Hello, Everyone. We are truly sorry it has been taking us so long to update however, on Halloween we celebrated our 4th anniversary. We didn't get an opportunity to work the fic together but today we finally got the chance, away from the stress of high school. Graduating year bites. Hahaha. Anyway, here is the next chapter, as promised it is a Kirsten-Ryan focused chapter as well as Sandy-Ryan bonding. Thank you goes to those who reviewed. Keep it up. Thank you again and Enjoy.
Kirsten laughed as she smacked Seth's shoulder playfully. She liked this. It was moments like this that had made her want to come home. Her boys, Seth and Ryan, who never ceased to make her laugh and her man, Sandy, who never ceased to make her feel like she was the only woman in the world, even after everything that had happened. Post-rehab life wasn't as bad as she thought it was going to be. In fact, it was a lot better. She leaned in and kissed Seth's temple. She sighed and leaned her head against his shoulder. "I love you, Seth." She closed her eyes as she heard him say quietly, "I love you, too, mom."
Sandy knocked, peeping his head cautiously into the pool house. His heart softened as he saw his son, sitting on the edge of his bed, hands supporting his head. Ryan was still a boy. He had never gotten the opportunity to be a child. He had had to deal with his mother's drinking, his father's crimes and his brother's delinquencies. He had never been allowed to play in the front yard with a ball or experience that most difficult transition from childhood to adolescence and from there to adulthood. He had come from being a child to becoming completely responsible for his family, cooking, cleaning, making sure his mother was in bed after becoming drunk, and taking care of the wounds her various boyfriends would inflict on them. Ryan had been forced to grow up, unable to ever express his feelings because it would weaken him and destroy the family. But things were different now; he wasn't the parent in the family. He was the son, allowed to be free to do whatever it was youth did. Ryan looked up into Sandy's eyes. Sandy nodded and shut the door behind him, taking a seat next to Ryan. They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, letting the emotions die down. Ryan was the first to speak, "Is Mo—Kirsten okay?"
Sandy stared at him. Ryan was still unsure about referring to them as his parents. If it was okay for him to do so, if it was okay with them. He didn't want to impose. Ryan saw the look of pain on Sandy's face and his gaze became attracted to his feet.
"Kid, you don't have to—" began Sandy.
"I know but I don't know," interrupted Ryan.
"Kirsten wants to be your mother. She has for such a long time."
"It didn't seem like it when we met," said Ryan.
Sandy laughed aloud as he remembered Kirsten's hostility toward Ryan at the beginning. However, he noticed that right away Kirsten felt something for him. He noticed it in the way she looked at him. There had always been something there for the boy; she just didn't know what it was. She had always found herself being concerned for him. When his mother left, she felt for him. When he had gotten back in to juvenile jail, her heart broke when she had seen the conditions he was living in, she wanted to take him in her arms and bring him home. She never understood as to how she always felt like she needed to protect him. She connected to him in a way she never understood. "She cared about you the moment you met. I know it didn't seem like it but she was insecure. She wanted to protect you from everything when she realized what you had gone through and what you were going through. She just didn't know how this would change Seth and when she realized that you were good for him, she let go of all of that. She was more open to you and she let herself get attached to you. She relates to you, Ryan. She loves you so much, I'm pretty sure it scares her. You remember that day you left for Chino with Theresa? She cried the moment she walked into the pool house. She never wanted to hurt you or to make you feel like you didn't belong here. She loves you, son," said Sandy, putting his arms around. Ryan looked up at him. Son. His eyes met Sandy's and pleaded with his to give him an answer about himself.
Sandy nodded and smiled, "You reminded me of me when I was a kid. Young, misunderstood, and never really had an opportunity to better the situation. And then I met you and my childhood came flooding back to me. I felt connected to you, too. It was odd, all these kids, who just needed someone to guide him or her in the world and you were the one that hit me hardest. I couldn't deny you. I worried about you like there was no tomorrow. I always needed to make sure you were alright. That's why I followed you into your house that day when your mother left your house. There was something about you. You were the young Sandy Cohen." Ryan laughed and Sandy smiled again.
"Thanks."
"You're a man a few words, Ryan," said Sandy, giving him a pat on the back. Ryan nodded again, smiling. Sandy laughed.
