "Issei is obviously super superstitious. We just need him to admit it, so we can get on with this."
Issei stared at him. "The fuck does that mean?! No, I'm not."
"You super are." Motohama's glasses flashed grimly. "Because if you didn't believe in fantasies, you'd never believe you could get a harem."
FUCK
Issei went down hard, doubling over and falling to the ground headfirst. Legs twitching and gently foaming at the mouth, he felt as though all the wind had been driven from his gut.
"YOU KILLED HIM!" Matsuda screamed in horror. Motohama sighed, and pushed his glasses back up.
"It had to be done."
"But not like this!" Matsuda raised his arm, furiously rubbing at his eyes. "You punched out his soul! Extinguished his burning blood! It was too brutal!"
Motohama shook his head. He was firm. Issei totally had it coming.
"I..." Issei rasped. Matsuda and Motohama leaned in.
"I believe in dreams!" He forced out, raising one fist limply to the sky and clenching it. "Ghosts, goblins, ghouls and harems, I choose believe in it all!" He raised himself to his knees, fist still raised.
"That's what it means to be a man!"
"What a beautiful thesis, Issei-sama." Motohama said drolly, both boys golf clapping. "Well done."
"Shut up!" Tears were trickling down his face. "Fine! I do believe in ghosts! If it means I can have a harem, I'll believe in anything!"
"Then! Observe!" Matsuda cried, pointing at somewhere behind Issei.
Drying his bitch tears, Issei turned around a little. Motohama's house was about a block down from campus, and usually this was good for the three of them - they'd sleep over, then camp out the school entrance bright and early when the morning breeze was at its strongest.
Beautiful mornings, those. Full of color. Like festival fireworks.
This also meant that campus was quite literally visible from where they were standing. The dark wall grew shaded as the sun passed overhead, and it made the rearmost building loom above them. It drew the eye, a smear across the horizon, and despite being in slight disrepair it was still beautiful.
They stepped up beside him, and perhaps it was inevitable that the lonely dark structure slowly drew their eyes as well.
"That's the old school building, isn't it?" Issei mused after a bit. "I'd heard it was haunted."
"That's how the rumor goes."
"But." Issei turned back to the other two. "What does that have to do with the house?"
Motohama turned to look at him as well, light turning his glasses opaque. "Alright, look, this is the rundown." His finger traced the old school building. "See that place? It's abandoned right? Perfect place for storing the secret porn, right?"
This made perfect sense to Issei. "It sure is."
"Right." Motohama said grimly. "So I went to do that. Figured we could salvage some stuff too, like a CRT maybe. Those old classrooms had some weird shit. But it wasn't abandoned."
Issei's ears pricked up. "What?!"
"There were people." Motohana repeated. "Voices, lots of 'em, late at night. I booked it once they got too close, 'cause I had that bad feeling, you know the one when we're peeping and we can just tell someone snuck around back and into our secret place and is totally just watching us peep so they can beat us up when we turn around?"
"We're all intimately familiar with that one." Matsuda said drily. "No thanks to-"
Issei interrupted. "-some inconsiderate bitch-ass cowardly little-"
"-hero, who totally saved us all by drawing the heat." Motohama finished primly. "So naturally I booked it this time too."
"Bitch."
"Fuck you. Anyway, I made it home, right?" He paused here, a shadow crossing his face. "But something followed me home."
Issei stared at him, trepidation tickling his heart a bit. "What did it do?" He squeaked.
Motohama shrugged. "Eat my bread mostly." He put a finger up and waggled it. "But also leave bloody handprints in the bathroom and use up the toilet paper. But more importantly, the toilet starts rattling a lot at like 4 am every day and making loud groaning noises. It's totally haunted, I'm telling you."
"That's fucked up."
"I know right?"
"Shit." Issei popped a squat, breathing deeply. "Okay, so you think there's a legit ghostie ghoulie in the house? Oogie boogie oogie?"
"Eat shit." Motohama huffed. "You gonna bitch out or not? The tp costs are rising and I won't stand for it. I can't even buy new porn."
Issei sighed, and hopped back to his feet. "Fine. But you two go first." He added quickly.
