A huge thanks goes to Em, for helping us with this chapter. You're brilliant:D We are so sorry for taking so incredibly long but she's been sick lately and hasn't really had the time to do anything. She then had to get caught up at school. So, again, we apologize. Okay, well for certain purposes, we will assume that Ryan does have Sandy's punching bag in the pool house already. Just because we need a little aggression on Ryan's part. It seems like Ryan's getting a little soft. Comments? Suggestions? Feel free to contact us. We like getting to know our fellow Kandy fans. Ah, yes, Read, and Review please. :D
He stood on the pier; looking down at them, fear in his eyes. This couldn't be happening. He couldn't be seeing what he had been seeing. His mother couldn't have been giggling and flirting with another man… not while her husband was barely feet away. His father couldn't have been protecting and flirting with another woman… not while his wife was barely feet away. He had thought he had been seeing things. He wasn't seeing things. He noticed his parents beginning to gather their belongings separately. Even apart, they did things simultaneously.
He took one last glance before gripping the wood beneath his fingertips roughly. He was going to find out what the hell was going on. He didn't want there to be secrets and lies. Those always only destroyed relationships. He couldn't face that again. Were they lying about being a family?
He clambered onto his bicycle, his head riddled with questions. He'd beat his parents to the house. He'd be there waiting. He pedaled quickly to the house. He'd face them. Confront them. He had to be jumping to conclusions. Ryan simply had to be or else his family was falling apart.
Ryan sat in the kitchen, nursing a cup of coffee in his hands. Waiting. He stared at the black liquid before him, pausing to listen to the sound of the front door opening. The familiar sound of her footsteps ringing through the house. The sound of her keys and purse being laid onto the table. The scent of her perfume already becoming known to the house's inhabitants. Kirsten was home.
"Mom, is that you?" asked Ryan, staring once again at his coffee.
"Uh, yeah, Ryan, honey, I'm in the family room," replied Kirsten from the other room. She had just walked into the family room. She found it odd that Ryan was looking for her. The intonation of his voice was different somehow. Scared but so full of determination that it scared her a little bit.
Ryan downed the last bit of the bitter liquid before depositing it in the sink and making his way toward Kirsten. He would get his answers now. "So, what'd you do today?"
"Uh, I was on the beach for most of the day," she began, flipping nonchalantly through a small stack of Welcome Home cards from Taryn, Veronica and other random Newpsies.
"…With another man," finished Ryan. Kirsten stopped looking at the cards. Her eyes transfixed at Ryan. His eyes blazing with a fear and anger that surmounted his usual looks of passion and youth. He knew.
"Ryan…" she began. She looked nervously around the room. Shit.
"Look I saw you, mom. In your bikini and wetsuit, flirting and laughing with a man who sure as hell wasn't dad," said Ryan, bluntly.
Kirsten looked for a way out. What was she supposed to say? Ryan, you don't know what you're talking about? She took a deep breath and put down the cards she had been holding. "Ryan, I'm so sorry you had to see that but you don't understand." She turned away from him as she sought a way to explain to her son what she had been doing with Mark.
"What's not to understand? You. Another man. I can put two and two together. I just can't believe you. After everything that you said to me, about this family staying together. You said this was my chance at a normal family. You said that nothing was going to happen. Nothing would go wrong. That I was getting a second chance at stability and that you weren't going to let me down or anything anymore. You didn't let me down before, mom. You're letting me down now,"
Kirsten's eyes welled with tears as his words stung her. He was right, she was hurting them all over again. She turned to face him, walking toward him briskly and running her hands over his arms before taking his hands in hers, "Baby, listen to me… it's not what you think."
Ryan looked down at their hands before staring her straight in the eye, "Then explain it to me. Because I don't get why you'd do this to me, to Dad."
"Ryan…" said Kirsten, reluctantly.
