A Shattered Demon Child

Part 21

Naruto was cleared to leave once Tsunade and Shizune gave him one last evaluation on his injuries, but that didn't mean they were done after they physically examined him. The blond was spaced out that morning, unable to get his thought in order. The internal dialogue he'd had with the Nine-Tails as his strange vision and conversation with Sasuke still loomed in his head. He was awake, but he still in a bit of a daze considering all that had happened in the short time after finding out Jiraiya was dead. The blond was unsure how to proceed, and he needed to get his mind together.

In the days prior, Kakashi didn't leave his side without leaving Yamato or Sakura to check in on him. They even let Sai visit a few times, and to Naruto's surprise, Sai didn't ask questions. When he asked, Sai told him he was worried, but otherwise he was fine and wouldn't mention it to anyone. It did put Naruto at ease to see his team didn't resent him. Sakura did what she could to try and cheer him up, as did Yamato, but Naruto only smiled because he knew it made them feel better. He didn't mention seeing Sasuke, or that the Nine-Tails was helping Naruto because he wanted to die that afternoon too.

These thoughts ran through his mind as he walked with Tsunade and Shizune to the exam room. Naruto dreaded this last exam enough to make him want to stay one more day. It wasn't that he didn't want to leave, it was that he was going to have a lot of questions to answer. His thoughts swirled around his head like a storm as he spaced out, not really hearing whatever Tsunade was trying to say after she examined his injuries.

"Naruto," Tsunade said, snapping her fingers in front of his face. "Are you listening?"

He blinked a few times before he admitted sheepishly, "Sorry, Granny. I spaced out."

Tsunade sighed before she stated, "I asked you about the bruising and the fractures that you came in with."

Naruto froze before he stated plainly, "Oh... That must've happened while I was training or something."

The blond woman frowned heavily before she moved on, "Okay, fine. Have you been eating or sleeping?"

The blond nodded and lied confidently, "I have been. Why?"

Tsunade sat down on the edge of the exam table next to Naruto, who could only look away from her. This prompted a sigh from the sage, as they both knew he was lying. Naruto didn't want to admit he'd been sneaking out and training, or that he wasn't really eating as much as he knew he should've, or that he'd spent several nights without much sleep. He couldn't explain how inhuman he felt; he didn't feel physical pain much, and he felt no desire to eat or sleep like most people did. He tried, but he was failing miserably to comply with the conditions they gave him to keep from pulling him from all missions and training.

"You've lost more weight," the sanin stated calmly. "And your healing isn't as fast as it usual is. I know you're trying, and you've been doing better, but it won't get better if you don't stop beating yourself up over everything. The worse this gets, the harder it'll be for you to recover."

Naruto only gave her a limp nod, still avoiding the pleading gaze in her eyes he felt burning into the back of his head. Tsunade put her arm around him, remaining silent as she collected her thoughts.

"I'm not trying to keep you from getting stronger, Naruto. The last thing I want to do is limit your great potential," she explained softly. "But I won't allow you to kill yourself in the process. We all have faults, and they can make or break us. I'll be damned if I lose you too."

Naruto lifted his head, looking at the wall across the room. "Is it wrong I want to kill Pain?"

Tsunade flinched before she admitted, "I'd be a hypocrite if I told you that. Just don't let it cloud your judgment. We're not taking down the Akatsuki and Pain just for the lives they've taken, we're doing it to save the lives of our comrades and the people who still remain on this Earth."

Naruto let out a small sigh. "Right."

Tsunade smirked weakly before she said, "You know, Jiraiya and I talked a bit before he left; we talked about you."

The blond's head perked up, as his eyes shifted to Tsunade's. He could see the sadness lingering, but he could tell there was a bit of warmth trying to combat it.

"W-What did you talk about?" Naruto pressed, half dreading what she was going to say.

She replied, "Jiraiya knew there was a chance he wasn't coming back, but he was willing to do it to protect everyone, especially you. He remarked how much you really did remind him of the Forth, how you could befriend any enemy, and how much he believed you will bring Sasuke back."

The blond's eyes watered a bit as Tsunade continued, "He always believed in you, Naruto."