"Prick." Motohama grumbled. His hand casually slung over the gate, unlatching from the back with practiced ease and swinging it open. Matsuda strolled in, but Issei moved a little slower. It wasn't like he was kinda nervous or anything, but now that he'd accepted that maybe something weird was going on, he saw something weird going on in a lot of other places too. It couldn't be helped, you know.
Motohama seemed to face no such fears, stumping right up to the front door and jiggling the handle. He grumbled as he fiddled with his keys for a second, before he finally jerked it out, and shoved the door open. "Alright, let's move."
Matsuda took a few steps forward, before he turned back to Issei, brow raised. "Dude, you coming?"
Issei sighed, clearing his bone-dry throat. "Yeah, alright." He followed behind the two, noting how skinny their backs were. No cover to be found there, damnit.
The sunlight was hard, and it was almost a relief to be under the shade at last, even if the snapping crows kept him moving quickly behind the other two into the silent home. Off-brand birdsong ushered them in as Issei propped the door open behind them.
Just in case.
The air inside the building hit first, stale and rank, and oddly a little sweet. Little patinas of light followed, the few sunbeams reflecting off of silver tableware still laid out on the dinner set and pans hanging from the ceiling shone into the central passage. But as much as Issei craned his neck, sound didn't follow. There was no dripping water or creaky windowsill upstairs, and oddly enough that put him far more on edge. Like he was waiting for that one drop of water to fall from the broken tap. It was hanging, and before he knew it all his attention was focused on it, nerves fraying, waiting for the relief of it finally splashing.
"Motohama." Issei whispered. He wasn't sure why he was whispering actually, bit his voice refused to go louder than a croak. "Dude. You mentioned that your family left right. Booked it quick?"
"Yeah. Well kinda." Came the reply, equally stifled by the oppressive atmosphere. Motohama's glasses were also shining from the scattered sunbeams, a misty blue.
"How much of a hurry were they in?"
A pause. "I was in class." He said slowly. "We were hanging out. But Mom called me, told me to go to the hotel instead. It was sudden."
"That's a rush." Matsuda said calmly. "Big choice to make in a couple hours. My family took weeks to move. Couldn't make up their minds, see?"
"You're saying they saw something?" Motohama hissed.
"I'm saying something made up their minds fast dude!"
"..."
"...shit." Issei whispered.
They had paused, in the middle of the entrance passage. The kitchen was visible through the half-open sliding door, and the passage onward was just beyond the open doorway ahead. But something rooted their feet down. Issei turned and looked at the entrance. The sun was still shining strongly.
"Look, we're just looking around, right?" Matsuda said urgently. "We just need something we can show a priest, to get him to look at the place for a little cheaper."
"Yeah." Motohama inhaled. "Yeah, let's just look around a bit."
"Sun's still shining." Issei said wistfully. "Nice, bright day out. There's a new shipment of porn at the cornerstore."
"Come on." Matsuda grumbled, shoving him a bit. Groaning, he stood, and the three continued to advance down. The shadows curved around them as they hung a left and continued down the wood-panelled flooring.
"Hold on." Issei froze. The other two whirled around.
""What?!""
"Do you hear that?"
Motohama tilted his head back. "...no?"
Issei had hyperfocused on his hearing, and still barely caught it. A gentle warbling at the corner of his focus. A shivering in the air, where everywhere else was eerily still. He turned, and pointed the other way. "I heard something. It's from down there." His finger hovered over the hallway, into the mild darkness.
Matsuda was looking at him curiously, but Motohama had an oddly contemplative expression on his face.
"That kinda makes sense, actually." He admitted. Issei and Matsuda swapped confused looks as Motohama padded gently the way Issei had pointed. It was an entire panelled wall, but Motohama found something to grab and swept it back, revealing another entrance behind it.
"Holy shit." Issei mouthed. "You have a second floor?!" He walked up behind the irritated boy, peering over his shoulder. It was carpeted too, a creamy beige. Just like everything else in here. "And it's behind a creepy door!"
"How come we've never seen it?" Matsuda was pouting a little, peering over Motohama's other shoulder. Motohama turned and thumped them in the chest.
"It's my parent's bedroom dumbasses."
The two stumbled back a bit, scowling. Issei fell heavily on his back foot, and he whirled around to apologize for rattling the kitchenware.
But nothing had shaken. The pans were as firm as if they'd been bolted in place. His breathing got heavier, and he realized that even the sounds they were making barely carried a few feet beyond their bodies. He turned back to the other two, whitening a bit, but they were already looking at him with sick expressions.
