I'm finally free from summer school…which means I can get started on my agenda of crack yaoi pairing fics! Yay! So here it is, the long-awaited, never before seen, highly anticipated ShuuheiXIchigo fic! I was kinda surprised no one thought of this crack pairing…but then again, it is crack…

Anyhow, this fic is rated M for a reason. The possible lime/lemon content will be introduced in the latter chapters (definitely not in chapters 1-3) and the use of frequent use of profanity is more than enough to warrant a rating of M…but of course, that shouldn't deter you from reading this fic!

Anyhow, a quick warning. This'll be my second crack yaoi pairing fic (first in the Bleach fandom), so as with any of my fics, reviews are greatly encouraged and appreciated. Yes, unbeknownst to many, reviews actually do help improve my writing…or my ego if the review just chooses to compliment me…I'll take whatever I can get.

Onto the important stuff. Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach. Kubo Tite does. But believe me, if I did own Bleach, it would be transformed into a yaoi-fest. This fic contains yaoi, possible lime/lemon, and profanity, so please do not read if you're not mature/open-minded enough to read. Otherwise, enjoy.

CH1: Weakness in Words

"I decline."
"W―What?"
"I decline," answered Urahara in a slightly agitated voice.
"B―But you seemed interested just a moment ago!" It wasn't in his nature to beg. But orders were orders, and as unruly as he seemed, Hisagi Shuuhei always obeyed orders from above.
"Well, I was only pretending to be interested. It's called common courtesy."
"But Urahara-san, think of the state that Soul Society is in! We need your leadership―"
"I said I decline. If I showed you the courtesy of being interested in what you had to say, why don't you show me the courtesy of respecting my wishes?" replied Urahara flatly, but clearly annoyed. Shuuhei let out a heavy sigh and got up from his knees.
"If that's how you feel, Urahara…" he muttered, as he started to exit.
"…Have you considered him yet?" called out Urahara as Shuuhei walked towards the door.
"Him?" asked Shuuhei obliviously.
"…Kurosaki Ichigo…you know as well as I do that he is fully qualified for captaincy."
"Of…of course. I'll see to it that Soul Society's invitation is extended to him…" answered Shuuhei gruffly. He was about to walk through the door when Urahara stopped him once more.
"Perhaps you would be interested in borrowing one of my gigais?"
"…Not after what you did to Rukia…"
"Tch…well one of my gigais would certainly be helpful to your cause. As a matter of fact, I have a surefire strategy to get Kurosaki-kun to listen to you…" chuckled Urahara behind his fan. Shuuhei closed the door and sat down across from Urahara as he listened to the older man explain his proposition.

It wasn't that Soul Society was desperate. It was far from it. They still held onto their shinigami pride, but the fact of the matter couldn't be avoided: they needed experienced shinigami and they needed them now. The war with Aizen and the Arrancar had proven to be a costly and fatal one, decimating over half of the shinigami army, not to mention losing various seated shinigamis as well. Yes, even captains and lieutenants alike had died in the war. In fact, it had only been 2 days since the formal funerals of Yamamoto-taichou, Kuchiki-taichou, Hitsugaya-taichou, Zaraki-taichou, and Ukitake-taichou. It was still hard to accept the deaths of these great warriors, but mourning was the least of their worries now. Besides, showing such sentimental sadness was a sign of weakness. A weakness he tried hard not to show…but always failed miserably. Even his former-captain could see this weakness, and he was blind for God's sake!

The day after the funerals was the day Kyouraku-taichou was promoted to Commander General and made Captain of the 1st Division. Ise Nanao was promoted along him as lieutenant of the 1st Division. The former lieutenant of the 1st Division, Sasakibe Choutarou, was in turn promoted to Captain of the 8th Division to replace Kyouraku. Along with these promotions were Renji's promotion to 6th Division Captain, Rukia's promotion to 13th Division Captain, and Yumichika's promotion to 11th Division Lieutenant (Yachiru-fukutaichou and Ikkaku had died alongside Zaraki). Shuuhei felt guilty. Guilty partially because he was good friends with all those who were promoted (excluding Sasakibe), and yet he cursed their promotions. At first, he tried to wipe the thought from his mind. He tried to feel happy for them. He really did. But all it did was leave him bitterly contemplating his life. Why had they improved so much and why had he improved so little? What did it mean to be the top of his class at the Shinigami Academy if he was no where close to the top of the Gotei 13 hierarchy? What had he been doing all these years then? Was he not training? Was he not strengthening himself, preparing his mind and spirit, to achieve bankai? What had he been doing? It was these thoughts that convinced him that he was the blind one, not Tousen. He could not see what he had done, nor could he see what he was going to do. Suffice to say, he was blind, and he was lost.

