Y1, C8: The First Full Moon

James, Sirius, and Peter stayed out for hours, but Remus spent the next few in bed: reading, studying, and trying to perfect Aguamenti. So far, the only thing he had managed was a dripping wand reminiscent of a leaky faucet, but the water was an odd shade of blue and didn't look safe to drink.

He managed to sleep for an hour and a half, but it was only a half-sleep—not even a proper nap; it was more of an enhanced rest. He woke up in a cold sweat with visions of werewolves dancing through his head; he promptly hit the window in annoyance with all his strength.

Which wasn't very much, of course, and it made his fist ache even more than it had been previously, but Remus didn't know what else to do at this point.

Bufo entertained Remus for a few minutes, hopping gaily across Remus' bedsheets. It wasn't that entertaining, not really—but it wasn't as if Remus had anything better to do. I'm watching a frog, thought Remus. Merlin, that is sad.

Suddenly, he heard a tapping at his window. Werewolf? he thought, and promptly fell out of bed in a tangle of sheets. Bufo gave him a disdainful look.

It was only an owl; it was tapping on the window with one long talon and carrying two letters addressed to Remus Lupin. Remus sighed in relief and opened the window slightly to let the owl in.

"I don't have any money, I'm afraid," he said to the owl, "but feel free to eat this sandwich that Sirius left under his bed." The sandwich in question had been bothering Remus' amplified sense of smell for quite some time.

The owl seemed happy enough to much on the sandwich, and Remus opened the first letter.

Dear Remus,

Your father is overjoyed at your Sorting. He's already knitting a red and gold scarf for you, and he's horrifyingly bad at knitting. I just thought that I should give you a heads-up for when it arrives in the mail—It is not a venomous spider with far too many legs; it is a Gryffindor scarf.

Feel free to send it back. I'd be more than happy to fix it up a little. I offered to help him, but he's insistent that he does it all by himself. Men are so stubborn.

Speaking of stubborn, you'd better be in the Hospital Wing, dear. I told Madam Pomfrey that you never feel well beforehand and there are a few things she'd like to try. Please don't be afraid to ask her for help.

I'm so glad that you're making friends. Your father is a little worried about that "Sirius" that you mentioned—It's not Sirius Black, is it? He mentioned that the Blacks are notoriously judgmental and discriminatory. I do hope you're being careful—although I'm not excessively worried, seeing as you're the most careful person I've ever met (with the exception of your father).

It's so lonely without you here. I even miss Bufo; do tell him that I said "hello". I never thought I would miss your poetry recitations and puns, but I do. I'm not surprised your friend James doesn't like them; they really are awful. You and your dad both.

I've enclosed three Sickles. Feel free to use them on anything you'd like (although your father told me that the Hogwarts owls are free to use!).

Make sure to write us sometime tomorrow or the next day. I do trust Dumbledore, but I can't help but worry. Be safe, dear.

Now I'm off to get your father some more yarn at the store. He's apparently run out, which doesn't sound like a good thing. I genuinely fear this scarf of his.

I love you!
Mum.

Remus smiled. The letter smelled so much like home, and his mum was nice to write him such a long one. The image of his father trying to knit a Gryffindor scarf really did lift his spirits.

Now, who could the second letter be from? He held it up to the light and inhaled. The scent was familiar...

Remus realized who it was from with a jolt of surprise. It was from Hagrid.

He opened it up as quickly as possible. The handwriting was rather sloppy and the page was covered in inkblots, but it was still perfectly readable.

Remus—

Really sorry for the other day. I'd love for you to come for a cuppa sometime. Thursday at five, perhaps?

Hagrid.

Well, that was unexpected. Remus was rather curious about Hagrid, though—so he immediately wrote back an affirmative answer in a moment of boldness.

Before he could change his mind, he folded up the letter and gave it to the owl. "If you could take this to Hagrid, please," he said politely. The bird gulped down the last of the sandwich and flew away with Remus' letter clutched in its talons.

