Disclaimer: I swear I didn't do it!

Notes: This has no literary value whatsoever, but it was fun to write. I suspect it will also be fun to read.

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The Cat, the Witch and the Broom Cupboard

Chapter 2: The Chosen Scarpot

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Harry

Hermione

Severus

Mrs Norris

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(Is asleep)

Is he dead?

Harry!

What's with the accusing tone? OK, who cares...How about we kill him while he's asleep and get the hell out of here?

Harry!

Yes, I am fully aware that my name is Harry. 'Arry. Harry Potter. Harry James Potter. Parry Otter. Parry Hotter. Barry Trotter. The Boy Who Lived. The Chosen One. Neo. The Chosen Boy Who Lived. The Boy Who Scored. The Chosen Boy Who Scored. Not to mention Scarhead, Scarface. Pothead, Crackpot. The Chosen Scarpot. The Pot Who Scarred. The Chosen Pot. The Pot –

Harry!

Yes, Hermione?

Just...shut up.

OK... But I forgot Potface.

Did anyone ever call you that?

Well, no. But it's a good one.

(Bites Harry's ankle)

WHAT THE BLOODY HELL WAS THAT?

Ron?

It's Harry. Or Crackpot, or the Boy Who Lived, or... I just listed them all! I am NOT Ron. And I think Snape just bit me.

What? Why would Snape bite you?

How am I supposed to know what goes through his twisted murderous mind?

I'm sure he didn't mean it.

Didn't mean what? Biting my ankle, painfully mind you, or murdering Dumbledore?

I'm sure he didn't mean either of those things.

That's OK. I forgave him already.

Really?

...No. So, back to the plan of killing him and then running off?

We can't do that. Filch will get us.

Good point. How about we just kill him?

But wouldn't he...smell?

Another good point. So, what do we do?

Snog?

Really?

No.

Damn.

Yeah.

I'm hungry.

Eat something.

Eat what?

I don't know! There's no food here, exactly.

How about we eat Snape?

NO!

Why not?

I like him. I like looking at him asleep. He looks so...troubled, and mysterious, and innocent, and peaceful, and handsome...

Um, Hermione? You realise that it's kind of impossible to look "troubled" and "peaceful" at the same time? Or "mysterious" and "innocent" at the same time... As for HANDSOME, that's just ...ugh.

(Purrs)

Aw...He's purring! Do you hear that?

This is kind of disturbing. I just don't get it... Wait, I am meant to be thinking of FOOD.

OW! What was... Oh, Harry, it's a scone!

Hurrah! Where?

It just dropped on my head! Why does that keep happening? First the Horcrux, and now the scone...

Who cares? I'll just eat –

WAIT!

Why?

Maybe the scone is a Horcrux? We'll have to examine it first, run magical tests on it... And we might want to look up spells used to reveal magical properties –

(Takes a bite)

- and then, when we are completely certain that there is no chance whatsoever of that scone being a Horcrux or -

(Shoves the scone into his mouth) Mm...

- so the chances of this occurring are eliminated, and all the necessary precautions taken, to ensure that there is no danger to you or any wizards or Muggles nearby -

(Finishes chewing and swallows)

- it would be wise to first create a magical barrier, to prevent any kind of side effects, preferably in supervised conditions, Ministry officials and Healers, Maybe ever Aurors to -

(Burps)

- and after that, it would probably be impossible to eat that scone anyway.

You're right Hermione, it would have been ruined.

But I'm sure we will be able to find something else for you to eat.

Such as Snape? He looks like he'd be a bit bitter, but maybe with some Maple Syrup... What's the spell for conjuring Maple Syrup again?

WinGARdium LeviOsa!

Are you sure?

Absolutely.

Wingradium Leviosa!

It's LeviOsa, not Leviosar! Hey look, a floating bucket! It's doing a funny tumble thing, over there, right above my head, see? I think it might – (Gets hit by bucket and is knocked out)

'Mione?

Hermy?

Hermione?

Now everyone is dead. And I'm alone. All by myself. Just like Celine Dion.

(sings)

I never needed anyone

And making love was just for fun

Those days are gone

Livin' alone

I think of all the friends I've known

When I dial the telephone

Nobody's home

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myself

Anymoooooooooooooore...

Someone, pass me a pair of earmuffs, quick! The Mandrakes have awoken!

Shush!

Hard to be sure

Sometimes I feel so insecure

And loves so distant and obscure

Remains the cure

All by myself

Don't wanna be

All by myyyyyyyyyyyself...

(Covers ears with hands) What is this despicable noise?

Oh, good morning, sir. What noise? I wasn't really paying attention you see, I was singing.

Potter, you can't sing.

Says who? Hermione liked it so much that she fainted...and swooned...and asked me to marry her!

That's nice. What did you say?

I said Hermione liked it so much that she fainted, swooned and asked me to marry her, but not in that order. Actually, I think it was the other way round.

Did you accept the proposal?

...What proposal?

The marriage proposal.

Well, Professor, I like you and everything, but I'm not sure if I am ready for that sort of commitment. So I guess I'll say "Maybe" and think about it some more. I mean, I do have a lot of potential in the show business industry, with my mind blowing voice and enticing face...

It is rather enticing, now that I think of it. Or maybe it's just dark in this cupboard.

(Purrs)

And the purring just adds to the enticement...

But Sevvy, you have to understand, for some reason I just see you as a friend.

That's what they always say! You think I'm fat, don't you?

Well no, that's not entirely true. You're not fat at all! Let's just say you're not my type.

What is your type then?

The dark, mysterious, brooding kind. Troubled, yet innocent, and peacefully handsome... Someone who had seen a lot in life; had many gloomy secrets and experiences...Older than me, perhaps. Tall, dresses in simple yet mystifying dark robes, with a curtain of black hair and possibly a long nose... Maybe even a love-hate relationship! But that's just wishful thinking. It's not like I'd meet anyone who fits that description.

It would be exceptionally hard to find someone of that precise depiction, but maybe if you don't give up hope and look hard enough...

It seems impossible now. (Sighs) I guess I AM destined to be all by myself forever...

I'll help you look if you like.

Really?

(HUG)

(Pulls away) No.

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Thanks a lot to snigglesaurus and Queen of the Scoubies for reviewing Part 1. You guys rock! (glomps)

Well, this was part 2 of the silliness! It seems a bit peaky compared to the first one, but it was so much fun to write.

Please review. I'd love you forever.