A/N

Hiya! This is where-my-heart-resides and SiriuslyFunny.

Where-my-heart-resides- Liz

SiriuslyFunny- Kiki

Yeah, we go by that. Thanks for reading! And review losers!

Disclaimer: We're only gonna say this once, so listen up. we own nothing you recognize, punk.

It was the year 2071 and James Potter and company (including Harry, Ron, ect.) were dead. In the afterlife they had computers. And they were on one right now.

"Go check my email Hun," Lily asked James sweetly.

"Okay," James said, clicking out of a stupid animation him and Harry were laughing at.

"What's that?" Lily asked, pointing to an unfamiliar email address.

James double clicked on the email and found this message:

Ron-secretly gay

Harry raised his eyebrows in confusion and called Ron over. Ron narrowed his eyebrows while Hermione laughed at him.

"Shut up!" he exclaimed. "I am not gay!"

Ron went over and sulked in a corner.

"Um... James, honey, there's another one." Lily said, pointing to the email.

"Oh no," James replied as he opened the email.

Snape- secretly a very happy girl

"Me, a girl, I think not. I think it's time to attempt find out who's spreading these lies about us," Snape said. But really, he was thinking 'How did they find out?'

"Hey, another one," Lily said, pointing.

James grinned because it was funny and read the green text.

Dumbledore- secretly a playboy model

Dumbledore had suddenly appeared out of nowhere again.

"What silly rumors," Dumbledore said, his eyes twinkling.

Everyone laughed with Dumbledore, but Snape kept silent.

"Goodness...I'm glad that they didn't find out I was in it with him. Stupid goat, forced me. Made me break my record of greasy hair..."

"Oh goodness, another one. I just can't believe these rumors!" Hermione said as she pointed to the next email.

Hermione- secretly a stripper

Hermione turned bright red. Ron got a dreamy expression on his face. Ginny slapped Ron. Everybody looked at the email, disbelieving its content.

"Okay, that one was even more far fetched than the others!" Harry exclaimed.

But, Snape was sitting in his corner thinking ' OH! So that was her that I saw at that strippers bar...

While Hermione ran over to the loo, everyone pointed to the next one and read it.

"These are so stupid," Harry said, waiting for the message to come up.

Harry-secretly a prostitute

Harry's eyes widened as Sirius gave him a pat on the back.

"Way to go," he said.

Lily glared at him.

"Harry, I can't believe this!" Lily exclaimed.

"WHAT! I DID NOT DO SUCH A THING!" Harry yelled, about to punch the computer.

"Now, now, Potter, no caps locks for you," Snape said, remembering the day he saw him being a prostitute.

"I'm sorry... I just got that teen angst back in my system.

Ginny, who had been in the kitchen eating potato salad, came in the room and read the message.

"HARRY!" she sobbed, slapping him in the face.

Harry stomped out of the room, Lily running over to comfort him.

Sirius was silent.

"Oh geez...he better not be that prostitute Remmy was telling me about..."

Harry went and muttered to himself in a corner. Ron yelped suddenly.

"Hey look! There's another one!" He said.

Seamus- secretly not Irish

All of a sudden, Seamus came waltzing casually into the room.

Everybody glared at him.

"What, you can't be angry at the Irish person!" He said.

"We may not be able to be angry at the Irish person, but we can be angry with you, BECAUSE YOU AREN'T IRISH!" Harry screamed.

Everybody looked at him.

"Sorry, I had just a little more angst left in me. Won't happen again." He promised.

Nobody noticed that Seamus had secretly left the room.

Snape was still sitting in his corner thinking, 'No wonder I saw him in that weird deodorant commercial. The thing said: My secret: I'm not really Irish.'

"I wonder how long this will be," James muttered while opening another email.

Dean- secretly Michael Jackson

Dean, who was laughing at the last email, broke into tears, and left the room.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HECK IS GOING ON?" Harry yelled again.

"Stop the caps locks!" yelled James and Snape.

"Sorry..." Harry muttered.

"Why...That's so unfair! i get the worst one! That's so mean!" Dean exclaimed, Sirius patting him on the back and leading him to the kitchen.

"It's okay. It's not your fault that Snape encouraged you. I won't tell anyone that you he raped you and you raped Ron's son," Sirius said sympathetically.

"Ah! Not another one!" Harry cried.

Lavender- secretly not a virgin

Everybody was silent before Hermione spoke.

"Who here did NOT know that?" Hermione said.

Ron and Harry, being the oblivious gits that they are, raised their hands.

Lavender suddenly walked in, and slapped them both.

"How could you NOT know that? I gave up my virginity to you guys at the SAME time!" She said as she left the room.

Now everybody was looking at Harry and Ron weirdly.

"Umm... Hi?" Harry and Ron said at the same time.

Ginny and Hermione ran out of the room, crying while James opened another email.

