Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto, I'm not getting paid.
Notes: Never written Anko before, as will probably be evident.
Summary: Anko likes Kakashi. Sometimes. This isn't one of those times.
Rise of the Rokudaime
Companion to White Dog Night, and Hyuuga Secret Arts
Part 2: I'm with Stupid
A Naruto Fanfic by
Nate Grey (XMAN0123-at-aol-dot-com)
Mitarashi Anko was in no mood for yet another late night meeting. There had been far too many this week, what with the attack on the Sandaime's grandson, and the resulting swift vengeance executed by his fiancée (Hanabi could deny it all she wanted, but no one would believe otherwise now), and the tension was still riding high. Saving Konohamaru's life had left Tsunade a wreck, and anyone who had seen her recently could tell she wouldn't be the Godaime Hokage much longer. The Council of Elders had already begun a search for the best candidate, but Anko couldn't even begin to imagine who they might pick, unless things got really desperate.
At any rate, this was one meeting she really didn't want to go to, but that was to be expected. She and Kakashi had had something of a temporary falling out over the whole Uchiha Sasuke fiasco. Anko was of the opinion that they'd pretty much handed Sasuke to Orochimaru, and that more should've been done to keep him in Konoha, even if it meant imprisonment. But Kakashi had insisted that the boy be left in his care, and that Sasuke be allowed to make his own choices. Naturally, when Sasuke had made the worst choice possible, Anko had blamed Kakashi. The last thing Orochimaru needed was more help staying in business, and they'd just given him a brand new lease on life. Anko was still amazed that they hadn't at least trusted her experience on the matter. She knew better than anyone how hard it was to resist Orochimaru after being marked by him, but the Sandaime Hokage had chosen Kakashi's plan of action over hers. It turned out to be one of the old man's final mistakes, but she chose not to hold it against his memory; he'd suffered enough in his last moments, and had given his life to cripple Orochimari, if only temporarily.
Kakashi, being himself, had seemed to forget about the whole thing in a matter of days, and treated Anko as if they'd been friends ever since. It annoyed the hell out of her, but she couldn't really afford to stay mad at him for long. They often ended up on assignment together, and holding personal grudges was the kind of thing that got people killed or worse. Though she'd often fantasized about cracking his fool skull open with a rock, Anko had to admit that Kakashi was far too useful (and amusing) to lose over something so petty.
The main reason she was going to meet him tonight was because he'd become the local hero recently, and she liked seeing him squirm, since it happened so rarely. Anko would've thought he'd be used to being in the spotlight by now, but lately Kakashi seemed to almost resent his fame. If his absence at the latest meetings were any indicator, he'd been ducking anyone in a position of authority ever since assisting Hanabi, and that was even stranger. He couldn't possibly get in trouble for that little adventure, not with Hanabi practically saying she'd threatened to kill him if he hadn't helped her. Anko knew that was a lie; Kakashi was, surprisingly, one of the few people Hanabi got along well enough with, if only because he treated her respectfully without being worshipful, as most people were with the young Hyuuga heiress.
Anko had been unable to figure out why Kakashi would want to see her, of all the people he was even remotely close to. If he expected her to lie about why he was missing in action lately, then he would have to do a great deal of some quality begging. Just the thought of Kakashi on his knees brought a smug smile to Anko's face, and she was so busy enjoying the image that she walked right into someone.
"What... Anko?" a familiar voice asked as a firm hand grabbed her arm to steady her. "Don't tell me Kakashi dragged you into this, too?"
She looked up to see Morino Ibiki staring at her with something very much like sympathy or pity. "Dragged me into what?" Anko asked at once, her brown eyes narrowing in suspicion.
"Looks like we'll find out together," he sighed, gesturing at Kakashi's awaiting apartment door. "Ladies first."
"Yeah, I don't think so," she replied, crossing her arms stubbornly over her chest and shooting him a glare.
Ibiki shook his head in annoyance, but eventually reached out to knock twice on the door before slowly pulling it open. From the blank expression that instantly arose on his face, they were both surprised to find Kakashi sitting calmly at his kitchen table, waiting on them.
"So you both decided to show up?" Kakashi murmured, sounding pleasantly surprised. "Good. I admit I had my doubts, but-"
"Cut the crap, Kakashi," Anko snapped. "Just tell us why we're here." She was decidedly uncomfortable with the way his eye slid over to focus on her, favoring her with a slow, exaggerated blink before moving away.
"Please," Kakashi said after a long moment, gesturing to the chairs around the table. "Sit."
There was something about the way he was acting that made Anko want to do anything but sit. Of course, she didn't have much choice once Ibiki pulled out a chair, sat down, and looked at her expectantly. Grumbling to herself, she sat down as well.
"I'm prepared to cut you both in on the opportunity of a lifetime," Kakashi said at once. "Assuming you have no problem with being promoted, that is."
"Damn it, if you just brought us out here to waste our time-"
"What Anko means," Ibiki interrupted, "is that we all know you're in no real position to make such an offer."
"No, I'm not," Kakashi agreed. "Not yet, at least. But I have a feeling that won't be the case for long."
