Quick update but I wanted to clarify something. I wasn't specific when I asked if people wanted to see the Jaunedice arc. I didn't mean that we'd have the same 1:1 plot of Cardin blackmailing Jaune with his fake transcripts. As people pointed out, this wouldn't work since Ozpin knows and even leveraged them against Jaune already to be team RWBY's watcher.

Thing is Cardin doesn't need that to attack Jaune. Jaune's a poor fighter and Cardin is a brute, he can just bully Jaune the old fashioned way and he already has motivation. Jaune is the weakest student in class and he was around Yang when she crotch-checked Dove. If you want to be petty you could argue Cardin dislikes him because he's a piss poor Huntsman attached to a team of attractive and powerful Huntresses.

The main humor comes from the fact that Jaune legitimately does not care about Cardin's antics. He's so used to team RWBY's insanity and constantly fearing for his life that the threats barely register. Being shoved into lockers? Cardin isn't chucking fire at him so whatever. He knows he won't die from it.

Cardin steadily goes from cocky and confident to actually worried as Jaune continously fails to react to his antics. Especially since he seems more scared of team RWBY finding out than anything else. I can see there being some laughs from that, at least.

Anyway, this chapter's an Omake. Since people seemed to love Jaune steadily losing his sanity I played into that. It's a tad mean-spirited and the characters are exageratted, but since we're moving on from 'Jaune steadily loses his shit' segments in the main plot I figured this would be okay for now.

Side Note - For those saying they can't see the poll, I dunno what to tell you. I can see it and I'm still getting votes. It won't show up on mobile so try going on the desktop site.

Jaune Arc was a man on a mission. The blonde noodle walked across the hallways with his head held high and his gaze leveled. This was it. He was going to finally do it and no amount of threats, bribes, and honeyed words were going to change his mind.

He was going to quit.

A crack of lightning shot across the sky, as if reacting to his traitorous thoughts. That was impossible, though. As powerful as team RWBY were, they couldn't read minds. He'd be dead already if they could. He shook his head and kept going.

Outside, a storm raged. Gale force winds strong enough to rip trees from the ground battered against Beacon's reinforced walls and the lights overhead flickered ominously as more lightning flashed. It was a storm of the century, the Valean News said, some unknown phenomena that couldn't be explained. Theories ranged from some new type of Grimm, a dust mishap of some sort, or even an Atlas weather machine made by a mad scientist.

They were wrong.

Blake was in a bad mood because Tukson had moved out of town, taking his priceless collection of 'literature' with him. Including the Ninja's Love: Collector's Set Edition that she had spent weeks saving up for. He never actually got it, his supplier undercut him, and when he realized what that meant he was quick to skip town. The consequences were too dire to ignore: a disappointed Blake Belladona.

Tuskon refunded her through an email, of course. Told her that he had family troubles and that he wished her luck. It was a lie. Jaune saw the fear in his eyes when he met him by chance a day before moving. It was the same fear he'd lived with for months.

Another strong gust of wind nearly pushed in the window next to him. Blake was in a really bad mood.

He wanted to say that this was unexpected, that as terrible as it was he trusted her not to act this way normally. He would've been lyring through his freaking teeth.

Living a semester with team RWBY had changed him, and not for the better. He was never the sharpest tool in the shed. Saphron teased him once that he was always so busy looking five feet in front of him that he wouldn't notice the truck barreling to his side. It was the same thing here. He'd been so desperate to get into Beacon that he didn't think about anything else. Then when Ozpin offered him the chance to stay he took it even after seeing what team RWBY was capable of. How bad could it be, he thought, so naive back then. At least he could still accomplish his dream of being a Huntsman, right?

What a fool he was.

He was being dramatic, one might think. So what if Blake summoned a category five storm because she couldn't get her smut? Was he really so disloyal that he wouldn't be there for her for this?

He might've agreed if this wasn't the third time this month it happened.

All of team RWBY had put him through the wringer. The first one was Yang. The other blonde was a literal hothead thanks to her Semblance and getting magic powers only made it worse. Yang loved a good fight. So what, you might think, most Huntsmen and Huntresses did. You couldn't live a life fighting the creatures of darkness and hate without at least enjoying it a bit.