Remus closed his eyes and tried to get a little more sleep, clutching Bufo lightly in one hand and his mother's letter in the other. He'd go down to the Hospital Wing in an hour, he decided. Before that, he wanted to enjoy this last moment of peace.

True to his word, Remus left for the Hospital Wing an hour later. He brought his bag with everything he'd need for the following day—including anything that might give away his secret, just in case James, Sirius, and Peter decided to go through his trunk again.

It was very difficult to walk in a straight line, especially on the staircases. Remus nearly tripped multiple times. He wondered what would happen if he fell off of one. It probably had a protective enchantment to stop kids from dying. He briefly wondered if he should test that theory… and then realized that that was quite possibly the stupidest idea he'd ever had. James and Sirius were bad influences, probably.

Remus could hear just about everything in the school—students talking in their dormitories, the scratching of quills on parchment, and the occasional whoop coming from the Hogwarts grounds (the majority from James and Sirius). It was all so overwhelming.

By some miracle, Remus managed to arrive at the Hospital Wing without dying or fainting. It smelled of potions and ammonia. Remus didn't want to go in; he didn't want to explain himself to Madam Pomfrey… or take a plethora of potions that didn't work… or be stared at for hours. He just wanted to go home.

He raised his fist to the door to knock, but then stopped. Bufo croaked encouragingly, and Remus hesitantly tapped on the light wood three times.

The door flew open almost immediately, and Remus stumbled back. "Mr. Lupin! I was wondering when you'd be by. You don't look well. Come in, no one else is here at the moment." Madam Pomfrey pulled Remus by the arm briskly, and Remus yelped in surprise and pain.

Madam Pomfrey stopped. "Are you all right?"

Remus nodded and closed his eyes, feeling a hot wave of embarrassment and nausea. He wasn't.

"Okay, slowly now—that's it, lean on me..." Before Remus knew it, Madam Pomfrey had led him into her office, where there were two beds and plenty of privacy. He sat down on the bed with Madam Pomfrey's guidance.

"I'm sorry," he said, knowing full well that he should have come sooner.

"Quite all right, quite all right," said Madam Pomfrey. She sounded warmer and kinder than Remus had ever heard her. "Though I expect you to be here much earlier next time. As soon as you wake up next month, you hear me?"

Remus nodded, his eyes still closed. He lied down on the bed and curled up into a ball, trying to block out the sounds and smells and nausea and pain and aching...

"Mind describing your symptoms for me?" asked Madam Pomfrey, distant and business-like once again.

"Don't feel great," said Remus.

"I can see that."

"I feel... nauseous and ill and achy and everything hurts, and I'm tired but I can't sleep, and it hurts to focus." Remus considered not telling her about the heightened senses. It only made him seem less human. But, he decided, she should know. "And I have really good senses of smell and hearing."

"What does that mean?"

"I... have heightened senses all month, but it's really bad right now and I feel overwhelmed," he explained. "It's a lot different when I'm in such a big place with… so much going on." He suddenly felt ashamed. "I'm sorry; I don't mean to complain."

"Don't be ridiculous. I'm asking you to complain so that I can help you. I have a Pain-Relieving Potion right here that should help with the aching, at least."

Remus sat up a little, hoping to clear his head. "No, thank you."

"I assure you that we have plenty," said Madam Pomfrey.

"That's not the problem," said Remus slowly. He really did hate this.

"Explain, then."

"Um, tonight... the transformation... itself..." Remus hated this. He hated explaining things. He never had to explain things to his parents; they had always been there. "It… I mean, it's me."

"Right."

"Actually me."

"I see."

"And werewolves… on the full moon, I mean… don't like being under the influence of wizarding potions. And it makes the actual transformation worse when it wears off… more… jarring." Remus was trying very hard not to think of it, trying not to reveal too much about the reshaping of his skeleton, his nerves on fire, the horribly uncomfortable knives all over his body...

