Hello there! Long time no see! Remember this 'little' fanfic that I haven't updated in months? Well, here's a 100% Tony-POV that hopefully will satisfy you :) And remember that M-rating that I promised you since the first chapter, aka 2 years ago? Well, here's the first M-rated chapter! I hope you'll like the M-ratedness of it. (It's only, like, my second time ever writing something of this nature, so. Hope it's good enough.) Don't get your hopes up too high though :p
PREVIOUSLY ON ASAF: He could feel Tony's concentration on his exact whereabouts all the way up the steps and down the corridor to their room. The moment he walked in, Tony turned towards him, raised a glass full of amber liquid and took a hearty swig of it. "Finally. Want a drink? I think we deserve it." Loki didn't even get to answer – Tony was already pouring another glass, this one filled to the brink. "Here," he said, the drink swishing over when Tony carelessly handed it over. "You might need it. I know you don't wanna tell me about the mind bubble thing. 'Cause it gives you an advantage over me and all that. I get it. But it isn't fair and you know it. So. You're gonna teach me." He took another gulp and trained his fiery gaze on Loki.
Now it was Loki's turn to down some of his drink – a gaze like that was doing things to him that he wasn't sure he could entirely hide, even with his shielding. What else could he do if he did not want his soulmate's determination to turn to fury? "Very well. I shall explain."
CHAPTER 30
Tony stopped his sigh of relief from passing his lips, but Loki's look confirmed he shouldn't to have bothered; his relief had been broadcasted by the bond loud and clear. This was exactly what he'd been talking about; the fact that he couldn't hide anything and Loki could throw up a steel wall in front of Tony's bond-probing efforts was totally unfair. He emptied his glass in one go, the 25-year-old single malt BenRiach pleasantly burning the back of his throat. It was only a 300-dollar bottle, so it didn't need to be sipped like a 1945 Macphail. The only thing it needed was some ice. On the rocks was much better for this type of whiskey.
Tony filled half of his glass again – when did he ever care about official units of alcohol – and gestured between his and Loki's glass. "Care to do a magic trick? These would be way better with ice cubes." Loki was magnanimous enough to let his exasperation bleed through the bond, and after a second stuck his finger in Tony's glass with an amused glint in his eye. Ice slowly formed on his fingertip and grew and grew until it almost filled the entire glass in a single bloc of ice, barely leaving enough space for the whiskey and making it virtually impossible to drink without spilling it everywhere. No more alcohol for this conversation; message received loud and clear. Just to be contrary, Tony tipped the glass back and got as much whiskey out of it as he could. Sure, the ice squashed his nose with its weight and perfectly good scotch dribbled down his chin in rivulets, but whatever. A swipe of his arm later, it was gone.
He put his glass down and sank into the nearest armchair. "So. That explanation."
Loki took the time to appreciate his drink with his eyelids half-closed, his thick eyelashes framing the ruby slits of his eyes, bottomless pupils trained on Tony, and it felt like he was being watched by a dangerous feline happy to have caught its harmless little prey. Tony swallowed, unable to tear his eyes away, and his lips tingled at the sudden memory of… earlier. Before dinner. You know, the moment their lips happened to be in contact for like half a second. And he had no business remembering this now, so what the hell, subconscious? The next instant the look had been wiped off Loki's face and Tony could breathe again, relieved.
"It would probably be easier to do this lying down." Well, that brought forth more unwanted imagery. This was about learning how to shield his mind, damn it! "One needs to relax one's mind to be able to establish the shielding that protects it from many magical attacks, and in this case, prevents emotions from being shared by the soul bond."
"Okay, fine. We'll get ready for bed first. But don't you dare fall asleep on me so you don't have to teach me." Loki simply smirked in response and headed for the bathroom, leaving Tony alone to strip down and throw on some much-needed pyjamas. A physical shield was almost as important as a mind shield these days when it came to Loki. They'd been much too close this afternoon; he didn't think he could stand much more skin contact tonight. A hand in his all night would be nerve-racking enough. His thoughts had gone in an uncomfortable direction too often as of late.