And he might've agreed if she didn't decide to drag him along to an Ursa mating pack. Seeing those bears mount of each other was bad enough; Yang burning the entire cleaning to a crisp put the cherry on that crap sundae. Or crap sunday, Yang said, cause they did it on the weekend.

That was the worst part of the day by far.

Of course he couldn't forget about Blake, who was currently holding Beacon under siege. She was quiet and content to curl up in her own corner, so you'd think she would be simple to deal with. Wrong. The girl was a bread basket of issues. Being a former terrorist that made sense, but it didn't make it any easier when she dragged him along to spy on White Fang meetings that ended with him running away from a pissed off ice cream midget and an Atlas war mech.

And why did she involve him and no one else? Cause 'she couldn't trust the others to be subtle'. He actually laughed at that. Or cried. Maybe both. On the bright side it somehow ended with her zapping her ex-boyfriend, who was apparently a super asshole, so good for her. Not so good for him when he had to explain to General Ironwood why exactly his precious war mech was melted to slag.

Weiss would love to say she was above all that. She came to Beacon to be a Huntress and redeem her family name so acting out wouldn't suit her. That was until Beacon experienced the mother of all heat waves and, to everyone's surprise, Yang wasn't involved somehow. Then the air-conditioning across the entire school broke, which left students to stew in their rooms as the sun slowly baked them.

Weiss just wanted to cool herself off, she said. The heat was killing her and she couldn't take it anymore. The rest of team RWBY (except him, who they of course ignored) had been do desperate for some kind of relief that they agreed to whatever her plan was.

That led to a three day blizzard that Weiss, in her words, 'didn't know how to turn off so stop asking her!'. Turned out freezing to death wasn't much more pleasant than melting.

And then there was Ruby. After everyone else he put all his hopes in her. Sure she took him flying across Vale without any warning, but she did feel bad about that, if only because he puked on her the entire way. She had the best control of her powers too, if only marginally. At the very least he didn't worry that she might kill him by accident or because she dropped her strawberries.

Now he was worried that she was trying to kill him on purpose.

He wasn't imagining it. He wasn't! Ever since the dance when they stood in a corner for the socially awkward she'd been weird. Inviting him out to Vale by themselves, begging him to sneak with her past curfew. It would've been harmless enough if she didn't insist on showing off with her powers. She was just trying to look cool, Yang said. She wanted to impress him.

He would've been more impressed if she didn't insist on using her magic abilities for joyrides. Flying him across Vale was a distressingly common routine nowadays and she'd been 'nice' enough to stock up on motion sickness pills to make sure he wouldn't puke again. She even made plans (read: told him) to come back with her and Yang to patch for the upcoming semester break, smiling so happily about how her dad would love to meet him.

But that wasn't the breaking point. Oh no. He could deal with team RWBY individually. The worst came when their time of the month came.

At the same time.

He'd heard about the myth of synchronization and knew from firsthand experience that it was all hearsay. He wouldn't have survived seven sisters if it was even remotely true. Yet somehow team RWBY broke the odds and, just like their magic, turned fantasy to reality.

That was the most hellish week he'd had in his life. The weather was bad enough - a mix of hurricanes, blizzards, lightning storms, and fire spouts shooting from the ground. Staying in the same room as them was worse. He expected Weiss and Blake to be crabby, or even Yang to start throwing punches. Seeing Ruby Rose shouting out curse words that would make a sailor blush while channeling razor wind into Crescent Rose was enough to give him a heart attack.

And now he was here. It took him a few days to make the preparations. Contacting his family, packing all the essentials, hiring a Bullhead pilot that didn't ask questions. All of it. Now he was ready.

The headmaster was sitting in his office calm as can be and didn't react at all when Jaune slammed the door open. The old bastard smiled pleasantly and sipped at his mug of hot chocolate, "A pleasant morning, Jaune." Jaune just looked at the raging storm clear through the window behind the headmaster's seat, "What brings you here?"

"I quit."

His smile didn't so much as twitch and he hummed in that oh-so-assured way of his, "No, Jaune."

