Hey, everyone. Thanks for the reviews. We do realize that it was a little uncharacteristic of Kirsten to expose everything about her relationship, however, we needed that movement and change in her, in order for the future events to seem a little more normal. She's going to be going through many changes and she is going to make several decisions that seem almost impossible for her to do. But she is Kirsten Cohen. P We are sooooo sorry for the wait. We had some computer troubles and were unable to get the chapter that we had originally written up. We tried to get it back up from scratch and this is what we ended up with. We apologize again. We do have several chapters that we are going to post up very soon. There's a Christmukkah chapter that should be up in about four chapters, which we realize is very behind schedule, considering Christmukkah was two days ago. We apologize again and we hope you enjoy. Read and Review please.
Chapter 10: The Broken Hearted
"It's 'The Lion King' I thought we could watch the two movies before we talked. I just think that maybe we should relax before getting into it. It's going to be a long night, Sandy. There are many things we need to say to each other and I don't think it's going to be easy. I think we need to have a few laughs and a good cry first," said Kirsten, lightly, snuggling next to him. He put his arm around her as she put her head on his chest, "And no teasing," she finished.
Sandy laughed, kissing the top of his wife's head. She was right; it was going to be a long night.
Kirsten looks deep into his eyes. She swore she could see his honest soul. She smiles at him, her eyes flashing with passion. She reaches out to him as he smiles back at her.
"Sandy?"
Sandy nods as his eyes shut briefly. She watches him as he turns on his heel and begins to walk away.
"Baby, wait for me!"
She tries to follow him but a hand grabs hers, forcing her to stop. She feels her arm grow warm under the person's touch. She revels in it for a moment as she realizes that Sandy is getting further and further away from her. She turns to the person, wanting to ask to be let go of. She meets a pair of humble eyes, dancing with admiration.
"Carter?"
Kirsten smiles at him before turning back to look at Sandy. He looks at the pair, defeated. She gazes at him questioningly as a smile slowly creeps onto his face.
"Sandy."
She tries to break free of Carter's grasp on her hand but she can't. He moves to a closer position behind her, his arms creeping around her slender waist. She struggles again, unable to cast off the man clutched desperately to her. She looks up.
"Sandy, wait. What are—"
Sandy is no longer alone. On his arm is Rebecca Bloom. Love of his life. Horror is painted upon Kirsten's face. Tears begin to well in her eyes as she realizes that Carter's hold on her is relentless. Rebecca's hold on Sandy is just as tight.
Rebecca smiles as a hand reaches up to cup Sandy's face.
"Sandy!"
Rebecca leans forward. Kirsten breaks free of Carter's grasp and begins to run toward them.
"Please!"
Sandy leans to meet her. Carter runs after Kirsten.
"Stop!"
Sandy's lips are barely inches away from Rebecca.
"Kirsten," says Carter.
Rebecca looks at her from the corner of her eye.
"Sandy. Please. I love you," says Kirsten.
Sandy glances at her.
"Kirsten," says Rebecca, firmly.
"Don't make me lose you."
Sandy finally speaks, "KIRSTEN!"
"Kirsten!"
"Sandy! Don't make me lose you!" she cried as Sandy wrapped his arms tightly around her small shaking form. Her breathing was erratic as he whispered to her.
"Shhh… baby, I'm right here. It's okay. Shhh… just calm down. Take a few breaths, huh. What's wrong?"
Kirsten relished in the feeling Sandy gave her but was disappointed in it. She felt his warmth and caring. She did not feel the security. She had almost lost him so many times that she was beginning to doubt whether or not they were supposed to be together. This had always scared her. Kirsten and Sandy sat in a tension filled silence. She didn't know how she was going to ask him for it. She didn't know if she could. "Why do I keep almost losing you, Sandy?" she said, finally. Her voice was barely audible but he heard her. He just couldn't believe she was thinking that.
"What?"
"Rachel. Rebecca."
"Kirsten, listen to me. You have never almost lost me. You have never and will never come close to losing me. I would never leave you," said Sandy, forcing her to look into his eyes. She looked up, her blue eyes meeting his darker ones, pleading with hers.
"Tell me the truth, then Sandy. Don't keep anything from me," she begged, quietly.
Sandy nodded. He knew what it was about. They had never fully dealt with the events of the last year. Rebecca. Carter. He was still unsure about what had happened between them but he knew there was something. Something about that man made Kirsten uneasy about her relationship. He had asked if it was an affair and Kirsten had dismissed him immediately.