The moment Loki stepped out of the bathroom Tony rushed in to take his place. The sooner they could start the mind-bubble lesson, the sooner Tony could hide behind it when needed. Being able to have some real privacy would be fucking awesome. He'd been surviving on denial, wilful forgetfulness and pretending it didn't matter, but he was sick of having to rein in his emotion not only physically, but also internally – he was afraid he'd failed much too often. Who knew what Loki thought of all the uncomfortable incidents in which Tony would have liked to keep his feelings to himself. He hadn't even wanted to feel said feelings, like with the… peck on the lips. Or the glimpse he'd had of Loki's… No, concentrate on brushing your teeth, Stark. Don't think of your soulmate's arse— too late. Bloody hell, he better learn how to shield this.
When he got out, Loki was already lying on his side of the bed with his hands under his head, on top of the covers – perhaps to show he had no intention of sleeping to evade teaching him. It just had the disadvantage of displaying Loki in all his almost naked blue glory, the cloth of his underwear hiding the only part Tony hadn't seen yet. No wait, where had that 'yet' come from? That almost sounded like Tony wanted to see Loki's… private parts, and he definitely didn't. Nope. Totally wasn't interested. If he kept telling himself that maybe that way it would become true.
Tony settled himself in a similar position on the other side of the bed, and silence reigned. Tony suddenly felt nervous, which was absolutely ridiculous, but it still made him ramble out something at random. "Was it okay, staying blue all day? I know you absolutely hated it before but you didn't really seem uncomfortable to me; but then, what do I know, you could have hidden your discomfort behind your shield, of course."
"It was… surprisingly normal, especially towards the end of the day. I would sometimes even forget and only be reminded when noticing my own skin."
"Hmm. Good." Tony turned his head on the pillow so that he could see Loki's profile. "You should feel 'normal' in the skin you were born in." Loki looked towards him then, and while not a single of his facial muscles moved, Tony could feel how pleased he was. They looked at each other for at least a full minute before Tony had the strength to tear his eyes away and turn his head back towards the ceiling.
"Shall we start then?" Loki said. "It might be easier in the dark."
J.A.R.V.I.S. immediately obliged. Tony blinked away the complete darkness of the obscured windows and the extinguished lights. Only the dimmed light of his Arc reactor remained, as did the tiny reflective pins of drawn constellations in his ceiling that he was barely starting to get used to seeing. He had gotten them installed as a romantic gesture for Pepper – sleeping under the stars was supposed to be romantic, right? It was probably good that they weren't very visible now. Loki in his bed wasn't supposed to be romantic in any way. It wasn't supposed to mean anything at all.
"Relax your mind and concentrate on where you can feel the bond. Banish all other thoughts." Banish all other thoughts, easier said than done; they weren't touching but Tony could feel Loki's presence beside him as if he was a lighthouse and Tony was lost in the fog and the dark, desperate to find his way home. The bond was pulling at him, trying to convince him to just move his arm and find Loki's hand, and that was awfully distracting. "Concentrate," Loki chided.
"Yeah, yeah." He huffed and scrunched his eyes shut tighter. If he couldn't quiet his mind – which he had never been able to do so it wasn't going to happen now – then he could still do something he was good at; multitask. So besides Loki's skin that pulsed next to him with every heartbeat, he concentrated on that feeling of the bond, in his chest, in his brain, where it shone like a tiny light blue star. Or maybe not such a tiny star. They weren't touching, but perhaps the proximity made it look bigger? Or maybe it had grown with time? If it was the latter, that was kind of worrying. What if it grew so big that there was no way to contain it behind a shield or something?
Next to him, Loki sighed. "Focus on the bond and its thread. The place where the thread of our soul connects to the mind is where you want to build your shielding."
"Only the mind one? Not the heart one?"
"The connection at the heart is the connection to your magical core. You realise feelings do not originate from the heart itself, do you not?" Tony could hear the mockingly raised eyebrow in Loki's voice but did his best to ignore it. He knew when silence was the best answer. Better not antagonise Loki when he was finally going to teach him the shield thing. The urge to say something to defend himself against the mocking tone Loki had used was still strong though. Luckily Loki started talking again before his mouth did whatever it wanted. "Once you have visualised the entirety of the bond in your mind, you can focus on protecting it entirely. If you miss a section of it, that piece would be exposed and slowly be used by the bond to dismantle your shielding completely."
"How do you know all that? I mean, you managed to use the shield thing almost right away. And I don't think yours has been 'dismantled' in the way you're discribing. Unless we're touching. The shield is not as strong then… Is that what you mean? When we touch you can't keep all of it hidden and your shield slowly fails?"