"I don't think you understand, Ozpin. I'm not asking you, I'm telling you. I quit."

He opened his mouth to refuse him again and stopped when he noticed the hardness in Jaune's eyes. His was the look of a man who couldn't be swayed, "I see..." He set the mug down and steepled his hands together, "Well, I'm sure we can come to an understanding. You're a valued member of this school now and-"

"No."

For the first time since he'd known him, Ozpin's smile twitched.

"...Pardon?"

"I said no. I don't care what deals you make or what you'll give me in exchange, the answer is no. I'm quitting."

Ozpin opened his mouth but no words came. Jaune was about to turn around and leave when he finally managed to get words out, "Wait, Jaune, just...think about what you're doing."

"I have."

"No, you haven't." There was an undeniable fear in the normally unflappable man's voice, "I understand that you might be upset-" Jaune almost laughed at that "-but this is an overreaction. Certainly you wouldn't want to do something you - that we would all - regret."

"You can't change my mind."

"Oh, I doubt that." The man stood and smiled but Jaune didn't miss the way the hands holding his cane shook, "You've made your point and I'm not interested in bargaining further. Name your price and I will meet it, no questions asked whether it be Lien, a new weapon, even a guaranteed spot at the Vytal festival. I'm a man of many means, Jaune. Nothing is impossible."

"Okay, here's what I want: me quitting and you putting someone else with team RWBY."

The cane fell as Ozpin realized this wasn't some hardball deal or bargaining tactic. This was the end.

Again he turned to leave when Ozpin shouted for the first time since he'd known him, "Wait, wait!" He rushed past him and stood in front of the door, " Alright, I'll admit that perhaps I haven't been as supportive as I could've been-"

"Or at all."

"-but I see that now, Jaune! I see how valuable you are and how I've taken your assistance for granted. So please, let us talk like rational men about this. Surely there's something that will change your mind."

Jaune let out a frustrated breath. A few months ago even the thought of backtalking Beacon's headmaster would've made him faint. Now he just wanted to shove him out of the way, "Let me make this clear again. There's nothing to talk about. I'm leaving through that door and taking a Bullhead out of this school. I've already made all my plans and I only came here to give you a heads up to go look for someone."

"But...you can't!"

Jaune blinked owlishly, "I definitely can."

"The Bullheads! I'll tell all the pilots to-"

"I hired my own pilot and ship. Bullheads for hire aren't cheap, but it was worth it." He shrugged at Ozpin's gaping look, "Like I said, I prepared."

"T-The storm! You couldn't possibly-"

"I bought Blake the newest book in the Sais of Love trilogy and left it at her desk. Storm should calm down in a few."

"See?! That right there proves you're the best man for this job!" Ozpin staggered forward and grabbed his shoulders with both hands in a vice grip, "You understand team RWBY better than anyone else! You're irreplacable!"

"Only cause I've lived with them for months. Someone else can learn. What about Mercury?"

"The young man is a sociopath!" Jaune didn't point out that Ozpin put said sociopath in a team right across the hall, "Jaune, I am begging you, not as your headmaster, but as a man. Please don't leave."

"No." He shook off Ozpin's hold and made for the door. He was almost out when the the man he once respected screamed desperately.

"Your transcripts! Don't forget your transcripts! I can-"

"Go ahead and tell everyone. Blacklist me from every academy, I don't care. I'm staying home to help with the family business." Being a Huntsman just wasn't for him. It was sad to give up on his dream, but he'd take it if it meant being able to sleep in peace every night.

Ozpin finally realized he was well and truly out of options. The headmaster of the most prestigious Huntsman school in all of Remnant sank to his knees with a look of horror. Jaune shook his head and opened the door. Just before it closed behind him he heard one more uttered sentence.

"You've doomed us all, Jaune."

Seriously? Team RWBY was dangerous, yeah, and he couldn't stand dealing with their antics anymore, but he wasn't some kind of sanity ball. If a faker like him could keep them from going too far why couldn't anyone else?