His thoughts were interrupted by Kirsten's voice, prying into his head, "Tell me how it's possible that my family is falling apart."
"Kirsten, we're not falling apart. Families, they have problems, we just have to get through ours," he said, reassuringly putting a hand on her knee. Things had changed. Kirsten felt goose bumps form upon her skin. But not every thing.
"People just keep popping in and out of this family, leaving messes within everyone, every time. That is more than a problem, Sandy," said Kirsten, staring at him, "Take a look at Jimmy and Rachel and Rebecca and Carter."
"That's personal, they're not part of the family," replied Sandy, his eyes pleading with hers.
"Really? Because it seems that, we let them into our lives. We let them live in us and we can't let go," sighed Kirsten, getting up and walking to the kitchen. She rubbed the sleep from her eyes as she began to make coffee.
"Then we should talk about it. Let them go because, Kirsten, we need to get past this. All of it," said Sandy, running his hand through his hair.
"Its been years and you still chose her over me, Sandy," began Kirsten. Sandy shook his head as he got up to join her.
"Look, let's just take this one at a time. Please."
"Dammit, Sandy I'm sick of trying to take everything so cautiously. Let's just do this, okay? I don't want tension. I don't want to cry anymore. I'm done crying about this," said Kirsten, suddenly, her anger surprising her. She just wanted it to end. She didn't want the hurt to consume her anymore. She didn't want the pain. She didn't want the lies. She just wanted closure.
"You don't mean—" began Sandy. He refused to allow his thoughts to wander. He refused to think she was going to ask him for a divorce. Her voice had been harsher than he had ever heard it, her eyes glazed in a confusion he had never seen. She had changed. She was different. Braver somehow. She knew what she wanted. She had made up her mind.
"Don't be ridiculous,"said Kirsten, reading his mind and dismissing his thoughts," we're going to talk about this, and we'll decide at the end of the night. We need to. For our sakes. I know I'm not being the nicest person right now but we need to be frank here. I don't want secrets or anything held back."
"I know," said Sandy, grabbing two cups from the cupboard.
"Then stop being so damn quiet and tell me everything," said Kirsten, her voice betraying her. She had wanted to sound angry but instead she was pleading with him, begging him to trust her and tell her that nothing happened. That she was the only one for him. Not Rebecca.
"Kirsten, she and I were over, over 20 years ago. When Max came to ask me to find her, I couldn't say no. The man was like a father to me. Moreover, when Rebecca was found, I don't know, I felt like I needed to try to protect her, save her again," blurted Sandy. He didn't want to make her feel as if there was something going on but she wanted truth. He only wanted to give her what she wanted.
"You wanted to be there for her?" concluded Kirsten. She appreciated his honesty. She, however, hated what he was saying. She hated knowing he wanted to protect another woman. Save another woman. Not her.
"Yes. Kirsten, I'm sorry. Her return sparked all the memories to come flooding back to me… I just wanted some closure with her," explained Sandy.
"And you what? Wanted away from me?" she blurted, suddenly. Her fears were catching up to her.
"No. I never wanted that," defended Sandy. The conclusions she was jumping to scared him.
"You couldn't be with her and me at the same time and you chose her whenever possible, are you aware of that?"
"Kirsten…"
"I'm sorry. Go on."
"Max died and I used it as an excuse. I know that. I spent time with her. I didn't want her to leave again. I was comforted by her—"
"—you love her," interrupted Kirsten, staring at the floor. She helped herself to coffee, hoping the bitter liquid would ease her nerves. It didn't.
"No. That night I came back by bus, she had propositioned me but I couldn't do it. Not to you. I didn't want her. I missed you. So, I called you and you told me to come back to you. So I did. I realized that I never wanted her. I only wanted you, Kirsten. Only you. You were always in my mind and in my heart, baby. You. We were driving back to Newport and we ended up in a ditch. She ran. Fled, Kirsten. She left to protect herself. I don't know what she wanted from me, anymore. She was turning to the past and for a moment, so was I. There's a reason why she came back, Kirsten. I realized that I love only you," said Sandy, taking her hands in his.
"You needed someone else to reassure you of your feelings for me? She was in love with you, Sandy! Don't tell me that that doesn't complicate things! I don't care about why she left. I don't care about what she thinks. I don't care about her, Sandy. I cared about us and apparently, you needed her to sort out your feelings about us," said Kirsten, pulling her hand away from her and throwing them up in defeat. She turned from him, frustrated at his confession. She never realized how he felt about her. About their love.
