Hey, people! I see you all hate Clint because of me XD I hope you won't be too disappointed by this chapter, then :p

PREVIOUSLY ON ASAF: "Don't look so surprised, you're the one who let me follow that guy," Clint said, pointing at Loki, "on my phone. Too bad I didn't get audio, because I would have loved to hear what your girlfriend said. Though seeing how she stormed out, I guess it's ex-girlfriend now. Poor woman. Having your boyfriend cheat on you with an alien psychopath, that's gotta be hard."

There were so many shocked eyes on him now that all he managed to do was bury his face in his hand and grunt his exasperation.

CHAPTER 11

The silence that followed the surprised gasps and looks was broken by the toast suddenly jumping out of the toaster, making Tony flinch. Wow, that was such a low blow! And Clint was a jerk. And okay, people always expected him to sleep with someone the moment he slept next to someone. That he understood; he had been known as one of the greatest playboys out there, and they could not know he had never cheated on Pepper. So he understood they might think him capable of doing it. But! But, more importantly, he was completely, utterly straight, and everyone should know that by now! And Loki was completely, utterly not a woman!

Or, well… Loki was some sort of strange sex, whatever, but he wasn't a woman! He just looked like a regular guy! If regular guys looked like freaking super models. Still, visually one hundred percent a guy – or from what Tony had seen, of course. He didn't want to see the rest to verify if there was, like, a… second… hole. No, he didn't want to know at all how strange alien bodies worked! Just like he didn't wonder at all how far the darker ridges on Loki's blue skin truly went. That would be just wrong.

His strange thoughts had derailed his indignation and burgeoning anger – and on the edge of his mind, he felt a foreign curiosity touch him. Yeah, this situation was curious all right! Tony took a steeling breath and picked up the two toasts by their slightly burnt corners, and brought them to Loki's now half-eaten plate. Obviously, proteins were more popular than colourful sugar lumps – contrary to Thor's general food preferences, it would seem. The more Tony knew about these two, the more opposing characteristics he saw, and he guessed they must have had a hell of a brotherly relationship over the years – the millennia. And 'hell' was the most important word there.

Tony sat back down in front of his Fruit Loops, and looked Clint squarely in the eye. The archer had only seen what was going on in the corridor, and for him, with Tony and Loki going in at night, Tony's half-naked state when Pepper arrived, and Loki's towel-clad body when he got out must have looked very compromising indeed. Still, it wasn't the kind of conclusion one should make with so little fact; especially in front of an audience.

"Sorry to burst your bubble, Clint, but I only got into the same bed as a god, I didn't get to bed one."

"Aww, weren't your charms good enough? Godly expectations are a bitch, right?"

A gasp came from his right, and he expected Steve was probably affronted by the whole conversation. Even Natasha was showing some emotion on her face – like she thought about cuffing Clint on the head or something. But geez, why couldn't the guy just let it go? They'd shared a room for one fucking night, so what? From the corner of his eye he saw Loki put down his cutlery. Please, God, don't let him say anything to provoke Clint's crazy fantasies even more!

"His charms are… adequate." Wow, such praise! "I particularly like the little blue light." Okay. What the fuck? That was a pretty damn weird thing to like – it was kinda impractical, and ugly as hell, all the scarring and shit. But okay. "However…" Loki suddenly poked him – poked him! – with a finger and he almost fell of his chair because of it. "He is so weak; I'd be too afraid to hurt him, you see."

Tony was frantically rubbing his painful bicep. "Rude," he mumbled under his breath, glancing angrily at Loki, and Loki smirked, the bastard. From the other end of the table, the arsehole that had started this stupid conversation was gaping at them, even though Tony wasn't sure what could be gape-worthy here. Maybe it was the destruction of his little fantasy where Tony was flat on his back with an alien-god on top. Tony snorted. As if that was ever going to happen!