Anko rolled her eyes and snorted. "That little stunt you pulled with Hanabi may have resolved the situation quickly, but I doubt it's going to benefit you as much as you seem to think."
Slowly, Kakashi's right eye closed as he sighed aloud. "What Hanabi didn't say was that all I really did was stand a few feet behind her the whole time. Anyway, that little incident isn't really related to what I'm talking about now."
"If that's true, then how else would you be coming into all this supposed power so quickly?" Anko asked.
"Naruto," Kakashi replied simply.
Anko stared at him in mild disbelief. "What's Tsunade's favorite brat got to do with it?"
"Pretty much everything. He's the one that ultimately convinced her to become Hokage in the first place."
Ibiki grunted. "I'm not surprised. That kid's been tied to the last three Hokages, when you think about it. Hell, he might even wind up being Hokage one day." At that, the man paused and gave Kakashi a long, searching look. "Damn. I don't know who the bigger fool is: Tsunade, or you."
"What the hell are you two talking about?" Anko demanded angrily.
"You already know, Anko," Ibiki answered, turning his steady gaze on her. "You just haven't wrapped your mind around it yet, probably because it's so unbelievable. What's the easiest way for the kid to become Hokage?"
Just as Ibiki had figured, Anko replied without even thinking. "If his sensei..." She trailed off, her brown eyes widening in shock as they locked on Kakashi. "No way!"
"If it makes you feel any better," Kakashi said in his usual relaxed tone, "it's not as if I volunteered myself."
00000000
Two Days EarlierHe knew that something was very wrong. He could feel it in the air, and he could more plainly see it on Shizune's face. There was also the fact that Tsunade had summoned him to her office, and had yet to show up herself... which basically meant she was over an hour late, or she'd once again tricked him into coming early, or...
"She's not coming, is she?" he asked abruptly.
"If it's any consolation, Kakashi-san, you wouldn't want to see her, the way she is now," Shizune sighed, her shoulders drooping. "Ever since she performed the emergency surgery on Konohamaru, it's like she's broken inside, and I don't know if it's anything that can be fixed. When she is coherent, she's fixed on the idea of retiring."
"Because of Konohamaru?" Kakashi guessed.
Shizune nodded sadly. "Yes, but not just because of him. Right before she put him under, Konohamaru was murmuring about all the things he had to live for. We kind of expected Hanabi, and we got that, but then... he said he had to fight Naruto over who was going to be Hokage. She started shaking so bad, I had to calm her down before she could operate at all."
"She's afraid of failing Naruto."
"That, or she was picturing him instead of Konohamaru. It's bad enough that Konohamaru was attacked inside the village. But now that we know ANBU operatives were responsible, it's a like a slap in the face for her. Either it looks like she made this happen, or that she can't control ANBU. Honestly, I don't know which is worse."
"But she can't just retire," Kakashi pointed out. "She has to pick a successor."
Shizune smiled faintly at him. "I suppose congratulations are in order, then."
"Please tell me you're joking," he said in a low voice.
"You can't really be that surprised she chose you, can you?"
He placed his hands on the desk and leaned forward. "This is the part where you tell me you're joking."
Never losing her smile, Shizune leaned forward and patted his hand sympathetically. "Go home and get some rest, Kakashi-san. We'll expect you in early next week. You have to be properly prepared for this, after all."
"Joy," Kakashi muttered dryly. Suddenly inspired by the sight of her hand resting on his, he grasped it tightly. "Shizune-chan..." he practically purred.
"Y-Yes?" she asked nervously as he raised her hand to his face.
"We'll say you accidentally poked my eye out," he said, completely serious as he carefully considered her long, thin fingers. "Both of them, in fact. Then you'll get to be interim Hokage, since you know the job so well, and everything will-"
"I suppose I could stay on as your assistant, for a while, if you're that desperate," Shizune offered, pulling her hand away from him. "So long as you understand that you are the one with the job, and I'm just helping out."
"Couldn't we trade every now and then?" he asked weakly.
"No."
He decided to go with the the approach that had seemed to work, if only for a while. "Have I mentioned how lovely you look in-"
"That is not behavior befitting a future Hokage, Kakashi-san," Shizune interrupted, a rather severe expression on her face.
"No? Damn. Guess I'm out of the running, then."
She gave him a rather exasperated glare. "There is no running, there's just you! And you can't back out of this!"
"Then you'll have to get used to this sort of thing," Kakashi said as he stood up. "Because I'm going to do everything I can think of to get out of this. Short of retiring immediately so Naruto can step in, anyway. And even that's starting to look like a great idea."
"It won't be so bad, Kakashi-san," Shizune reasoned.
"No? Then you take the job."
"I can't! Tsunade-sama chose you, and that's final! And I hardly think you'll make her feel any better about the decision by behaving like Jiraiya-sama!"
"I should think it would. He certainly wormed his way out of this job. Which reminds me..." He dropped an orange book on her desk. "You'll want to memorize the third scene in the second chapter. It gets me through stressful situations. And it's even more effective when recited by a lovely young woman such as yourself."
Shizune curiously thumbed to the aforementioned section, read one line, and quickly slammed the book shut, her face red.
