Talk in Grey

Although Ami had offered to bring Zach a Ramune during practice, she could not in good conscience deny everyone else refreshments and so crammed as many bottles as possible into her book bag before heading to the theater. She used a side entrance to avoid disrupting the actors and cautiously skirted the stage, spying Zach in the front row; she had never seen him so ruffled and irritated. Ami claimed an aisle seat to watch Prince Lir deliver a monologue. He questioned his manliness; it was so easy to face monsters in mortal combat but he couldn't find the courage to tell Amalthea how he felt. Letters, poems, and lyrics all failed him. He spoke aloud what he wished to say to her, but unbeknownst to him, Amalthea was situated on the balcony just above. She heard every word and called out. Lir went to profess his love in person.

The change in Jackson's acting was definitely noticeable; he had no confidence in what he was saying and stumbled through his lines. It was the last straw for Zach. "God dammit, Jackson!" he yelled, the acoustics amplifying his voice. "Lir was just there, so where the fuck did he go?!" The freshman guiltily stared at the floor.

"I'm so tired of struggling through this scene!" said the Amalthea actress. "Will you just bring out his understudy already?"

"No!" Jackson pleaded, "I can do it, I swear!"

"I really don't think you can," Zach retorted with disdain. "You're holding back the entire goddamn production!" As he rose to his feet his volume increased as well. "Do you get off on this kind of shit? Do you feel powerful knowing the entire show is at your mercy? You think you're too good to act alongside Aubrey? Are you racist or something?!"

"Settle down, man," said one of the stagehands, but his words were drowned out as Jackson shouted back.

"I'm not! It's not because of her!"

"Then what the fuck is your problem?!" Zach bellowed.

A smartly dressed woman appeared from backstage. "That's enough, le Blanc. You need to go outside and calm down. Everyone take a fifteen-minute break!" Zach obeyed her by slamming open the nearest side door. Jackson was on his heels and Ami followed a moment later.

"I swear to god, Jackson…" she immediately heard, "if you don't get over whatever hang-ups you have today, you're out. I'm so done with this."

"Wait, Zach, please…" Ami kept her distance, loitering behind a dumpster full of wood and construction materials as Jackson grabbed his arm. Zach rounded on him with fury in his eyes but the actor stood his ground. "I'm sorry, I really am. In those scenes it just… it feels like I'm betraying you."

"I told you it was going to be this way. You have to treat this like a job. I'm your boss. I need Prince Lir to come to work, not Jackson Kirk, and Lir loves Amalthea." His tone softened. "I cast you because I knew you could make Lir real, give him life outside the book and movie. He's full of passion, just like you." Ami's brow furrowed; that didn't sound like Zach at all. She peeked around the corner and saw the two of them standing with their backs against the wall in contemplation.

Jackson scoffed. "I can't believe you called me racist in front of everyone. I bet Aubrey hates me now."

"She's mad because you're delaying the show, not because you refuse to be intimate with her. Here, maybe this'll tide you over."

Ami's breath hitched as Zach turned to kiss Jackson. Not an air kiss or a mere peck on the cheek, but a "no one else in the world" type of kiss. After the initial shock, her brain went into overdrive processing this development. 'Oh my goodness, Zach is gay. He just acts like a womanizer to hide it!' She recalled him saying beautiful people were his type, not women specifically. He hated his hometown because they were less accepting of his sexuality there, and there was tension with his mother because she couldn't have the perfect life with a gay son. It all made sense!

She caught one last exchange while retreating for the door. "You have to forget about us for the time being," Zach said. "I'm your director, not your boyfriend."

Jackson sighed wistfully. "I'll try my best. Maybe I can pretend Amalthea is you."

They both laughed a little and Ami felt her face turn scarlet, then the door swung open and almost knocked her down. "Oh!" exclaimed Aubrey, the lead actress, "I'm sorry! Are those two out here?" Ami just ducked her head and scurried inside before the boys realized she had overheard them. Still her mind was racing.

'If Zach is gay, why did he hit on me for so long? Was he only after attention?' Should she tell him she knew the truth? They were trying to be friends now, and if he knew he could be his real self around her he would surely open up more. Ami really wanted to trust him and being honest would make that a lot easier.