Whatever the reason for his shock had been, though, Clint recovered quickly. "Well if he's so weak, he won't be able to hurt you. So you could very well have done it the other way around!" Ah, so Clint had just turned that little fantasy of his around. Literally. Looked like he was the kinda stubborn guy that didn't let go of an idea until completely proven wrong – and even then, he might just stick to his own beliefs.

It took a few seconds, but it suddenly looked like Thor had finally understood what was being implied, because he hit the table with a fist – everything on it jumped up half an inch, and Tony heard the wood creak – and stood up, chair scraping, and face the incarnation of anger itself. "Did you just accuse my brother of being argr?" Clint recoiled as if struck – and who wouldn't, when the god of thunder was bellowing in your face like that.

Whatever the word was, Tony thought that maybe, given the conversation, it could be the alien equivalent of calling someone a 'fag', and he suddenly wondered how old-fashioned Asgard was. Humans were already quite slow on the uptake when it came to LGBT rights, but how did magical hammer-wielding beings deal with it? Thor had seemed fine with Loki and him being soulmates, or so Tony had thought; was it just that in Thor's head soulmates didn't almost automatically imply sexual relations – contrary to what Tony had first thought? Loki had said that on Asgard they'd be considered more than married, but… Geez, this was confusing!

Loki was laughing next to him, and quite uncontrollably as well. Every time it looked like he was calming down, he'd look Thor's way, see his confused face – ah, so Tony wasn't the only one not getting the whole situation here – and just laugh harder again. It took him a minute, but he managed to calm down enough to gasp: "Argr! You're so amusing, Thor! I am unable of being argr, not in the way you see it."

Thor looked completely puzzled, and now Tony was understanding this less and less. So, what, if Loki was unable of being – as in absolutely couldn't be – 'argr', did that mean that 'argr' wasn't 'gay' or something? Because even if he wasn't gay – and why should Tony care? Right, he didn't, he absolutely didn't – Loki was acting as if it was obvious that there was no way he was this 'argr' thing, and how was Thor supposed to know Loki couldn't be gay or something? Except they had been brothers for millennia and Thor should know this kind of thing. But Thor looked like Loki had said the strangest thing in the whole universe, or something. The longer Tony thought about it, the less he understood. What the hell was this conversation about, exactly? "What is this 'argr'?"

"Argr," Loki repeated slowly as if Tony had said it wrong, though he couldn't hear the difference. Wasn't that what he had said? Sure, he wasn't great-great at languages, but he was adequately good at them. He could say weird alien words!

"Argr," he said again, and Loki just smiled, amused. Whatever, who cared if he said it right? "What does it mean?"

"It can mean more than one thing, but in this case Thor uses it as… I think you would say, 'unmanly'. And that is absurd, because to be 'unmanly', one needs to be 'manly' first, which means that one needs to be a 'man', and I am not."

Thor looked completely thrown, and so did the rest of the assembly, except for Tony. If 'argr' meant 'unmanly', then Thor had used it like he would have used 'fag' or the like – if he understood this right, it was an insult to those who 'bottomed'. No, an insult to 'men' who bottomed; as Loki wasn't a man, as he wasn't male; strictly speaking, he couldn't be gay, so it couldn't be seen as 'unnatural' for him to top or bottom either way, if Tony imagined this whole one sex society thing right. What was weird, though, was that Thor didn't know that.

"I do not understand," the blond said as if echoing Tony's thought.

A short chuckle escaped Loki's lips. "Why am I not surprised? I am Jötunn, Thor. Through and through." He paused, but when Thor's expression didn't change, he repeated: "Jötunn. I'll let you think about the consequences it has upon my sex."

After that lovely little sentence, it didn't take long for Thor to gasp and take a sudden step back, with his eyes so wide Tony wouldn't have been surprised if they'd just fallen out at the first jerk of his head. Tony turned to Loki. "Shouldn't he have known this like, way before I did? I thought they did alien sex-ed on Asgard. Right?"