"You have the perfect voice for it, Shizune-chan," Kakashi said over his shoulder, waving as he headed for the door. "We'll work on the positions later..."
00000000
"So as you can see," Kakashi sighed wearily, "I've found myself in a very undesirable situation."
"That's one way of putting it." Ibiki glanced over at Anko. "What are you smiling about?"
"Oh, nothing," Anko said, smirking. "Just imagining the look on Shizune's face."
Ibiki shook his head slightly. "Now, what's this plan you mentioned earlier, Kakashi?" he asked, trying to stay on topic.
"Let me guess," Anko interrupted. "I'd bet it's something that has him doing the least amount of work possible, and someone else doing his share."
Not surprisingly, Kakashi's eye closed in that familiar way she'd come to recognize from when he was smiling blindingly beneath his mask. "Guilty as charged. But surely neither of you wants me to be the next Hokage?"
"That doesn't mean we want the job, either," she pointed out at once.
"I think we've already established that no one in the room wants to be Hokage," Ibiki stated flatly. Then he paused, shook his head, and muttered, "Why are we even arguing about this? The choice has been made already."
Kakashi placed a hand over his heart. "You wound me, Ibiki. You'd leave me to suffer this horrible fate alone?"
"You can borrow a kunai, if you still wanna poke your eyes out," Anko offered with a sadistic grin.
"Would you at least do me the favor of accompanying me when I have to face the Council of Elders in a few days?"
She snorted loudly. "No way. I want nothing to do with those stuck-up old farts."
Kakashi's eye twinkled in amusement. "What if I promise to hit on them, too?"
Anko glared at him, even as her lips curved into a grin. "Damn it, Kakashi. You KNOW I have to see that!"
"Then I have to go, too," Ibiki groaned. "You two go in there alone, and there's a good chance you'll both be exiled for humiliating the Council."
"Admit it, Ibiki," Anko chuckled. "You wanna see if he's got the balls to do it, too."
Ibiki just looked at her, his face betraying nothing.
"He's laughing on the inside," Kakashi assured her in a loud whisper, which just made Anko start laughing all over again.
00000000
Three Days LaterAnko had to keep reminding herself that she'd allowed Kakashi to talk her into this. She hadn't appeared before the Council of Elders in years, and she would've preferred to keep it that way. They virtually spoke for the entire village, and so when they made you look like the enemy, it was hard not to feel outnumbered or take their words personally.
But she definitely wasn't expecting the statement that started the meeting.
"Hatake Kakashi, this council has decided to approve your appointment as the Rokudaime Hokage."
Anko had a feeling her eyes were like saucers, and when she glanced over at Ibiki, he had only shifted his weight slightly, but even that was pretty much the equivalent of jaw-dropping for him.
Taking a step forward, Kakashi cleared his throat. "Honorable Council of Elders, let me first say that I am deeply moved by your faith in me. However, in this matter, I do not have such faith in myself."
There was a slight murmur among the council members before Mitokado Homura leaned forward. "Are you declining the appointment?" he asked.
"Not precisely," Kakashi replied. "I am merely expressing my concern that I alone might be unable to handle the vast responsibilities that come with the position."
Homura frowned slightly. "You alone?"
"Might I ask the Council to consider an alternative?"
At that point, Anko felt a certain chill run down her spine, but she wasn't sure why.
"Proceed," Utatane Koharu said after a few moments, though she both sounded and looked wary.
Kakashi nodded. "I am in no way questioning the judgment of the Council itself, but as of late, it has come to my attention that the title of Hokage has a fatal flaw: mainly, that upon the death of the holder, a new candidate must immediately be found. For this reason, and others, I would suggest that the Council consider the possibility of joint rulers."
This idea was met with a great deal of protest from the council members.
"Are you suggesting that Konoha be ruled by two Hokages?" Koharu asked, her voice quivering.
"I suspect that three people would be safer," Kakashi admitted. "Though I do not believe it would be fitting to call any one of them Hokage individually. After all, it would be their combined talents that made them right for a job that no one of them could handle alone."
"I assume you have three such candidates in mind already?" Homura asked, still frowning.
"I do. But before I name them, I must make it very clear that the people I ask you to consider are three that I believe have Konoha's best interests at heart, and would, if the need arose, lay down their lives to protect this village and everything it stands for. In fact, I could not in good conscience even consider approaching this prestigious office without them."
Koharu stared at him in surprise. "You are saying that unless we give in to your demands, you will refuse to become Hokage?"
Kakashi held up his hands in apparent surrender. "I would never presume to command the Council of Elders. I am merely stating, for the record, that I do not believe I could meet the expectations of the current Hokage, or those who came before her, without the aid of two trusted comrades."
"So then you are one of those three?" Homura concluded with a smirk.
"I am. But I myself am merely the sum of certain talents fate has seen fit to bless me with. While it is true that I have learned and mastered many jutsu in my time, and I have a great deal of experience in battle, I do not believe these accomplishments alone make me worthy of the title of Hokage. Combined with those of my associates, however-"
"You're stalling," Homura interrupted, his tone just shy of irritable.
