"Olive, are you sure you don't want to invite one of your friends over? I can even pick them up and bring them here." Mom was currently trying to beg me to have a friend over while she went on a date with Callie. I was trying to convince her I was fine.

"I'm sure Mom. It'll only be like two hours anyway. And its a school night."

"I know, but I don't want you to be alone. What if I had Teddy or April come over?"

I shook my head. "Mom, please. I'm fine."

"Olivia."

"Seriously. I would just..." I would just rather be alone. "I'll probably just watch some tv or something. I'm fine to be alone."

My mom wasn't convinced.

I was worried she might not go. I don't know why she was so adamant about me hanging out with someone.

"I'm all good, I promise." I stood up and gave her a quick hug. "You have to leave, you don't want to be late." Mom was picking Callie up, and she had to hurry if she wanted to get there on time so they could make their reservations.

Mom hugged me back, and then just looked me up and down.

"Go, go, go" I encouraged, a playful smile on my face.

After a few moments, she nodded. "Okay. I love you so much. If you need anything, call me, yeah?"

"Yup." I nodded, following her to the doorway. "I love you too, Mom, have a good time."

She smiled, kissing my head before opening the door. "I'll be back in a little bit Olive."

" 'Kay." I watched her walk down the walkway, closing and locking the door behind her.

I closed my eyes and leaned against the door. This week had felt so long since that talk with my mom.

Everything was just in my head. I wasn't sure if I needed to be alone or if I needed to be with somebody. The problem was that the only people I could really talk to about all of this is Mom and her friends. None of my friends know the actual story.

I would never expose the fact that my life isn't "perfect" at school. As silly as it sounds. I already get the looks of sympathy when people realize I grew up with a teenage mother. I didn't need the looks of sympathy for having an addict father. Or the gossip.

High school is stupid.

Mom says I should live it up and enjoy it- it's the last real time without responsibilities- but I think she only says that because she didn't really get to enjoy it.

Anyway, the whole my dad thing.

My heads been going to weird places about it. Now that some things I had only assumed before are confirmed, when I look back on the arguments I heard, I'm realizing a lot. I made a little list, if you're interested.

1. My dad's a really crappy guy.

You're probably like, no duh, I thought we all knew that. But, part of me, in the back of my mind still wanted to believe he was good. I think that same thing goes for my mom- she still does believe it. Or she wants me to believe it.

I think what confirmed that for me is that he actually chose to leave us. His kid, his wife. Sure he may have done us a favor through some sort of loophole, but usually (in the movies) the person fights for their family. Because... well... I don't know, some cheesy family means everything to me type thing. But, not him. He was gone in the blink of an eye. For the record, he did not say goodbye to me. Not that I really cared(maybe I cared a little). The point is, I just woke up and he was gone, and then Mom and I were in a hotel that night. He didn't really care about us.

2. I'm not sure if my mom really loved him.

This probably seems like a huge thing to say. And, I'm not just saying it because my mom is dating a woman now.

Even growing up, I questioned why they were together. What made my mom stay. And, last week, she basically said it was me. So, I'm not sure if she was in love with him. I think it may have been nice at some point, but then it just became routine. Why disrupt a routine.

I'm sure she loved him in some type of way, but I don't think she necessarily was in love with him.

Personally, I think she is in love with Callie. But, as far as I know neither have them have dropped the "I love you" yet. So, big accusation to make. I can see it though, my mom is thoroughly happy around Callie. She's never been like this before, so I can only assume it's love.

3. The way my dad spoke to her really wasn't as normal as I was made to believe it was.

It always bothered me. A few times, when I was about 10, I overheard him talking to her, and walked down there. I yelled at him- I am now realizing he probably didn't process anything I said- he was definitely not sober. But, I remember my mom crying. She basically begged me to go to sleep, she said that she was fine, even though I knew she wasn't. We didn't talk about it again. And, I resorted to laying on my bedroom floor and listening.

Horrible, I know. But, I was listening for cues that my mom wasn't ok. That she needed me. I don't know what I would have done. But, I needed to listen.

It was close to an every night thing, at the end. Screaming, lots of just... nasty things. My mom crying.

People aren't supposed to talk to other people like that. I guess I knew that before, but now, I realized how bad it really was. My mom was hurt- more than I had ever thought she was. I could tell by the look on her face when she talked about it.

4. I'm glad they got divorced.

What kid says that? That they are glad their parents split up?

Me.

I knew it was bad for my mom to be with him. I knew it was hurting her.

Of course I am glad she got out of that, that she isn't constantly dealing with such an emotional burden any more.

I knew when I was twelve that they needed a divorce. As soon as I knew what it was. I heard Mom threatening it often, too.

I think Mom is happy, too. Of course she is upset that I 'don't have a father.' But, it never felt like I did any way.

I'd say my list is... solid. Hits all the points of what I need to process. A lot of processing.

Mom has been kind of washing over it the past few days- we talked about it, and now we don't speak of it again. Which, that's fine, it's her way of processing. But, that means I don't get to talk about it either. Which leaves me doing silly things like making lists in my head.