"My experience does not come from the soul bond – I have been taught to shield my mind a long time ago. It serves as a protection against wild magics, the backlash of certain spells, and mind magic."
"Mind magic? Like mind control? That didn't work out great for you, did it?" Tony said with a smirk. The thwack against his upper arm came out of nowhere – it was dark after all – and Tony could not hold back the surprised "ow!" that escaped his lips. "Geez, sorry," he mumbled, vigorously rubbing at the spot on his arm. "No need to get into beast mode if I hit a sore spot."
Next to him Loki stopped breathing and went entirely still. Their connection through the bond went completely dark on Loki's side, and Tony didn't need to feel the sheets under him getting colder and colder to know he'd managed to put his foot in his mouth somehow. And if it wasn't the dig at his being controlled by Thanos – that had not been a clever comment to start with – then it had to be because of the word 'beast'. Another word that needed to be shelved in the taboo section, right next to the words 'monster', 'daddy issues' and 'adoption'.
Tony sat up and J.A.R.V.I.S., his clever boy, flicked the lights on at its dimmest setting. Tony was familiar enough with Loki's face now that even in the poor light and with the alien skin, he could see that Loki's jaw was so tight it was a wonder his teeth weren't cracking under the pressure. Loki's eyes were fixedly looking at the ceiling – or perhaps they weren't looking at anything at all – and the breaths that went in and out of his nose were loud and unnaturally regular.
Tony's hand hovered over the skin of Loki's arm, unsure if touching him was a good idea, or the worse idea ever. On the one hand, fully connecting the bond might soothe Loki's… whatever this was. A panic-attack? A wave of self-loathing? Both? Neither? And on the other hand, touching him might compromise his shield as it had done before, which Tony guessed Loki wouldn't want right now, so Tony might be thrown off the bed – in the best-case scenario – or frozen solid inside a huge chunk of ice – you guessed it, worst case scenario. To touch or not to touch, that was the ten billion question. Probably better not to. Words were what started this mess, words would have to resolve it.
"I'm sorry fo—"
"I apologi—"
They both stopped talking at the same time and looked at each other, Tony's mouth still stuck in the 'o' of his aborted last word. There was a beat of silence, then another, and Tony blinked his confusion away. "Why the hell are you apologising?" Loki's mouth opened to answer, but Tony didn't let him. "Sure, I could have done without the bruise on my arm, but I know my bringing the whole mind control thing up like that was not okay. And while I didn't mean anything by the 'beast mode' comment, it obviously brought up some bad memories or something for you, which was way worse than that hit on my arm, since you got the sheets all frozen by reflex."
Tony touched him then, but it was unneeded; the skin of Loki's arm was already thawing, and the ice that faintly glinted in the low light was melting as well, leaving the covers damp. With a gentle tug, Tony's magic glided down his arm and the sheets warmed until they were all dry and pliant, as if they'd just been taken out of the dryer. (Not that Tony had ever taken clothes out of a dryer, but it's what he expected it to be like anyway.)
Loki took a deep breath and released it slowly. The bond relaxed, Loki's walls getting thinner and thinner. Tony's gaze remained on his soulmate's face for a moment, but Loki kept looking at the ceiling. "How about we pretend the last few minutes didn't happen?" Tony asked, and that got him a look and a nod. He laid back down and J.A.R.V.I.S. switched the lights back off. Tony's hand was still on Loki's arm, and as there was no protest he left it there for now.
"Concentrate on finding the borders of the bond in your mind," Loki said, which was totally unnecessary as Tony had already started working on that. Only what he found now was not a star hanging by a thread, but a sun double its size with fuzzy, pulsing borders difficult to visualise, and a cable so bright sticking out of it that it was difficult to keep looking at it even in his mind's eye. Tony lifted his hand, breaking their connection, and the white dwarf star was back on its thread. He put his hand down, and a yellow dwarf as big and bright as the Sun invaded his mind. He lifted his hand, put it down; Sun, a star, Sun, a star, and a wave of exasperation from Loki stilled his hand in mid-air.
"Once you can see where you need to shield your mind, you can start visualising the shield itself. The shield you imagine depends on how you envision the rest of your mindscape. It can be a bubble, as you have called the shield before, but it might be difficult to put into practice when it come to the thread. It is the thread you need to pinch shut, however if you do not entirely encompass the rest of the bond in your mind, the connection will grow from another section instead. That is the reason why it is much more difficult to shield when the bond's connection is strong – though I have to admit that even without touching, shielding has needed increasingly more concentration to maintain."