Madam Pomfrey looked dismayed. "I assume you've tried a potion before, then."

"It wasn't pretty," mumbled Remus. "We've tried most everything, actually."

"I see. Well, I can at least give you Sleeping Draught if you end up needing it and a cool washcloth. How about some toast? I don't assume you've eaten."

"No. I'm not eating today."

"You mean to tell me that you never eat on the day of the full moon?"

Remus nodded.

"You mean to tell me that you skip a full day of meals every single month?"

Remus nodded.

"That's completely unacceptable," said Madam Pomfrey. "You need your strength, at least."

"It's better on an empty stomach," Remus mumbled, "and I feel terribly nauseous. Please, Madam Pomfrey, I don't really feel like talking. I'll explain anything you'd like another day." Remus dearly hoped that she wouldn't hold him to that promise.

"Very well," said Madam Pomfrey. "Let me get you that washcloth." She bustled out of the room, and Remus heard rustling and then a quiet "Aguamenti."

How does she do that? he thought bitterly.

Madam Pomfrey returned and pressed the washcloth to Remus' forehead (a lot more tenderly than he had expected). "Here you are, Mr. Lupin. Try to fall asleep on your own. I'll come back to give you a potion if you're still awake in an hour. And please let me know if you need anything at all."

Madam Pomfrey left the room, closing the door gingerly behind her. Remus squinched his eyes shut and sighed. He hated this. He hated this so much.

"Ribbit," Bufo said.

Remus suddenly remembered something. "Madam Pomfrey!"

Madam Pomfrey opened the door and poked her head in. "Yes?'

"Will you... will you watch Bufo tonight? I wasn't thinking about him at all!"

"Your toad?"

"Yes," said Remus, feeling a little guilty. Madam Pomfrey, after all, didn't seem to be fond of toads. "You don't need to do much; he'll sleep all night. I'll feed him before... before I go. I just need him to stay here in his cage. I've brought it with me."

Madam Pomfrey seemed to be thinking very hard. "Very well. You're sure I won't have to do anything?"

"Positive. I told you: he's a lazy old lump."

Madam Pomfrey smiled slightly. "Yes, okay. Now go to sleep."

"You'll come get me before six, won't you?"

"Of course. Sleep, Mr. Lupin." Madam Pomfrey gave Bufo a disgusted look before shutting the door to leave once again.

"Fat chance," Remus whispered before sinking back onto his pillow.

Indeed, Remus did not fall asleep, and Madam Pomfrey was forced to give him a Sleeping Draught. Sleeping Draughts were expensive luxuries that the Lupin family could not always afford, so Remus was thankful for the rare treat. At exactly five-forty-five, Madam Pomfrey gently shook him awake.

"Mr. Lupin. Time to go."

Remus opened his eyes and rubbed them forcefully. "Already?" he mumbled. He hadn't dreaded a full moon this much since he was five years old.

Thankfully, he was already wearing his transformation robes. His dad had worked very hard on these particular clothes: they were charmed so that they behaved similarly to Animagus clothing. They disappeared when the wearer was not in human form and reappeared after, causing no absolutely no discomfort to Remus during the full moon. They weren't necessary, of course, but Remus rather did want some semblance of privacy; furthermore, changing clothes had become part of his nice and predictable full moon routine.

Madam Pomfrey helped Remus out of bed, who was embarrassed by how much he had to lean on her. He tried to apologize, but she waved him off as if it were nothing.

The Whomping Willow was much too far away for his liking; walking there was very difficult. Every step hurt him to the core of his bones, and his head was spinning so much that Remus felt like a walking Ferris wheel. It was steadily getting darker outside. Remus' heart fluttered with anticipation. Or fear? He wasn't sure which.

"You're shaking," observed Madam Pomfrey. Indeed, Remus' hands were quivering. He usually did get shaky before the full moon rose, but it was quite a bit early for that. He guessed that he was nervous.

