2
She was absolutely dumbfounded. Did he actually come to her apartment to ask her out? At a loss, and totally speechless, she stood and walked into the kitchen. When she came back with their coffee, his elbows were on his knees and his face was in his hands. When she cleared her throat, he looked up. For the first time, she saw emptiness in his eyes. Had she done that? No matter what the circumstances were, she could always see life in his eyes. But now, she could only see empty dark holes.
How could she do this to him? After all, she knew what it was like to be hurt. He'd hurt her. He'd hurt her more than he'd ever know. She was absolutely crushed when he'd turned her dinner invitation down. No, it hadn't been a definite 'no' but it was almost like the end to her. He'd told her he didn't know what to do about their relationship. To Sara, that meant 'no'. She'd known Grissom long enough to know that if he didn't know how to handle something, it didn't happen. He was always in control…of everything.
Which made her wonder how he was handling sitting in her apartment. He was definitely not in control here. This was her ground. She had the home advantage here. And he was very vulnerable sitting on her couch waiting for her answer. This must have been tough for him, coming here. She could almost hear the wheels in his head turn as he tried to figure out what her response would be and how he'd react.
Knowing that he'd be able to answer, she asked, "What would you say if I said no?"
The emptiness in his eyes was immediately replaced by sadness, "I'd say that I'm not surprised. In fact, I expect you to say no. I guess I just needed to hear you say it out loud. I suppose I've hurt you too much." He hung his head and continued, "I, uh, need you to know that I never meant to hurt you. I just, well, it all happened once. You asked me to dinner about five minutes after I'd made the decision to have my surgery. I know you don't know anything about it. I never told anyone but Catherine. But, well, I guess I need to tell you now, even though it's too late." She wanted to tell him that it wasn't too late, but she really wanted to hear what he had to say. He continued, "You see, I have this disease, ostoclerosis. It's hereditary. It affects the ear. I was, uh, losing my hearing. I was very insecure and very scared. It seemed as though my whole life was crumbling in front of me. My job depends on my five senses. The fact that I was losing one of mine terrified me. Not only would I lose my hearing, but I would lose my job also. You have to realize that my job is very important to me."
He took a sip of his coffee without looking up and then continued, "I was petrified of the surgery. I struggled with the decision for a while before I finally decided to have it. When you walked in and asked me to dinner, well, I didn't feel like a man. I felt…scared and worried that everything I had in life was being yanked out from under me. My whole life was falling apart and I just couldn't balance anything else at that point. When I said that I didn't know what to do about this, it wasn't because I was trying to turn you away, it was really just because I didn't know…anything. I was facing the possibility of not being able to ever hear your voice again. How was I supposed to go to dinner with you when I wouldn't even be able to talk to you? How was I supposed to ever be able to take care of you when I wasn't even sure if I'd be able to take care of myself? I guess what I'm trying to say is that I didn't say no to you, I was saying no to life. I didn't know what life had in store for me, so I just couldn't add anything else to my plate. I know this doesn't change anything, but I just needed you to know."
He never looked up, and this time it was she who reached out to take his hand. When he looked up, he saw tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry, Sara."
"Why?"
"Because I never meant to hurt you."
"I know."
"You do?"
"I do now." He smiled for the first time since he'd arrived at her apartment. Finally, the sadness in his eyes started to fade. "Why did you wait so long to tell me this?"
"Huh! You know, I don't know. I've been trying to get to your door now for a couple months, but something always got in my way."
"What?"
"Fear. I always knew you'd say no, but I guess I just hoped that there was a part of you that could see through all the bruises I've given you."
"Grissom, I never said no."
"But you…"
"No. I asked you what you say if I said no. I never actually said no."
"Sooooo?"
"So, I don't know. You're right. I have a lot of bruises. You've hurt me. But, now I know why some of that happened."
"Okay."
She smiled, "So, what would you say if I said yes?"