"Great. So it's gonna be more difficult to learn now that the bond's had time to grow in my mind, is what you're saying?" Tony grumbled. This should have been tackled the moment he'd heard about the mind shield. Nothing he could do about it now, though. "Thanks for the head's up, I guess," he sighed. "What do you see in your mind then, for your shield?"
"A chest of dark wood with golden accents, similar to one I used to have in my room when I was younger. The bond is pinched off where is goes through the keyhole. All I have to do is force the bond inside the chest, close the lid and keep the bond from turning the key."
"…Right." That totally made sense. Or not.
"You can imagine anything that has the capacity of enclosing and locking up the bond."
"Right." It sounded simple when Loki said it, but all Tony could 'see' in his mind was a whole lot of nothing and star on a string. He didn't have a mindscape that looked like anything he knew – when he worked problems out they just appeared somewhere in the nothingness, like calculations or designs floating in mid-air, and disappeared when they weren't needed anymore. The bond though, that wouldn't leave or budge. He tried making a wooden chest – he could see it clearly, inside and out, but when he tried to place it around the bond it just… wouldn't fit. He tried a few times, but it was like one of those toddler toys where you had to fit shapes into holes; it was no use trying to push the square through the circle. No matter how big he imagined that fucking chest the bond just didn't fit inside somehow. All the rules of physics said it should – at this point the chest was at least three times the size of that stupid star – but as some sodding magic was at work here, nothing worked.
Screw the fucking chest, then. He was an engineer; he could invent something that could contain a star on a string, dammit! He could feel Loki pushing an eerie impression of calm at him – it rode the bond's string like a monorail of emerald light, the same colour of Loki's eyes when he wasn't blue, and crashed into the bond's star in his mind, slowly dissolving inside it and disappearing. Or becoming one with him – the frustration that had been on the point of making his blood boil had all but vanished. Also, Loki's bond was green? He'd never noticed that. And how did that make sense, anyway?
"Why's the colour of your bond not the same as mine?"
"Why should I know such a thing? My bond is the same colour as my magic; I expect yours to be the same colour of your magic as well. It would make sense for your magic to be the same shade as your Arc reactor, as it is one of the sources you would draw it from."
Oh. He hadn't realised, but the star in his mind was indeed a very familiar light blue. "Wait, Magic has a colour?" He didn't remember 'seeing' the magic in specific colours, it was just… there. And not there. Colourful and colourless.
"Certain spells, when cast, will bring out the colour of the wielder's magic for all to see."
"So for the same spell, magic has a different colour depending on who uses it?"
"Yes."
"And do you think the colour of my magic changed because of the Arc reactor? Like, was mine the same colour as yours and it changed, or was it always this colour to begin with and it's just a coincidence that the Arc reactor is the same colour? You said soulmates have the same magical signature, right? If my magic wasn't changed by the Arc reactor and was blue to begin with, how come we have the same magic? I mean, wouldn't it make sense for soulmates to have the same colour?"
"And are you going to tell me that it does not make sense that we do not have the same eye colour, or hair colour, or skin colour because we are soulmates as well? Our bodies are not the same, our minds are not the same, our magics are not the same even if they leave the same signature. The only thing that is truly one our soul."
"For now."
Tony blinked and stared at the dark ceiling. Wait, that had been his voice saying that, hadn't it? That mouth-brain connection really needed rewiring, because what he'd just said sounded really not good, because he had totally not meant anything like there could be more parts of them that would be 'one' – the images that immediately appeared in his mind were absolutely not welcome. He ignored the warmth that shot through him and concentrated on saying something that wasn't stupid. "You know, like, after a while of knowing each other people start to think alike a bit and stuff." Yeah, that didn't sound as smooth as he would have liked. Plan B then; change the subject. "And we've joined our magic together as one before and all that. So, that didn't really have a specific colour because it wasn't a spell I guess? Or was it because it was a mix of our magics?" There. Safe.
"It wasn't a spell. And I do not know what colour our joined magic would be if we were to use it to cast a colour-revealing spell together."
"Teal? Turquoise? Depending on who's fuelling most of it?"