"What the hell am I supposed to do now?" Naruto asked quietly.

The sage sighed. "Give me a few days to get some things in order. We're working as quickly as we can to get intel together, so for now, take it easy for a few days. I'll send for you as soon as we find something."

The teen nodded limply, but he didn't say anything else. Naruto did feel guilty lying to Tsunade, but she had enough to deal with, and he assumed she saw through the lies and decided not to call him out on it. This wasn't something new, he'd been lying for years, and it was just an expected behavior from him at that point. In any case, there wasn't anything they could do to deter him anymore; they could only keep him alive and in a group with other skilled shinobi. He felt like a child being ushered around by grownups for his own safety, and he couldn't do anything to stop them without hurting them. Naruto refused to hurt anyone he loved or cared about, but he had his moments of weakness when he didn't care who he hurt by dying.

When the blond left the exam room, he was silent. He knew it was a bit off-putting for most when he didn't act like a loudmouth willing to talk about damn near anything. His gaze lowered to the floor once he caught a glimpse of Kakashi leaning against the wall down the hall, reading his book silently. Naruto wouldn't mind living with Kakashi so much if it weren't for the fact he was always being watched and observed. The gray-haired jonin knew his tricks and tactics, and most likely assumed Naruto had been sneaking out and getting hurt on purpose. This time, Naruto was sure Kakashi would be more cautious about locking the doors and windows so Naruto couldn't sneak out anymore. He didn't want to look at Kakashi for the fact he knew they were going to have to talk about his injuries and what he'd really been up to when Kakashi wasn't around or awake.

"He's all yours, Kakashi," Tsunade stated calmly.

Naruto could feel the single visible eye of the jonin looking over at them. He felt bad enough as it was, he didn't need to look his sensei in the eye after trying to kill himself right in front of his entire team. Truly, the blond wanted to crawl into a hole and hide in the woods where nobody would find him, but it wouldn't solve any of his problems and most likely would add to them.

"Alright," Kakashi stated neutrally. "We should get going then."

The blond looked up enough to follow behind Kakashi as they left the building. Naruto didn't look back at Tsunade or Shizune; he knew the moment he was gone, Tsunade was most likely going to head out for a drink to ease her frustration with him, and Shizune would follow after her to convince her to go to her office and work. Brushing the thought away, Naruto put his hands into his jacket pockets. He stayed quiet as they walked away from the hospital.

As the two shinobi walked through the lively streets, the blond lifted his head slightly to observe the world around him. The world seemed in slow motion as he looked around at the citizens and shinobi in the streets walk by, most talking and smiling. Naruto averted his eyes after a few moments as he tried to convince himself he wasn't in a genjutsu of any kind and his mind was just playing tricks on him. Try as he might, the world around him felt fake and lifeless despite its lively appearance. Naruto felt as if the world had become dark and lifeless like a bad dream he couldn't wake up from. He wished the world around him would in fact stop so he could catch up to it. Naruto felt the world change when someone cared about died; with every death, the world became more bleak and grew several shades darker than before.

Naruto didn't stop walking until he realized they were at Kakashi's front door. He shook himself out his dark thoughts so he could prepare for what he knew would be an upsetting conversation. The jonin unlocked the door and let Naruto go in first as he followed behind to lock the door behind himself. Naruto lifted his head to look at the kitchen and living area in front of him before he turned to his sensei. When he did, Kakashi stood leaning against the wall, looking at Naruto calmly. The conversation Naruto dreaded was already beginning; it started with staring and silence, and then slowly evolved into an uncomfortable conversation ending in more silence. Almost on cue, Kakashi started talking.

"We need to talk."

Naruto sighed as he walked towards the living room and plopped down on the couch while Kakashi stood across from him with his arms crossed casually. The gray-haired jonin let out a sigh before their talk finally began.

"So..." Naruto's voice trailed off as he slowly gathered his thoughts. "What's up?"

Kakashi's gaze fell a bit as he asked bluntly, "Is there something you need to tell me, Naruto?"

"Like what?" Naruto replied dully.

"I need you to tell me how you got those fractures and bruises," Kakashi stated simply.