"Please?" he begged. His voice betrayed him as he meant to sound stronger and more forceful. His voice reflected his innocence and concern, his boyish and usually hidden characteristic.
Kirsten nodded, "You can't tell, Seth. Not until we're ready to tell him."
"Mom, you're scaring me," said Ryan, shakily.
Kirsten took in a deep breath, lifting one hand to cup his cheek. "Your father and I…" she began.
"…are separated," finished a deep voice from behind them. Sandy stood, leaning against the frame of the door, running a hand through his hair.
Ryan stood, frozen. His eyes wide, he swallowed the lump in his throat. Had he heard right? The Sandy and Kirsten. Separated? "What?" he asked, the disbelief in his voice evident.
"Yeah, what!" said a voice from the other doorway.
Kirsten cursed under her breath as she recognized the voice. "Seth," she whispered softly before turning around.
Sandy walked over to Kirsten, touching the small of her back. Her eyes closed as she relished at the soft gesture. She missed him so much already it hurt. She needed to stick this through though. She needed him to sort out his feelings for her. She needed to do the same. Over twenty years of lingering touches, soft caresses, and sweet kisses were hard to forget and now, she had to try to live without them for the time being. "Sit down, son. Both of you," he said, motioning for them to sit down. The family sat down, the youth sitting away from the parents.
"Look, we didn't want to have to tell you unless we were sure about what was going on between us," began Kirsten, softly.
"Are you getting a divorce?" asked Seth, plainly, staring at the ground and playing with his thumbs.
"Of course not," said Kirsten, quickly. Divorce had never crossed her mind. It was just a separation. They were going to get back together. This was a simple test that they were going to pass. There's a reason why we're together.
"How can you give them a definite answer, Kirsten?" asked Sandy, taken back. He looked her straight in the eye. I had that suspicion. She blinked at him, taking in the plain suggestion. Divorce was a possibility if things didn't get back on track. If they failed the test, she forced them to take. She would no longer be Kirsten Cohen. She didn't know who she'd be.
"Sandy…"
"For now, no. We're on a trial separation," interrupted Sandy.
Seth and Ryan looked at each other fearfully before each turning their gaze to their parents and then the floor. How could this be happening? What had become of Sandy and Kirsten, moral center of the universe? The infamous Cohens. The epitome of love. Broken?
"God," whispered Ryan, cradling his head in his hands.
Seth shook his head slowly at first, then becoming more aggressive. He stood up, breathing heavily, his hands balled into fists, his knuckles turning white. His voice first came out in a bare whisper, growing into a full yell, "No. No. Do you hear me? No!"
"Seth," said Kirsten, staring at her son. He was never one to yell. Kirsten stood up, slowly taking a step toward him, motioning slightly to take him into her arms.
"Don't. Don't you dare. It's your fault. You left us!" spat Seth, backing himself against the sofa. Seth shook his head again and put up his hand motioning for her to stay away from him. Kirsten looked at him, hurt, tears forming in her eyes. Oh, God. She sat down, rubbing her upper arm nervously. He hates me. My own son. Hates me. Kirsten glanced around, nervously. Something was familiar about this conversation.
"Don't speak to your mother that way," said Sandy, standing up suddenly.
"No. Sandy, let him speak. I want to hear this," said Kirsten, taking Sandy's hand and pulling him back down onto the couch. She squeezed his hand as she held her breath for what Seth was going to say.
"Oh you do, do you? You did this. You pushed dad away all year. And then you got a little problem. You became an alcoholic. You drank and drank and you then left. You left us for two months because you couldn't control yourself. You were the rock of this family, mom. When you left, the house fell apart. You caused all of this. And now, now you have the nerve to go off and cheat on my father. Your husband. You're the cause of everything," spat Seth. Ryan pulled him back down onto the couch and gave him a warning glare. Seth opened his mouth to protest but recognizing the look, closed it immediately. Ryan always knew how to convey a message with only a look. Back off.