"Have you changed the subject long enough now to go back to our original purpose? Not that I would mind it if you decided that constructing a shield for your side of the bond was too difficult for you. I completely understand if you need to report this endeavour to tomorrow; I will not think any less of you, I assure you." Now that sounded like a lie, and Tony turned his head towards Loki. His teeth were gleaming in the low light of his Arc reactor, lips stretched into a smirk no doubt, but there was no lie that the bond could feel. Huh. "I never expected you to manage it in the first place," Loki added in a tone full of contempt, and hello there, strong and familiar itch in his chest!
Why did Loki say stuff like that if he knew Tony could feel the lies behind his words? Force of habit? Or was this some sort of twisted way of him to try to encourage Tony, or something? Was it too big a blow to his ego to just say 'you can do it, I believe in you'? Though to be fair, if Loki said something like that there was no way Tony wouldn't be completely weirded out. Yeah, better let him continue to use his twisted backwards ways of expressing himself. "Gee, thanks for the vote of confidence!" Tony drawled for good measure. "I was totally nailing that shielding business before you so rudely interrupted me with the different colour-scheme of your side of the bond." Right. And he did the lying thing to, didn't he? To protect his pride. He knew Loki would know the truth though – AKA his pride would be blown to bits regardless. It should bother him. Shouldn't it? Wasn't it logical to be frustrated by the constant exposure? And yet it was so… liberating. So relieving. To know that someone at least knew what he was hiding, what he was really like, knew what he actually meant to say but couldn't. He suddenly wished that there hadn't been any possibility of shielding to begin with.
But there was shielding, and it was disrupting the balance of power in a really unpleasant way – if someone should have the advantage over their minds then surely it should be Tony, given that Loki already had the advantage physically and magically. You screwed that one up, Fate lady! But whatever, Tony would fix it, like he always did. He closed his eyes and concentrated on the bond again. Right, where were we? Not a chest. What else? The image of a cardboard box sprung to mind, which was absolutely ridiculous – who in their right mind would put a star in cardboard box wrapped in tape? He needed something strong. Like a vault. With a keyhole to let the thread through. But wasn't that the same as the chest idea?
He needed something different. If only the bond didn't look like the Death Star constantly firing its Superlaser— Wait, okay, there was an idea. He had a shieldless Death Star, and that was bad news for the Empire. He needed a shield that was adapted to its form – guess what, a fucking bubble, he'd said it all along – made of a harmonised energy force field that instead of protecting the bond from outside threats would confine it within the shield's bounds. And then the only thing he needed was some type of circular hole in said shield that could be closed tightly around the bond's thread – the Stargate's Iris barrier was a good example of that. All he needed was imagining a Stargate-like ring around the bond's thread, that had the shield generators attached to it, and voilà. He just needed to punch in the launch code.
Tony took a deep breath and flipped the switch. A transparent-blue sphere of energy grew around the bond-star like a circular tsunami whose edges crashed into each other, closing the shield-bubble just before the bond lashed out with a solar flare. The shield caught the punch in a glitter of sparks but held, and Tony let out the breath he'd been holding. The thread was still merrily sending information Loki's way, but the core of the soul bond had been captured, and after that initial lashing out, didn't seem to mind being caught. So far so good. Tony activated the circular door, and the hole grew smaller and smaller until it hit the thread. There it whirred with an unbearable screech that almost deconcentrated Tony entirely, and the bond's star lashed out on all sides, but Tony concentrated on the door and it pushed at the thread and forced to grow smaller and smaller and—
Tony gasped and his eyes flew open. It— There— What— Tony took a quick breath, and out, and then another. This was… weird. He felt— He didn't know how he felt. Numb, he supposed. Like he'd somehow ended up underwater and all his senses were dulled. How did Loki manage to live like this? This felt so wrong! It felt so… unnatural. He knew this stupid bond wasn't meant to be smothered in any way!
"Hush, this feeling will pass soon. Just breathe through it," said Loki's voice from somewhere far away. Tony vaguely wondered if his shield was holding – how could Loki know what he felt otherwise – but everything looked okay when he inspected it, and the horrible feeling of missing something vital was still there. "Breathe slowly," Loki voice said as it was floating by, and Tony realised he was maybe breathing a tad quickly. As in, he was totally hyperventilating. He wondered if he should be embarrassed by that, but then again why should he? Why was anyone ever be embarrassed? Embarrassment was a feeling Tony suddenly couldn't make sense of, and that was wrong. Was it, though? His mind was telling him it should be wrong, though he couldn't fathom why that was. One thing was sure, this shielding business was not okay. There were alarm bells going off in Tony's mind for some reason, and while a little voice was telling him this was horrible and wrong he couldn't actually feel it – and that probably meant the little voice was right. Right? Why the hell did Loki not tell him how horrible the whole shield business really was?