They sat in a comfortable silence again, enjoying the company of one another. Sandy was the first to break the silence causing Ryan to laugh. Lawyers really do like to talk. "Honestly, I think it's fate that you came to us. You're such a combination of Kirsten and I, that it's a little scary. You have my past and are so much like the younger me but so much you reminds me of Kirsten, too. Actually, you know what's funny. You're so much like Kirsten, how you never came out of her, I'll never know," said Sandy, staring at Ryan. They were very alike, in more ways than one. They did look similar, blue eyes with random flecks of brown and green. Their eyes changed with whatever they wore, from blue to green to dark turquoise. That was one of the things Sandy loved most about Kirsten. Her eyes. They also had the same smile that warmed up a room and made them look so cute. They had a silent presence that made the world stop spinning and it's problems to disappear. Ryan stared back at Sandy in disbelief.
"Oh dad, that's disgusting!" Ryan suddenly laughed. Sandy was shocked.
"And becoming more and more like Seth everyday," he laughed, shoving his son lightly. Ryan muttered a "That's just wrong," as he shoved him back. The boys lightly play fought as Kirsten walked up to the door of the pool house. She paused listening to the laughter before her. She quietly opened the door and peered in. She smiled as tears began to fill up in her eyes again. She cleared her throat, hating that she was interrupting such a moment but she was dying to speak to Ryan. She just wanted to know how he felt.
Ryan and Sandy looked up. Sandy had somehow managed to get Ryan in a headlock. Kirsten laughed aloud at the sight in front of them and shook her head, whispering, "Boys."
Sandy looked into Kirsten's eyes and nodded. She needed this; to know where she stood with him and how he felt about everything. She had already had the talk with one of her sons. She just needed to make sure he was okay, with everything.
Sandy kissed Ryan's temple and gave him a loving pat on the back as he walked over to his wife and kissed her gently, but not lingering. "Hey, Kirsten," sighed Ryan. A shot through the heart. A pained looked was painted across Kirsten's porcelain face. Sandy took one last glance at Kirsten and Ryan before stepping out. He'll figure it out for himself, then.
She took a seat on the bed, her back against the pillows. She motioned for him to join her. He sat next to her uncomfortably. He knew he had hurt her when he called her "Kirsten" but he didn't know what else to do. He just wasn't sure about her yet. Neither of them spoke, each trying to figure out where to start. Kirsten longed to ask him why he had reverted back to referring to her as "Kirsten" and he longed to ask her where they stood. Ryan was the first to speak, shocking Kirsten. He had never been a boy of many words. He was changing. "I'm sorry."
"Why?"
"For earlier. I didn't mean to impose or assume that I could call you that without talking to you about it first. I know you were just trying to be polite and with Dawn being there and everything. You just didn't want her to think that she was above you and everything. And I'm just sorry," blurted Ryan, staring at the edge of the bed. Kirsten was hurt.
"How could you?" she asked, attempting to hide the lump in her throat.
"What?" he asked, looking at her. So it's true. You don't want me as your son.
"How could you think that I'm that woman? I told you. You weren't imposing. You were right to assume me your mother. Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that?" began Kirsten.
"I…" he interrupted.
"No. Let me finish. It hurts me to think that you need permission to tell people how you feel or what you think but, baby, you need to realize that you're part of this family. You can't assume that I won't accept you calling me your mother or that it's imposing on this family because when we took you in to live with us, we were inviting you to be a part of it. It's been years, Ryan. I know I haven't said it much but I do love you and it hurts sometimes to know that you feel as if you don't belong or as if I don't love you. I wasn't trying to be polite in there. And I think that's what hurts me most. That you don't know me well enough to realize that I meant every word. To say that I was just trying to be polite makes me see that I haven't let you in enough. You don't know me enough and I don't know maybe that's my fault. But I would never, Ryan, never lie about my feelings just to be polite. It isn't me. I'm not heartless, Ryan. And I think what's worse is that you think that I'm trying to prove something to Dawn. I'm not even close to being that kind of woman, who thinks of beating out the other mothers, that I'm somehow better than she is, that I'm winning some sort of battle. I know she isn't the best person but I thank God everyday that she came into our lives," she took a breath, looking at Ryan, who had a puzzled look on his face. She hoped she was getting through to him. She needed him to understand that what she felt was genuine and that she wanted him to be her son so much that it hurt.