"You've got it all wrong, Seth," said Kirsten, shaking her head gently. She fought with herself, trying to make her sound stronger, less pained, not on the verge of tears. The seeming hatred from Seth to herself, felt too familiar. It was beginning to scare her. I am a good mother! I know I am not the perfect Carol Brady mom but I love you. I gave you everything you ever wanted!
"Do I? Do I really, mom?" asked Seth, bitter.
"You do. She's not cheating on me. We're separated. We want to see other people to see if we have something left to save between us. Don't blame your mother for any of this. This was our choice, son. Your mother's and mine. I know you don't mean what's coming out of your mouth. You're just upset and that's natural but, son, don't take it out on your mother. She loves you," responded Sandy, taking Kirsten's hand in his own and rubbing it soothingly. He could sense her pain. Holding her hand was all he could do to try to ease it, just a little.
Ryan rolled his eyes, discreetly as he listened to his father. Always the lawyer. It was beginning to sound, to Ryan as though everything had been Kirsten's doing. It sounded condescending, knowing, superior. As this rung through his head, Ryan was shaking his head lightly. This wasn't only Kirsten's business. It was Sandy's too. "Oh don't you start with that condescending bullshit," said Ryan, suddenly.
"What?" asked Sandy, forgetting for a moment, Ryan's use of inappropriate language.
"Don't act like you've done nothing wrong and that this is all about her," said Ryan, coldly. Kirsten looked up at him through watery eyes, realizing that Ryan had seen it all. Herself and Mark. Sandy and Katherine. She didn't blink a moment as she watched her son, fidget in place, angry. Hurt.
"Didn't you hear what I just said? This was our choice," defended Sandy, not realizing that Ryan had bore witness to the day's flirtatious events.
"Yeah, I heard you. You're acting like you haven't been with anyone else," spat Ryan, bitterly.
"What?" asked Seth, staring at his brother, slowly processing what he was insinuating.
"I saw you there too, dad. With that dark haired woman. She was hugging you, holding on to you. She kissed your cheek, dad. So, don't sit there and act like you haven't done anything wrong," said Ryan, his eyes flashing with burning intensity.
"Ryan, I…" began Sandy. For the first time, Sandy Cohen was at a loss for words.
"So, it's true. Isn't it, dad?" asked Seth, fully understanding why his father had begun his stutter.
"Seth…"
"It's the both of you! What the f-" began Seth.
"Seth!" interrupted Kirsten, flashing Seth a warning glare before turning her attention to Ryan, "Ryan, we both were with other people today. We, both, decided to take this break. I'm sorry, boys. We both are. We never meant to put this on you."
"So you were going to keep it secret? You were going to wait until we saw you two kissing other people? You were going to lie in front of us!" asked Seth, loudly, becoming slightly hysterical.
"It's not like that," defended Kirsten, shaking her head.
"What is it like then, mom? Dad? You were going to wait until we read it in the paper? Or until you two decide to get a divorce? Or until you two get remarried?" asked Seth, furiously. He knew he was overreacting but he was hurt beyond comprehension. He didn't understand why this was happening.
"Seth, you're overreacting. Just please, calm down. I know this is difficult to understand but you have to try," said Sandy. Seth stared at him, his father, remembering last year when he had said that his father was like a superhero. He surfs, he sings and he reads minds. Sandy had read his mind, yet again.
"I thought I was through with this. The lies and the cheating. I was supposed to have put this behind me," said Ryan, sadly. He shook his head as he stood, looking Kirsten straight in the eye.
"Ryan…" she began.
"How did this happen? Yesterday you two wouldn't cut it out with the mushiness. You two were all over each other and now, you two are separated!" asked Seth softly. His voice very small and quiet. This part of Seth was rarely seen. It worried the Cohen family but then again, this was no ordinary situation. Seth twiddled his thumbs absent-mindedly as he thought of his parents two years ago. They were always all over each other, Seth couldn't forbid them enough but still, they continued on with their morning hugs and whispers over coffee and their later morning kisses and make outs. Seth had caught them too many a time and now that same couple two years later was on the verge of divorce. Divorce. The dreaded word that the whole family dreaded to hear or contemplate. A divorce would mean that the family would split up. Seth and Ryan would go where?