If Kakashi had a problem with being cut off, he wisely chose not to show it. "Allow me to introduce my first compatriot, Morino Ibiki, Head of ANBU's Torture and Interrogation Force. While I am certain his reputation precedes him, I would like to separate fact from fiction."
Anko glanced over at Ibiki again. She was positive that he was grimacing now. More than usual, anyway.
"Morino-san possesses a truly unique understanding of the human mind. He can, quite literally, break a man within three minutes just by looking at him."
"And you would have us believe that such a skill is valuable to a Hokage hopeful?" Koharu asked skeptically.
"Please excuse me if I am out of line in saying this, Utatane-san," Kakashi replied slowly, "but I firmly believe that if Sandaime-sama had been in possession of that particular skill, he might still be with us today."
Anko could almost hear time stopping as she groaned quietly and smacked her forehead. "Kakashi, you idiot," she muttered.
"You DARE!" Koharu cried, reeling back as if she'd been struck.
"I am a sensei myself, Utatane-san," Kakashi said after a few seconds. "I would like to believe that I know my students well enough, no matter where they might be today. If one of them ever returned to threaten Konoha with destruction, I would not hesitate to end their life. I think that Sandaime-sama's only failing was that he looked at an enemy, and could only see his student. But my point is that Morino-san's specialty is unlocking the criminal mind. He is the best suited to analyze and develop tactics for dealing with Konoha's most notorious threats. That is why I would have him stand by my side."
The council members didn't seem quite as outraged any more, although Koharu had clearly taken Kakashi's outburst personally. Several of them were looking at Ibiki in a new light, though Anko wasn't sure if that was a good thing. Because she was now very aware of the fact that Kakashi had only brought two people along to this meeting with him, and he'd already named one.
"And your other associate?" Homura said after the other council members had settled down.
Kakashi's eye closed in that telltale way that indicated he was beaming. "That would be none other than the lovely and talented Mitarashi Anko."
Suddenly, Anko was really missing that rock fantasy starring Kakashi's skull. On the other hand, maybe everyone would be reeling from the shock of that last announcement for quite some time. It would only take her a split second to wrap an exploding tag around a kunai and launch it at the back of Kakashi's head. And even if he managed to dodge, it would at least take out some of the old folk, and then they would never even mention her name in the same breath as Hokage.
It would all be so perfect.
Her fingers were actually tensing at her side when Ibiki coughed quietly, shooting her a rather pointed look that said, "Yondaime-sama himself couldn't save you if you tried that in here."
But Anko didn't want to be saved. Not really.
You couldn't be Hokage if you'd been sentenced to death.
And you definitely wouldn't have to put up with Kakashi's nonsense once you actually were dead. Not unless they killed him, too, for even suggesting the idea in the first place.
Well, wait. Then she'd be stuck with him either way.
Damn.
Anko started listening again in time to hear two or three council members shouting to be heard. Kakashi wasn't saying anything, and Ibiki was still watching her closely for any murderous tendencies.
With a deep sigh of frustration, Anko started running through forbidden jutsu in her head. By the time things had calmed down again, she'd thought of five that would instantly kill everyone in the room, seven that would actually destroy the room itself (along with everyone in it), thirteen that would blow up the whole building, and forty-five that would erase this half of Konoha from the face of the planet (provided she had an unlimited chakra source, anyway).
"-you think she can be trusted?" Homura was asking Kakashi when Anko turned her attention back to the old man.
"I would place my life in Mitarashi-san's hands without doubt or hesitation. I have done so every time we've worked together, and I have never regretted it."
Kakashi probably didn't realize that his life was in her hands right now. Maybe she should remind him. Though, that would be a bit unseemly, since he was currently paying her a compliment.
She'd just wait until he stopped saying nice things about her, then. Almost everyone did, eventually.
Homura was frowning openly now. "I do not think you fully appreciate what you are asking of us. You expect this council to place its trust in the student of one of Konoha's greatest enemies."
"Actually," Kakashi said at once, "I am asking you to put your faith in a woman that was prepared and willing to give her life to end Orochimaru's campaign of terror. And forgive me, but I don't recall seeing any of you standing in his way. Yes, I know that no one in this room could possibly hope to stand against him for more than a few moments. But that's exactly my point. Knowing that better than anyone, Mitarashi-san didn't allow it to prevent her from acting for the good of Konoha. You can't possibly question her loyalty without taking a good, long look at anyone who did less... which would be everyone save Sandaime-sama, in this case."
Anko chewed her lip worriedly. Kakashi was still saying nice things about her. She was starting to think maybe he wasn't going to stop, and wasn't sure how she should feel about that. If he made her look too good to the Council, they'd go for his idea, and perhaps it would even restore some of her reputation. If it didn't work, she could go home and erase this day from her memory.
Maybe she could still get out of this by appearing to be insane. Certainly anyone who witnessed her forcing her tongue down Kakashi's throat would think twice about giving her more power. It would also be an interesting way to pay him back, and as a bonus, she'd get the satisfaction of ripping off his mask, a feat no shinobi had ever managed (or at least lived to tell about), if the rumors were true.