Snape-secretly screwing Hermione

Seamus, who was watching TV, screamed as a little Mexican boy crawled out of the TV and ran over to Snape.

"You bastard! Now I shall bitch-slap you!" the little boy said, not sounding very fluent because of his accent.

Then he climbed back into the TV, laughing.

Everyone cracked up at the randomness.

Snape climbed into the TV, and everyone ran over to the TV and watched Snape run after the kid. His voice was soon changed to sound like Fleur.

"Get back here, so I can bitch-slap you!" Snape yelled, wearing a cowboy hat.

Everyone cracked up and turned back to the computer, which was beeping because Lily had so many messages.

Hermione had overheard the message and started to cry.

"I swear, if he put that video on the internet, I'll kill the greaseball," Hermione muttered.

Lily opened another one.

Voldermort- secretly likes to molest babies

Tom Riddle apperated into the room quickly, and shouted,

"I SWEAR IT WAS ONLY ONCE!"

And disappeared.

Then Voldermort came, making everyone flare up.

"Yeah, it was only once. I sent my teenage form here, because I didn't want to be guilty of caps locks," Voldermort explained.

Harry suddenly looked angrier.

"Ha Potter! You don't have anyway of expressing caps lock! Ha!" Voldermort sneered.

"YES I DO! TALK SNAPE!" Harry yelled, choking Snape.

"SHUT UP BASTARD!" Snape yelled.

"SEE!" Harry yelled, Voldermort suddenly disappearing.

James opened another email.

Lily- cheated off Sirius's paper

"Harry, honey, would you come here?" Lily asked Harry sweetly.

"ARE YOU KIDDING? I'M WAY SMARTER THAN SIRIUS! HE'S SO DUMB!"

Harry wearily walked away. And Sirius slipped past Lily, heading towards the kitchen.

"Don't worry Lily. I won't tell anyone," he said.

Lily opened another one. After that one about HER cheating, she was reluctant, but did it anyway. Nobody else had two, so why should she.

Lily- secretly cheated on James with Sirius

Lily groaned.

James looked outraged.

"Son, take it away." He said.

"Hem hem." Harry cleared his throat. "HOW ON EARTH COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME YOU SLUT? AND YOU, SIRIUS, HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME, YOUR BEST FRIEND!" Harry said.

"Well, at least his caps lock helps in this case..." Remus muttered.

But Lily and Sirius weren't listening. They were snogging under the table.

James started crying. But, it wasn't because of Lily...

James sadly opened another one while Lily and Sirius crept away from under the table.

James- secretly used Lily to get to Sirius

Lily started bawling, while Sirius smiled.

James snapped his fingers, and a Shakespeare appeared.

"Okay, you know the drill," James said in a dull tone.

Oh sweet Lily

How thy must confess

Our love was surely thy best

But now it comes to this

I shall give thy a goodbye kiss

For I have fallen deeply in love with my funny, smarter than you, prank-pulling friend Sirius

Lily stopped crying, and everyone was in shock.

"Oh James, that was the best poem I have ever heard. I know you're faking it," Lily said dreamily, throwing her arms around James.

"Oh I know," James said proudly.

And then they started snogging under the table. Sirius saw James wink at him.

"Lily is so daft. Now just wait. He will soon be mine," Sirius whispered to himself.

Since Lily and James were busy, Sirius opened up another email.

Sirius- used James to get Remus

James stopped snogging Lily abruptly, and turned to Sirius.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH REMUS!" James yelled. Lily eyes widened.

"Um... Dude, stop pretending to be Harry. And ya, I cheated on you with Remus," Sirius said.

"Oh, ok then," James said. Then he and Lily started snogging again.

Sirius, who was very curious at the moment, opened up another email.

Remus- secretly went out with Sirius to impress Snape

Remus's and Snape's eyebrows were raised so high, that they looked like they were going to fly off.

"Potter, come here," Snape ordered.

Harry just ran straight over to Remus instead.

"WHAT THE BLOODY HELL! THAT IS SUCH A LIE! HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF ME AND THAT GREASEBALL TOGETHER?" Harry yelled.

Remus and Snape ran out of the room and said "they would go throw up."

In the bathroom, they started to hug, Snape ruffling Remus's hair.

"Oh how I love you my greasy ball of love. I wish to snog you 'till the day is done!" Remus said dreamily.

"Me likey," Snape seductively.

And with that, Remus ran out quickly and met up with his beautiful wife, Tonks, and snogged her senseless.

A/N

Liz isn't here right now.

-Sniffs-

But the emails were actually made by us. We sent them to each other a while ago.

I give credit to however made up the "caps locks" thing. You're bloody brilliant, as Ron would say.

Remember to review!

Snape- Me likey…reviews are Mmm Mmm good!

Much love,

Kiki and Liz