"What's going to happen now? What's going to happen? Mom? Dad?" asked Ryan, tentatively. The same thoughts were running through his head. His parents had adopted him two years ago. He thought things were changing then. New home, new town, new people, new family. His first family was somewhat of a mess. He could barely call them family. He was the youngest member of the Atwood family. The most abused. Growing up a troubled teen, Ryan never thought he had a chance. Then a man named Sandy Cohen rescued him. His wife, Kirsten Cohen welcomed him. His son, Seth Cohen, befriended him. This family, this same family that had changed his whole world was now crumbling before him. One relationship hanging in the balance, holding the others at bay.
"We wait. That's all we can do, son," replied Sandy. He had meant to sound reassuring, loving. His voice betrayed him, demonstrating to all what he really felt. The truth and honesty in his voice told the family to be worried because for the first time in what had seemed like ages, Sandy Cohen was afraid.
"Right. Wait. Because that always fixes everything," said Ryan, sarcastically.
"Ryan. Seth. Baby, I'm so sorry," said Kirsten, choking slightly on the lump in her throat. Tears threatened to spill from her sorrowed ocean blue eyes. They seemed to glisten almost from the tears. Her eyes were sad.
"You'll fix this. Right, mom? Dad? You always do," responded Ryan hopefully. He sounded like a child just then. The child he had never been allowed to be. In the Atwood family, he was the adult. He took care of his mother, looked out for his brother. No one cared for him. He had been welcomed into a family, where he was free to be the teenager he was meant to be. He was free to be young. This family, however, was beginning to fall apart.
"Ryan…" began Kirsten, slowly rising to meet him.
"You have to…" whispered Ryan, quietly before standing and walking toward the pool house.
"You see what you've done? Good job," said Seth, briskly walking away from his parents, leaving Kirsten in tears and Sandy in shock.
Sandy wrapped his arms around Kirsten as she wept into his chest. They both relished in the feeling of being so close. Kirsten clung to him, her arms encircled around his waist, grabbing the fabric of his shirt. Kirsten's tears were relentless. Kirsten missed being in his arms. She still needed him. Sandy kept his arms tightly around her small, shaking frame. His chin rested on the top of her head, her silken hair beneath his skin. He missed the smell of her hair, the feel of her body against his, the touch of her skin. No, he told himself firmly. He pulled back, lifting his hands to cradle her face, wiping her tears away from her flushed cheeks. He stood up and walked away. I'm doing this for you, Kirsten.
Kirsten stared after him before nodding to herself. She, too, stood up and walked away. Sandy was going to deal with Seth. Kirsten was going to talk to Ryan. She knew Seth wouldn't want to speak to her. She understood that he still hurt over what happened last year. Their talk had resolved matters between them but that, however, would never take away the pain he had suffered, the confusion, the disappointment. He had quickly decided that everything had been her fault. The alcohol. The marriage. The separation. The cheating. In a way, he's right. Now wasn't the time for them to talk. They needed more time to heal. He needed to come to terms with the situation on his own. His own feelings for his mother were confusing him, forcing him to rethink his judgments. She knew she had disappointed him yet again. This tore at her heart. She and Seth were never ones to reveal to each other their deepest feelings. They just never had that relationship. It had seemed as though things were turning around. Kirsten realized that they were still headed in that direction. He had easily confronted her and had told her his feelings, his ideas toward her. She smiled for a moment. She and Seth were going to be all right.
Ryan's sweat began to irritate his burning skin. His knuckles were lit on fire as he beat Sandy's punching bag relentlessly. Sweat beaded on his forehead, above his furrowed eyebrows. This. Can't. Be. Happening. Suddenly, he felt a pair of cool blue eyes piercing the back of his body. Kirsten.