But before Anko could seriously consider that course of action, she realized something was wrong.
People were getting up and leaving, talking amongst themselves... as if the meeting were over. When had that happened?
"I think that went well," Kakashi commented, suddenly standing right in front of her. He was running a hand through his hair in a rather innocent fashion, as if he hadn't just offered her and Ibiki up as sacrificial lambs.
Anko's hand was halfway to the concealed kunai in her coat when she felt an odd, heavy pressure across her shoulders. It took a few seconds to recognize this as Ibiki's arm, and by the time she did, he was steering her out of the building (and more specifically, away from Kakashi) as fast as he could without actually running. The only reason she didn't protest was that Ibiki was pretty much in the same fix she was, although he seemed to be handling it better.
"You do realize why you can't kill him, right?" Ibiki asked after dragging her up the first side street they came across.
"I have yet to meet a person who was above a good killing," Anko stated flatly.
Ibiki glared at her, since he knew she was including him on that list, too. "Anko, think reasonably for once in your life. The Council is obviously willing to go to great lengths to get Kakashi into power. He's well-known, well-liked, and at the moment, their only real option. Not to mention if you were the one to kill him, they'd have you put to death the same day."
Anko decided to look offended. "You say that like you think they could catch me."
"And you say that like you wouldn't be parading Kakashi's head all over the village."
On second thought, that was a good point. Damn Ibiki and all his logical thinking. If it wasn't for him, she'd have a lot more fun. She'd also be in a lot more trouble, but some fun was worth it.
"Don't stand there and tell me you're not pissed at him, too?"
"I didn't say that, Anko." He sighed and closed his eyes briefly. "That the Council's even considering Kakashi's idea of joint rulers... it could mean they're serious about not letting him get away. If they would even take you... no offense, of course."
She grunted and waved him off, far too used to such talk by now. "You really think they'll go for it? Just because Kakashi wouldn't accept any other way?"
Ibiki nodded. "He's their safest bet right now, and I can't believe I just said that."
"Yeah, I wouldn't trust him with the whole village, either."
"Although," Ibiki added, "I could say the same for you."
"Hey! We're supposed to be against him, remember? He's trying to get us more work around here!"
He actually grinned at her. "Where's your sense of adventure, Anko?"
"This is WORK!" she complained loudly. "Now, stabbing Kakashi to death in the middle of a crowd, THAT'S adventure!"
"You won't be satisfied until you've drawn blood, will you?"
"I think I might need a head or two to roll this time, actually. Knew I shouldn't have left my good weapons at home..."
Ibiki grunted quietly. "Tell you what. I've got a couple of new chuunin under me that could use a good icebreaker. I'll send them around your place in a few hours, and you can show them the ropes. Just don't put any of them in a coma this time."
"That wasn't my fault!" Anko protested. "Damn kid felt me up without permission!"
"For the last time, it was a muscle spasm he had AFTER you buried the poisoned kunai in his arm, and you damn well know it."
"Well, either way, he should've had better control of his own body, so he got what he deserved as far as I'm concerned."
Ibiki shook his head. "Sometimes, I really worry about you, Anko. And I'm supposed to be the sadist..."
00000000
Anko had calmed down quite a bit by the time she allowed the broken, bleeding group of chuunin to drag themselves out of her apartment. Which was another way of saying that most of them would never be the same again, and that she had worked the urge to kill out of her system... for now, at least. She made a mental note to remind Ibiki to go easy on them for the next week or so, since he was the type to conveniently "forget" that people needed time to heal (especially after she got done with them).
It was getting pretty late, and Anko felt like hounding one of her usual accomplices to pass the time with her.
There was Kurenai, although the last time Anko had tracked her down this time of night, she'd found her friend in a very compromising position with Asuma, and while it had been pretty entertaining at the time, Kurenai tended to get paranoid and awkward whenever Anko mentioned Asuma (or particularly handsome men in general) in front of her. Mind you, Anko usually found that hilarious, but for once, she'd had enough mean-spirited fun to last her for a while.
Next she considered Tenten, who never failed to boost Anko's spirits by greeting her with an adoring cry of "Anko-sama!" It was so rare that Anko got to indulge in having her ego stroked by someone else, even if it was someone nearly half her age. But that had never really been an issue for the two of them. Tenten idolized virtually any exceptionally strong woman she met, and since Tsunade was a lot less approachable as Hokage, the young woman had latched onto Anko instead. Their time together generally consisted of various mad dashes through the village, stocking up on their favorite items. Last week it had been a dango run, a weapons run the week before that, and if Anko remembered correctly, they were about due for a man run (which was basically getting guys to buy them drinks, after which they would both slip out of the bar undetected, unless Anko felt like playing with them on her own). Problem was, even Tenten would think twice about going out this late, since it might interfere with her "Neji time" tomorrow (and nobody was important enough to intrude on that).
She was still trying to decide on a plan of action when a tiny noise suddenly grabbed her attention. It was coming from her window, and sounded a great deal like someone was throwing something small against the glass. More curious than alarmed, Anko slowly made her way over, careful to keep out sight.
