Title: What Are The Chances Of 'Never'?

Summary: Mac has told Harm that she can no longer keep their baby deal, during the Admiral's dining-out. Everything (apart from Mattie's departure) after this episode during the actual JAG timeline never happens. The General still comes to JAG and Mattie still goes to live with her Father, but there is no flying accident and Harm and Mac are not transferred anywhere.

AN: I meant to have this out earlier, but RL interfered as always! I'll post regularly and as often as I can, to make it you!

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters, but just borrow them for a while to exercise my overactive imagination! JAG belongs to DPB, Bellisarius Productions and CBS.

Spoilers: Hail and Farewell 1 & 2.

Rating: T. But this might change, further in.

Category: H/M angst & shipper.

Feedback is always very welcome!

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Ch 1

Mac sighed as she poured herself her morning cup of coffee, slamming the carafe back into place once she was done. She had been doing that a lot lately, slamming things. It was one of the ways she let out the anger and the frustration that she was feeling. And she only had herself to blame for it. Many times, she had almost cracked under the pressure, but she kept telling herself that this was the best thing, all around, for everyone involved. Her head was listening, but her heart was not. It was too busy breaking…

Soon after the Admiral's dining out, she had again told Harm that she could no longer keep their baby deal. She could see by his face that he was not convinced.

"Mac, it's too soon…You've been dealt a hell of a blow in the last few weeks. Take some time before…"

"No! Don't you see? I can't do this! This is never going to work!"

Ah, that awful word, again; never.

Harm hadn't said much else, but she could see by the look on his face that this was not over, not by a long shot.

'Never' had worked before. What had him so determined, now? But Mac knew, as each day that passed was bringing them closer to Little AJ's fifth birthday, she'd have to somehow get through to him that she wasn't going to change her mind. Sometimes, getting through to Harmon Rabb was like beating your head against a brick wall!

When the idea first entered Mac's mind, she at first dismissed it without much other thought. But after sleeping (or not sleeping, for that matter) on it for a night, she knew that there would be no other way. The only way to get Harm to pull away from somebody he cared for was to turn against him, to hurt him. Unfortunately, Mac knew a lot about doing that. Sure, it ran the opposite way as well, but Harm had recently been minimizing any kind of confrontation with her, even in the course of their jobs.

She thought about how Harm and Sturgis had drifted apart over the last year or so. Sturgis had been consistently, irrationally confrontational with Harm for the first half of their estrangement. The second half, he was distant, holding himself away from him in a way that certainly couldn't have been unconscious and unintentional. And so, faced with the prospect of a one-sided, up-hill battle, Harm had let it go, put up no fight. But would he let her go just as easily? Mac knew the answer to that; no way in hell!

So drastic measures were called for, harsh words that would hurt him so much that he would withdraw from her of his own volition. And by doing so, Mac was more certain that he would stay away. Sure, it was cruel, but it was the only way. And it was for his own good. There was no way that he would still appreciate her in twenty five years, when friend's grandchildren were coming along and they didn't even have children of their own. He'd see her for the burden she was. What was it that Sadiq had called her? Barren…He couldn't have been more right…

So, on Little AJ's birthday, she arrived at the house bearing his present and having rehearsed all of the words she was going to tell Harm. She knew he'd find a way to corner her and bait her into conversation eventually, so she didn't even try to resist. To her surprise, Harm left it until after AJ's last friends had collected their party-bags and gone home. She shouldn't have been surprised. She could see that he was desperate to talk to her, but this was Little AJ's day and he would never cause a ruckus and ruin his Godson's day. It was evening, when a few of the last adults were sitting back with a drink, before calling it a night. Harm found Mac on the porch swing, where she had sat in hopes of avoiding him, at least for a little while (The porch swing was in sort of a little alcove.)

She said nothing as he broached the subject. At her silence, he continued, thinking that it was her way of hearing him out. But he didn't even finish his thoughts before she interrupted him.

"I know you've been through the wringer since last December, Mac, but I don't even want to put a date on this, it doesn't even have to happen this year…"

"No."

"It…wait, what?"

"No," Mac had said, clearer, "I won't do this."

"Mac, I know 'less-than-five-percent' isn't great odds, but it's better than zero."

"That's besides the point," Mac had replied, "I know that I said that I couldn't, but I wasn't being completely honest. What I should have told you is that I won't. That I don't want this."

"You don't want this?"

By the look on his face, Mac could tell that she couldn't have hurt him more if she had rammed a knife through his heart.

She took a breath and resolved herself to finish what she had started. There had to be no way back, the bridge had to be completely destroyed.

"I don't want this. I don't want it with you and I won't."

Now, he looked at her like she had disemboweled him and was jumping rope with his innards. His mouth was opening and closing without uttering a sound. He couldn't find a word to say, in the face of this. Mac softened slightly, but only for a second. She couldn't give him any hope whatsoever. He had to move on with his life, find somebody who could give him what she never would be able to.

"I'm sorry Harm, but no…Never."

And that was that…

Or so she thought.

Cases kept being assigned to her that couldn't have tried and tested her resolve than if Harm had assigned them to her himself, in a last ditch effort to change her mind. She was beginning to think that the General could read her mind and had decided to have some fun with her. Mac had never been so miserable in her life, not even after Paraguay, after Webb's death and subsequent return.

For two months straight, she'd go home after an emotionally draining day working these cases and cry herself to sleep. She lost weight, the lack of proper sleep had her irritable and her concentration was completely shot. These cases were going to be the death of her.

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