"I'm only cold," he managed to say. It was a little chilly outside, so he thought that the lie was believable. Judging by the odd look on Madam Pomfrey's face, she didn't seem to agree.

After what seemed like hours, they approached the Whomping Willow. Remus heard the branches swishing, but he was too nauseous to look up. Madam Pomfrey waved her wand—probably Levitating a stick—and then the swishing stopped. Remus let himself be pulled into a dark tunnel that smelt of leaves and dirt.

The tunnel continued for some time. Remus tried to block it all out—the smells, the sound of the Whomping Willow as it started swishing its branches again, the feel of Madam Pomfrey against his arm (nearly supporting his whole weight at this point), and the feel of the ground against his aching feet.

"We're here," said Madam Pomfrey, and Remus looked up, ignoring the swooping feeling in the pit of his stomach. He waited a second for his stomach to settle before lifting his head to look around the abandoned house.

The swooping returned.

"This isn't safe!" he cried. "I need to go home, I'm going to escape, this building looks to be a hundred years old and it's falling apart..."

Madam Pomfrey put a hand on Remus' shoulder firmly. "Mr. Lupin, calm down."

"You have no idea... you have no idea how dangerous I'll be... someone could get hurt!" Remus gesticulated wildly. "I need to go home!"

"Mr. Lupin. Dumbledore knows what he's doing."

"This can't be safe! It's falling apart!" Remus' breath grew short, and his palms felt clammy. Oh, Merlin, he was going to attack someone. It was too late to fix the house.

"Bombarda!" came Madam Pomfrey's voice from beside Remus. Remus' head whirled around to see the spell collide with the most ragged-looking part of the house and explode in a puff of fire and smoke.

The house was unharmed.

"You see? It looks fragile, but I assure you that it is much stronger than it appears. Professor Dumbledore himself told me that no magical creature—no matter how large or dangerous—would be able to escape from this house. You give yourself too much credit, Mr. Lupin; you are not nearly as strong as a dragon, nor do you know more than Professor Dumbledore. Relax."

Remus did. "Thank you," he said. "That... helped."

Madam Pomfrey nodded. "Of course. Now, do you want me to stay with you for a little bit? The moon won't rise for quite some time, and fretting won't do you any good."

"Absolutely not," said Remus with a forced smile. "I'll be okay. This isn't my first rodeo."

Madam Pomfrey smiled back. "That is the fakest smile I've ever seen."

"Fake it till you make it, that's what I always say."

"You are a strange boy, Mr. Lupin."

"Whatever gave you that impression? I'd like to think I'm perfectly normal, thank you very much. Nothing about me is strange, dark, or otherwise abnormal whatsoever." Remus was unintentionally getting sarcastic again. Curse his stupid defense mechanism.

"Good night, Remus," said Madam Pomfrey with a faint smile. She turned to go.

Remus wanted to be alone—but at the same time, he did not want her to go. "Madam Pomfrey? One more thing."

"Yes?"

"All this furniture..." Remus gestured towards the bed, the wardrobe, the stairs, the armchair, the piano. "It'll be destroyed come morning. Are you sure that you don't want to... take any of it back up to the castle?"

"Oh, please. This is all rubbish. Do your worst," said Madam Pomfrey, and Remus felt a twinge of something—he didn't know what—at someone besides himself making such a light remark regarding the destructive nature of his condition.

"Thank you so much," he said, not knowing what else to say. "Thank you."

Madam Pomfrey granted him a tight nod before walking out of the tunnel, leaving Remus alone.

Remus maintained his fake smile until Madam Pomfrey's distinctive scent of potions and ammonia faded. Then he let the smile fall with a shuddering sigh and sank to the floor.

Three hours left, he thought, staring at his now-human hands and savoring every voluntary movement and every scrap of his human mind. Three hours left.