Disclaimer: I don't own these people
Author's Note: Okay, it's long and drawn out. I babble, it's what I do.
CHAPTER 15
Lindsay Monroe
The music pounds in my ears as I make my way to the back door. When I step outside, I see Danny leaning against the alley wall, slumped over, head down. My first instinct is to hold him, tell him I forgive him, and that everything is going to be okay.
But I don't know that. I need to proceed carefully. "Danny?"
His head jerks up, and immediately those piercing ice blue eyes find mine in the dim light of the alley. I fumble for what to say. "We need to – I need to – I was thinking that …"
"What are you doing here, Lindsay?" His voice is weary.
I sigh. "I don't know."
"I know what I want." He says it baldly, so there's no mistaking his intention. "The question is what do you want?"
I look down and, not seeing an answer in the grimy concrete under my feet, decide temporary avoidance is the best course of action.
"What I want is not to discuss my romantic future in this decrepit alley."
A small smile graces his face, and I see a glimmer of the man I fell in love with. "Your place or mine, Mizz Monroe?" There's that Staten Island drawl again. Steady Lindsay. Do this right.
"Neither."
Danny Messer
She's quiet on the way to the lab, and I almost wish she would yell at me instead. At least that way I'd have somethin' to work with. With this silent treatment, I'm at a loss. Guess not everythin' has changed – Montana still keeps me off balance.
We arrive and take the elevator to the roof. I can't but help but remember the time she called me up there to help her with that "experiment." It was the first time I think she thoughta me as more than just her goofy, annoying partner.
"Make tracks cowboy," she said, that flirtatious twinkle in her eye. Who woulda thought three words could be so sexy? Who woulda thought I would stupid enough to let her go?
I return to the present as we step outside. It's nice – the perfect night with the perfect woman. If only I was the perfect man. I ready myself inside – time to get things movin'. "What're we doin' here, Montana?"
She faces me, a determined look furrowing her brow. "I guess I have a problem, Danny. You've given me every reason in the world to forget you, forget what we had. But I can't."
I'm at a loss. I've never been good at this relationship stuff, especially when I've royally fucked things up like I did with Lindsay. Suddenly feeling tired, I sit on a rickety deck chair someone left behind.
"I don't know what to tell ya, Montana, except I wouldn't blame ya for hatin' me for what I did. It was stupid. I can't get around that. If I could take it all back, I would. But all I can do is tell ya that I love you. That will never change."
Lindsay
He loves me. I think part of me knew – hoped – he did, but it's different to hear the words in real time instead of only in my dreams. As I sit down next to him, I close my eyes tightly, forcing myself to move beyond the emotions he stirs in me to the matter at hand.
"I need to know why, Danny. I guess on some level I get the fear part, but everything after … you cheapened what we had, Danny. You cheapened me and, worst of all, you cheapened yourself."
His eyes darken slightly. "Well, my motives weren't as pristine, I guess, as yours were for shackin' up with Hawkes –"
My temper flares. I jump to my feet. "Don't you ever, EVER talk to me about Sheldon. Yes, we slept together. Once, and it was over. But he was there for me when my heart was bleeding, Danny, bleeding because you stomped all over it. Jesus, Danny, you came to work with a thong hanging out of your pants, and you're trying to act all wronged because I turned to a close friend for comfort? Where did you meet these women – and I use that term loosely – on the street corner? Did you look them up in our arrest records and pick out your favorite animal print? Explain that to me, Danny."
About midway through my tirade Danny started waving his hands, realizing I guess that he was out of line. When I stop to breathe, he breaks in. "I know. I'm sorry. I never should have brought up Hawkes. I just – well, that killed me inside. I think because I always felt you should be with someone like that, someone smart and cultured, not rough and tumble like me."
My blood continues to boil. "Oh, I see, it's the Danny Messer pity party."
His sits down again, face in hands. "Jesus, this is not goin' well."
Danny
How can I argue with her? She's right. I cheapened everything – her, me, us. All I can do is try and make her understand.
"Those women I dated? No, they weren't of the caliber I found in you, and that was the point. Before you, Linds, I went for the good-time girls. The chicks that liked my badge or my body and wanted a good time – no more, no less.
"When I met you, I changed. I wanted more, I needed more. You made me want to be a better person – " Crap, didn't Jack Nicholson say that in As Good as it Gets? I blunder on. "I know that sounds pathetic, but you did. I wanted to deserve you. I couldn't believe you loved me, and I didn't want to screw it up."
She breaks in. "Danny, I loved you the way you were. I never expected you to change. Things were going so well! We were in love, we were happy. Then after the undercover thing – "
"I got scared. I suddenly realized that in changin' to the man you deserved, I made myself vulnerable. I had friends, ya know, who lost their husbands, wives, parents in 911. And when you nearly got yourself killed, all I saw was their grief. The selfish prick that used to be me reared its ugly head and I just felt like I had to get away."
I stop, truly spent by everythin' I've been ramblin' about. Her quiet voice breaks through.
"What's different now, Danny? Flack tells me you've been playing a lot of basketball at the Y, staying home. What's changed?"
Here's the opportunity to make her see. "Me. I thought I could go back, but when I tried, I found out that Danny Messer didn't exist anymore. Yes, I went out with women, took some of 'em to bed, tryin' to forget you. But all I got was this sick feelin' inside. I actually owe Hawkes a debt – I probably woulda kept tryin' to find the old me, but then he kicked my ass all over the racquetball court and managed to breath through. I realized that no matter what, the dumb ass I used to be was gone – all that was left was the person you made me, for better or worse."
"I don't know what to say, Danny. I'm – I love you – but I'm so afraid." She sits down again, head bowed as tears begin to fall, drippin' off her nose onto the pavement. My chest constricts as I see the pain in her, and I realize that I can't do this to her anymore.
"I'm sorry, Montana." I turn and walk away, each step a painful knife to my heart. My hand is on the door when I hear her voice.
"Danny."
I turn and she's walking toward me, tears still streaming down her face.
"I love you. I have loved you all along," she says, smilin' through the tears. "I forgive you for being away for far to long …"
Who woulda thought a Nickelback song could sound so sweet? I grab her in my arms and I rejoice in her returned embrace. "Are ya sayin' what I think you're sayin', Montana? Do we have a chance?"
"We have a chance, Danny," she whispers, voice thick with tears. "We need to go slowly, but we have a chance."
Even if it takes the rest of my life, I vow to take every step I need to find my way back into the heart of Montana.
TBC