She glanced up as Zach greeted her with a smile. "Hey, you made it. Please tell me you brought something to drink. I've been yelling way too much."

"One Ramune, as promised," she said, surrendering a lemon-flavored soda.

Zach heard glass clinking and raised an eyebrow. "Just one?"

Ami looked bashful. "I brought enough for everyone, at least I hope so. How many people are there?"

"Eight, I think. Did Andrew leave?" The crew nodded. "Is it possible to get a keg of this stuff?" Ami laughed and Zach flashed his smile-smirk, feeling more optimistic now that he'd dealt with Jackson. In the actor's mind he was professing his love to Zach, and Zach was content to let him do so. Whatever it took for his show to achieve perfection. As he left the auditorium with Ami at the end of the day, he noticed a jaunty spring in her step. "What are you so peppy about?"

"Now I can't wait to see the play. I don't think I'll come to any more practices if that's okay. I want to see the finished product on opening night. Zach, I just have to tell you… I really love your work!"

He was a bit stunned by how amicable she sounded. "Well thank you, Ami. I'm glad you think I'm doing Beagle's story justice."

"The movie is excellent, of course," she went on, "but there's just something so real about bringing it to the stage. I mean it is real, obviously," she giggled, "but it feels like the actors are the embodiment of the characters. Aubrey, Jackson, David, Lauren… they're all so amazing!"

Zach walked in silence with a bemused expression on his face. What on earth had caused this change of heart? Where had Ami's barrier gone, that layer of ice? She was babbling away like they discussed such things all the time, even praising him! This was not the girl he had grown accustomed to, so he tested the waters. "I'm famished, Ami. Do you want to get teriyaki or something?"

"That sounds great," she replied, and Zach managed to repress his shock. When they reached his car he held the door for her, earning a beatific smile, but then she didn't say a word while he drove to a tiny eatery. Only after they had ordered, sat down, and split their chopsticks did Ami regard him shyly. Zach stopped chewing, preparing for whatever she was about to say. "So, um, how long have you been with him?"

"With who?"

"Jackson." Zach had expected anything but that and coughed up a few grains of rice. He looked dumbfounded while Ami sat there wearing the most non-judgmental expression ever. "I saw you kiss him," she explained. "I got to the theater as you were storming out, so I followed you. I didn't mean to see you. But does anyone know? I mean, are you out?"

Zach's features remained passive as he made the connection. 'Oh my god, Ami thinks I'm gay. She heard me call Jackson my boyfriend.' She didn't know he was simply willing to do whatever was necessary to ensure his play went off without a hitch. He couldn't stand the fact that Jackson's little crush, which he'd been aware of since auditions, was now poised to ruin all of his hard work. The Last Heart was his magnum opus and he certainly wasn't going to give it up to satisfy the desires of a naïve freshman actor. Zach only kissed him to manipulate Jackson into behaving the way he wanted.

So the reason why Ami opened up all of a sudden was because she believed his romantic interest in her was some kind of ruse. It wasn't; Zach fantasized about being her first in numerous senses of the word. Since Ami had resisted his initial advances, he'd fallen out of the lust-at-first-sight phase and actually enjoyed spending quality time with her. In order to get even closer to her, it might be beneficial to play off her assumptions for a while. Zach lowered his chopsticks and laced his fingers beneath his chin, summoning a humble smile. "I've been seeing Jackson since his audition, and yes, our relationship needs to stay secret. People would accuse me of favoritism if they knew we were together."

Much to his delight, Ami promised not to tell anyone, not even Mina. And she had no reservations whatsoever when it came to working out the details of their study date that weekend, when they would have the mansion all to themselves.

The metamorphosis happened surreptitiously. One day Mamoru came downstairs for breakfast in one of his usual boring outfits and the next none of his roommates recognized him. Kaelan even lowered his newspaper and almost asked "who the hell is this guy?" before realization struck. Nicholas did a double-take as Mamoru held out his plate for some eggs and sausage, smiling innocuously. Joe didn't even notice since he required a few cups of coffee to actually wake up. When Zach joined them after his shower he appraised Mamoru's new look. "Nice jeans. Did Usagi pick them out?"