Something eased on Loki's end and suddenly Tony felt almost normal again. Loki's concern and puzzlement bobbed along the thread and forced its way through the pinched shut circular gate. The wave of forced calm that followed was rather redundant at this point – Tony had found control over his lungs again the moment Loki did… whatever he did. A slight ripple of annoyance entered Tony's shields, and then it hit him. Loki had lowered his shields. And the moment he did, shielding wasn't such a horrible feeling anymore for Tony.
"Was that normal?" he asked the moment he had regained his breath.
"There is always a moment of discomfort when shielding one's mind. However, it seems that it was much worse for you than I expected." Tony didn't have to see Loki to know he was frowning. And that had to be transference from the bond too, wasn't it? The fact that he knew that this bothered Loki much more than he let on.
"I'm fine now. It was fine the moment you lowered your shields. So now I have a theory."
"If you are thinking that we cannot shield at the same time, then I have to inform you that such a thing should be absolutely preposterous." Loki fell silent for a few seconds and sighed. "And yet I fear that it is nevertheless so."
Tony turned on his side, the light of his Arc reactor illuminating Loki's profile through his shirt. "Well, there's no time like the present to test out our theory. I'll let you do the honours, Smurfette."
Loki turned his head towards him and sneered. "How gracious of you."
Tony simply smirked back, and after a few seconds Loki closed his eyes and turned his head back up towards the ceiling. A slight frown of concentration pulled at his forehead and the moment Tony felt Loki's connection to him fade away, the frown deepened. Tony could see the muscles in Loki's jaw jump when he clenched it, and his breathing picked up, though it certainly didn't get anywhere near as fast as Tony's had. Either the lucky bastard didn't feel as horrible as Tony had felt, or he had some kick-arse pain tolerance. Probably option two if the nails digging into the covers were anything to go by. The seconds ticked by, Loki as straight as a plank beside him, every muscle tautened, and Tony sat up, worried. What the hell was he doing? This was proof enough of their theory already, Loki could let go of his shield and—
Unless… "If you really think I'm gonna lower my shields to help you out of this and give you the tactical advantage back, think again. I know you'd like to believe I'm that stupid, but I assure you I'm not, babe." Not even half a second after Tony had finished speaking, Loki's side of the bond exploded with life, feelings of all sorts rushing to meet Tony and leaving his own shield ringing with the impact. There was annoyance, anger, pride and amusement that Tony could identify, but the rest was lost in a rush of warmth that had dissipated before he could put his finger on it. "Theory confirmed, then?"
"Obviously." Loki sounded just as irritated as he felt through the bond and Tony couldn't stop his lips from stretching up in triumph. He finally had the upper hand! "There is no need to look so smug," Loki said, and warning bells went off in Tony's mind. Before he realised what was happening, there was a finger touching the hollow of his neck and his beautiful shield exploded in a gazillion sparks with, weirdly enough, the faint smell of burnt fuses prickling his nose.
Loki's smirk couldn't be wider, and the smugness that the bastard was throwing at him on purpose was tainting his big Sun's bond-cable light green. "It is not so easy to keep the shield in place when we touch, is it? Now, who do you think can bring their shield back first when I stop touching you?"
"I'd say 'wanna bet?', but that would just be sabotaging myself. I yield, oh master of shields. Not that it matters, given that we'll be going to sleep anyway. You know, while holding hands. I've got a feeling that all shields disappear while we sleep." Loki's silence was answer enough. The next moment the finger was gone and Loki's feelings were behind lock and key.
"Given that we have been touching for a prolonged length of time today, I do not believe we will need contact tonight to be able to sleep restfully." Good news, that. You sure about that, the annoying little voice asked Tony, and he told it to shut up. Of course it was good news. That way he wouldn't end up crawling half on top of Loki during the night and wake up in an embarrassing position the next morning. And still doubt niggled at the back of his mind. What if… What if, if they didn't touch, Loki could keep his shield while sleeping? He hadn't answered his hypothesis earlier, and that might have been because he didn't want Tony to know how shielding was supposed to work during sleep. But as far as Tony could remember, the shield hadn't been up the moment Loki woke up. If touching during the night made the shield disappear, he needed to find a reason for them to hold hands anyway.