"If Thor had thought a mere instant," Loki said, his tone betraying how much he had expected this outcome, "about what me being adopted truly meant, he would not have made a fool of himself."

"Bro—" Thor started, frowning, just to cut himself off, and Tony thought he knew exactly why he had.

"'Brother' doesn't really work, does it?" Tony commented. "Is there a word for a brother-sister sibling? Broster? Sither? Brister? Sother?"

Thor cleared his throat. "Brother. I… admit I had not thought of the implications of you being originally Jötunn. I apologise for my misplaced… outburst."

Loki looked as if Thor had just turned neon green, and the surprise and hint of wonder slipping along their bond made Tony think that Thor apologising was probably something very, very rare. Perhaps he should ask J.A.R.V.I.S. to store this super strange conversation on a drive somewhere just for the epic faces these two were making. And not just these two – the others were all looking from 'what the fuck just happened' to 'are you fucking shitting me?', and it was hilarious.

"Wait, wait, wait!" Clint was now arms outstretched and palms towards Loki, as if he could shield himself from the view that way. "Don't tell me you're saying what I think you're saying!"

Bruce was looking speculatively at Loki now, as if he'd be very interested in as many medical scans as technology could provide, and Natasha was calmly drinking whatever green-milky thing she was drinking, her face neutral once more. Steve was the only one completely lost, while Clint was effusively grossed out it seemed.

"So… What? He's what? Not a 'he'?" The archer gestured at Loki, but looked at Tony instead. As if Tony had all the answers! Why did people always assume Tony had all the answers? "Do we have to use 'xe' now? Is that what you're saying?"

"Xe?" Steve said, confused, and Loki quirked an eyebrow in question as well.

"I'm pretty sure you don't have to – I sure am gonna keep using 'he'." Tony threw his neighbour an overly enthusiastic fake smile. God, this conversation was otherworldly weird. "Loki did say he still felt 'male', didn't you dear? But yes, he is both – or neither – male and/or female. The way I understood it, Frost Giants are of only one sex. Hermaphrodites."

Now Clint openly stared at Loki with a sceptical frown, and next to Tony, Steve's mouth had frozen in a little 'o' form, and he was slowly turning beet red for some unfathomable reason. God only knew what was going on in that old brain of his. Conversation finally finished, Tony picked up his cooled mug of coffee to take a sip, only to immediately almost spit it out when the last voice he wanted to hear in the morning came from a darkened corner of the large room.

"How interesting! We'll make sure to run thorough tests to verify that little story of yours when Loki is in S.H.I.E.L.D. custody." How the fuck did Fury get here unnoticed?

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When he heard that irritating voice, Loki closed his eyes to hide his anger, but the fork bending in his grip probably gave his state of mind away anyway. How could he have let his guard down enough not to feel that annoying mortal coming? And why did he still need to be pursued after all that had happened? Of course, they wanted to imprison him because of all that had happened, but still, how much could you blame the puppet for the puppeteer's actions?

"Jarvis, how come my tower is being invaded yet again?"

"I am sorry, Sir. Some of my alarms and scanners have been disabled in yesterday's attack."

More S.H.I.E.L.D. agents entered the room, and Anthony's frown turned into a scowl. "Better put those alarms at the top of the repair list then, Jarv'. I'd like to be able to get rid of any pests before they get near my food."

Fury ignored him and moved towards his target, his weapon pointed at Loki in a repetition of the events in the tower's lobby yesterday. "I have to cut of breakfast early. I hope you made the most of it, because you sure as hell ain't gonna see food like this anytime soon in S.H.I.E.L.D.'s special cell."

Anthony stood up. "What happened, Nick? Someone erase your memory? I'd swear we had the exact same conversation yesterday."

"If you're suggesting somebody fiddled with my mind, I gotta wonder if you held up your end of the bargain, Stark."