Naruto shrugged and stated calmly, "I guess I got them during training or something. I don't really keep track."

The gray-haired jonin nodded before he asked, "So nobody else gave you those fractures or bruises then?"

"Right."

The gray-haired shinobi tilted his head and asked, "A shadow clone then?"

Naruto's heart stopped for a second. How the hell was he going to spin this? He did use shadow clones, but he always used shadow clones during training. Kakashi probably assumed he was fighting his shadow clones, that had to be it.

"Probably," Naruto stated plainly. "I don't really pay much attention when I get hurt during training. It's part of the process and all, ya know?"

It was in that moment Kakashi had him in a corner, and they both knew it. Naruto was nervous, and his speaking habits were what did him in. The moment the words left his mouth and Naruto stopped talking, Kakashi's body language changed. The jonin seemed a bit uneasy with his answer, and was starring at him with a bit of concern. He botched his plan to keep lying once again.

"Naruto..." Kakashi said cautiously. "Have you been using jutsu against yourself during training?"

Naruto quickly replied, "N-No, I haven't."

The gray-haired jonin sighed heavily before he asked, "Okay, do you have an idea why the Nine-Tails was helping you?"

The blond thought for a moment before he stated dully, "Because he wanted to die too."

Kakashi shuttered at his words, but Naruto stayed calm. It was probably hard to believe, but Naruto knew it was the truth. The fox could deny it all he wanted, but Naruto could feel the pain and sorrow in his eyes when he starred down at Naruto that day. The red eyes that looked at him were silently pleading for his pain to finally end. Any resentment Naruto had towards the beast left him the moment he realized the demon was suffering just as much as he was and maybe even more. Sure, the Nine-Tails was a chakra beast, but if he could feel hate, he could feel pain. He was left with nothing but his hatred, but if he could feel hate, Naruto knew without a doubt he felt pain too.

Kakashi looked mortified as the words sunk in, seeming lost for words as he stared at the blond teen sitting in front of him. Naruto let out a small sigh as he leaned forwards, resting his elbows on his knees. His sensei was silent for several seconds before he seemed to get his thoughts together.

"Did he tell you that?" Kakashi asked in a shaken tone.

Naruto shook his head and replied somberly, "No, he didn't have to. I saw the look in his eyes, I remember what he said that day. We all know if I die, he'll die too. I'm sure he's aware of that."

The gray-haired jonin looked ready to fall out as he stared at his student in horror. Naruto looked away from him, knowing his gaze was pleading for it to be a lie because he didn't want to believe it was true. It complicated things, that was for sure. Everyone assumed the fox would do anything to survive, but like his host, he was tired of existing as a weapon. That was the hope, and he had to tell the truth on this one. Naruto didn't want the beast to be blamed when it was a joint effort that almost killed them both.

After a few moments of silence, Kakashi broke it. "This is... Not good."

Naruto nodded weakly and said, "Yeah... I'm a walking time bomb at this rate."

Kakashi looked at him and replied sharply, "No you're not, Naruto. You're not a weapon, nor a ticking-time bomb, you're Naruto Uzumaki. You're not a demon, you're a shinobi of the Hidden Leaf. I forbid you to ever say such a thing ever again."

That was the moment the blond broke his composure and the block on his memories of what happened and what he did. Tears formed in the corners of his eyes as he hung his head. His body shuttered as he tried to keep himself from sobbing as the words sunk into his mind. Every nerve he had under control seemed to scream in agony as reality began to sink in. It was a similar pain he felt when Lord Third and Asuma died, but a thousand times greater. He couldn't get out of dealing with the reality that he wasn't a weapon, he was a human being, and Jiraiya died before Naruto could see it clearly. He'd never get to thank his master for everything he did, even when he had to scold him for being reckless or endangering his life. Naruto would never get to explain how grateful he was for doing everything he could for him all those years.

Naruto broke down once he felt a hand on his shoulder, no longer able to suppress his grief anymore. He buried his face in his hands to try and keep himself from screaming. Kakashi knelt beside him and rubbed circles on his shoulder, relieved the blond was finally letting it all out. No words were exchanged until several minutes had passed and Naruto just couldn't cry anymore. He lifted his head slightly.

