Dear readers, sorry for the delay. Between my wonderful beta's schedule and my own, it's hard to find time to sit down, write, translate, proofread and correct.
I'm in the middle of moving house and between packing, administrative procedures, family life... I feel like my head is under water.
But here it is, chapter eight. I hope you like it. It's not what I expected, but sometimes characters have a mind of their own.
Small M rating for this chapter.
Telling you everything
1904
He opened the door, slipping a hand behind Elsie's back to guide her to the front door.
He walked ahead of her at a brisk pace, into the small park that belonged to the family. Nothing as large as the grounds at Downton Abbey, but enough to be safe from the eyes and ears that might be lurking inside.
They soon reached the bottom of the garden, and he motioned for her to sit on the bench. They were hidden from the house by a large tree, they would be quiet.
Neither of them dared to speak first. They exchanged glances and polite smiles. He wanted to kiss her, she wanted to be in his arms.
"Um, this... this Perkins man you brought with you, is he uh, is he a friend?"
"He's a childhood friend, yes, as I mentioned to you in my letters. We've known each other all our lives."
"And this friend, he's going to settle on Downton land thanks to you. I suppose you will visit him often?"
"Oh dear, not especially, I'll remind you that I'm the housekeeper at Downton Abbey and I don't have much free time. Samuel has been forced to leave the village."
"What do you mean? Did you bring a criminal into Downton?" He asked curtly.
"Oh calm down, Mr. Carson. He's not a criminal. His mother's dead, he lived with her, he's on his own now and... Things aren't going well with the neighbours. Land disputes, nothing serious. But Samuel needed to get away, he's been threatened and I promised his mother I'd help in any way I could. "
She didn't want to tell him that in the eyes of the law Samuel was considered a criminal, but his only sin had been falling in love with a passing soldier and being discovered in an unfortunate position by bigots.
"It's Mr. Carson, again?" he gasped. "And this... Samuel, is he not capable of looking after himself?"
"Samuel is perfectly capable, but he's been through a lot, and he's just lost his mother. I'm loyal, I don't let my friends down, you see. "
Now he was starting to get on her nerves.
"Look, Mr. Carson, I was happy to come to London because it gave me a chance to see you. But you... you don't seem particularly happy to see me. I'm sorry, I thought... I'm leaving tomorrow anyway so you won't see me for another two months, maybe three. "
She got up from the bench to leave, and he caught her by the wrist.
"Sit down. Please." She stood and refused to look at him.
"Elsie? Please stay."
She consented to come back and sit down, he'd kept his hand on her wrist and she felt suddenly very hot and had the urge to pull up her sleeve so he could touch her skin.
"I... Jesus. I'm sorry, Elsie. I really, really am. And I didn't expect to see you here, let alone accompanied by this... And your letters were so..."
She took the time to register what he had just said.
"My letters? What was so special about them?"
"You were so formal again and I didn't know what to think after..."
"Charles, I was formal, yes, I wanted to avoid sentimentality. I wanted to avoid mentioning our goodbyes because I was afraid of being hurt if you preferred to forget about it. I wanted to give you time."
"Forget about it? Elsie, we kissed. And it wasn't just goodbye, was it?"
He heard her take a sharp breath.
"No, it wasn't just goodbye. Not to me anyway. I... maybe I was distant in my letters, maybe I was afraid to think about it too much."
Charles smiled broadly. They were finally making progress, she was here with him for a few more hours.
He took her hand and squeezed it, trying to convey all the things he couldn't say.
"What do we do now?" she asked.
He didn't know, he didn't know how to do this, he didn't know what it was like to have a relationship, something serious. He thought he couldn't propose anything less than marriage, Elsie wasn't a mistress, she was a woman to be married, to be cherished every day. But as he was about to speak he was caught up in his not so distant past and he lost himself in memories that made him feel so ashamed and unworthy of her.
oOo
"Charles?"
He came to and looked at her intensely, so beautiful, there in the moonlight. He had wanted her, so badly, for so long, that he thought he had always wanted her, that she was the one who had always inhabited his fantasies. Even Alice was a pale reflection of what Elsie would be like once she came into his life.
"I... I want to kiss you. I want to hold you to me. I want you, Elsie. So much that I'm afraid of it sometimes." He had looked down as he told her all this.
"I want you too. And I'm scared of it too. Because I don't know how to deal with it all, I worry that I'll never live up to the women you've had."
He shifted on the bench uncomfortably.
"I won't insult you by saying I don't know what you're referring to when you mention these... women I've been with. I can only answer that it's over, for a few years. I took advantage of my status as a man to relieve a need, something mechanical. I was paying for a service, full stop. I'm not proud of that part of myself, Elsie. It's part of what makes me feel unworthy of you. But it's been a long time now since I've sought company in this way. Because the feeling of shame that I felt every time was getting more and more persistent, and then there was you. You're the only company I want, and I'm sorry I only realized that now."