"She helped me buy a whole new wardrobe," Mamoru answered.

"I bet that cost an arm and a leg," Nicholas commented. "You get everything at Nordstrom?"

He shook his head. "We went to stores from high-end to low. I had no idea there was so much shopping downtown."

"That's cute," Zach said in mild condescension. "You seriously never noticed all the clothes on your way to visit Usagi?"

"Well, no… I'm usually only thinking about her."

Everyone went "aww" and began teasing Mamoru about his crush on Usagi, which his darkening blush did nothing to refute. "All kidding aside, maybe she shouldn't be the sole focus of your affections now that you're rocking a new style." Zach gesticulated with his cereal spoon in hand. "Now that you're putting yourself out there, you'll probably get hit on a lot. You look way more approachable than you did before."

Joe had perked up enough to roll his eyes. "Or maybe people will notice he has more self-confidence. That's more attractive than any outfit."

"The first time you meet someone, you judge their appearance," Zach said. "No one's going to realize how confident Mamoru is until they get to know him, and they'll want to do that based on how he looks."

"It'll be because of the way he carries himself," Joe countered.

"The clothes make the man," Zach asserted.

"The man makes the clothes."

"Will you two shut it?!" Kaelan's outburst silenced the kitchen. "No one cares what you wear and why you wear it so long as they can't see your naked arse." He went back to his newspaper while Nicholas cleared his throat and resumed cooking. It seemed like they were all arguing over petty things lately.

Joe helped tidy up the kitchen after Mamoru and Zach left for school. He had bags under his eyes despite having downed three cups of coffee. "You don't look so good, bru," Nicholas observed. "You sick or something?"

"No, just tired…" He yawned then. "I stay up late working on my research paper, but then my sleep gets interrupted by these crazy dreams. Even though I only have a couple of classes, my hours changed for the holidays so now I work from two to ten."

"That's rough," Nicholas said, giving him a pat on the back, "but at least you have a job. I still can't find anything."

Joe smiled sympathetically. "I got hired at Napa because I can drive the manual delivery trucks. Keep an eye out for jobs like that, ones requiring skills they don't mention."

Nicholas considered the advice as he set out for a mid-morning jog. He hated running but it was the best way to fend off flab since he could no longer walk across campus to spend a few hours at the gym. Two of his classes had been canceled and Kaelan was at a shareholder meeting for a startup company he'd invested in, leaving him alone at the mansion. He slowed as he approached a bus stop and snagged a schedule, finding a route to downtown Seattle. Then he texted Makoto. "You don't have school today, right?"

"Right, but I'm experimenting with syrups since there's no one here to complain about the smell of burnt sugar."

"Do you wanna go on a run to the Ballard locks?"

"It's supposed to rain today."

Nicholas wasn't sure if that was a dismissive statement or not. "I'll bring one of Zach's jackets for you to wear."

"Thanks for offering to commandeer stuff for me, but I have my own coat. Do you want to meet somewhere?"

"I'm headed your way now. Be there soon."

Although Nicholas had never been to the girls' apartment he knew it was close to Pike Place and got off the bus there, making his way down to the waterfront and finding Makoto waiting out front of the complex. She wore a wrap hoodie and ombre leggings, and Nicholas thought she looked gorgeous even though she wasn't even trying. "So what brought on this idea?" she asked.

"I thought it would be fun to go on an adventure with you," he replied with a grin. "I haven't been to the locks yet, and I remembered you didn't have classes Tuesday or Thursday."

"I do have work at three, though. It's ten miles to the locks and back." She raised an eyebrow. "Can you handle that distance?"

He puffed out his chest. "Of course. I work out all the time."

Makoto smirked. "Lifting weights doesn't give you endurance. I hope you can keep up with me." She set off at a brisk pace but Nicholas' long strides kept him at her side. The trail was almost abandoned except for the odd roller blader or cyclist who rushed by. While skirting the train yard Makoto took a swig from her water bottle, something Nicholas had neglected to bring because he was only supposed to go on a two-mile run.

"Care to share?" he asked in a hopeful tone.