Seconds later, a pebble bounced off of the glass with enough impact to leave a scratch. The window may as well have been shattered in Anko's mind as she yanked it open, ready to curse out her late night visitor.
Instead, she came face to face with Kakashi, who was frozen in the act of picking up a rock as big as her head.
"Oh. Hi there," he said lamely, giving her his best innocent look.
"Inside. NOW," Anko growled. "And drop the rock unless you want it used on you."
Kakashi actually paused as if he were seriously considering that, so Anko made the decision for him and grabbed his arm, tugging him through the window.
"Let's pretend for a moment that you're not a complete jerk, and suppose you tell me what the hell you were thinking today?" she demanded.
He blinked and scratched his head. "Uh... that you're lovely and talented?"
Anko glowered at him. "Don't make me stab you. Not until I get some answers, anyway."
"Do you commonly attack people who pay you compliments?" Kakashi wondered aloud.
"As a matter of fact, it's a hobby, just not one I get to pursue often. Now answer the question."
He sighed. "We went over this already, Anko. You remember. Ibiki was there?"
"I don't seem to recall you stating that you were planning to drag us down with you!"
"I thought it was implied, and technically I'm dragging you up with me."
"Implied my ass! You lied to us, to the Council-"
Kakashi calmly sat down on her couch. "Refresh my memory. Exactly which part of what I said today did you think was a lie?"
"That whole part where you were acting like you admired me or something!"
"That wasn't acting," Kakashi replied, staring up at her. "Or something."
Anko blinked a few times, not quite believing her ears. "What?"
"I do admire you, Anko," he explained. "I always have, for various reasons. I could list them, but you'd probably think I was lying again. So I'll just say that that part wasn't a lie. There was virtually no one else in the whole village that would've done what you did. I don't even think I could've done it."
She grunted. "That's only because you like being a goof too much to die. And I guess I would be a little disappointed if someone else killed you first."
"Normally, I'd have a witty response to that," Kakashi sighed. "But I can't ever recall an instance where I agreed to have a woman kill me just for the sake of flirting with her." He tilted his head slightly. "That's what I hate about you, Anko. You never make it easy for me."
Anko barely managed to suppress another growl. Only Kakashi could manage to sound so... fond of her while he claimed to hate her. She was, in fact, more bothered by the affectionate tone, because it completely undermined everything he'd said. Almost instinctively, her fingers curled into a fist, and she drew her arm back, fully intending to bury her fist in his face.
Kakashi's long fingers closed gently but firmly over her fist, yanking her forward so that she stumbled into his chest. He leaned down slightly, placing his lips next to her ear. "Become one with me, Anko," he said in a husky whisper.
The color drained out of Anko's face as her brown eyes widened in shock. "Kakashi...?"
In traditional Kakashi style, he completely ruined the potential... whatever it was of the moment, although by doing something completely unlike him. Catching her off guard yet again, he spun around and dragged her to his side, pointing forcefully at some point in the distance. "Become one with me and Ibiki, and we shall rule over Konoha!"
Anko didn't know whether to be disgusted or horrified, so she settled on being indignant, which had often served her well. "You're touching me without my permission." She ignored the sudden urge to check behind her for a mysteriously appearing beach at sunset.
"You noticed that, did you?" he asked, sounding distinctly proud of himself. "It's great, isn't it?"
"Don't make me get the rock."
00000000
The Council of Elders turned out to be more desperate than anyone knew. In less than a week, they reluctantly approved Kakashi's proposal, on the condition that he at least accept formally accept the title of Hokage before he gave it up. There was no ducking that, so Hatake Kakashi was the sole Rokudaime Hokage for a grand total of five minutes. He hadn't even let the ceremony end before he made his first and last decree as Hokage: that his powers be divided among himself, Ibiki, and Anko.
Most of the village was shocked, but thankfully, not in a really bad way. There was a nasty rumor floating around that at least two of the new rulers weren't total psychopaths, but Anko honestly wasn't sure if that was a compliment to any of them (or which of them was the supposedly sane one, for that matter). Other than that, most people were too fearful, either of Anko or Ibiki, to protest openly, or they just trusted Kakashi to keep them in line (which was laughable, if you'd known him for over five minutes). The reaction probably would have been a lot worse, if Tsunade hadn't wholeheartedly supported Kakashi's decision.
The worst part was the training. Anko couldn't believe that the three of them were expected to listen to Shizune drone on and on about their new responsibilities for the better part of a month. And it would probably end up being longer than that, since Kakashi would give the medic-nin a lecherous stare whenever things got too dull, and she'd instantly forget what she'd been lecturing about. Still, it was funny as hell to watch.
Unfortunately, someone decided that they were at least capable of handling paperwork right away, and even divided among the three of them, the flow never seemed to end. Anko was actually somewhat used to it from her examiner days, even if she still hated it, and Ibiki breezed through his stacks, more or less because he knew better than to depend on either of them to constantly be of any real help. Kakashi either used his stacks as pillows, or doodled on the backs to pass the time. Anko got sick of poking him on the first day, so she had the brilliant idea of making Tenten her personal assistant. Ibiki thought that might be a problem, since it was essentially Shizune's job. The real distinction was that Tenten only did what Anko told her, which pretty much consisted of smuggling dango into the office, and of course, poking Kakashi (and when he was being particularly lazy, she brought Guy in to "inspire" him).