"I know. I thank you for telling me all this. I know what you were doing to ease your loneliness. I knew it the day I found lipstick on your shirt. That understanding broke my heart, dulled the perfect image I had of you, and made you more human somehow. And I felt so naive... After all, the ritual of losing one's virginity among... this kind of woman, has existed since the dawn of time."
"I'm so sorry I hurt you. I would never have wanted that. I have no excuse for my visits to these women. That's the way men are made I suppose."
"Ha! And you can afford it without risking getting pregnant and being ostracized."
"Yes, you're right. I always thought a woman had more restraint about such things."
"We have no other choice, if we want a life. But I assure you there were times when it was so hard to resist. Times when I didn't understand so much of what my body was telling me, but I just knew that I wanted to be with you. To be with you completely. It's a need, yes like you said. This need to be touched, kissed, loved. I'm not like those women, Charles, I don't know..."
"No, you're not like those women. They don't compare to you, Elsie. If you only knew... Oh boy, if you only knew how many times I've been consumed with the desire to touch you, to kiss you, to love you, so hard, so fully."
"Kiss me Charles, now."
He turned to her, to make sure she'd asked him what he'd heard, it was she who moved to his lips and for the second time invited him to taste her. It was he, this time, who moaned against her lips as her tongue invited his in a languid, loving sweep. No, the women he'd paid were no match for Elsie.
Kissing on a bench was not the most comfortable position. She turned completely towards him without detaching her mouth from his and she embraced him, sitting, they were almost at the same height and she could easily put her arms around his neck. He took the opportunity to hug her waist and try to bring her a little closer. The kiss continued, neither Charles nor Elsie wanted to stop. Stopping the kiss meant going to bed and then being apart for several more weeks.
He left Elsie's mouth to kiss her cheek, her nose, the curve of her jaw, her ear, and buried his nose in her neck and continued the kissing there, all the while holding her tighter to him.
Elsie let herself go, she was totally swept up in unknown sensations that her body was crying out for. More, she wanted so much more.
To hear her sigh, hold back her moans, was putting Charles' body to the test. So when she arched against him and he felt her breasts pressing against his chest, his erection became evident and he was embarrassed at the thought of her feeling the effect she was having on him. As she took him into another hungry kiss, he stopped her and rose from the bench abruptly.
His back was to her, one hand resting against the tree as he tried to focus as best he could on something else.
The silverware, the cricket matches, yes, the moustached cricket players. He was trying to calm his ardour, Elsie had confessed her ignorance, her incomprehension of her body's reactions, this was not the time to frighten her with his over-reactive body.
"Charles?" She moved closer to him and he closed his eyes, concentrating once more on the cricketers' moustaches.
"It's all right, Elsie. I just need to get away from you for a bit so I don't... I don't want to go too far."
"Oh? Would it really be so bad to go too far with me? Doesn't it matter that I want to go as far as my body seems to want me to?"
"Elsie... not here, not like this."
"I'm leaving tomorrow."
He turned to her at last. Yes she was leaving in a few hours and again he would be separated from her.
He opened his arms and she came to curl into his embrace with a happy sigh.
"I want you Charles. Not just for the physical relief, not just because my body wants you. I want you because I love you, I have loved you deeply for so long now."
She had told him, finally. The words were released and she waited against him for his reaction. She felt him hold his breath, then he held her tighter against him.
"I love you, Elsie. I don't know what to do with all these feelings that come over me when I'm in your presence. I just know that I love you and I feel so happy, and proud to know that you share that love. But..."
"I know. We risk losing everything if we let ourselves go. I can't lose my job. But, Charles, what's the harm in taking a mistress?"
He swallowed, so loudly that she heard him.
She stood on tiptoe to kiss him and he let himself go into her kiss and once again got carried away by his passion. So much so that he pressed her against the tree, let her take off his jacket and unbutton his shirt while she peppered his neck with kisses and licks. He had taken the initiative to lift one of her thighs so she could wrap it around him and feel the effect she was having on him.
Elsie was no longer in control, she craved him, a primal, animal urge that told her that if she didn't have him, she might die. And she felt him there, against her, hard and pressing. And she could hear him sighing, grunting as she rubbed against him, cursing her thick dress, her petticoat and those horrible panties that came down to her knees. It wasn't enough.
"Touch me Charles, I want to... touch me."
Who was he to deny her that when she was asking with so much passion in her voice?
He kissed her again, this time with less vigour but more love and gentleness, a real love kiss and she arched her back against him once more, once more titillating his erection locked in his trousers. He moaned, he could cum now if she continued her movements against him. So he held her firmly by the hips, immobilizing her.
