#39 Torn - Expanded
A/N: I started writing a songfic to Michael W. Smith's 'Do You Dream of Me?' and somehow it lent itself to the expansion of Torn, which I was also thinking about at the time, so I decided to combine them. This will feature a first-person rotating points of view but I won't tell you who they are. You should be able to figure them out for yourself. :)Words and music by Michael W. Smith
oooooooooooooooooooooo
Dreams, within the still of night
On wings of hope take flight inside of me
There upon some distant shore
We want for nothing more than what will be
And you and I, here we are
I wonder as we've come this far...
Her face looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I can almost believe she doesn't hate me. it doesn't even take much for me to believe that when she smiles in her sleep she's thinking about me. I only wish ... Things went so terribly wrong between us and looking back I'm not even sure how. She hurt me, I hurt her ... I don't even know which us did the hurting first. All I know is we've gone from being close enough to share a mind and soul to being two people who can't even look at each other without hatred clouding our eyes.
Still ... I can't forget her. I've tried, the gods know I've tried to forget her and move on, knowing we can never be what I've always wanted us to be. I've used Dee - I've been lying to myself and to her, making her believe I love her and want her and her only. I can't believe she doesn't see through it. Every day I look in the mirror, I just want to throw something at my own reflection. She sees me, Lee Adama, Apollo, Commander of Pegasus. I see a man who's wasting his life doing what he doesn't want to do with the woman he doesn't want to be with. It's all a lie, every single second of it.
I want so badly to make things go back to the way they were, but the only way I can have her is in dreams ...
If I could only read your mind
Tell me the answer I would find
Do you dream of me?
And when you're smiling in your sleep
Beyond the promises we keep
Do you dream of me?
Do you dream of me Lee? Once upon a time I was sure you did. The stars in your eyes when you looked at me made my heart race, and I was positive I heard you murmuring my name as you slept. You used to be in love with me - I'm sure of it. Now you hate me and I have no one else to blame but myself. I've used you, toyed with you and thrown you aside in favour of another - someone whom I could love without the danger you've always been for me. It's not a wonder you went elsewhere.
But I just couldn't help myself, still can't. Every time I think of you with her my blood boils in my veins and I feel like I'm going to explode. I can't stop my mouth from saying hurtful things - they're just reflecting the pain I feel in my heart at losing you.
Do you still care about me? Is there anything left of what you once felt for me? Or am I just dreaming?
Love has found a magic space
A deep and hidden place where time stands still
Now I hold you in my arms
You know you hold my heart and always will
I thought this was it - this was love, pure and simple. You were stronger than Billy. You were forceful, you took charge - you were everything I wanted in a man. But it's all been a lie hasn't it? You never loved me, I can see it in your eyes. You pretend you do, and you want me to believe it but I can see right through you. You're still in love with her.
You lay there, arms around me, but you murmur her name as you sleep. How can I not know? How can anyone not see that she's not just in your heart, she is your heart?
She's not worthy of you. All she ever does is hurt you, and yet you always go back for more. I thought there was something wrong with me, that for some reason I wasn't good enough for you but now I know the truth. There's something wrong with you. And her name is Kara Thrace.
And you and I, here we are
And it's a wonder that we've come this far.
Why? Why did you do this to me? I loved you so much - still love you despite everything we've been through. I want to hate you - I want never to see you again but with every breath I take I think of you. I will till the day I die. Sometimes I feel like I could be happy if I could forget about you, but I can't. Be happy or forget about you. You're a part of me - you're the lighter side to my dark, you're the fire that runs through my cold veins. You're what kept me alive after everything I'd ever lived for came crashing down.
You've saved my life, and you've nearly taken it away. But none of it matters. If I can't have you I'm not really living.
And after all that we've been through
You've leaned on me, I've leaned on you
Do you dream of me?
And when you're smiling in your sleep
Beyond the promises we keep
Do you dream of me?
Lee, Lee ... if only I could forget you. I tried - really I did. I hoped that when I left you behind to be with Sam I'd forget you and the pain we always cause each other. Our relationship was good at times - the highs were incredibly high but the lows were so low I felt like I couldn't dig myself out sometimes. So I gave up ... I went for the easy choice, hoping if I left we could both make a life without each other and be happy.
I still dream about you though ... every night. Does Sam know? Do I talk in my sleep? I'm sure if I do I must say your name. In my dreams we're happy ... the way we could never really be. We promise each other forever, and dreams do come true. If only it weren't a dream ...
If I could only read your mind
Tell me the answer I would find
Do you dream of me?
And when you're smiling in your sleep
Beyond the promises we keep
Do you dream of me?
And after all that we've been through
You've leaned on me, I've leaned on you.
Do you dream of me?
Lee sat in his office, reading through the sheaf of documents that plagued those in command daily. His mind was only half-concentrating on what he was doing - somewhat occupied as always with what might-have-been.
The paper with her name on it tore at his heart for a moment, before anger flared again. That's how he always felt when he thought of her - like his heart was being forcefully ripped out of his chest. He scanned it - she was coming back to the fleet, asking to be stationed on Pegasus. Great, just great. How the hell was he supposed to live with this feeling twenty four hours a day, every single day? He could barely stand waking in the mornings, remembering the dreams he'd had of her and how happy they'd been.
He was about to rip it into shreds and toss it in the garbage when another name caught his eye on the paper stapled in behind - Samuel T. Anders. He wanted to just crumple it the way she'd crumpled his heart by leaving to go to New Caprica with him, but something made him flip the first page over and read it.
'Marriage dissolution of Kara Thrace and Samuel T. Anders'.
He blinked. And blinked again. She was free, and she was coming here. His mind told him not to hope but his heart was hopeless. It began to race uncontrollably. A discreet cough lifted his eyes to the doorway.
"Reporting for duty sir?" she said quietly, more of a question than a statement. Her eyes told him everything he needed to know. Everything he'd always wanted to know. The only thing that mattered.
"Good to see you back Captain Thrace. I think we can find a place for you here."
fin