Issei swallowed, and offered them a watery smile.
Motohama looked a little constipated. "Soundproofing's real effective these days, eh?" He said weakly.
Matsuda went to talk shit, but Issei held him back. "Wait."
Issei focused more on the new room. The sound was louder.
"It's a person."
"What happened to the 'soundproofing'?" Matsuda muttered petulantly.
Motohama froze. "Fuck." He cursed violently. "Fuck, are you serious? There's a dude here?"
"I can't tell man!" Issei snapped back, trying to restrain the loudness of his voice. "Can't you hear it?!"
"No!" Motohama hissed back. "I don't hear shit! I wish I could hear a damn thing, because my heartbeat is louder than anything here!"
"Look." Matsuda grunted, shoving Issei's arm off balefully. "We just gotta go check it out right?"
"Are you stupid?!" Issei squealed. "We just marathoned horror movies like last week! What, you wanna go one at a time too?!"
Matsuda got up in his face. "Look. We need something." He said quietly. "Police already gave up. Didn't find nothin'. We need something, or all the porn money is gonna turn into tp money." And I'll need the same soon, were the unspoken words.
Issei swore, but finally capitulated with the other two staring at him steadily. Damnitall, he knew what he'd heard, but their continued insistence that he was full of shit made even that waver.
They went up, one at a time, Issei firmly in the back, up the tiny staircase. It was the kind that doubled back on itself, so Issei whirled around at the landing, checking top and bottom.
Just in case.
The finally hit the top, and Issei barely heard it again. A gentle, wavering cry. The sound of someone weeping alone. Issei stepped up onto the top landing, a flat platform with only a single door leading from it.
"Are you sure, that that's what you hear?" Motohama's voice was nearly inaudible now.
The three were huddled up and facing each other, closed door facing them.
"I'm certain." Issei insisted. "But you can't hear it at all...so it must be a ghost, huh?"
They were all quiet for a long moment, faces shadowed in the pitch dark.
"That's kinda hot." Matsuda admitted quietly.
"Fuck." Issei cursed, tears creeping into his eyes squeezed shut. "Fuck! I can't help but get kinda excited! I kinda want it to be a ghost now!"
"A weeping, lonely maiden. Trying to find someone to help her pass on!" Motohama reddened a bit. "I kinda thought it might've actually been a hobo." He admitted. "But this is way better! I get to talk to her first!"
"Oh hell no." Issei jabbed a finger at him. "You dragged me here, I go first!"
"Can I go-"
""Shut up!""
"You have your own house!" Issei accused. "You have a second chance!"
"This is my time to shine." Motohama looked determined. "Mine!" Standing up, he vigorously whirled around. Issei rose into a half-crouch, protest on his lips and shoving Matsuda away with his other hand, but he was too late! Motohama firmly slammed the door open.
Inside lay a pale figure, spread over the covers. Eerily silent, the gentle heaving sobs shaking their shoulders suddenly burst into full volume, Motohama and Matsuda flinching as they could finally heard the odd sound. It was breathy and heavy, the round shape over the covers gasping, beard hairs shivering in the wan sunlight pouring through the shades.
"I can't believe I died a virgin!" The ghost wailed.
Motohama froze on the doorstep, smile carved into his face turning brittle. The man on his parents bed whirled around, eager look on his face. "Another ghost?!" Spotting the three, his silver-lined face fell. "Oh. Damn."
Motohama screamed in fear, Issei and Matsuda screamed in shock, the ghost was startled and screamed as he fell off the bed and suddenly everyone was hitting the floor.
"KILL IT!"
Motohama seized a pot by the door and hurled it across the room, that the ghost dodged with a yelp. Issei dashed in, sliding past and going for the drawer, seizing tiny porcelain by the handful and hurling them. The ghost continued to cry in fear until it realized that the furniture was going through it.
"Oh right, I'm dead." It mused.
They screamed louder.
"DUDE IT'S INVINCIBLE!"
"FUCK!"
Pots and cups and gold were hurled mindlessly across the room, violently splashing against the far wall.
"This isn't working you know." The ghost grunted, arms still reflexively raised. It stepped through the bed and approached Issei, who's voice almost blew out with fear. The ghoulie was pale and tall and slimy and gross and old and bald and oh god he could see right through it!
