The first Saturday of December. Some people probably know what that means. The day people put up their Christmas tree.

Mom and I aren't even religious. The only time I had been to a church was for a wedding of one of Mom's friends. And, I was young. I didn't necessarily remember it.

I don't know why exactly she faked the whole Santa Claus thing when I was a kid. Maybe just for the fun of it.

Today, Callie was over to help us decorate. Apparently, she and Mom went on a shopping spree yesterday. We didn't have all of the decorations from the house, because we were kind of in a rush, one might say. So Mom only grabbed the things that were 'special' to her. Meaning, we needed almost all new Christmas decorations.

I was a little annoyed, to be honest. I've said a billion times that I really don't like the Holidays. Before this year, I'd never had a good Holiday- AKA a Holiday without an intoxicated father. I guess this year is different- like Halloween and Thanksgiving. I was trying to come around to the idea of enjoying a Holiday. It's a long process- clearly.

"Olive, can you grab the last two bags off my bed?" Mom looked over at me.

I knew I hadn't really been helping much. Oops.

I nodded and headed toward her room. I wasn't in a rush, I walked slowly. When I finally came back out, two bags in hand, I saw Mom putting up a decoration that I recognized.

I didn't feel the joy you're supposed to feel when you see stupid stuffed Santa Claus dolls and Christmas bells.

My throat felt tight.

I put the bags down on the couch, with all the other ones.

"First touch of Christmas! What do you think Olive?" Mom turned to me.

I couldn't respond.

"Are you ok? Olive?" Mom came over to me.

I shook my head a little. I didn't know what was wrong. I felt sick. Like I needed to cry, but I couldn't. I was overwhelmed.

She wrapped her arms tightly around me. "Honey, take a deep breath. What happened?" I could hear the worry in her voice.

I hugged her back, needing the comfort.

"Is she okay?!" I heard Callie ask.

Mom pulled away a little to look at me. "What happened?" She asked again.

I took a shaky breath. I was trying so hard not to cry. "I don't think I want to help decorate." I whispered.

"Why not? Olive, what's wrong?"

"I can't do it." I pulled away. I couldn't do the whole pretend to be happy thing. Not with those stupid decorations that Dad used to throw around the house and yell about. I couldn't just forget about all the bad stuff.

"You can't do what?" Mom tilted her head in worry.

"I don't wanna celebrate Christmas." I mumbled.

"Olivia..."

"Those stupid... decorations."

Mom looked around. I assumed she realized I was talking about our old decorations, because she said "Oh."

I took a deep breath. I still felt off. Panicky, maybe.

"We don't have to use the old ones. Is that what it is?" Mom asked.

I nodded a little bit. Barely noticeable. Mom hugged me tight, again.

"I'm scared." I mumbled, my voice quiet. I knew Callie was right there. For some reason I felt embarrassed.

Mom ran a hand through my hair, "I promise it's ok. You're ok."

There was silence between the two of us, but I heard Callie moving around the room. I looked up, and she was taking down the decoration that caused all of this.

It felt silly. To be so upset over a decoration. I guess it just brought back bad memories. I couldn't explain it. I just... didn't feel right.

"You ok Liv?" Callie offered me a smile when we made eye contact.

I pulled away from Mom, nodding a little.

"I'm gonna get a drink." I whispered. I needed to take a few deep breaths. I had never felt like that before.

So scared... over an object. An object I had forgotten existed until I saw it on the shelf under our TV.

"We got new decorations, too." Callie said when I came back over to them, cup of water in hand. "New memories to make."

Mom smiled at me, "You don't have to help if you don't want to. But, it'll be fun. We'll use the new stuff!"

I set my cup of water on the table. I knew they both really wanted me to help.

"Wanna help?" Mom asked.

"Sure," I nodded.

"Yay!" Mom's smile grew, and Callie smiled too.

"Why don't we start with the Christmas tree?" Callie suggested.

"You bought a Christmas tree?" I looked at Mom.

Mom laughed, "Yeah. We left it in the car yesterday. We all might need to help bring it in though. It's heavy."

"A fake one?" I assumed.

Mom nodded. "Cmon. Let's go."

The three of us managed to get the box inside without dropping it. I think we all felt relieved once we could put it down. It was so heavy.

"Should I play Christmas music?" Mom looked at me, meanwhile Callie started to open the box.

I shook my head a little. Too much.

"Ok... regular music?"

I shrugged.

She smiled, and turned on her favorite playlist. The songs I constantly heard her singing along to and playing.

It took some heavy lifting, and Callie's height was helpful toward the end. But we eventually got the tree up. It was cute, I guess. It was on the shorter side of trees, but still pretty tall. It had white lights that I knew would look pretty in the dark.

Maybe I was coming around to the Christmas thing.

I watched as Mom opened a bag, taking out boxes of ornaments.

"I went for a red and white theme. I thought it would look pretty." She said.

I nodded my agreement.

She handed me a box, "Wanna put those up?"

"Sure." I opened up the box.

The three of us scattered the red and white ornaments around the tree. I felt myself calming down. I knew I could relax around Mom. And, Callie too, really.

This Christmas would be better.