Kirsten stood, leaning against the frame of the door, staring at him. His feverish eyes met hers and were muted by the softness and serene blue eyes. The tears had vanished but her eyes remained as saltwater. "Sometimes, I swear I can see the ocean in her eyes," said Sandy. Ryan let out a small grunt as he turned and punched the bag once more, powerfully, angry with himself for reliving the memory.
"Ryan?" said Kirsten, finally.
"What?" asked Ryan, his deep respirations mixing with the sound of the bag swinging gently on its chains.
"I'm sorry." She didn't know what else to say. She knew even the shortest sentences with him made a difference. It wasn't always the quantity of the words spoken, rather the meaning. Ryan never liked using words.
Ryan grabbed the bag, desisting it from moving, clutching at it's rough fabric and leaning his sweaty forehead against hit, "Me too."
Kirsten shook her head as she slowly approached him, "No. You have nothing to be sorry for, Ryan. Nothing, okay?" She walked to his bed, taking a seat on the edge of it. The only sound heard in the room was the sound of the bed lightly creaking. She looked up at him and motioned for him to sit down, gently patting the area next to her.
Ryan simply nodded. He grabbed a towel before joining her on the bed. He began to wipe his forehead with it before realizing his hair was slightly damp as well. Kirsten eyed him carefully. My son. Her eyes met his as she took the towel from his hands and began to gingerly dry his hair. "Keep Seth safe for me, Ryan. Make sure he understands, okay?" said Kirsten, suddenly, making sure to dry his hair as best she could.
Ryan nodded carefully, aware that any drastic movement would alter Kirsten's pace.
Kirsten gave a deep sigh. All he had done thus far was apologize and nod. "Say something, won't you?" she pleaded, gently.
They sat in silence for a moment. "Do… I mean, I don't know how to ask but— Do… Do you love him?" he asked. Ryan looked down as Kirsten moved the towel from his head and placed it on her lap. She smiled at his boyish nature, watching him blush slightly. He looked up at her, expectantly. At this instant, Kirsten asked herself whether he was asking about Sandy, Carter or Mark.
"Sandy?" she asked.
Ryan nodded, once more.
She smiled and nodded before staring out into the yard, through the open door, "I do. I love him like there's no tomorrow."
"Then why this? Why separate? If you love him so much, why are you doing this?" asked Ryan, suddenly.
Kirsten took a deep sigh and folded her hands in her lap, cradling the towel and staring at it, "Because, sometimes, love just isn't enough. Your father and I need to sort out what happened between us last year. Things happened and for the life of me, I can't figure out why. This was the only way we would know for sure if we're still as Julie put it 'Sandy and Kirsten, Moral Centers of the Universe'. I don't quite understand the moral center of the universe part but I'm assuming that we've lost that spark. That passion that once made us that. We need to find it again. We found our groove. We just need to find the rest of our marriage." Kirsten looked out once more at the night sky. That's why.
"What's going to happen, now? I need an answer, please?"
"Honestly, Ryan, I don't know. Hopefully, the best happens. I do love your father, Ryan. I still want to be with him. We just need to figure this all out," said Kirsten. She wondered for moment who she was trying to convince. Ryan or herself. Her answer wasn't definite. Far from it. She had tried to sound hopeful, as if she and Sandy were getting back together the next day. Hopefully, the best happens… I still want to be with him. They needed to get back together. She didn't know what she'd d otherwise. The best possible situation would be for her and Sandy to make love until the sun rose the next day. However, that wasn't going to happen. The situation was growing much more complicated than she had planned. They were supposed to go out with someone new, realize that they didn't need anyone else but the other and then come running back to each other with open arms. Mark and Katherine weren't making her ideas plausible. Mark had an effect on her that she had never thought possible. His similarity to Sandy was undeniable. It would be far too easy for her to fall for him but she couldn't do that. She had a marriage to save. Katherine's bubbly nature and controversial political views made her hard to resist for Sandy. She was the ideal woman his mother would approve of. What am I going to do about those two?