"I was… I am in love with you. I came back to you and I realized that I needed you. Only you. Rebecca, she's my past. You're everything to me, Kirsten. I didn't need her to sort anything out. Kirsten, I swear to you, she only reinforced my feelings for you. I don't need her. Baby, listen to me, nothing happened between us. We kissed. That's it but I didn't need her. I care too much about us." Sandy wrapped his arms around Kirsten, burying his face in her shoulder. He didn't care that her back was to him. He just needed to hold her. He needed her to understand that. She couldn't move. She had to admit, she needed him too. But how much? She felt tears sting her eyes as she digested what he had said. We kissed.
"You kissed her?" asked Kirsten, suddenly. Sandy's eyes snapped open. He had relished in knowing that she hadn't left him. That his words still influenced her. He, however, had forgotten his confession. He had kissed Rebecca.
"I know. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, baby," whispered Sandy, quietly into her shoulder.
"Why? Sandy? Just answer me that. Why was she was more important to you than me? Why every time you left me to be with her." Kirsten took a deep breath. It was happening. Everything was being exposed. Feelings that had been cast aside were resurfacing. Thoughts that hadn't been expressed were being verbalized. Kirsten realized the inevitable. The way things were going, it was going to happen. She had no choice. They needed to do it. There was no way out.
"She was never more important to me than you. Never. It was a part of my past that I needed to face again. I never meant to leave you. Or to make you doubt my feelings for you." He turned her around in his arms, his eyes pleading desperately with hers. Please.
"I want to believe you but a part of me can't." I'm sorry, Sandy. She looks at him, the tears threatening to escape. She felt the lump in her throat get bigger, almost painful. She walked away from him, turning her back to him and walking toward the glass door. She looked out at the sky. It's darkness creeping into her.
"Baby, believe me we belong together," he followed her to the door, putting an arm around her waist. He was trying to reassure her. She shook him off gently. She didn't need this. Not anymore. Not when his words were contrasting with his previous actions.
"Then tell me how its possible that someone from your past comes back and its like we don't exist anymore. Tell me that. Tell me how its possible that you forgot our anniversary and Rebecca was nowhere near us. Tell me that we're supposed to be together despite everything that's happened. Prove it to me, Sandy, because I don't know how to believe in anything anymore," cried Kirsten. Her voice cracked slightly as a tear fell onto her cheek. She was beyond upset. She was crushed.
Sandy took her face in his hands, staring deeply into her eyes. She felt her heart melt. Deny as she tried, he still knew how to make her go weak in the knees. He leaned in slowly, touching his lips to hers. He frowned slightly into her lips when he didn't feel her respond. He felt her take a deep breath as she reciprocated the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck, deepening the kiss. She kissed him with urgency. He would be hard to forget. They broke away, breathless. "Because I love you. I believe in you and me. I believe in the Sandy and Kirsten that have existed for over twenty years. I love you."
"You abandoned me," said Kirsten, sadly, dropping her gaze to the floor.
"I'm sorry. Please. I'm sorry."
"Do you ever wonder why I turned to Carter? Hmmm? He was my surrogate you, Sandy. He was funny and smart and talented and passionate. He reminded me of you except he was there and you weren't. When the boys left there was a rift between us. And then Rebecca came and it just got bigger everyday. Carter walked into my life and it was like there was someone who wanted me again. Someone wanted to be around me, with me. I drank away my pain for you, Sandy. I didn't want to hurt anymore so I drank with him so that we didn't have to hurt anymore. And then he told me he was leaving. I felt broken all over again. I didn't understand why everyone who cared about me, left me. So, I invited him to dinner. Here. So that I could see where I stood with him. He kissed me. I kissed him and I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him to stay. I didn't want to give him reason to stay because floating in he back of my mind was you. I couldn't have an affair with him. All my thoughts somehow drifted to you because I loved you. I didn't want to betray you because I wanted us to work. I loved you so much that it hurt me all over again. When he left, I felt empty again. There was no one for me again so I tried to numb it. I tried to numb that pain so I didn't have to feel anymore. Being passed out or out of my mind was better than having to deal with the fact that I was alone, again," blurted Kirsten. The tears flowed freely as she confronted all her hidden feelings. She had never told anyone why she "crushed" Carter. Why he was so important to her. Julie was given a vague idea. Sandy was given the truth. It wasn't pretty.
"I'm sorry I left you and that you had to feel that way. Kirsten, all I wanted was closure with her. I never meant to make it seem like I was choosing her over you. We were finally back to someplace normal when she came back. I never meant to ruin it. I never meant to hurt you. I kept turning to her because she needed me and you didn't," replied Sandy. His feelings were hurt at some point, too. Even if it didn't justify his actions, he had to be taken into account.