Anthony's hand landed on Loki's shoulder, the warmth and slight weight a completely unneeded silent support. "You mean keeping an eye on Loki here at all times? Sure did! I even stayed with him aaall night long! If that isn't dedication I don't know what is! And it looks like you remember our 'bargain' just fine, so I have to ask, what the fuck are you doing here, Nick?"

"We have prepared a better containment system," a woman with short brown hair answered instead, "so you don't have to keep watch twenty-four-seven." Loki couldn't help himself from tensing at the thought of being imprisoned yet again, and the hand on his shoulder tightened its grip in response.

"Thanks but no thanks!" Anthony said in a fake jovial tone.

Steve Rogers stood up now as well, placing himself, again, between Loki and Fury, and partially obscuring the view. "Perhaps I didn't make myself clear enough yesterday, so I'll try to explain better. Our main problem isn't how to confine Loki, but the fact that there's probably no need to do so."

"Speak for yourself," Barton murmured, too low for the two speaking mortals to hear, but Loki glanced his way anyway.

"Probably," Fury repeated, his tone sceptical and his face frozen in its eternal frown.

"Yes, probably. I haven't even had the time to talk to the guy yet, and you barge in, waving your guns! And you weren't even polite enough to knock!" Loki was glad that, for some unknown reason, Captain America had decided to be on his side, but the mortal's sense of priorities was really strange. He could feel Anthony shake slightly behind him, while amusement rippled along their soul bond.

"How about we assess Loki's need to be confined while he's confined, you know, for the planet's safety and all that. You do understand that that is my main concern, Captain."

"And you understand that I cannot abide unnecessary confinement, Director."

Thor had been silently watching the exchange between the mortals, completely unconcerned, though now that the conversation did not seem to advance in any way, he decided to share with the assembly his – lack of – wisdom. "My brother cannot go anywhere without Friend Tony. Their soul bond will rebel."

"Their what now?" Fury asked, while from the other side of the table Barton said: "Soul what?"

"Their soul bond," Thor repeated, oblivious to the disbelieving stares he was collecting, Loki's – and probably Anthony's, if the foreign incredulity was anything to go by – included. He couldn't believe that oaf was just going to share their new 'state' with all these people, who bore only reluctant acceptance of his presence for some, and pure hostility from others. Especially if the blond idiot shared something along the lines of 'if one of them dies, the other will too', which might be understood as 'if you want to kill this god, you just have to sacrifice this one measly mortal'. "Loki and Tony are soulmates."

A very strange urge overcame Loki then; wanting to slap his own palm on his face – which made no sense whatsoever, because who would do such a nonsensical thing? The sound of flesh hitting flesh came from above him then, which meant Anthony had done the exact same movement he had been thinking of – or rather, the movement Anthony had been thinking of that had trickled over to his own mind. And he suddenly knew what it was called as well; a facepalm. How apt a name indeed! It also meant, however, that their bond was evolving alarmingly fast.

The sound of Anthony's 'facepalm' had broken the shocked silence, and among all the reactions, one was the loudest; Barton was laughing so hard he was wheezing, holding onto the table so that his quaking body didn't slide off his chair. The room's focus shifted to the mortal, and all watched him wipe the moisture at the corner of his eyes before he said: "I almost believed you for a second there! Asgardian jokes sure are funny! The perfect deadpan face almost did me in!"

Romanoff looked at her partner with a pitying expression. "You think he was joking? Didn't you look at them? Thor looked completely serious, Loki looked aghast and Stark looked like the incarnation of 'Oh my God he actually said it'. All three of them obviously think it is true, and if even Stark believes it, I'm guessing it's actually true." She paused, and while Barton stared at her, then at Anthony and him with an owlish expression, her calculating gaze took on the hue of mirth, and a leer stretched her lips. "Soulmates, huh? For some reason I have no difficulty whatsoever imagining that scenario."

Anthony scoffed. "Ugh, get your mind out of the gutter, Natasha! I already said we were only roommates—"

"I didn't mention anything of the sort, Stark, but if you insist. Are you sure there wasn't any 'mating' going on in there last night?"