"Fine," muttered Ryan, snapping Kirsten from her thoughts. From her peripheral vision, she saw him nod, slowly. In understanding?
"You… understand?" she asked, tentatively.
"Yeah. When Theresa was here, Marissa and I had just broken up. I didn't love Theresa, I just needed to know. I just didn't know how I felt about her at the time. I still loved her, I just didn't know if there was an "us" to save, what with Oliver and Luke always getting in the way. It sucks that I hurt Marissa along the way of me sorting out my feelings for her…" he said, his voice drifting as she saw his eyes glaze over, thinking most likely of the events of two years ago.
"That's exactly it," she said, reassuringly placing a hand on his knee and rubbing it, lovingly.
"I just… I thought this was behind me," sighed Ryan.
"I'm so sorry, Ryan. I really am. I never meant for this to happen. I never thought that in a million years this would happen but it did. I believe that things like this happen for a reason. There's a reason why Sandy and I are together and so, there's a reason why our relationship is going through this. I'm just so sorry that you had to get caught, in a sense, the crossfire," said Kirsten, sadly, gripping his knee as she struggled to keep her tears from falling.
Kirsten and Ryan looked up as they heard someone clear their throat. Sandy stood at the doorway, his arm draped over Seth's slumped shoulders, "I'm so sorry. For what I said. For not understanding. For thinking of only myself." Seth walked over to his teary-eyed mother and embraced her tight. Kirsten's eyes widened as she was overcome with an odd feeling. The relationship between herself and Seth paralleled another but at this very moment, differed. Kirsten cast this thought aside as she shut her eyes tight, tears spilled from them, returning the hug her son had enveloped her in. Kirsten opened her mouth to say something
Seth, as if sensing she was going to speak, continued, "Please let me finish. Mom, for the longest time, you've always understood where I was coming from. I never have. I'm sorry I placed blame on you. It was wrong. I was confused and I know that isn't an excuse. I shouldn't point the finger at you just because I don't know where else it should go. I never meant any of what I said before. It was cold and harsh and cruel of me to imply that all things wrong in this family is because of you. I'm sorry, Mom."
IF THIS FAMILY IS SCREWED UP IT'S BECAUSE OF YOU! Kirsten, suddenly, realized whose relationship she was reminded of. Caleb and herself. Seth had blamed her as she had blamed Caleb. She felt as if she now understood the relationship between her and her father. She never hated him. As much as she complained, swore and cast him out of her life, she'd always come back. She loved him, too much. Somewhere inside of her was the 16-year-old girl, who always got what she wanted. Daddy, I'm so sorry. She knew it wasn't enough but it was a start. She would never get the chance to tell him how sorry she was.
Kirsten, suddenly, smelled the scent of cigars, faintly hanging in the air. She looked around, briefly and her eyes were met by a pair of soulful deep brown ones. Seth. She knew in that instant, she was forgiven by her father. Just as she forgave her son. She cupped his face in her hands as more tears slipped down her flushed cheeks. She kissed him, gently on the forehead. He sat next to her, leaning his head on her shoulder.
"We're gonna figure this out. I promise," said Sandy, taking a seat next to Ryan.
The Cohen's sat in a comfortable silence as the parents watched over their children, praying silently that their choices would never break their hearts, the hope of tomorrow, hanging in the air.
Next time on Back to You:
"…I just don't know if this is right anymore…"Dun, dun, dun. Haha, sorry. We just thought it'd be a good idea to put this at the end, just to leave you guys in more suspense. :P Read and Review, please. And if you feel that this Next time on Back to You stuff is mean or annoying, feel free to tell us and we'll cut it out immediately. :D Bye!