They looked at each other for a few seconds, then he leaned over her again to place a chaste kiss before moving his face slightly away to caress her lips with his fingertips. Elsie's breathing was laboured, her corset was in the way, she wanted to pull it off but Charles' fingers on her mouth prevented any coherent thoughts. She stuck out the tip of her tongue to lick the index finger that was resting on her, she heard him hold back a moan, she opened her mouth slightly and teased his finger with her tongue, licking it, sucking it. It was what he wanted after all, but boy, the control it took.
He enjoyed the caresses of her mouth on his finger and then withdrew, before coming up her skirt and petticoat and slipping his hand into her panties.
"Yes... Yes Charles, touch me."
She was wet, obviously aroused by all that had been said and done, and Charles was experiencing for the first time in his life what it was like to be desired. He wanted to take her, to sink into her. But excited as he was, she would feel nothing more than a bully stirring inside her and ending in a back and forth. He was going to give her a taste of what it would be like when they came together physically for good.
She wanted him to touch her but he didn't know how to caress her.
He explored her sex with his fingertips, shy, ignorant. It was so different from anything he had ever known.
She still had one leg wrapped around his hips and her pelvis was moving demanding more, her hands were hanging on Charles' neck, keeping her balance.
"Elsie...tell me what to do. Teach me. I don't know how..."
She smiled at the butler's assertive admission, and brought her right hand down to join Charles'.
She guided him to discover that part of her that only she usually knew and explored. Charles imprinted everything she showed him, how she liked to be touched, how she sighed when he pressed a little more there, how she bit her lip when he stroked her back and forth, or how she moaned when he slid his fingers around. She let him, she came to cling to him, and he stroked her again and again, taking his time, bringing her right to the edge and going elsewhere, frustrating her, exciting her.
"Charles...my God, Charles..."
He went back to where she seemed to love the most, if she didn't cum soon he would plunge into her, forgetting his restraint and his desire to give her a better first time than a hasty tumble against a tree.
"Elsie…, please, cum for me."
His voice mixed with his caresses focused solely on her clit brought her to orgasm. She arched her back against the tree, her body moved, she moaned, and Charles' hand was flooded with Elsie's pleasure and he thought he had never known anything more beautiful or intense.
Elsie could feel her legs trembling under the weight of the orgasm, she had never known anything like this, even alone, she had never achieved this pleasure. She was discovering this at Charles' hands, and she wanted to give herself to him completely. If his caresses were just a tiny preamble to what they would experience when they were free to kiss, to taste each other, to unite... She thought that maybe she could let her body be entirely consumed by the pleasure he would give her, and that she would willingly let him consume her.
He came to rest his forehead against Elsie's, who was smiling, happy, in love and fulfilled.
She kissed him again, wondering if she would ever stop wanting his mouth. She slid her hands down his torso, which was covered only by a knitted skin, and put her hand on the bulge in his trousers, applying gentle pressure.
"Elsie..."
"Let me do this, let me get to know you before I say goodbye."
He could no longer put his thoughts together, he had just made a woman cum for the first time in his life at almost fifty and she wanted to touch him in return. Her hand was on him, not on his skin, but boy, did it feel good.
He felt her unbuckle his belt, he grabbed her hand.
"Elsie... are you sure?"
"I've never been so sure of anything."
He then helped her to pull down his trousers, and she in turn buried her hand in his underwear and took her time to discover it. It was warm, heavy and soft. The moisture at the tip intrigued her. She touched him there, he unconsciously pushed his hips harder against her.
"Ooooh Elsie..."
He rested his forehead against hers again, as she uncovered him in turn. Her caresses, slow and gentle, put him in agony. He buried one of his hands in his underwear to rest on Elsie's and guide her.
He taught her how to stroke his entire length, stopping at the tip, moving down to his testicles, and then he let her do it.
She had learned well and soon she wanted to see him unravel under her caresses. The urge to get down on her knees and take him in her mouth was strong, but he held her, she felt his hands digging into her bodice, his eyes were closed, he sometimes bit his lip and moaned.
She could only caress him with her hand and watch him unravel under her touch.
She sped up her movements, he gasped, she kissed his neck, tasting his sweat, and finally nibbled his earlobe as she lingered one last time on the tip of his sex and she felt him tense a little more, before her hand was wet with Charles' ejaculation as he held back the liberating cry of his climax. He moved in her hand once more, and he collapsed against her, taking her in his arms.
"Oh Elsie, never... I've never had this... never. I love you, I love you so much."
"I love you Charlie. I've never had this. You're the only one, I want you to be the only one. Promise me I'll be the only one from now on, that you won't visit those women anymore. When you come back, you'll love me. When you come back I'll be all yours. And I want more of this, of what we just did, I want more. I want you."