The storm clouds receded and sunlight broke through the rain. Blake must've found his last gift. He felt bad doing this without saying goodbye to them, but he made his choice. If he told them they'd try to change his mind and Ruby's puppy dog eyes were lethal even after everything she'd done. No, it was better this way. They'd find a someone else, someone better, and he could live his life. Everyone won.

Jaune took a deep breath and smiled. It was the start of a new day.

Being back in Domremy was a relief. His family was all too happy to welcome him back and he didn't even feel bad that they thought he washed out. In a way, he did. He couldn't handle Ozpin's deal and he took his only way out.

The monotony of going back to the family business was actually enjoyable. Waking up to his sisters (sans Saphron) milling around the house at the start of the day, not worrying about having to keep his Aura up just in case people got into arguments. It was so nice. Even having to share his room with his ten year old sister Lily didn't phase him. The worst she could do when she got mad was pout up at him.

A week passed in blissful normalcy. Jaune hummed as he sipped the fresh coffee and prepared some toast. Mom, dad and the rest of the family decided to take a trip to Mistral for some rare grapes and he decided to stay and watch the homefront. They didn't complain and understood that he wanted to spend some more time at home after being away for so long. They were all just happy to have their son and brother back.

He sat at the dinner table and bit into the lightly burned bread. The first day back was hectic, and not just because of the reunions. Team RWBY blew up his scroll with messages and calls asking where he was. He was tempted to ignore them before thinking better of it. No matter what they did they were his friends - his dangerous, reckless, way too scary friends - and they deserved an explanation.

So he told them that something happened and Ozpin expelled him.

...

What? After all those months covering for that guy he deserved a freebie. He also told them that he'd be too busy to take their calls or messages so they probably wouldn't talk much after that day. They still tried, of course. Ruby especially was keen to call and message him all the way to midnight, but he'd always come up with an excuse about work or family stuff to say he was busy.

He did feel bad about that, but again this was for the best. Someone better would replace him and then things could move forward.

His musings on life were cut off when he turned on the TV and saw the news. The words 'BEACON ATTACKED' flashed across the screen and he stood in shock, toast dropping from his hand. Lisa Lavander talked about an attack that left half the campus in ruins. There were no casualties, apparently the campus had been evacuated beforehand, but it would take hours - hours! - for Glynda Goodwitch to fix everything with her stupidly powerful Semblance.

And then his scroll rang.

Jaune jumped at the shrill sound and grabbed the device with shaky hands. It was alright. Probably just someone from team RWBY calling to tell him that they were alright and stopped whoever it was stupid enough to attack a school with four Maidens.

The one at the other end of the video chat was Mercury. Seeing his friend(?) only made him feel worse when he saw the scene. The guy was a wreck with most of his clothes in tatters and covered with a mix of soot and ice. Past him he saw one of the wrecked facilities which burned, forze and crackled all the same time somehow.

"Merc? What's going on?"

"What do you think?" The jab was weak.

"U-Uh, I heard that Beacon was attacked. That-"

"It was more than attacked, Jaune." Another figured trudged to the screen. Ozpin looked even worse than Mercury somehow. It wasn't just the wounds but rather the haunted look in his eyes. It spoke of a man who thought he'd seen everything only to be proven wrong.

"Wh-What do you mean? What's going on?"

"I tried to warn you. I tried to tell you that you were doing something we would all regret and you didn't listen." Mercury and Jaune flinched at the loud scream, "I even tried to cover for you when you threw me under the bus. I held them off for as long as I could, Jaune. For what its worth, I'm sorry."

"What are you talking about?! Start making sense!"

"They're coming."

The call ended on that ominous note. Jaune looked down blankly at the dark screen and jumped when a knock came from the front door, "Open up, Jaune!" A damningly familiar voice chirped. No, it couldn't be. They knew he was heading but they didn't know where it was! He made sure of it!

The knock game again, the bell tolling his doom. Jaune moved towards the door, more out of fear than anything else, and opened it.

Team RWBY stood there, smiles on all their faces, "Jaune!" Ruby tackled him in a hug and yelled happily while the rest of the team watched the 'heartwarming' reunion with a laugh.

He wasn't laughing.

"H-How...?"