"You do?"
"Of course. Had it not been for her, I wouldn't have had you. I know that under the circumstances, it wasn't the best situation but in that dark cloud, her leaving you here was the silver lining. That's why I fought so hard in there. I couldn't lose you. Not again. When you left for Chino and I thought Seth was upstairs, I felt as if I had lost a part of me. Already, I considered you mine and you willingly left me. I had never been so broken hearted until Seth left and then it was like I wasn't whole anymore. There was only Sandy left and we didn't know how you two were or what you were doing or if you were alright," Kirsten's voice cracked as she choked on her tears, remembering that last dreadful summer. Ryan shifted closer to her, putting an arm around her.
"I'm so sorry for what I put you through."
She shook her head, "No. Don't be. You made me realize how much you really meant to me. I had had an idea of how much beforehand but it never really struck me until that day. Ryan. You can't simply assume that we don't care about you because biologically you aren't ours. I know that the saying goes 'Blood is thicker than water' but sweetie, in this case that doesn't matter. Whether or not I gave birth to you doesn't change how much I love you or whether or not you're my son." Kirsten looked into his eyes as she began to cry freely, gently sobbing as she tried to speak again. She took his face in her hands and forced him to look at her again, "Ryan. Baby, I love you so much and I'm so sorry for what I put you through. I didn't mean to make you live through another drunken nightmare. I'm sorry, Ryan. I love you." Her words were slurred between her sobs. She broke down completely as he allowed her to bury her face in his neck, her hand clutching at his shoulder. He wrapped his other arm around her, rubbing her arms gently. He felt his heart break as he held her. A tear found its way to his cheek. His first tear since he was a child. This shocked him. No one had ever made him cry and now holding her in his arms made him feel broken, knowing that she hurt so much. It was his turn to speak.
"Mom, you don't have to be sorry. Listen to me. I don't blame you. For anything. You saved me when I was lost. My mother abandoned me and you took me in. Dad told me how you had felt and why you were so hostile toward me. He told me you felt connected to me and that you felt as if you always needed to protect me and never truly understood why. You gave me everything. What happened to you was hard, yes, but you fixed it. You tried to change for our sake, mom. You did something she never did or attempted to do. When I first met you, I was jealous of what Seth had. You care so deeply about him, that's all I ever wanted and you gave me that. You gave me more than you could imagine. I'm sorry for leaving you that summer and for putting you through that but it made me realize how much I really cared for everyone and whom I really wanted to be with. I was miserable in Chino. I was far away from the home I had grown to love. When Dad came to see me I secretly hoped he was asking me to come home. I don't know, Kirsten, I just don't know where we stand on anything. Or what we are. I just…" Ryan was randomly, going back and forth between calling her Mom and calling her Kirsten. He was confused and he needed answers.
Kirsten's sobs subsided, allowing her to look into his eyes. She noticed the stray tear rolling down his cheek and rubbed it away with her thumb. "We will stand where you want to stand and we will be whatever you want us to be. You just need to tell me because listening to you, you can't seem to decide what to call me anymore. You just need to decide. You know how I feel. It's up to you. I will do whatever you want, Ryan. I just want you to be happy," she whispered, secretly praying they wanted the same thing. It would break her heart if he wanted to remain Kirsten and Ryan and not mother and son.
He remained pensive for a moment. I want you to be my mother. I want to be your son. "I… love you, mom." Kirsten cried tears of joy as she hugged him tightly. Her head was buried in his shoulder as she cried. It was official. He was her son and she was his mother. Whether or not Dawn or his father would return, nothing was going to change that. They pulled away smiling. She kissed his forehead and let him rest his head against her stomach, his arm draped around her middle. They lay in silence happily, as she stroked his hair gently. They finally shared a comfortable silence, where there was no tension, just sheer happiness. Eventually they fell asleep. Ryan had shifted back upwards. Kirsten lay on her side, with Ryan right behind her, his arm wrapped around her protectively.