A fist slammed against the table, and everyone fell silent again when they realised it had come from Bruce Banner. The Midgardian was breathing a bit heavily, and his eyes were tightly closed. When they opened there was a rapidly fading edge of green to them, and the closest S.H.I.E.L.D. agent flinched back. "Sorry. But could someone please explain what is going on?"

And even though Thor was the one to bring up the whole topic, all eyes turned to Anthony and Loki. "Well... It's—," Anthony started.

"Complicated," Loki continued.

"To say the least," Anthony added the moment Loki finished his word, which made it almost sound like the mortal was finishing his sentences, and that raised a few eyebrows. Anthony noticed as well, and cleared his throat. "And it's kind of a long story. In a mind-blowingly heretical kind of way. And I really don't need to hear it again, so if you want all the details I'm sure Jarvis can whip up a power-point or a nice little edited video of Loki's convoluted explanation."

It was silly, but Loki still bristled at the underlying insult. "My explanation was clear enough. You understood everything."

"Ah, yes, true, but I am not most people." And while Anthony received many glares for his conceited statement, Loki pondered the veracity of it. Indeed, Anthony was not most people; he was the being Lady Fate had given the other half of his soul to, and even if she had made the mistake of choosing a mortal, she might not have made the worst possible choice either – at least this Midgardian was intelligent enough to perhaps be able to keep up with him, while many Æsir before him had proven they could not.

"Tony. That still doesn't explain anything," Doctor Banner said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah, okay, suffice it so say Loki and me are, like… connected. Our souls are. By magic and stuff. And that includes not being able to be far apart. We're now officially a package deal!"

Anthony was still standing behind his chair, so Loki could not see his face, but he was certain that, while some nervousness and a tiny amount of fear flooded their mind bond, the mortal was throwing the others a wide and jovial smile. Sometimes the mortal was visually like an open book, and other times he concealed his emotions very well. He was a surprising source of contradiction.

"Well, I've always wanted to lock your annoying arse up too, Stark, so you can always come with. We've got space enough," Fury retorted, and before the whole argument could start over, Thor slapped the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. amicably on the shoulder – with enough force to make the mortal's knees buckle – and smiled warmly at him while his eyes screamed menace.

"Let us speak of my brother elsewhere, there is no need to bother my friends further."

The dark-skinned mortal was foolish enough to ignore the hand on his shoulder. "Wait a second! He," Fury said, pointing at Loki, "stole the Tesseract, and he hasn't given it back yet!"

Thor's smile looked less like a smile and more like a snarl by the second. "I have the Tesseract, and it is not something you should have had in the first place. I shall bring it back to Asgard, where it shall be safely stored away."

"You can't do that!" Fury protested, but Loki stopped listening. He just remembered something very important: the sceptre! Where was it? Most likely S.H.I.E.L.D. had it, and the Norns only knew what silly things they were doing with it! Furthermore, it could still be under Thanos' influence – even if it was not, it was still a weapon possibly created by the Mad Titan himself, so there could be nothing good about it. The magical core of it was powerful to say the least, and more than these mortals could handle.

"Where is the sceptre?" he asked, and while Fury's single, twitching eye focused on him, a disbelieving huff of breath came from Hawkeye's direction.

"As if we were gonna give you that one back!"

"I do not want the sceptre 'back'! I'd prefer to never see the cursed thing again! But it is a dangerous weapon that belonged to the Mad Titan, and may be under his influence still! Such powerful magic cannot be left into your race's inexpert hands!"

"Do not worry, Brother, I shall take care of everything." And when had that ever worked out for Loki? Thor bodily pulled the Director of S.H.I.E.L.D. out of the room, his hovering minions following, and Loki stared, appalled, as those responsible for his fate on Midgard walked away.

Aww, don't worry Loki, Thor will take care of everything! Or will he? Mwahahaha! Good luck, buddy, you're gonna need it, because I can be evil :D

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LL