"I don't want your germs," she replied. He honestly couldn't tell if she was joking or not, too skilled at ambiguity. This time Makoto just sighed and surrendered the bottle. After another mile Nicholas started to feel the burn in his legs, but by then they were close enough to the locks to see a few ships lined up. Opposite the canal was a visitor center and botanical garden that wasn't very picturesque this time of year.

Makoto refilled her bottle at a fountain, then she and Nicholas stood on the bridge watching boats come and go. She could hear Usagi's voice in her head telling her that this was an excellent opportunity to get personal, but she couldn't think of a conversation starter. Nicholas did it for her by making a casual comment. "This is neat. Wish my parents could see it."

"How are they?" she wondered.

He sighed deeply. "I'm not sure, really. Every time I call they end up badgering me with questions. 'How are classes? How's the chow? Do you like your flatmates? Do you have an American girlfriend yet?' They always ask if I'm going with someone."

"I'm sure they don't want you to feel lonely or anything. You're a long way from home, after all."

"It's not quite that– they really wanna become grandparents." Makoto raised an eyebrow. "They tried having another kid after me but it never happened, so they're the lonely ones. I felt guilty for coming here even though they insisted on it. I'd feel better if I had a little brother or sister to watch over them." He shook his head. "So yeah, they're waiting for the day I call to say I knocked up a gal and she's having my baby." Makoto just had to laugh. Nicholas' parents seemed like quirky people; his mother was a bartender at a popular nightclub and his father was a hotel chef. All his culinary knowledge came from them but Nicholas had deliberately channeled his energy into sports, because what teenager wanted to be just like their parents? She asked how he went from playing diski and scrum to studying civil engineering.

"Dunno why, but I've always been good at science and maths," Nicholas explained. "Geometry and physics were my best subjects in school– I nearly flunked everything else. Most teachers gave up on me since I was such an underachiever, but not Mr. Mitcham, my physics teacher. He convinced me to apply for scholarships even though I knew I'd never get into uni. My rents just couldn't afford it. But Mr. Mitcham wrote me a letter of recommendation, and I explained why I wanted to earn a degree in engineering, and I qualified for a bunch of scholarships in America. I chose UW because it seemed cool even though I was nervous about being so far from my rents."

Makoto nodded idly. She was numb to the subject of family by now, but a stupid thought wriggled into her mind and didn't leave: what would the Meyers think of her? Would they still want their son to give them grandchildren if she was the one carrying them? A child between her and Nicholas would be a mix of Japanese, Dutch, Welsh, and Zulu, but the unique combination might end up creating the most beautiful baby imaginable. 'Oh god, why am I thinking about having kids with Nicholas? I don't even like him that much!' That was a lie. Makoto was very attracted to him yet she despised the idea of changing into a different person if she allowed herself to fall in love, like Usagi did so many times before. 'Why did he have to come here? Why did he have to be at the horticulture fair? Why couldn't he have helped some other girl carry her plants?!'

Makoto whirled around to start the long jog home, running up a hill covered in exposed tree roots. "Hey, wait up!" Nicholas called, and that only prompted her to run faster. She wasn't really paying attention to the terrain until one of her feet wedged itself beneath an arched root, transferring all her moment toward the ground with a single gasp. Makoto landed on an arm instead of the dirt, a strong muscular arm attached to the rest of Nicholas. "That was close. You okay?" he asked.

"I think so. My foot just…" She dislodged it and felt a sharp pain travel up her leg, informing her that she had most likely twisted her ankle. Nicholas saw her wince and carefully lowered her sock, seeing the area already beginning to swell.

"Guess who's not walking back?"

Makoto groaned. "Whittle me a crutch or something, but please don't carry me. I'm not a baby."

Nicholas scoffed. Before she could protest he had gathered her up, and she clung to his neck at the sudden height difference. "I know you're not a baby, but I'm not going to let you hurt yourself even more," he said.

"Fine…" she grouched. This was turning out to be one stupid day. If she hadn't answered his text message she wouldn't be in this position right now. Stupid Nicholas. Stupid Ballard. Stupid tree! Makoto felt a drop of water on her forehead. "That better not be rain!" she pleaded. "Could this day get any worse?!"

"It's not that bad. I'm still having fun." Nicholas moved his fingers near her underarm and she released a shriek of laughter before attempting to fling herself from his hold.