"No hand-holding. Well, hooray I guess. Just one question: if we don't touch during the night, at what time tomorrow will we have to start holding hands? 'Cause I don't fancy having to drag you behind me all afternoon if I can help it. Working with two hands is so much easier." Loki remained silent and Tony smirked. "Exactly. Sorry to burst your bubble, honey – or your treasure chest or whatever – but the fight over shielding will happen tomorrow morning." Loki held Tony's gaze, and even in the low light he could see the glint of warning and determination in there. The first one to wake up would have a definite advantage, and they both knew it.
They crept under the covers in silence, and Loki grabbed Tony's hand without being prompted, which felt like a tiny victory on Tony's part. He was also rather satisfied with the odds that awaited him – he had woken up earlier than Loki more than once he was sure, so he had a pretty good chance of grabbing that shield first. He closed his eyes and let his exhaustion claim him.
The light that filtered through his eyelids was tainted orange and too bright for the comforts of sleep that he wanted to sink back into. He'd been in the middle of a very nice dream he was sure. He couldn't remember what it entailed but it was much better than waking up, no doubt. The bed was much more comfortable than anywhere else he could imagine. He scrunched his eyes shut tighter and snuggled up closer to the body he was holding. Hair tickled his nose, which was maybe not that nice, but it smelled good. His left arm was a bit squished, sure, but his right arm was slung over someone's waist and his fingers were interlaced with someone else's, and every cell in his body was telling him this was one hundred percent great. He shifted slightly, his morning wood pressing deliciously against someone's lovely behind. Yep, he was definitely staying right where he was.
Two whole seconds passed before niggling doubt made him fling his eyelids open. Black hair, a blue ear; he was spooning Loki and his erection was touching Loki's arse and if Loki woke up right now… Tony would die of embarrassment right then and there. He couldn't move, barely dared breathe even, and willed his stupid dick to stand the hell down. But his lower abdomen was taut and tingling, blood rushing down and making him only harder, because some treacherous part of his mind was telling him that thinking about his soulmate in that way was actually a good idea and his dick was agreeing with it, the bastard. He needed to get out of here right now, before Loki woke up and realised—
The hand holding his moved imperceptibly and Loki's sleepy side of the bond stirred. Tony flung himself backwards and away from Loki like he'd been burned, struggling with the sheets until he was flat on his back and not touching Loki in any way. He closed his eyes, visualised the bond – quick, hurry! – and threw his shield up – too slow, Stark, why are you so fucking slow – and pinched the thread and held his breath while the overall numbness encompassed him… and stayed… and lifted… He let out a relieved breath when he realised he'd managed to shield before Loki could, and he would have turned to his soulmate whose muddled confusion he could feel and lorded his successful shielding over him, if it weren't for the other little – or not so little, thank you very much – problem that remained.
Before Loki could think of turning towards him and potentially see the slight tenting of the covers, Tony rolled himself out of bed and rushed to the bathroom with a slight limp, and locked the door with a satisfying click. Holy shit, that was close! He didn't dare stopping to concentrate on his shield for even a second, but even though those thoughts weren't fuelling the downward flow of his blood, his stupid dirk refused to stand down on its own. Tony sighed. A cold shower was in order, then. When was the last time he had needed to get rid of an erection that way, instead of indulging himself in a nice wank – or something much better? He wasn't sure he could even remember a time where cold showers had been a thing for him…
Though now that he thought about it… He was in possession of the bond shielding. As long as he kept a firm hold on it, and as long as he was silent enough – let's not forget the super-hearing that made his reinforced walls useless – who said he couldn't get rid of his erection the nice way? By God, he needed a good wank! And who knew, it might even make his mind remember that he preferred women, not male-hermaphrodite aliens, thank you very much.
Tony ripped off his pyjamas, mind made up, and turned the shower on at a nice warm temperature. Time to get rid of the sexual tension that had been building since the day Loki had come down to Earth, made his life had take a wrong turn and threw him head first into Lalaland. He checked his shield; nice and strong. With the water beating down on his shoulders he let his hand wander down his wet chest until his fingers encountered the base of his dick. He slowly wrapped them around his girth, squeezing just a little too hard to be comfortable, and slowly slid them up his length. He twisted his wrist with a jerk when he reached the head, clenching his jaw, eyes shuttered, and breathed heavily though his nose, not a sound escaping his lips.