"We talked to headmaster Ozpin about your expulsion," Weiss answered, "He refused to tell us the circumstances and said that what's done is done, so the best thing we could do was move on with our lives."

"But we didn't want to." Blake shook her head. Her bow was missing, he noted idly, "You're our friend, Jaune. You've been with us through so much and we didn't want to lose you. So we kept coming back every day to get an explanation."

"He finally told us today about your transcripts, which is just bullshit," Yang said at last, "So what if you faked your way in? You passed Initiation-" He didn't, "and you've been through way more dangerous stuff with us-" because of them, "so who cares how you started out? You earned your place in Beacon."

At any other time he would've found it touching that they, especially Weiss, trusted him even after all that. Any other time. This wasn't that time.

"So...what happened?" He asked numbly.

"We, uh, had a fight with him about it. Kinda got heated." Yang laughed and rubbed the back of her head awkwardly. The news continued to rattle off about Beacon's devastation, "But good news, we came to an agreement and the headmaster said that you can come back to school! Isn't that great?"

What?

"...What?" he barely managed to say.

"Yeah! He said that we made good points and you're a valued member of the school." Ruby beamed up at him, "He even agreed to put you back in team RWBY-J so it'll be just like you never left! Pretty great, huh?"

Just like...he never left?

"Of course you will need to catch up on all the studies you missed." Weiss hummed happily, "Worry not, Jaune, I've taken the liberty to set up a study schedule for us both that will ensure you excel in classes."

"Ooh, don't forget combat training!" Yang bumped her fists together, "I found this whole nest of Deathstalkers! What say you and me go there next weekend, Grimm Slayer?" The other blonde winked.

"I've also heard about some White Fang that busted Adam out of prison. You'll help me track him down, right?" Blake looked up at him, a rare smile on her face.

"Oh, and we still have the semester break coming up!" Ruby cheered, "We can still go to Patch and I'll show you how much better I got with my powers. We can fly all the way there from Vale! It'll be great!"

They all smiled at him, all so relieved to their teammate back. Jaune used every bit of strength he had left in his body to force his mouth to match the gesture.

And then he cried.

Ruby cooed, "Aww, he's so happy he's crying tears of joy! We missed you too, Jaune! I promise, we're gonna stick together and there's nothing that will ever separate us again!"

Jaune continued to cry.

You know, if Jaune's suffering wasn't played for laughs this would be a horror story. Think My Super Ex-Girfriend except you've got four unstable people to deal with instead of just one. Guess it's a good thing this is primarily a comedy fic, huh?

Oh well, at least it won't get this bad in the actual fic now that he's actually making friends with team RWBY.

Anyway, gimme your thoughts on the Jaunedice arc now that I've clarified it up above.

Review Answers:

- Jaune's black hole level dumb. She got her work cut out for her.

MrRayney - Yeah, Port ends up being the beacon of sanity for Jaune despite everything. As is Mercury, weirdly enough. As to Jaune, well, I'd argue he's right to have low self-esteem and be paranoid. He's a faker on a team full of walking nukes.

Calcetin Sock - At least it seems like Mercury and Jaune will have a bromance if not a romance.

ReadYesYes - Jaune gave up this chapter and it didn't turn out well for him. As another reviewer said, short of faking his own death he can't leave team RWBY now. As for Mercury, whether he's a sociopath or not is debatable. Ozpin clearly sees something there or else he wouldn't have let him team up with normal students.

Yang and Jaune being the mom and dad of the group is gonna get awkward if Jaune ends up romancing someone else.

Dethcat - Jaune's getting a fucking gun.

SchizoAss - I don't just post on ff and ao3. I also post on spacebattles and that's where the majority of Survival votes come from. Ditto Yang votes.

MASTER T-REX - If we pick survival then Jaune's just too busy to even think about a relationship, simple as.

DragonTetho - 3 out of 4? Why? The only one who seems to like him that way is Ruby. Yang, Weiss and Blake just treat him as a friend.

Racattack Force - What's getting close? And yeah, Jaune is making friends with them. The last talk with Weiss had him comfortable enough to call her out on her shit.