At some point, Anko thought to ask who was handling Kakashi's students, but he merely brushed it off and said it was taken care of...
00000000
Anko's first decree (as one third of a Hokage, as Kakashi liked to joke) had been to limit the number of guards around her at any given time. In short, more than one was never allowed (or needed, in her opinion). No one argued with her, either because they wanted her to end up dead first, or because they agreed that having current ANBU protect former ANBU (or a student of Orochimaru) was pretty redundant and a waste of manpower. Kakashi claimed he felt safer just by being within five feet of Anko's legendary rage, and Ibiki didn't say anything because he didn't have to. Once the undercover ANBU figured out that A) Anko could always spot them, and B) she would then proceed to ruin their cover by screaming at them, there was no real point in following her.
At any rate, that was the reason for there only being one guard, on the night that Kakashi's students returned from an extended stay in the Land of Waves. In the guard's defense, there hadn't been any security breaches in quite some time, so there was no real reason to be on high alert.
All of which probably contributed very little to the idea that Naruto was able to walk right over him in his hurry to get into the office, followed by Sakura (who at least had the decency to apologize for stepping on the poor man), and Temari (who sighed and hauled the startled guard to his feet, but only after she'd stepped on him as well).
"Is it true?" Naruto demanded, slamming his hands on the desk as he glared at Kakashi. "Are you the next Hokage?"
Kakashi blinked slowly. "Nice to see you, too, Naruto."
"Answer the question!"
Anko didn't care for the kid's tone, but Kakashi didn't seem worried, so she didn't say anything.
"No, it's not true," Kakashi answered. "Currently, I'm only a previous Hokage." He then proceeded to give them the short version (which was really the only version there was, anyway) of how he'd given up his power.
Predictably, Naruto still looked furious afterwards. "So you mean to tell us that you were Hokage for five minutes, and now you're only a third of one?"
"That's right. Sorry you missed it, but there was a bit of a rush."
Naruto and Sakura exchanged glances, stared at Kakashi for a long moment... and then shouted as one, "Congratulations, Kakashi-sensei!"
Kakashi could only blink as Naruto lurched forward and grabbed him in a rough hug, pounding him on the back. He was even more surprised when Sakura leaned over and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.
"We have to go out and celebrate!" Naruto cried.
"Yeah! Somewhere without ramen!" Sakura added excitedly, ignoring the pitiful look Naruto shot her.
"There's a bar down the street," Temari suggested. "I go there sometimes."
Naruto was clearly shocked. "Neechan, we can't drink! You can't, either!"
Temari rolled her eyes. "We're all of age, I grew up with Gaara, Sakura's been stuck with you for years, and you ARE you. I'd say we're entitled to drink whatever we want. Are you telling me you can stare down an S-class criminal, but you can't take on something that comes in a glass? What kind of wimpy ninja are you?"
"I'm not wimpy!" Naruto yelled, stomping over to her.
"Oh yeah?" Temari asked with a smirk, poking him in the chest. "Prove it."
Kakashi cleared his throat. "As much as I appreciate your enthusiasm, I am sort of busy here. This job comes with a workload like you wouldn't believe, and-"
"You can take a break," Anko interrupted. "Just this once. Go on out with your students, Kakashi. Ibiki and I can handle things without you for a while."
"I don't want to," he replied, almost whining.
"Well, you have to, because that's better punishment," she pointed out with a wicked grin. "With any luck, they'll both turn out to be noisy drunks."
"They're noisy enough when they're sober," Kakashi complained.
"Come on, Kakashi-sensei," Sakura pleaded, tugging on his arm. "Come with us! We're doing this for you!" She suddenly paused and jerked her hands away. "Oh! I mean, please, would you accompany us, Kakashi-sama?"
Kakashi groaned and banged his head on the desk. "Stop it, Sakura. You don't have to-"
"Hey, we don't have to call you that, do we?" Naruto asked, frowning. "It'd be so weird!"
"It shouldn't be THAT weird," Kakashi snapped, raising his head. "I just don't like being called that, okay? I don't want you treating me any differently than you did before."
Sakura shook her head. "But now you're-"
"The same person, just with a bigger workload. It's that simple."
"Well," Temari said slowly, "if you're the same person, then there's no real reason you can't come with us, is there? And since you're only one third of a Hokage, you're technically not even doing anything wrong unless one of the other thirds comes, too."
"Sounds about right," Anko agreed. "So long as I can get drunk next time, anyway..."
"This will be great!" Naruto cheered. "We can invite everybody!"
"No, we can't," Kakashi replied. "I don't want to make a big deal out of this."
"But it is a big deal!" Sakura insisted.
"It might have been, the day it happened. Now, it's old news. Let's just have a small get-together, just the four of us."
"No way! We have to let Konohamaru come!" Naruto chimed in. "He's next in line after me! This is important for him, too! And he'll have to bring Hanabi-chan."