Issei backed up, all the way to the door, and then he turned around and dove down the stairs.
A scream of 'COWARD!' followed by more thumping steps followed him down, but he hit the ground running and kept moving.
But the ghost had totally warped his vision! Everything was painted in shades of beige! He couldn't figure out where the entrance was!
His moment's hesitation was costly, and the two barrelled into his back, full throttle.
There was a sharp pain in his lower back as someone's knee drove into it, and then it was nothing but pain and discomfort as the three of them tangled together and went rolling.
Issei's head slammed into the floor and them vertigo carried him upward, before he hit the floor again, and again!
They finally rolled to a painful stop, limbs tangled and groaning.
"Ha! That was dumb! Just like my animes. Good time, eh Mil-tan? Aw man."
They screamed, and Issei nearly bit through his tongue as it turned out Motohama's stupid pie-hole was next to his goddamn right ear and holy fuck he was screaming right into it. A painful twinging whine echoed from his inner ear, and he yelled in more pain until Matsuda thumped him on the hip. They began fighting to get out and away, wobbling in a misshapen pile as they struggled to crawl apart, pain flashing on every body part as joints went flying right into the fleshiest parts of other peoples bodies.
Matsuda continued to wheeze painfully on the ground as the other two finally crawled out, but the sight of the translucent figure chortling and walking not far behind them nearly stopped their hearts.
But there was nowhere to run! They were trapped in this beige prison!
Issei's hand dove into the pocket, seized the little Ofuda, and tore it out, ignoring the pain in his hands. He scrabbled back, holding it up, hand over hand, until he stumbled, bowling himself over.
"Dude, is that even a real ofuda? I don't feel anything."
Issei howled mindlessly, stumbling to his feet, squeezing his eyes shut and trembling. His feet were unsteady and he ached in every place but he clenched his fist until it ached. It tightened until it felt more weapon than flesh, and then he whipped out his fist!
TWICE
CRITICAL
Issei felt his strength surge, time taking on a slightly liquid quality as he felt his body simply...give way. The twist of his hips grew forceful as the fist he'd thrown suddenly grew a brilliant red gauntlet. The whistling in his ears reached a fever pitch and he threw his whole weight behind the haymaker landing with a solid crunch.
There was a moment's resistance to his fist, before that too was blown away with a great roaring sound.
He fell to the floor, spent and panting, as the ghost slammed into the far wall. The house briefly shook a little, jars rattling and pans clanking, a little harmony of chime-like ringing.
Everything was suddenly too loud.
The screaming slowly quieted over the next minute, giving way to panting and whimpering.
Eventually, the other two behind him struggled to their feet.
"Ugh." Matsuda said.
Issei coughed a bit in agreement. They walked up beside him, staring at the pale goopy...thing on the far wall.
It quivered a bit.
"Did..." Motohama coughed a bit. "Did you just punch out a ghost, man?"
Issei looked dazedly at his armored hand. The red twinkled a bit, and then it simply vanished like smoke. "Shit, I think I did."
Then they heard a loud keening noise, and the white shape fell to the floor and start wiggling vigorously. The ghost rolled around wailing, clutching it's - yes, doublechecked - completely translucent cheek.
"What was that for?!" It sobbed.
"You were haunting my house?" Motohama asked weakly. Issei nodded furiously. "I was, like, backing...him..."
"I showed up 'cause people kept talking about a ghost." He sniffled. "I was hoping it would be a lady ghost, and I could finally get some and erase my regrets!"
The two felt air rush back into their limbs. That reasoning was both relatable and hitting far, far too close to home. The pale figure hardly seemed like a threat anymore.
More like a specter. An evil specter.
Issei leaned in closer to Motohama. "Bad news Motohama-kun, not only is this guy just as much of a loser as we are, but he died this way. At this rate, he's gonna haunt us, and our Fuck-Me-Not auras are gonna reach stage=MAX in no time."
"I think this is actually scarier than a real haunting." Motohama shivered. "Is this my future?"
"Almost certainly." Matsuda leaned in the other way.
The ghost whimpered a little. He was still really scary but also super pathetic as well. Well, at least it was over with-
"Wait." Matsuda said suddenly. "He said he came here after you left. So what was haunting you before?"
Issei swallowed convulsively.