So when Kyouraku-taichou made an opening for one lieutenant to go seek out a worthy candidate for captaincy, it was Shuuhei who strived hardest to get this opportunity. He didn't exactly understand the reason why he desired such a task, but only that it made him feel useful. It made him feel needed, worthy of something, and that, at that moment, seemed to answer all doubts in his mind.

But now, his first and second candidates had been eliminated (Yoruichi and Urahara respectively). The feelings of weakness and inferiority had begun to consume his insides once more. If he couldn't accomplish such a simple job, then what good was he for? But when Urahara mentioned that boy, Kurosaki Ichigo, his heart practically leapt for joy…or hope at least. He still had a chance to redeem himself, but the strategy that Urahara was explaining to him now seemed sketchy.
"…How do you know this will work?" asked Shuuhei unbelievingly.
"Ah, believe me Hisagi-kun. If he has a weakness, it's definitely them" said Urahara as he concealed a wicked smile behind his fan. "Anyhow, are you willing to try it out?" Shuuhei sat momentarily. He considered his options once more (only the weak made decisions without thinking) and consented to Urahara's plan. "Good, good. Well, I have a gigai for you out back. Mind you, I took the liberty of removing that…provocative tattoo and those scars over your eyes. Appearance is absolutely crucial to this plan…" chuckled Urahara once more. Shuuhei only sighed in compliance.

His face was that of a young teenager once more, except for the band of gray stretched from one cheekbone to the other. Despite losing the '69' on his face, he found another way to expose this…erotic number: on his shirt. Inside his gigai now, Shuuhei was dressed in a simple white tank-top with a bolded 69 on it, along with black jeans.
"…Do you have to have that number on your body?" sighed Urahara.
"…It's the district of Rukongai I came from. Not…not what you think it means…" muttered Shuuhei sheepishly.
"Yes, yes I know that. But most people won't know that…" Shuuhei thought about this, but eventually decided that he didn't give a damn about what most people thought. "So you're ready then? Here's a map to Kurosaki-kun's house, so off you go!" said Urahara cheerfully.
"You're not gonna come and help me?"
"Ah, I can't do that. It's awfully busy here…" Shuuhei looked around and saw that no one was around. The red headed kid was in the corner sleeping and the black haired girl was conducting a symphony of crickets with her hands. "…and Kurosaki-kun might get suspicious if I was there. You know, he's brighter than he looks."
"Tch, whatever…" muttered Shuuhei as he waved Urahara off and left through the door.

'So here it is…' thought Shuuhei to himself as he stood outside of the Kurosaki Clinic. '…It looks peaceful.' He walked up to the door and rang the doorbell. Initially, there was no response. After waiting a few minutes, Shuuhei rang once more. Still no response. Shuuhei wasn't one for patience so decided to ring the door bell continuously until someone opened the door. "THE HELL DO YOU WANT!" yelled Ichigo upon opening the door. His face was flushed in anger, but it suddenly changed to surprise when he realized who was at the door. "Oh? Uh, you're…"
"Hisagi Shuuhei. Lieutenant of the 9th Division. I'm here to talk to you about official shinigami business."
"I ain't interested" answered Ichigo gruffly and slammed the door on Shuuhei's face. Shuuhei could feel a vein throbbing in his forehead and could already feel frustration taking over his body. However, before anger took over completely, he heard voices from inside the house.
"Onii-san, who was that?" asked a young girl's voice.
"No one," answered Ichigo.
"…Sounded like someone…"
"It was no one" said Ichigo as he stomped up the stairs. 'Time to implement Urahara's strategy' thought Shuuhei to himself. He rang the doorbell again. This time, a young brunette opened the door.
"Oh. Hello. Who are you?"
"I'm Hisagi Shuuhei…a friend of Ichigo. He said I could stay over until…until I could find a place to stay…but it seems he just suddenly changed his mind…"
"…You have no where to stay?" gasped the girl. The plan was working perfectly.
"…My parents…they've abandoned me…and I have no relatives I know of…and no home to go to…" continued Shuuhei. He tried his best to look pitiful but the best he could pull off was a semi-scowl-frown.
"That's…that's horrible! Of course you can stay with us! Otou-san will definitely take you in!" cried the girl as she dragged Shuuhei in by the hand. This was easier than he thought it would be. "Where's your stuff?" asked the girl suddenly. Shuuhei fell silent. He hadn't thought about that.
"Uhm…parents…sold it on E-bay" lied Shuuhei lamely. The girl stared at him unbelievingly…then burst into tears.
"That's…that's so horrible!" cried the girl. "You can borrow Ichigo's! I'm sure it'll fit you." After minutes of crying and sniffling, the girl finally thought to introduce herself. "My name's Yuzu" said the girl in between sobs. "My twin sister is Karin. And daddy's name is Isshin, but you should call him Otou-san."
"I see…" muttered Shuuhei.
"Well then…" Yuzu suddenly stopped crying as she had suddenly started crying. "I need to make dinner. You can go yell at Ichigo or something, but I'll call you down when sis and dad get home." Shuuhei nodded and headed up the stairs.