"How can you say I didn't need you!" exclaimed Kirsten, wiping the tears from her face, angrily
"You shut me away all summer!" defended Sandy. Their voices growing louder. Their emotions were taking their toll on them. Their pent up aggression, pain was bursting at the seams.
"I never meant to. I just wanted them home! Why can't you understand that?"
"I never meant to go to her or to choose her because I will always choose you! It has always been you, Kirsten! It will always be you! You need to understand that!"
"How can I be sure of that? I gave you opportunities to do that and you went to her every time. It crushes me, Sandy," said Kirsten, her voice softening.
"I don't know what to do to make you see that I love you and that I never meant for any of this to happen. What do you want Kirsten? I'll do anything just to make you see that we're meant to be together. Tell me what you want. I'll give it to you," said Sandy, his eyes beginning to fill with tears. He felt her hesitation. Her tension. Her decision. For years, they had been able to understand what the other was thinking. This had been disrupted by their lies, distrust, and hurt. Their groove was back. He could tell what she was thinking. He just didn't want to believe it.
"I want closure." And there it was. She had done it.
"What? You don't mean you want a divorce. Not because of this. We've been through so much, we can't give up now. Kirsten, baby, please," begged Sandy, taking her hands in his.
"Look how easy it was for them to come in a ruin everything. Twenty years of marriage and they walk in for a few months and it shatters," said Kirsten, a soft sob escaping her lips. She couldn't contain herself much longer. She hated what she was putting him through. Her pain and his was overwhelming her as tears fell continuously onto her flushed cheek.
"So you do want a divorce. Kirsten, please, don't…" Sandy's head dropped slowly, a tear rolling down his cheek.
"I don't want a divorce but maybe we need to take a step back." Her tone was reassuring but still so full of doubt that it confused him. He didn't know what she wanted anymore. He couldn't understand how it had gotten this far.
"You want a separation?"
"Maybe we need time apart to see if what we had is still there and if we still want the same things…" began Kirsten, wiping the tears from her cheeks.
"I just want to be with you Kirsten."
"Please, Sandy," said Kirsten softly. Her eyes pleaded with him as she saw him sigh in defeat. He could never resist her requests. Even if it destroyed him inside. She was the voice in his head. She was right, something had changed between them. Her every wish had been his command and that hadn't been the case for a while. She silently asked him on several occasions to stay with her and he had always turned to Rebecca.
"For how long?"
"For however long we need to figure this out."
"And Seth? And Ryan?"
"Let's not tell them anything for now. They don't need to know quite yet. Not until we're sure about what's going on between us. I don't want to upset them. They've been through enough this year. This summer, alone. It's not fair to them."
"Not fair to them! What about me, Kirsten? What about last night? What was that to you? What about the day you came back? All those times we were together. Laughing and kissing like we used to. What about when we made love? What about that, Kirsten? Didn't that mean anything! I thought we were back on common ground. You called me in the middle of the day to tell me you loved me. You made me feel like everything was forgiven. That nothing was going to try to break us again. Kirsten, answer me!" cried Sandy, his voice raising, several tears falling loose. Kirsten had fallen silent, unable to look at him through the glazed eyes. She blinked as his hands gripped her arms, forcing her to look at him.
"I needed to know how you felt, Sandy! I needed to know how I felt! Just let this be! Let it happen! If we're meant to be together, then we'll find a way back to each other!" said Kirsten, loudly, her cries muffled through the lump in her throat.
"Kirsten, why are you doing this?" asked Sandy, softly.
"Because I don't know if you and I work anymore! I don't know, Sandy. When I came back, it was like things were back to normal again. We laughed and kissed and I missed you. Last night was everything to me Sandy. It was, I swear it. But one night doesn't change months of waiting and wondering and hurt. It doesn't. I wish it did. But it doesn't. Nothing can change that you and I wanted other people. That we almost weren't loyal to each other. Sandy. We both need to figure this out. What we want and what we need. I love you, Sandy. I really do. We just both need this to figure things out. If we still want the same things. If we still want each other. Dammit, Sandy, just… please," yelled Kirsten, her voice softening at toward he end as her body was racked with sobs. She began to shake as Sandy took her into his arms.
She wept into him as he rubbed her back. "Okay," he whispered, "okay." They held each other close as they cried together. Afraid of being apart. Still in love.