"You jerk! Put me down right now!"

"Sorry," he chuckled, "didn't know you were so ticklish. I won't do it again, promise."

Makoto internally fumed before sighing in resignation. Upon arriving at the bus stop near the entrance to the garden, they learned it only ran during the summer. She said nothing while Nicholas gently lowered her, then withdrew his phone to ask Kaelan for a ride. The Maserati arrived and quickly brought Makoto home; she didn't protest as Nicholas carried her up the stairs. She hobbled into the bathroom for a gauze wrap that the boy promptly plucked from her hand. "I can handle my own wounds. You've done enough for me already." She didn't mean to sound scathing but he looked guilty nonetheless.

"Please, let me. I know this is all my fault. I should've done my typical route and gone home, not roped you into an excursion." Makoto said nothing as he removed her shoes and socks. He secured the end of the wrap and tested her foot for flexibility; it had to be rigid but not immovable. Satisfied, Nicholas watched while she stood up and limped around the living room. "You still going to work?" he questioned.

She nodded. "Yeah. I can't afford not to."

"I see." He took in his posh surroundings. The only thing that made this apartment so expensive was the view, otherwise Makoto could afford to rest. He didn't want her to take the bus since she could trip on the steps or someone's luggage, but if he voiced these concerns she'd think he was babying her. She wasn't weak, not by any means, but Makoto didn't know how to ask for help. Nicholas hoped this incident would prove she could depend on him, at least a little.

Zach had been right; several people Mamoru didn't even know made passes at him throughout the day. The first was a girl from his lab group. The second was a girl training to become an RN. At lunch, a boy channeling his inner K-pop star came up to Mamoru's table with a few friends in tow and made a rather bold proclamation. With his face aflame Mamoru explained that he wasn't attracted to men, hoping not to offend. The boys only shrugged and left. At the end of the day, a senior girl approached him in the parking garage and asked about his car, leaving him with a business card for a European performance shop and her number.

'Was it really because of the way I looked?' Mamoru wondered during the drive home. No, it had to have been his countenance and body language. People could dress exuberantly and still be introverted; they weren't calling attention to themselves, they just wore what they found comfortable. Mamoru felt assured in his own skin and now the rest of the world could see it as well.

He greeted Nicholas and Kaelan before heading up to his room, struck by its starkness for the first time. 'Usagi would hate it,' he thought. His old apartment in Radford Court had been just as sparse, completely lacking personality. Mamoru suddenly detested his bland, monochromatic surroundings. He dropped his bag by the door and pulled the bedding off his mattress with a ferocity he hadn't known he possessed. He emptied his nightstand, a steel box with wheels, and pushed it into the hall. After clearing the bookshelf he banished it from his room as well. Now it really looked empty. He didn't have any posters or art on the walls, no sentimental knick-knacks or personal treasures, nothing that indicated Chiba Mamoru lived here. Like he didn't live at all.

"Hey," said a voice that startled him. Kaelan stood at the threshold. "If I ask you something, will you tell me the truth?" Mamoru blinked away his anger and nodded. "Are you changing for yourself or for Usagi?"

"What do you mean?"

Kaelan folded his arms. "I mean what I say. Are you making all these changes because you want them to happen or because you think it's what Usagi wants?"

Mamoru was struck with a slight sinking feeling. "I… I don't know." What had compelled Usagi to talk to him at Amabie? Did she view him as a pet project, a doll to play dress-up with? All she had to do was flash that pretty smile and bat those pretty eyes, and it worked on him because he was a pathetic loser who wanted his existence to matter to someone. "Do you think she's using me?" he muttered.

"Do you feel used?" Kaelan returned.

People who manipulated others did it to crush their spirit, but Mamoru felt so strong now. He shook his head. "No, I don't. I think she wanted me to better myself. She gave me the confidence to go after what I want."

Kaelan nodded in acceptance. "Then maybe I was wrong about her. I just don't want to watch you get hurt. You guys are like the little brothers I never had. I care about you." He half-smiled before patting Mamoru on the arm and leaving, then the blue-eyed boy refocused on his room.

'This isn't me,' he thought. 'I hate it.'