Wow! Can that Connie – I'm sorry, Constance – can that Constance tell a story or what? Great, just great. Anyone need a refill before we move on? No? Great.
#4572, you're up!
Hey everyone, how 'ya doin'? Am I the only one who loves these microphones that instantly translate? Huh? Yeah!
OK, so I'm Dan. Dan Zopher. Well, I was, anyway. Years and years, and… well… let's just say a lifetime ago. For simplicity's sake. You know? Huh?
So, anyway. A little back story about me – I was with some buddies of mine. You know, we were hikin' and cavin' and campin'… well, long story short, we kind of got ourselves in a bit of a pickle. Yeah, we were stuck. Stuck something fierce!
Well, me and my buddies – there were four of us in all – we had no idea how long we were going to be trapped. Our supplies started getting low… then they ran out. And Carl, he was the 'big' guy of the group, he got sick and started to freak out and everything. Well, I'm sure you can guess what happened…
So, then there's three of us… well, cut to the chase… there's me. And, I couldn't help but notice that I started feeling a little different with every, um, meal. Good, better actually. I felt strong and powerful and all that. I even felt smarter.
Years passed, and my meals started becoming more and more… um… human. OK, let's just say it. Hi, my name is Dan, and I became a cannibal. But, let me tell you – once you've had human flesh, it's hard to go back to cow or chicken or… (yuck) vegetable. It's just not the same. I mean, come on! You eat a hamburger and what do you gain? A lot of fat? Have a salad and, well we've all heard the whole you are what you eat argument. Do you want to be a salad?
So, like I said, years passed. And, in all honesty and modesty, I evolved. I was no longer Dan Zopher; I was a wild man! I was a strong man, a smart man, hell, I was a better man.
Then, one day, I was grocery shopping – you know, stocking up the pantry for winter? There was this nice little display of humans, at their stupidest I might add, right in my neighborhood. Who could resist? Well, not me, I can tell you!
Anyway, like a week later – you know, time moves so differently in different plains of existence… but, let's just say it was at least a few days. So, a few days later, I'm back to my routine: shopping for the season and all. There's another camp. You know, I don't really understand English very well anymore (out of practice) but I could swear I heard something about M&M's… whatever that means…
One of these juicy morsels was a fighter. The jerk actually shot at me! Excuse me for being a man, but I had to kill him.
And then there were four. Those crazy kids split up – thank you for making my job easier! I got myself a set – a guy and a girl. Then, I went out to find the other two males. I mean, you never know how much snow you're gonna get – never know how long until the groceries are restocked. It never hurts to be prepared.
So, I started out to the market, but something told me to go back home. You know… just check and make sure everything is OK. Well, it wasn't! The pantry had been cleaned out!
In my own home, I found myself running around trying to track down my sundries. Well, I'll just say it. I was peeved! I smelled my provisions and pounced – no way I was going to be outsmarted by foodstuff! Yeah… well, that's what I thought anyway.
So, at about the same time that I noticed one of my meals missing, I heard the little jerk call out behind me. I vaguely remember… it was so far back in my past… flare guns…
Hey, I think that little guy shot me!