He imagined the curves of a random woman – said woman had almost taken on Pepper's face, since that had been his go-to fantasy for quite some time, but thinking about Pepper now was just utterly wrong – so he tried to make her faceless, hair dark so that there was no chance they could become strawberry blond, keeping her facial features as vague and blurry as possible. A faceless woman reminded him of his college days when he hadn't yet been able to charm any woman he fancied into his bed.
He imagined that his fingers were replaced by those of Faceless Woman, her fingers long, her nails too, accidentally grazing the sensitive underside of his dick with them, her thumb circling his foreskin and skimming his slit, teasing him with a smirk before lightly gliding down his dick again. Her hand was large, larger than Tony's, strong and self-assured; her hair was long and black; she was breathing in Tony's ear, a warm puff of wind, or maybe a cold breeze; she was tall, pushing Tony against the wall; her skin was both soft and tough and unforgiving; she was strong, stronger than Tony and there was nothing he could do to stop her – not that he would even think of stopping her. Her lips brushed Tony's cheek, sharp teeth nipping at Tony's skin, an emerald iris looking at him full of amusement. His hand was stroking Tony in earnest now; his other hand playing with Tony's balls for a bit before coming up to tweak one of Tony's nipples; his sapphire skin contrasting deliciously with Tony's; the ruby of his eyes obscured by his wide-blown pupils—
Tony's hand stuttered on his dick when the blaring of the red alert went off in his mind – when had his fantasy Faceless Woman turned into his freaking soulmate? He should stop, he should stop right now; but he was getting real close and his hand wouldn't stop their jerking motions and the image in his mind's eye refused to change. His mind was full of Jötunn blue and creamy-white skin both, red and green eyes and long black hair, quirked eyebrows and smirks and a rumbling voice – even imagining a blue dick just as hard as his pressed against his side was the exact opposite of off-putting, and he couldn't seem to be able to reason with himself and put a stop to this.
There were sparks in his mind, sparks all over his skin, and his blood was humming along with the rhythm of his hand – and by God, he hadn't even come yet and this was already the best wank he could remember ever having. His mind was singing, a wildfire lighting up every pleasure-centre in his body; the bond was quivering and chanting along, the thread in his mind a trembling braid of blue and green, his shield too thin and wavering, and he couldn't care less when it popped like a soap bubble. There was lust and delight and sighs of pleasure joined to his, flashes of blue skin that almost felt real, and pure warmth encompassing him, holding him, pushing and pulling him towards the edge, the ghost of another hand joining his. He couldn't hold in a moan when his balls started to contract, and when he came, long streaks of cum flying towards the shower's glass wall, he knew that in their bed, Loki had come at the same time as him.
His trembling thighs suddenly couldn't hold his weight anymore and his slid down the wall, the warm water cascading down his hair and face, dripping over his open mouth as he tried to breathe, sanity still off-line and shocks of pleasure still echoing through him – through him and through the bond. Through him and through Loki. He had wanked thinking of Loki. And he had forgotten about his shield, which meant Loki had felt what he was doing. And for some unfathomable reason, Loki had decided to join him in his self-indulgence instead of trying to tune Tony out, and he had felt Loki come too – and by God, this had been the best wank of his life!
But it had also been the worst, because he had wanked himself to completion together with Loki! With his much too male soulmate! The wrongness and embarrassment and mortification and shame burned him through and through, and he wished he could go hide somewhere and never, ever see his soulmate's face ever again.
Bitterness, self-depreciation and a stab of heart-breaking sadness rose to his throat like bile, and Tony only realised those feelings weren't his when the other side of the bond closed off with the resounding slam of the lid of a wooden chest being shut. The sudden isolation of his mind left him reeling, and he sat under the spray for a long while, incapable of coherent thought. There was only one thing he knew – Loki had taken the mind-shield, Tony was all alone in his rooms, and it was all his own fucking fault.
Soooo. That was that I guess. My Tony is an idiot, but we already knew that. Poor Loks XD But hey, it's still progress! Two steps forward, one step back kind of thing?
Also, we might have a new guest appearing in the next chapter. Who knows, maybe they can help defuse the situation ;)
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