"WH―WHAT THE HELL? Who let you in here!" asked Ichigo, clearly pissed off.
"Who else? Your sister," replied Shuuhei coolly. "I don't intend to make my visit long. The reason I'm here is because…"
"I don't wanna hear it. You can get your ass outta here" grumbled Ichigo as he sat cross-legged on his bed.
"I'm here to ask if you'd be willing to become a candidate for captaincy in Soul Society." Ichigo stopped fidgeting. His once intense and annoyed face softened and revealed a gentle and calm disposition. However, it didn't last long.
"Nope. Not gonna," answered Ichigo bluntly.

It was like a clock going off in Shuuhei's head. A clock that had been counting down all day. And now, after being rejected for the third time, the clock finally rang. He lost control and resorted to his overdrive mode. He started to wrack his entire brain in search of way, any way, to change Ichigo's mind…anything as long as it didn't mean failure. Perhaps it was desperation. Or perhaps it was pride. Or maybe it was fear of showing his weakness. But that didn't really make sense, because in the end, he found himself kneeling on the ground, face pressed down to the floor in a solemn bow. He was exposing all kinds of weaknesses by getting into this desperate state: a full-on, total submission of one's self.
"Please, Kurosaki…reconsider. I beg of you." He shot a secret glance up at Ichigo's face. It was still somber, but it showed hints of weakening. "I'm asking you…humbly and on my damn knees…you don't know how fucking hard this is for me…" stuttered Shuuhei. Ichigo's face softened once more. Shuuhei continued. "Think…think of your family…how you'd be able to protect them better…" Ichigo's face softened considerably now. Shuuhei continued to grovel. "And think of Soul Society. Think of what a great service you'd be doing for them and the world." In a split second, his face went from a kind face to a killer's face.
"I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT TO!" exploded Ichigo. At the moment, the door behind them exploded open. Shuuhei retained his bowing position but turned around enough to see who it was. There in the doorway stood a burly looking man, unmistakably Isshin.
"What…what's this! You're forcing your friend to beg for a place to stay! UNACCEPTABLE!" cried the man as he jumped forward into a flying kick. Ichigo caught the kick but was unable to block the roundhouse kick from the other leg. The two fell down and started wrestling about. "Otou-san has always taught you to be compassionate to others!" yelled the man at the top of his lung as he pinned Ichigo down and started stamping his feet on his back. 'Completely contradictory…' sighed Shuuhei to himself.

Their dinner was relatively quiet, most likely because Ichigo and Isshin's mouths were too bruised and swollen from saying anything (or chewing anything for that matter). "So, Shuu-san, I don't think I've ever met you before…" asked Karin suspiciously.
"Karin! He's a friend of Ichigo so don't try to make him feel unwelcome!" Yuzu reprimanded Karin. "Anyways, you should call him Onii-san" said Yuzu as she swallowed rice.
"He's not my friend…" grumbled Ichigo. Shuuhei heard a sudden thud from under the table and looked over to see Ichigo bent over and grabbing at his crotch. Isshin had apparently kicked him.
"Ichigo! Behave! Anyways, Shuuhei is welcome to stay here as long as he wants. Actually, he can stay here forever! No wait, he should stay here forever!" laughed Isshin allowed. There was a sudden dull thud and his mouth clamped shut suddenly as he bent over to grab his crotch. Shuuhei just smiled and nodded.
"Thank you all for your hospitality."
"It's nothing! Anyhow, you can share Ichigo's room!" said Isshin. Ichigo made another attempt to kick Isshin in the crotch but it seemed like Isshin had caught his foot inbetween his knees. Without warning, Isshin jumped over the table and tackled Ichigo.
"UNACCEPTABLE!" yelled Isshin. Yuzu got up to try and pry them apart but Karin just sat there.
"Ignore them and eat. This is the only chance you get to hog all the good stuff" she commanded gruffly. Shuuhei nodded and started eating.

TBC

For your viewing pleasure, here's a captain/lieutenant table for my alternate Soul Society!

Division / Captain / Lieutenant
1 / Kyouraku / Ise
2 / Soi Fong / Oomaeda
3 / Available / Kira
4 / Unohana / Isane
5 / Available / Hinamori
6 / Renji / Available
7 / Komamura / Iba
8 / Sasakibe / Available
9 / Available / Shuuhei
10 / Available / Matsumoto
11 / Available / Yumichika
12 / Mayuri / Nemu
13 / Rukia / Available

Anyhow, hope that was a good start. R&R please, cause you know damn well that the only reason I write is for the appreciation. Or criticism. Whichever comes first.