"I promise you it's been a long time since I've had anyone but you. I want you, so badly my love. Yes as soon as I get back I'll be yours, you'll be mine, I'll love you in every way, I'll do everything to you that I've ever wanted to do. Oh God, I don't want you to go."
They sealed their promise in a languid kiss.
They cleaned up and dressed, before going to bed.
As he lay in bed, Charles thought back to his moments of doubt while Elsie was away. That moment when he had hesitated, when the temptation to go back to a brothel was very strong. Because he had received a letter from Elsie in which she explained that she had bathed in the loch of her childhood and he had imagined her naked, wet, and then she had settled in his brain as he had seen her in the lake, her white shirt clinging to her body, revealing her breasts, and the desire had taken hold of his loins. He had had to fight so hard not to go out and relieve himself in the arms of a poor woman.
-She says "come" to him, biting her lip teasingly, pulls down his trousers and boxers and strokes him with her hands, then her mouth. He closes his eyes, grunting with pleasure.
She doesn't linger in her caresses, once he is sufficiently aroused she lies down on the bed naked and offered and he gets on top of her, penetrates her sharply and starts his back and forth, fixing himself on the blue eyes. It is for the colour of her eyes that he has chosen her.
She moves underneath him, she knows how to make it go fast, so she undulates, arches her back, turns her head from side to side, moans, whispers how good he is, she claws and he seems to like it.
Then she looks him in the eye, runs her tongue over her lips in a way he finds vulgar and unworthy of the woman he desires. He has not yet admitted to himself that he is in love with her, but his heart knows it.
"Turn around, please," he asks as he pulls away from her, he doesn't want to see her face again.
She gives him a naughty smile and complies with his request. She gets down on all fours, rests her head on the cushion, her rump offered, and he doesn't wait any longer, he's inside her in a second, he concentrates on the feel of that body surrounding his sex, wondering what it would be like if it was really her.
The feel of her body beneath his, of her warm, welcoming sex, of the look in her eyes that would make them flicker, of her buttocks wiggling against his groin to take him deeper.
"Elsie..."
The woman responded with an exaggerated moan, and arched her back a little more, moving faster against him.
Elsie in this position, Elsie screaming at him that she loves him, that she wants him, all of him. Elsie offering herself to him, without restriction, who would be willing to let him taste her everywhere, who would give him her mouth too.
Charles thrusts his hands into the soft flesh of her fast-moving buttocks.
"Elsie" he whispers again "Elsie".
She's there, for a moment it's her moving against him, it's her moaning, it's Elsie telling him he's so good.
"Elsie, Elsie, Elsiiiiiie" He comes with his eyes closed, he doesn't want to see reality. He is with Elsie, he comes with her and she comes too.
But then she pulls away from him, he hears her dipping a rag into a basin of water. She cleans herself of his semen. She is already preparing for her next client.
He opens his eyes, comes to, he is in a completely pink room, smelling of cigarettes and sex. He decides to get up, pulls up his trousers, puts his braces back on. He refuses to look at her. He knows it's stupid, but if he looks at her he'll be angry with her, because she's not Elsie, because he's drowned once again in a body he doesn't know, which is sold for a handful of coins in a life of misery, and he feels weak for giving in once more.
He places a bill on the bedside table, right on top of the ones he gave before he did it.
He needs to wash himself now. Wash away the smell of this woman, the far too strong perfume she wears, the traces of make-up she may have left on him that disgusts him, he wants to wash away the shame he feels.
Elsie just smells of soap and rosewater, she wears no make-up or very little on rare occasions, she is not vulgar, she doesn't need artifice to attract him. He feels the bile rising in his throat. The shame that burns him, again.
He murmurs a goodbye. The woman replies that he can come back to her whenever he wants. It's rare to find a man who doesn't abuse her with good hygiene, so when that happens, she tries as hard as she can to keep the customer.
He walks out of the room, out of the building and into the London house.
"No more, it's over" He says it to the sky, to the trees, he throws his decision. No more brothels, he won't pay for it. The next time he dives into the pleasure of the flesh it will be with Elsie and no one else. Too bad, if it never happens, he's old enough now to do without, to be satisfied with solitary pleasure, and Elsie's image will be enough.-
That was the last time he had set foot in a brothel. He smiled to himself at the memory and at how pathetic he had thought himself. Now he had a woman who loved him, who wanted him for the first time in his life. Who accepted him with everything he was, who wanted him knowingly. A woman he sincerely loved.
Tomorrow they would be separated again, but their reunion would be explosive, he would make sure of that.
TBC...
Thanks to Pixie and to you for your reviews which I love.