"Let's just go before I completely come to my senses," Kakashi sighed loudly. Naruto and Sakura instantly latched onto him and dragged him towards the door.
Temari hung back for a few seconds, staring curiously at Anko and Ibiki.
"What?" Anko asked sharply.
"I was just wondering... if I was going to address all three of you at once, what would be appropriate?"
"Your guess is as good as mine," Anko replied with a shrug. "Kakashi didn't think that part through, of course, so we've pretty much been collecting names as we go. Last week it was 'The Triad,' and for official documents, we've been using 'Office of the Rokudaime Hokage' just to confuse people. But seeing as how we DO all have to share one office, I guess it's descriptive enough."
"Interesting," Temari murmured thoughtfully. "So if I was going to bribe someone to let Naruto and Sakura have a few days off from missions..."
Anko snorted. "Are you trying to bribe the Office of the Rokudaime Hokage?"
"Who, me?" Temari asked innocently, pointing at herself. "Of course not! It's just that I found out that they started selling a never-before-seen kind of dango back home in Suna. Supposed to be really spicy. Never really had a taste for the stuff myself, but if I was to send word back to Gaara that you guys were extra cooperative with me, I'm sure he'd find some way to show his appreciation."
"Yeah? Well, the Gaara I remember didn't have an appreciative bone in his body."
Temari rolled her eyes. "Okay, fine, I'd tell him to do it!"
"What exactly do you plan to do with those two if we give them the time off?" Ibiki asked suddenly. "A well-deserved break is one thing, but just being lazy is another entirely."
"Well, you know Naruto; he's built like a rock, and just as dense. I figured I'd smooth out some of the rough edges, make sure he stays on his toes. But he'll whine about it if he thinks I'm singling him out, so the only way to make sure he picks it up fast is if he sees Sakura doing the same drills."
Anko nodded approvingly. "Promise me you'll get them up nice and early tomorrow, so they can greet the sun with fresh hangovers, and you've got a deal."
"I think I'm starting to see why Kakashi would rather work in here with you two," Temari chuckled as she moved to the door.
"Work? That damn bum doesn't know the meaning of the word! And get him up early, too, while you're at it!"
"Anko," Ibiki said slowly, "I think you're officially one of the psychotic two of us now."
"Maybe, but my brain isn't gonna feel like an Akimichi rolled over it a few dozen times tomorrow, either." Anko leaned back in her chair and grinned. "We should totally send an ANBU squad to Naruto's place first thing in the morning."
"Now, that's just evil."
"I'm not done yet. They'll all be carrying giant gongs."
Ibiki frowned. "That sounds more like something a bunch of genin should do."
"Yeah, well, just in case Naruto can shake off a hangover in ten seconds, I'd rather not have dead kids on my hands for the sake of a good prank. And besides, you did say something about thinning out the ranks yesterday."
"I meant assigning them somewhere else, Anko, not killing them."
"So? We could always use less guards around here, far as I'm concerned. And if they don't have enough sense to use the gongs as shields, they shouldn't be ANBU, anyway."
"You know I hate it when you start to make sense," he sighed.
Anko grinned and clapped him on the shoulder. "Don't worry, it shouldn't happen too often."
00000000
Endnotes:
I've done some research on the whole "who will be the next Hokage" issue. There are a number of people in Konoha that meet SOME of the supposed requirements, but not ALL, which is why you pretty much tend to hear the same seven or eight names tossed around. And even if they did, there are still other hindrances. But first, the requirements I've been able to find.
1) knowing a thousand or more jutsu. This mostly limits the candidates to jounin, since probably only they would have access to, or the resources to learn so many different jutsu.
2) being the strongest ninja in the village. If the first requirement didn't limit the candidates to jounin, combined with this one, it pretty much would. There are of course some ninja stronger than their betters, but I think the implication is that if you can't even devote enough time to become a jounin, you couldn't devote all your time to serving the village, either.
3) being connected to (related to/trained by/selected by) a previous Hokage in some way. One of the more contested rules, but the evidence is there in every case so far.
There are other conflicts preventing people from becoming Hokage, primarily the Council of Elders, who have to approve of the candidate as well. Another factor is popularity in the village. The Hokage has to be someone people are willing to follow. Still another factor is that no one, not even the strongest of shinobi, is perfect (as Zabuza puts it, shinobi are still human, no matter how much they try to get around that fact), and some people tend to focus on these weaknesses as being reason enough to disqualify someone from becoming Hokage. But Hokages are still very much imperfect themselves. Sandaime was getting on in years and lost some of his strength, and was technically even "defeated" by Naruto. Tsunade had a well-known gambling problem before she became Hokage, and her feelings for Naruto have influenced (some would say negatively) her judgment.
You may debate with me about the decisions I made in the story, but if you must do so, try to present an argument that hasn't been made a hundred times before. There is no point in simply asking (or telling) me to replace Kakashi, Anko, or Ibiki with another character who is better suited to be Hokage (the opinions Kakashi uses before the Council are essentially my own). If you feel your choices are so much better, I invite you to write your own fanfic. And if you do, I promise not to come along and tell you to change your story to suit my preferences. Because that's just rude.