"I'll never get to tell him..." Naruto stated in a broken voice. "I'll never get to thank him for everything..."

Kakashi replied gently, "Master Jiraiya knew how much he meant to you. You being alive means he succeeded in his mission to keep you alive."

The blond choked on a sob before he asked, "Why is it the more I hate Pain, the worse it feels?"

The gray-haired jonin replied, "Hate doesn't heal pain. It only makes it worse."

Naruto shook his head. "I can't forgive him, I won't forgive him for this!"

"You don't have to forgive him," Kakashi stated sympathetically. "but you can't let hate get the best of you."

Naruto choked out, "I fucking can't! Dammit all!"

Kakashi replied quietly, "Let it out, Naruto."

The blond's entire body shuttered as he stated in a wobbly, yet vicious tone, "I want to send him straight to Hell, I want to send all of them to pay for what they've done! It's not fucking fair! He didn't deserve to die alone like that! I should've been there, goddammit it all!"

Within a second of the words leaving his mouth, Kakashi wrapped his arms around Naruto and held his head to his shoulder. All the anger and hate started to slowly turn into pain and grief. As the adrenaline started to fade, all his energy seemed to leave. The arms circled around him seemed to get a bit tighter as his body shuttered with every sob he held in. Kakashi didn't move or speak, but a tear did fall onto Naruto's jacket after his body stopped shuttering. The blond didn't notice as his mind started to cloud up once again. He was still physically exhausted, even after staying in the hospital, there was no chance he enough sleep to make up for the many hours he'd already lost. On top of it all, he was emotional exhausted.

In the possibly five minutes of absolute silence, Naruto was starting to fall asleep. Kakashi hadn't budged one bit and only held Naruto tighter as he started to go limp. His senses went dark for what seemed like a second, but when his tired eyes shot open, he was leaning against the back of the couch with a visibly tired Kakashi still kneeling beside him. The jonin had a hold on Naruto's arm, which he assumed was because Kakashi was trying to wake him up. His cloudy blue eyes could barely focus on the world around him.

"Are you alright, Naruto?" Kakashi asked gently. "You passed out."

Naruto nodded limply. "Yeah, just tired."

The jonin nodded before offering in a low tone, "Let's get you to your room, alright?"

The blond didn't argue as the jonin helped him stand up and half-carried Naruto down the hall to what was his room. Kakashi let him down easy onto his bed, but Naruto simply flopped down with his legs hanging off the edge of the bed. The jonin let out a small sight as he moved Naruto's body and legs onto the bed fully. The blond tried to say thank you, but it was just a slur at best. Kakashi only let out a small sigh before ruffling Naruto's blond hair. In a matter of seconds, Naruto was sleeping like a rock.

Kakashi smiled weakly under his mask as he started to hear Naruto snore softly in his sleep. The jonin pulled the blankets on the bed over his student before exiting the room silently. He made his way towards his bedroom, but decided to leave his door open in case Naruto woke up before he did. The gray-haired jonin flopped onto his bed as he let out a sigh of relief as he concluded Naruto would be alright for a while.

The jonin had thought about how Naruto was going to react and tried to predict his feelings. His prediction was unfortunately correct for the most part. Kakashi thought Naruto might try to kill himself once he found out, but he didn't know when or how. He also predicted that it was going to be hard to watch his student experience the same pain Kakashi did when his sensei died, but he didn't realize just how unbearable it was to watch it play right in front of him.

Kakashi really hoped Jiraiya was still looking out for Naruto and that he heard very word he said simply for the fact it would've meant more than words could describe for the grieving blond. The gray-haired jonin. He stared at the ceiling as his thoughts started to form clear words.

Jiraiya... You really had an impact on him, Kakashi thought somberly. I'll always be grateful to you for that. Even in the end, I know you were thinking about him. I'll keep my promise to you to keep looking after him. Like you said before, as long as he's alive, I haven't failed him. I won't fail him like I did Sasuke, even if it kills me, I'll do whatever I can to keep him alive.